Me, myself and Anorexia

27 years and I've never eaten rice. or cherries. or Starbucks. I have 543 brands I don't eat from anymore. but I chose these ones because they were the top three.

I'm anorexic, congratulations to you if you guessed right because you get to eat the pasta I'm trying to eat right now, from Brilla, which is No.67 on my brands-that-i-shouldn't-eat-from-list. being anorexic is boring and wet. literally. (it hasn't stopped raining since last week). I'm trying to eat more but I just can't.

my doctor says to try harder.

my therapist says to try harder.

my family says to try harder.

everyone says to try harder.

but I just can't. they just don't understand. even the doctors. they say they do because they have a P.H.D in this stuff. I believe that nobody can get qualifications from this stuff if you haven't been through it yourself. they sometimes set me some goals to complete each month. so far I have completed 2 goals and I am doing the third one right now-to eat 100grams of pasta from a company I don't feel comfortable eating from. so far I've managed to leave one pasta on my plate which I think is a big achievement.

oh, I forgot to introduce myself. I'm Siobhan Lauren Henderson. I'm 27 years old. I have no kids. no siblings. I was born in Italy when my mom and dad were supposed to be having a holiday. dad says it was a surprise to see you out earlier than you were supposed to. (that basically means you got into the way of our holiday when we were trying to relax and now we have to pay for your VISA for ten years until you become a full British citizen) I hate to break it to you but...I hate my mom. she was the reason why I have anorexia. it happened when I was 14. I was invited to my best friend's party( i don't have a best friend anymore as my old one died in a car crash). so, my mom went shopping and bought me a size 12 dress. when I told her it wasn't my size, she said that you haven't noticed how fat you've become.

ever since she's called me fat.

first, I missed school lunch. slowly, the school snack time because I thought the fruit they gave us had so much glucose that it'd make me even fatter. then breakfast. and almost dinner time. I remember when I attended university, my roommate, Cameroon,(also one of the most popular boys in my year) caught me throwing huge amounts of food in the bin and even saw me skip mealtime. until a very hot, summer day exposed me. I was trying to swap my jumper into my long-sleeved blouse while no one was looking. my entire arm and shoulder were unmasked which caught Cameroon's eyes.

"what are you doing to yourself?" was the first question he asked when we went back to our rooms, his body blocking the doorway of my room.

"it's nothing. it's nothing to worry about. you don't need to tell anyone."

I remember Cameroon shaking his head.

"what you are doing is dangerous to your health. my step-aunt died of anorexia. that could happen to you if you don't stop"

"Cam, I need to study"

his green reptiles eyes were fixed on me. I recall Cameroon crossing his arms and saying:

"fine. if you won't eat, I won't eat"

it was like he knew I wouldn't bear it if he died because of me, so I ate. except when he wasn't looking I would throw a bit of food into the bin and cover it with a piece of rubbish or scrunched-up paper. I knew that after university I would turn back to my old eating habits. Cameroon knew that too. so one month before we were leaving he went to the teacher and told him about my problem. he told the head of the school who called my godmother(my mom sent me to live with her 7 years ago) who called a doctor. and now they were in my case. I remember screaming at my roommate. he would turn his music up really loud to drown out my voice. I hated him for it, then but now I wish I had listened to him. now it's impossible to get out 'cause I've grown up with it.

I heard a knock on the door.

"Siobhan, it's me"

oh, god. it's my therapist.

"I'm with the tv crew. they're doing a documentary on people with anorexia"

I slipped on my jumper and opened the door.

I gave the cameras a huge fake smile.

"Hello, Oona"

Oona, my therapist, stepped inside.

we sat down on the sofa. the cameras took the whole space and the whole room. I shifted in my seat as the cameras faced me.

"are they rolling?" I asked. (it was more of a squeak)

Oona shook her head.

"Nah, we're just getting ready. do you want your face blurred?"

no, I don't want to be in this at all I thought

"yes please"

a director stepped forward. she looked really pretty. she wasn't too skinny or too fat. she was just right. exactly how I looked like when I was 14.

"Hey, I'm Wendy, Oona gonna ask some questions and all you have to do is answer"

my heart was thudding in my chest. beads of sweat slide over my face.

Oona gave my hand a small squeeze.

"are you ok?"

I gave her another fake smile.

"one...two...three"

Oona turned to look at me.

"what made you start to eat less?"

"I started to eat less when I was...when I was...14. i...it was at a...a party with my friends. some people made fun of weight there"

that was a big lie. your mom started it, not the people at the party. my conscience said to me.

Oona frowned. she knew that was not the reason why my anorexia started. she simply raised her eyebrows and started to read the next question.

My eyes shifted to the camera and back. my hands were sweaty. my heart was thudding. my tongue felt swollen in my mouth.

Oona frowned.

"Are you ok, Siobhan?"

I wasn't listening to her. I couldn't listen to her. the voices were, here again, telling me how fat I was in front of the camera.

I closed my eyes. the dark seemed to smother and hug me. I was suffocating, slowly.

then the lights turned off.