No Red Flags

All she had told me was that she needed a date for a wedding. I probably should have asked more questions, but it sounded simple enough. The circumstances were a bit odd from the beginning, but that just added a sense of adventure to it. I found her on Grindr. I sent a message, asking what she was doing there, and did she know it was an app for gay men looking to hook up.

“Yeah, I know, I’m sorry if this is inappropriate, I just really need a date to a WeDDiNG, but not like a real date, and I don’t trust the men on the other apps not to get fresh with me, so I just thought I would give this a try, I’m so sorry if I was misleading or anything, I just need a PLaToNiC date, I’ll even pay you, it’s a really important wedding and all my friends are out of town, please help, but I understand if you’re out of town or something, it’s this coming wednesday ;(”

“Yeah, I’ll do it,” I wrote back. “Sounds fun!”

“OMGEEEZ THANK YOU SO MUCH, I LOVE YOU, MEET ME HERE ON WEDNESDAY AT 7AM,” and she provided an address in all caps.

“I’ll be there!”

Wait. Seven in the fucking morning?? Was that normal? I’ll be honest, I’ve never actually been to a wedding before. I had a small circle of friends. There was one couple who had been together forever, but didn’t care about the ceremony. And the rest were like me, dating occasionally, but hadn’t had any major commitments. I knew married people, but they were more friends of friends, and I was always just on the outskirts of getting that invite. Which suited me fine! Weddings didn’t sound that exciting to me, I’m too broke to worry about buying gifts, and now there was this new wrinkle that you apparently had to be ready for them at 7am? I’ve been dodging bullets, but now it was time to bite one. I had committed to a stranger to be their plus one.

On Tuesday evening, I showered and shaved, and picked out my nicest outfit. I took an Ambien at 10pm and set the alarm for 6am, giving me plenty of time to snooze. I rolled out of bed the next morning at 6:35, had some coffee, put on the clothes I had laid out, ate a quick bowl of cereal, and drove to the apartment complex I was supposed to meet her at. I was there right at 7. She buzzed me in, and I walked up three flights of stairs to her apartment. She stood waiting in the doorway. “Hi,” I said. “Catherine?”

“Hi, oh my geez, you look AMAZING. Sorry, no, Catherine is a made up name I used for the apps. My real name is Kate.”

“Uh… ok. Thanks. I’m Austin.”

“Oscar? Oh, hahaha, so you used a fake name too! Well, it’s nice to meet you, Oscar.”

“No, I didn’t. It’s Austin, like it was on the app.”

“Oscar, yeah. I got it.” She rolled her eyes at me. This happened a lot. Often enough that I’ve wondered if I somehow say my own name wrong. It’s usually easiest to just go with it.

“Right, sure. That’s my name.”

“DON’T BE NERVOUS!” she shouted, and then threw her head back in screeching laughter. “Come on, come on, get in here before they get out.”

I entered the apartment, and she shut the door behind me. It was a studio apartment, and it was almost completely empty. There was a mattress over a box spring on the floor and a chest of drawers at the foot with a TV on top. Against another wall was a miniature facsimile of a wedding altar that looked like it had been built by a five year old. Nearby were two bowls on the floor.

“I’ll go grab the bride and groom,” she said. “They’re hiding in the closet.” She pulled open the closet door, which had been slightly ajar already, and on the inside of the door was a poster of a tree branch that said “Hang In There” at the top, but there was no kitten hanging off the branch. Where the hell was the kitten? Did it fall? Was this poster trying to say “hang in there… or else”? Why did this exist? Kate walked out holding a cat in each arm.

“Oscar, I want you to meet Ted and Joanna. They’re in love and they’re getting married today.”

“I’m sorry, this is the wedding I’m here for? Two cats?”

“Yeah, of course.” Both cats started squirming and wiggling around, so she put them down. They trotted over to me, and I bent over, outstretching my hand for them to sniff at and size me up. I sat on the floor to let them keep smelling me, and she sat on her mattress.

“It’s just, this is not really what I was expecting,” I said.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, I guess I assumed it would be like a, a people wedding.”

“Oscar! WHAT. Oh my geez, that’s HILARIOUS. You’re so retarded! No, I told you all my friends are out of town. This is a family affair. Ugh, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to be confusing! It’s just, you didn’t ask any questions, so I figured you wouldn’t care, and I hope I haven’t ruined anything. Is it ruined? Are you gonna leave? Please stay, this is really, really important to me. I know we don’t know each other very well, but it’s really a big day for Ted and Joanna and I couldn’t stand it if you left, and it’s really not my fault because I didn’t know you were so retarded…” and suddenly she was sobbing.

“Oh, no, please don’t cry. And please, uh, maybe don’t use that word anymore… Um, I can stay, Kate. It’s not a problem. I’m gonna stay.”

She looked up at me with her big teary eyes. “You’re not upset?”

“I’m definitely surprised, but truthfully, I’m also relieved. I love cats. People… not as much. Um, why don’t you tell me about them? How did you choose those names?”

“They’re named after Meryl Streep and Dustin Hoffman in Kramer vs. Kramer. It’s my favorite movie.”

“You’re marrying cats who you named after characters in the most famous divorce movie of all time?”

“Uh-huh. That one’s Ted.” Ted was crawling onto my lap and looking up at me. I stroked his head, and he leaned into it, enjoying the affection. He was fluffy and white, very cute. “So that’s Joanna.” Joanna was a mischievous-looking tuxedo cat, mostly black with a strip of white from her chin down across her belly. Also quite beautiful. She was perched on her front paws, with her hind legs straight, her eyes looking absolutely wild. She was hunting something. She wagged her butt a couple times, then took off running toward nothing in particular, screeched to a stop, leaped in the air, and scurried back into the closet. “Joanna’s a nut,” Kate told me.

“She’s gorgeous,” I said. “They’re both beautiful.”

“Thanks. I know it’s confusing that the bride looks like she’s in a tuxedo, and the groom is all white. It’s a bit of a gender reversal, I hope that doesn’t gross you out. There’s nothing I can really do about it.”

“Of course not. Why would that gross me out? If anything, it’s charming. Very modern.”

She looked at me with a hint of disgust. “Agree to disagree. But like I said, there’s nothing I can do about it.” I was getting a little nervous about Kate’s politics. Why was she concerned with gender as it related to cat fur? How would that translate to how she viewed people? She did find me on Grindr, so she had to be open to a degree of queerness. At least I think so.

“Can I use your restroom?” I needed to get away for a minute, and also really did have to pee.

She nodded. “If you’re taking a shit, there’s no toilet paper. And the door doesn’t close all the way. And try to be quick, I want to get started.”

I stood up off the floor, and went in to her bathroom. The door closed, but the knob wouldn’t latch no matter how hard I pulled. I took my pants down and sat on the toilet to pee. Right away, I heard paws scraping on the door. Ted had stood on his back legs with his front paws on the door, and leaning forward with his full weight, the door flew open and slammed against the wall. He looked left, then right, inspecting the room. Then turned around and walked right out. I heard Kate do her screeching laugh again. I was able to reach the door to swing it back shut. I hurriedly finished, washed my hands, and walked out. I had completely forgotten to take a moment to think about my situation, and whether it was actually a good idea to stay. She seemed harmless enough, so I made a quick decision in the spirit of adventure. Let’s see this through.

Kate ran to me, and grabbed my hands in her own. “Oscar, I want you to know I’m so glad you’re here. This is a really special day for me, and it means a lot that you took a chance on a stranger, and are willing to spend today, and the next few days for the honeymoon, here with me, celebrating this beautiful union of two sweet souls. I’m sorry I called you that word earlier. I’m not very good at socializing. Remember when I said my friends were out of town? That was a lie. The truth is, I don’t actually have any friends. They all died under mysterious circumstances. You’re all I have left, Oscar. You and the cats.”

“Back up a moment. A few days for the honeymoon?”

“Maybe more. Maybe forever. Oh my geez. Look, I know things are moving fast. But do you think you could move in with me? You don’t have to pay rent. I have a TV and a VCR and those drawers are full of tapes. This wedding will only take a minute. They’re just cats, they don’t really care about getting married. I lied before about them being in love. They don’t even like each other that much. Realistically, the honeymoon will be three days tops. Then we can start our life together. Will you marry me? It will be platonic, like I said. That part was true. I understand you’ll never be interested in me sexually. I don’t even like sex. It grosses me out. I’ll never pressure you, I swear. Oscar, will you marry me? Do you want to share this life and this apartment with me and Joanna and Ted?”

“Kate, I…” Joanna had come back into the room. She sauntered over and rubbed her body against my leg. “Kate. I do.”