Gossip Grandmas

“Excuse me young sir, you're at our table.” Ruth spat at the teenage boy sitting at their usual table. “So, grandma?” The teenage boy ruthlessly replied. “I was here first, finders keepers losers weepers.” Ruth stomped her walker, “You young man GET out of our seats…or I’ll tell the manager.” “Ruth, calm down. He didn’t do anything-""Oh shut it Sherly. Nobody asked you.” Marge lightly hit Sherly on the back. “Now get out, get!” Marge hit the boy with her cane, smacking him until he left the diner. 

“So, what’s the tea?” Marge interlocked her fingers, resting her head on them, saggy elbows on the table. Sherly excitedly set down her tea mid-sip, “I have news. My annoying neighbor is movin’ to Montana! Finally, those pesky toddlers will go!”  Marge sat her hands on the table after a sip of her hot, black coffee, leaning forward. “So, you know how I've been taking dance lessons, right? Well, I met this guy Larry, and he’s the dance instructor. So, me being the flirtatious woman I am, I’m getting private dance lessons at his house.” Ruth and Sherly let out an audible gasp, covering their dropping jaws with their hands. “My lips are sealed.” Ruth made a zipper motion across her mouth. “Now I'm going to go get a refill, this lady needs to be energized!” Marge got up with her cane and walked to the barista.  Sherly leaned over to Ruth, whispering, “I can’t believe that Marge has been married to George for 50 years, and now she’s cheating on him!” Ruth nodded her head. “When she comes back, I need to share my scandalous news as well.”

“One minute, I’m going to use the bathroom.” Ruth got up, rushing with her walker to the ladies’ room. Marge came back, a big cup of black coffee steaming. “What did I miss?” She sat down next to Sherly, resting her cane next to her. “Oh, nothing much. We just talked about knitting patterns. We have a big project in our knitting class coming up.” Sherly drank her chamomile tea. Ruth came back, shuffling her walker, “I’m baaack!” Ruth sat down in her own seat across from the two. “So , about the news I was going to tell you…” Suddenly, an old man that none of them knew, dropped his dentures in Ruth’s half and half, almond milk, toasted coconut creamer, caramel drizzle, pumpkin spice, iced, three packets of sugar, cold cup, whipped cream, with a straw, cold brew coffee! “Ugh! What is WRONG with you?” Ruth exclaimed, throwing her hands over her heart, fake crying. The man realized what he did, and then jogged away, not grabbing his dentures. “Sherly, go get me a new one! And NEVER let me see that again!!” She dramatically threw her arm across her forehead, looking away.  Sherly got up, squeezed out of the booth and grabbed the cup. As Sherly walked away and got up to the barista stand, she whispered, “Use the same cup, and keep the dentures in them.” She slid the barista a fifty dollar bill. “Keep the change.” 

“Here you go Ruth!” Sherly handed Ruth her drink (with dentures). “So, I can finally tell you my news.” She took a sip of her half and half, almond milk, toasted coconut creamer, caramel drizzle, pumpkin spice, iced, three packets of sugar, cold cup, whipped cream, with a straw, cold brewed coffee. Ruth set down her coffee, holding it, “I..am cheating on Albert.” Sherly and Marge gasped in unison. “You too?!” Marge spoke louder than usual. “The worst part…I don’t know his name!”  Ruth held her face in her hands. Sherly started cackling, holding her face, “You are cheating on your husband, and you don't know the guy's name?!” Ruth responded, embarrassed, “I met him at a bar a while ago. I was too drunk on my cherry margarita.” Marge gave Ruth a humorous glare. 

“Ladies, ladies, ladies.” An unknown voice laughed. “There's enough of me to go ‘round.” “Larry!” Marge exclaimed, getting up and hugging Larry. “Girls, this is my new  ‘secret’ man,” Marge put her hand over her chest. Ruth got up, “Marge, may I speak to you for a moment?” Ruth nervously rubbed her  hands together. “Marge, that’s the man I’m cheating on my husband with..” Ruth whispered into Marge's ear. Marge made a loud, audible gasp. “B-but..that’s my man!” Marge’s eyes watered as she stuttered. “It’s okay..I’m so sorry! He didn’t say he had another woman! Wait..what if he has other women?” Ruth’s emotions switched from apologetic to furious. Marge and Ruth turned around to see Larry flirting with Sherly. 

“I’m sorry sir, but I’m married, and plus, I can’t be with you if you're with my friend..” Sherly flashed her beautiful diamond ring. “Oh come on. Live a little.” Larry leaned onto the table, resting his elbow. Marge stormed behind Larry, using her cane to smack his head into her hot, black coffee. “Say that to the unholy devil of Satan!” Ruth then came with her walker, scooting him out of the diner aggressively. 

After beating up Larry, Marge and Ruth sat down, ignoring the fact that Marge’s coffee was all over the table. Sherly took out several napkins, trying to stop the coffee from going everywhere. “Sherly, it’s fine. Just leave it.” Ruth waved her hand dismissively. “What an eventful day!” Marge took a long, deep exhale. “Agreed.” Ruth and Sherly nodded in unison. 

At the next table, George, Albert, and Sherly’s husband Paul were glued to the diner's TV which was playing American football. Suddenly, Paul heard his wife’s familiar voice. “Boys, I think I hear my wife! Do you think she was in that fight?” George unstuck from his chair, seeing his wife and her friends getting ready to leave. “Marge, Marge!” George got up, limping towards her. Of course, Albert and Paul had to follow. “Oh hi boys!” Ruth waved. Albert exclaimed, “Did y'all see that fight earlier? That was crazy!” The girls awkwardly agreed, “Oh yeah, that was crazy..” As all the girls turned to Ruth, she only spoke one phrase, “These lips are sealed!”