Love after Miscarriage

Love after Miscarriage

By K.L.Newton

   It hurts. I’ve been bleeding for three weeks now. When will it end? Why did this happen to me? To us? I glance over at my husband, David, and the guilt crashes into me again. The sobs rack my body all over again, and he reaches for me. Sorrow in his eyes. I pull away, unable to be held by the man who I let down. I lost our baby for reasons I don’t know yet. All I feel is pain. Pain as my body rids me of my child that we wanted so badly. The blood circles the drain and in that moment it signifies all my hope, just circling the drain. 

   Months have gone by and he still hasn’t touched me: not that I’ve wanted him too. Until now, I was drowning in my own sorrow unable to process anything around me. David has been so supportive through it all, except for intimacy. He’s no longer the intimate and approachable guy he was when we got married. There is a wall there now, one that I have partly helped build. I have to breach it if we are ever going to make it through this. 

   I pull the laundry out of the dryer and it catches my breath for just a moment. The little snuggie I had bought for Ayden is the first thing I pull out. Followed by his blankets, socks, and onesies. I may have only been 3 months along but I knew it was a boy and I knew how I wanted to decorate. I started shopping early in the hopes we’d be more prepared. Nothing could prepare us for losing Ayden. 

   After the bleeding stopped I went into such a deep depression I didn’t know what way was up. I felt so much guilt that my body couldn’t carry my baby. That it was my fault the baby was lost. Now I’m about to lose my marriage because of it. I hope he’s not seeing someone else, that would put me at rock bottom. 

   She’s in the laundry room when I get home, holding Ayden’s blanket looking lost. It kills me to see her like this. I want to reach out and hold her, but every time I touch her she flinches like I’ve burned her. It breaks my heart, I don’t know what to do. My guilt is so huge because I can’t help her through this. Nothing I have done has reached her, she’s so quiet and withdrawn. I miss my fun loving, happy wife. When we lost Ayden it felt like I lost her too. I’ve been working doubles at the Plant to be able to afford the tests she needs to find out why we lost Ayden. I’ll pay for whatever she needs to feel better again. I just wish she wouldn’t push me away. I take a deep breath and paste on a smile for her.

   “Hello there beautiful. Where did you go off too?” I smile at her even as the tears begin to gleam in her eyes, but I don’t reach out to her. She doesn’t want me right now.

   “Oh David. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry I’ve been so out of it,” she says as her tears start to fall, but she’s looking directly at me, not down at her feet, not up at nothing, but at me, “I’m sorry I lost our Ayden, I’m sorry that we lost him. I’m sorry I’ve been pushing you away. But I need you. How come you don’t hold me anymore? I need you to hold me. I don’t think I can make it through this if you don’t start holding me again.” 

   I’m dumbstruck, I am so confused and frustrated. I feel so ashamed I’ve let her go this long thinking I don’t want to hold her. Well not anymore, I take a step forward and wrap my arms around her. Holding her steady as she puts her head on my chest and cries. Her sobs are shaking her little body and I am so angry at myself. She’s had to lost at least 15 lbs, and I hadn’t even noticed. 

   Rubbing her head, I try to soothe her the only way I know how. I start to hum, the vibrations of my voice have always helped ground her, I hope it will help now. I start humming the melody to “Break on Me” by Keith Urban, dancing with her and swaying us from side to side. Kissing her forehead I look down at her big soulful eyes. I know she needs me and now I know she wants me still. I’ll never let her feel this sorrow again if I can help it.

   “Love, I’ve been working double shifts at the Plant, I have enough money to get the tests done now… Do you want to figure this out? Maybe try again eventually?”

   “Oh honey…” sobbing again she holds onto me tighter, like she never wants to let go and for the first time in a while, I realize I need her. Bending down, I capture her lips with mine and start whispering everything that she means to me. I remind her of the love I have for her and that I am still here. I remind her that we will get through this together.

"What if I can't have babies, David? What if my body can't hold them?"

"Then we will adopt. But you are my family, Sarah. You are the love of my life, the light of my life. Please don't push me out again. I need you. Let my love help, let my love hold and support you."

Smiling up at me, she leans in and places a soft kiss on my lips. Then takes my hand, and leads me towards the bedroom. Smiling down at her, I pick her up like I did on our wedding day and the giggle she lets out, melts my heart all over again. She buries her face in my neck and I can feel her sigh. We both are finally home.