flower crowns

daisies

I clenched the box, the flowers’ leaves sticking out and overflowing with the immature buds. My seatbelt dug into my neck, leaving a pink line. The warm air humid this morning. Sean drove, his eyes darting from my face to the road, and back again. The stars were out. We had woken up earlier than the sun.

" How are you feeling?” He asked, a worrisome glint in his eyes. I sighed, beads of sweat trailing off my forehead, from the heat or my fear, I wasn’t certain.

" Ready as I’ll ever be. " I tried reassuring him with a smile, but it came out as a grimace. I lay back in my seat and looked up. The stars glinted back, almost as if they were encouraging me. I looked away.

" Are you sure you want to do this?”I gave him a look, toying with my sundress covered in stitched daisies.

" Sean, Mom let you see Jade, and never had a problem with it, and you always were on my side when I asked Mom to see her, even when she said no.”

" I know but-”

" Don’t you think it’s a bit cruel that I haven’t seen my own twin?”

" And it’s not cruel that you live the life she never will?” He snapped, then a look of surprise and regret flashed across his face. I looked away back at the stars. We both knew Mom had always favored Jade, a very touchy subject.

“It wasn’t your fault, Jadaa-”

“Just drop it Sean.” We rode on in silence, until we reached the building, and went through the gate.

We parked, and I quickly took off my seatbelt, struggled when my sweatshirt got stuck in the door and carried the box in my clammy hands. I didn’t know what to do.

My phone and tote bag was taken, and the box full of daisies were searched. The guard raised an eyebrow.

" Oh, just wanted to make flower crowns like when we were kids.” I felt my face glow pink. He made me feel uncomfortable. As he searched Sean, I sat down in a metal chair, unlacing and lacing my ballet flats over and over.

I breathed quickly, and I felt a hand on my shoulder. My brother’s face was serious. " Go ahead,” he said softly, and I slid down the hallway, the guard let me into the last room on the left. I shot my brother one glance before we rounded a corner. I entered the doorway. I had no idea what to expect.

Would she like me? Would she hate me? A terrible idea coursed through my head. What if she forgot about me?

My breath was stolen away. Quite literally, as I felt something like rope push against my throat.

roses

I screamed as something was clenching my throat. A pale hand unlaced it and slid back into a corner of the room. I felt embarrassed as the guard looked strangely at me like I had never seen a vine before. I realized the room was full of flowers in mismatched pots, and ivy tendrils grew on the ceiling. A bed was tucked in the corner stained with dirt and grass. The guard nodded and left us to give some privacy.

A girl’s foot peeked out from a corner, and I swallowed hard. My sister was there, sitting, a dull expression in her eyes.

" Jade? It’s me….Jadaa.” She looked in my general direction, her gaze unfocused.

At first glance, we’re identical. The same tan skin, full lips, and almond-shaped eyes. We had long fingers and really short eyelashes. Not even our parents could tell us apart.

Now, it’s evident.

Her hair is limp and oily when mine’s soft and wavy. Her eyes are dull when mine are observant. Her face, arms, and legs are caked with dirt. I wrinkle my nose, me being a very tidy person.

I noticed a small opening, and a bath and toilet looked evidently clean, except the sink were filled with dirt and baby plants. She had converted it into a baby plant nursery. After getting clearance from the guard, I put the box down on her bed. My cleanliness was kicking in.

" Jade, why don’t we get you cleaned up?” She stood up silently and followed me. I regretted saying it, but now I had no choice.

I undressed her, and I gently helped her scrub her face and skin. She seemed to only have one scent of shampoo, and I wasn’t surprised when it was rose-scented. Roses were her favorite flower. She blinked rapidly when I washed the shampoo from her hair. The whole time I was nervous, memories fluttering angrily in my head.

She tried speaking, but I remembered she couldn’t speak. Then what was she doing?

She cried, and vomited all over her dress. I screamed, but the guard seemed unfazed.

" Nothing to worry about, love. Happens all the time.” She helped me change and wash her again and fed her a few saltines. The guard, whom I learned was Jade's assigned caretaker, assured me it was merely from a small stomach bug she had been with for a few days.

As she now sat on her bed, she noticed my box.

poppies

 I was startled when she pointed to the box. I opened it and, she smiled. I was shocked at her reaction. Mom said she was incapable of emotion.

I tried showing her how to make flower crowns like we did as kids, but she wasn’t coordinated enough. I shakily handed her one, and she cooed, putting it on her head. She clapped in delight. I smiled, and we continued in this endless cycle of silence, yet the familiarity was louder than anything.

As time ran out, she was back to normal, gazeless, and silent. I waved, but no response.

“How was it?” Sean asked as we drove home. I looked him straight in the eyes. ” I’m coming back tomorrow.” He smiled and ruffled my hair. ” No problem sis.”

I stared out in the stars, wondering if maybe, my life could go back to normal. Maybe my broken family could be mended. Maybe my sister could return back to the Jade I knew. And yet, there were a lot of maybe’s.

Maybe, maybe, maybe. The words kept repeating in my head.

All I knew is I would return the next day.

My stepfather, Daniel, brought a huge basket of assorted flowers for me to choose from sneakily, and Sean found some of Jade’s stuff in the attic that Mom tried hoarding.

I went through the box Sean had found. Her clip-on earrings, most of them rusted over, some old perfume she has saved up money for six months to buy, some now-dry flowers, and strangely, a folder with the government's seal on it. I heard the door open, and I realized Mom was home. I shoved the folder under my pillow and the box under my bed.

As we prepared breakfast the next day, Sean and Daniel trying to break the curt silence, I lightly told my mother what the plan was for tomorrow. My stepfather was fine with it.

My mother, on the other hand, was not that happy about any of those things.

violets

Violet means two things to me; the indigo flowers, or my mother’s name. Violet Jean Holden. Or, Ali, now that she remarried.

Ironically, violets symbolize delicate love, modesty, and affection. My mother never showed any of those qualities to me. Especially now.

" I will not allow it,” she said angrily, chopping up onions in a frenzy. Despite myself, I admired her trait of never crying when using onions.

" Violet, you can’t do that.” I refused to call her Mom to her face. An act of defiance? More simply, I just never looked to her as my mother.

" Why should I let my daughter be bothered by you I always told your father you were distracting her from what’s important, but no! She had to make those silly little flower headbands and run with you on the beach.”

I felt my face grow hot. Daniel tried stopping her.

" Violet, It had nothing to do with Jadaa, you know that.”She ignored him. Sean stayed silent.

" And look what happened to her! An empty shell! All because of your stupid flowers-”

A loud shattering noise echoed through the kitchen as I threw a glass cup from the table against the wall. The painting of violets I had done on the wall was now oozing with water. Like the flowers were melting.

" I’m going to see Jade, whether you like it or not.” I snapped, and stormed out of the house. I ran to the garden and fell at the violet patch, sobbing, and ripping up the flowers, dirt all over my clothes, and face as I wiped my tears.

People would give me false hope, or pitiful looks. They say they understand, but they never will.

You don’t just lose someone all at once. You lose them in a million pieces, every one paining you more and more. The emotion with realizing the smell of my sister’s bedsheets was ebbing away, or that our bathroom never smells like flowered perfume anymore, or when you miss her laughing too loud on the phone, is like a weighted net you can’t escape for as long as you’ll live.

Daniel walked out of the gate and sat silently next to me. I waited for him to lecture to me. Instead he handed me gloves. I nodded guiltily. We silently put all the flowers back together. When we were done, he told me to go change.

" C’mon, let’s go.”

“Where?” I looked confused, no doubt.

" To go see your sister, unless you want to go get some flowers from inside first. " He smiled quietly, and for one moment, the net lifted.

dandelions

 I had picked out roses this time, and this time, I dropped my bags in a chair and sped up towards my sister’s room in anticipation.

She sat there on the bed, our visits almost every day after school, and to my delight and what stupefied the doctors at the asylum was that she was slowly returning to her normal self.

" Ja!” she beamed. She had figured out how to say a small band of words. Ja for Jadaa, Sea for Sean, and Floe for Flower. It was a start.

" Hey Jade, look what I brought.” I pulled out her roses, pink today, some bracelets I found at the mall and a chocolate bar. For some reason, a day I was wearing a bracelet, Jade wanted it, so I began bringing her at least one each day. She loved the ones I had brought, the similar color of the roses.

I looked happily at her small table covered in the crowns we had made together. I could easily pick out the ones I made because hers were messier and came undone in small parts.

But they were still more beautiful. Because she did them by herself.

I split the chocolate between us, her coos of delight evident in her eyes as the sparkle I knew began to return.

At some point, a guard beckoned us. Both of us?

" The doctors said today you can take her to the yard.” I smiled.

"She can?"

She was hesitant, unfamiliar with the grass, and the brightness compared to her softer light in her room. In a few minutes though, she was trying to run through the grass.

As we raced to the garden, she slowly gained speed till’ she began to run. She laughed loudly, and make everyone outside cheer. She was well known now as the special case, one who still had a chance, and that blossomed into hope for everyone.

We both ran hand-in-hand, and I felt like floating.

The dandelions everywhere shook in the wind and we chased the seeds, the puffs freer than birds, our sundresses flying around our knees.

We took deep breaths, sitting on the hill, taking in the view.

" I know you can’t speak, Jade,” I said softly as she sneezed from a stray puff, and looked curiously.

" But I wanted to say I’m sorry.”She cocked her head, a sign she was confused, or a sign of ‘for what?’" For not staying with you for so long. For leaving you.” I felt tears escape my burning eyes.

" Ja. You…stay..here..” she pointed to my heart, then her heart. " You. Did. Not…go.”

We both cried.

sunflowers

Today, we sat in the garden, playing a game of hide-and-seek.

I was hiding in the sunflower fields, and Sean was there as well, and he was looking for us.

I saw a flash of red and saw Jade hiding behind a rose bush, her dress blending in perfectly.

Sean found me first, tackling me as I tried to run. We both laughed, and I heard a loud noise. We both looked at each other in shock. Then, we ran.

Jade was crying because a huge car had crashed in the wall that closed off the garden, and almost missed her. The driver seemed to be unconscious.

I comforted Jade and called the guards as Sean checked on the driver.

" Tick. Tock. Tock.” Jade muttered. Her tongue clicked rapidly.

What? I silenced her gently, and I heard what she was mimicking. A small ticking noise.

"Sean?" I asked fearfully as Jade whimpered in my arms.

" I think this girl's dead!" Sean called when I realized the ticking was speeding up.

" SEAN!” I screamed, and the explosion, along with the plants, all of us were thrown back.

Jade’s crying.

Sirens.

Sean’s raspy breathing.

The man on my phone screaming if I'm ok.

Something wet trickled down my chin.

Then the car exploded again, and I saw black.

carnations

Sean’s face was so dirty, I wished I could clean it, but there were so many IV’s and tubes I didn’t have room. I sat at his bedside in the hospital, the only noise was his raspy breath and the machines beeping in a monotone echo.

Jade sat next to me, in a metal chair similar to mine, but her’s had a cushion. Her arm was broken. My lip was cut, and I cut open my neck, leaving a cut that had jagged stitches.

" The doctors said he should be dead Jade. They said he’s hanging on by a limb. He’s in pain, Jade.” She patted my hand softly. My heart was cracking in two.

" Why doesn’t he just go Jade? He’s in pain, it's not fair!” I banged my hand on the armrest. Jade could now speak mismatched sentences, but even small ones tired her out.

" He’s here…becaus..e..he..wants…to..prote..ct..you..” I looked in surprise. " He….doesn’t..want….t.o..leave…you…alo..ne…”

Now I understood. He always cared for me, was there when my mom wasn't there. When my dad died. But now, I need to be there for him.

I walked to his bedside, and took his hands.

" Sean.”

" I know you don’t want to leave me. It’ll be okay. " Jade nodded in support, her crown of blue carnations bobbing along.

" You can go know. Jade’s here with me now. You can go now.”

His breaths shortened.

" You c..an...go...brot..ther.," Jade added quietly, kissing his forehead.

" I love you.” He sighed peacefully.

I buried my face in his hands. Jade placed her crown on his head.

He smiled in his sleep.

" It’s gonna be okay.”

daffodils

six months later….

Sean’s funeral was quiet. Jade and I made daffodil crowns for everyone before the ceremony. New beginnings, those were Sean’s favorite flower.

Mom snorted and threw hers behind her shoulder. As a result, Daniel divorced her. He gained custody of us.

Now, I sit in front of our little apartment on the beach. Jade sits next to me, our black dresses contrasting against the white sand.

" Do you ever miss me?” I asked Jadaa, her eyes dull with grief.

" Of course I did Jade. I just…” she trailed off, clenching my hand.

" Mom.” I guessed.

" Yeah.”

I know now how Mom treated Jadaa. I’m pained after realizing what I had left.

The car accident all those years ago was blamed on Jadaa. That’s not what happened. I was the one who wasn't paying attention, I was the driver, not Jadaa. We flipped three times, down a ditch. My head hit the dashboard. My brain was damaged, and I had forgotten how to speak, how to bathe, pretty much everything. Except for Jadaa.

She never left my small amount of thoughts. Just like we found out that Dad had left us a huge amount of money and left nothing to Mom in his will. Jadaa found a folder in the attic. That’s how we bought the apartment. Now, I know how to use a sink, and know not to leave milk out, and which shoes go on which feet. I'll still need some help, but Jadaa will be there for me.

" Mom said I distracted you from everything, with visits to the beach, and flower crowns.”

" Sis, that’s not true.”

" I know. I have you now.” We walked on the shore and let the sand squish between our feet. She looked up at the stars and smiled.

" Thank you,” she said to the sky, her face streaked with tears of joy.

"What was that for?" I asked, fixing her crown of daffodils.

" Nothing, sis. Nothing." She smiled, and we linked arms.

That net we were stuck in is still with us. But now we embrace it and learn to control the weight on us.

For now, we’ll eat chocolate. And run in the grass barefoot. Collect bracelets. Laugh too loud, and overuse perfume. We’ll collect bracelets, and take baths.

We can’t see what’s coming next. We can only see what the tide brings in, head held high, our head adorned with a crown.