Dear.. you,

Dear friend

Dear ex-friend

DEAR JERK!

Dear heartbreaker..

Dear, You know who you are,

Therapists always say you should whenever having strong emotions write down what you're feeling. I don't go to a therapist, it just seems like common knowledge. So I'm writing a letter to you not that you would never read this but it’s to you nonetheless. Maybe you’ll find it in my closet one day. But hopefully, you will never go through my closet. Because never going through someone else's closet is also common knowledge.

Everyone has their stories of first heartbreak, if I were to go to my sister she would say it's no big deal, we’d both have flashbacks of her sobbing loudly into her pillow for weeks on end only eating ice cream, swearing death on her ex and tearing him out of the yearbook and then my sister would promptly shut the door on me. My mom would give me a hug and tell me that nothing lasts forever and to go mend my friendship. My dad wouldn't care my brother would have no idea what I was talking about and my grandpa would go on and on about this girl Suzy with the rosy cheeks and her curly blonde hair and I would spend my time thinking about how likely it was that Suzy was still alive.

Anyways, heartbreak happens to everyone. And eventually you'll get over it, and in the scheme of things it's really no big deal so talking about it will cause no one to be even remotely interested or you'll be stuck in your chair for hours hearing about ‘Back when I was your age.’ but you dear letter won't judge me, you dear letter will understand that heartbreak is a big deal because you've never experienced it, you dear letter will listen.

Heartbreak always seems so distant, like car crashes and cancer it seems so unlikely until it happens. Everyone prepares for heartbreak because they know realistically it will happen eventually and most likely many many times. They always tell you to prepare for the worst and hope for the best but when talking or thinking about love everyone normally prepares for the best and has a little side note the worst could happen but why would it possibly happen to you.

Emotions are messy things and remind me of pizza toppings. There are so many different flavors and variations, some often come with others as well, just like when you have ham on your pizza it's often accompanied by pineapple. Emotions are pizza toppings because you can add so many or so little and sometimes when you're eating a pizza some of the toppings contradict each other and you feel like you shouldn't be eating both at the same time. I'm trying to sort my emotions at the moment. And my feelings toward you.

Obviously, none of this is your fault just as it's not my fault either. I keep thinking of all these god-awful things to say to you exposing your darkest secrets in front of everyone. After tearing every trace of you off my walls, every photo of you, or artwork we created together anything that reminded me of you being thrown away, as I thought of all these things to insult you with, I just keep thinking and really knowing it's not your fault. Just because you don't like me back doesn't mean you're a jerk doesn't mean you're cold-hearted. It’s not like you were trying to break my heart, it's not about me really, it's about you and how you feel towards me and it just means you don't feel the same and there's nothing I can do about that but accept that's the reality.

Just because I know in my heart it's true doesn't mean I'm going to put your pictures back up and pretend nothing happened because you still hurt me. Being rejected hurts like hell and I'm still not ready to face you or accept your still part of my life, because that takes time. It's only been less than a week since you said you just wanted to be friends. Taking you off my wall made me realize you were my everything. You were that one friend who got me. I had to scrounge around my room to find photos to replace the ones that I had taken down. Not having you feels like trying to fill an empty space. Being in my room and seeing your chair empty is a space that's physically empty. And just being without you feels like I'm empty. Maybe I'm exaggerating, maybe I'm not. 

I was talking with my mom and she thinks that we should hang out and patch that awkwardness but honestly, I don't want to. Every time I see you I feel like I'm picking open the scab over and over again when really what I need to do is let it heal. I saw you for the first time since you broke my heart and you acted like everything was fine. Like that moment on the doorstep never happened. How I felt for you never existed. We were just two normal friends. I don't know if that makes me feel better or worse. On one hand, when I'm ready we can fall into the rhythm we were in before and things won't be awkward or weird. On the other hand, acceptance is always better than denial but maybe you're accepting this in your own way. Maybe you accepted it long ago because I wasn't exactly hiding my feelings and you were just being nice by pretending you didn't know.

When all of my friends including you found out I had a crush on someone but I couldn't tell any of you because it would make things ‘complicated’ I can't tell you how much of an understatement that was. I don't know if our relationship will ever be the same, maybe it could be if it tried but maybe it won't.

It's time for me to go to bed. It's almost one in the morning. I just have to say when I'm around you I'm going to avoid you for a little while. And I'll try not to be a jerk about it. You know how when I dislike someone I ignore them and scare them off with my rude comments and I'd like to promise you I won't do that to you but honestly, I don't know if I can. I want to salvage this friendship because it does mean a lot to me, when I'm ready I know it will be awkward just give me some time to heal and then I cant wait to see you again :)

-your friend

-your ex-friend

-the persons whose heart you broke

-you know who I am