The Vortex

 “So, this has been here how long?” Jonesey asked, swirling pink vortex spinning two feet away his friend Jack’s commode.

“Sometimes while I was showering this morning. I came in, put my clothes down, and brushed my teeth. Everything was fine then. Next thing I know there’s a rave going on in my bathroom. I almost walked into the damned thing. Instead I slipped backwards and went heels over ass in the shower.”

“Lucky you,” Jonesey said.

“Are you being sarcastic or sincere?”

“I’m not sure. Cracking your head open might have been better than touching this...whatever it is.” Jones put his hand close to the Pepto colored cloud.

“I wouldn’t do that,” Jack said.

“I’m not touching it. I just wanted to see if you could feel anything close up.”

“And?”

“Nothing. No temperature change. No breeze.”

“Huh.”

Jack reached his hand into the space his friend’s had just occupied and his eyes went wide. “I think—I think something is happening.”

A current passed up his arm. It was a sensation so encompassing that he swore he could feel it move through every individual cell in his body. His eyelids peeled back so far with intense fear that he feared they might almost pop out of his head like he were a cartoon character. He glanced at his friend and could see the hairs on his head begin to lift and separate.

“Get down!” With a fistful of Jonesey’s collar, and a few chest hairs, Jack flung himself to the ground, taking his friend with him. Streaks of lightning burst forth through the swirling cloud, hitting a bullseye on anything made of metal in the bathroom, with a few sparks to spare for the lighting fixtures. The sound of murderous electricity and shattering glass were replaced after a few moments but the steady sound of a liquid stream being poured into standing water.

The two lay whimpering while the dribbling continued, trying to muster the nerve to turn and look, unable to believe their retinas once they finally did.

“Dude. Is that…is Commander Valor taking a leak in your bathroom?”

“Yes, he is,” Commander Valor replied. “And if you’re going to stick around and watch could you at least keep quiet?”

All of the lightning that had previously been in the room possibly converged inside the body of Jack, who jumped to his feet and found the strength of will to berate the urinating superhero.

“Just who do you think you are opening a portal in my bathroom and using it without even having the decency to ask?”

Commander Valor shook once...twice...zipped his pants and turned to face Jack. “Listen, citizen--,”

“Jack”, replied Jack.

“Citizen Jack. First of all I didn’t open a portal into your bathroom. That was the work of The Vortex Vole. Secondly, right now my friends in the Alpha Brigade are just outside of Mars fighting an alien species that wants to wipe us all out, including you. We are risking our lives to save yours, so the least you could do was show a little gratitude and allow us to use your washroom when the need arises.”

“But why my bathroom?”

Commander Valor paused a moment to glance around the room and behind Jack. “Well, I do believe it’s because The Vortex Vole used to live here.”

Jack’s lips moved in several different directions before he finally produced a sound. “What? You mean my landlord Larry is The Vortex Vole?”

Valor grimaced. “Right. I forgot he bought the place and started renting it out. Could you maybe not mention this to Lar—I mean...The Vole? Anywho, gotta get back to the fight. Thank you for your service, citizen Jack!”

Valor returned through the vortex before Jack had time to reply.

“I can’t believe this.”

“I know! This is awesome.” Jonesey looked like a child on Christmas after his parents struck the lottery.

“This is not “awesome”, Jonesey. My toilet has been hijacked by a bunch of inconsiderate superheroes. What if I have to use the bathroom and one of them just zips in while I’m trying to pinch one off?”

“Dude. What if Lady Pomegranate comes in while you’re dropping the kids at the pool?”

Jack managed to narrow and roll his eyes at the same, an impressive feat when the eyeballs are barely visible. “You say that like it would be a good thing.”

“I wouldn’t mind it.” Jonesey’s eyes suddenly burst wide open with an explosion of realization. “Dude! We should hide a camera in here in case she uses the toilet!”

Jack’s eyes narrowed further. “That, my friend, is illegal, immoral, and disgusting. What is wrong with you?”

“What’s wrong with you? She’s hot.”

Jack huffed while he picked up the towels that blew around the room upon Commander Valor’s entrance. “Why here? Why not a fast food bathroom? Don’t they have some kind of base they could warp to?”

A defeated Jack took a seat on the side of his tub, joined quickly by Jonesey. “Look, they’re gonna be beaming in here whether you like it or not. Maybe you could at least get something out of it.”

There was no time to respond as more lightning erupted around the room. Jack and Jonesey stayed upright, but backed against the far wall as if they were trying to become part of it. This time a man dressed in a black rubber suit with a cape and snake’s head mask stepped through.

“The Black Mamba,” Jonesey said.

The newly entered her took a look around and sniffed. “It’s dark in here. I like it. Good thing Valor didn’t stink the joint up.”

Jack swallowed the grapefruit that lodged in his threat and took a few tentative steps forward.

“Hello um…Mr. Mamba. I was just wonder...”

“Get out!” the masked man screamed.

“I think he needs to twosey,” Jonesey said.

Jack cast a backwards glare before softening his look to once again address The Mamba.

“We will, but I was wondering if perhaps you could put in a word to Larry that...”

The Black Mamba’s hands shot out, grabbed Jack’s ears and pulled his face to within an inch of his own. “Who told you about Larry?” he yelled.

Tears welled in Jack's eyes as Black Mamba's cold stare sent tendrils of fear writhing throughout Jack's body.

"Please, sir. Don't kill me, sir. Commander Valor told me. Larry is my landlord. I won't tell anyone, sir."

The Mamba released his grip, who feel to the floor with a boom as his butt hit the floor tiles. “Guy always talks too much." He glanced down at Jack who was two steps away from an all out breakdown. "Don't shit your pants, kid--not until I'm done in here at least. Now get the hell out of here so I can take care of business and get back to work.”

Jonesey leaned in and whispered into Jack’s ear. “Come on, man. Don't be a bitch. Negotiate.”

Jack's humiliation combined with Jonesey's mocking encouragement initiated some combustible element within Jack. which caused his fear to transmute into quiet indignation, which was as close at Jack could come to being pissed off. Jack noticed The Mamba, who was now trying to hide the beginnings of a pee pee dance, was about to feel the inferno that was a stern talking to from Jack.

“Okay, fine. We will leave. But I want something in return!”

The Black Mamba narrowed his eyes and locked his knees together. “What?”

“Um...I want a ride in your car.”

“No deal!”

“A ride in your car or we stay and watch.”

“You’re sick!”

“I’m slightly annoyed. Now say yes or we make it difficult for you.”

“Fine! A ride in my car. Now get the hell out of here!”

“And a suit,” Jonesey added.

“What?”

“We both want super suits”

The Black Mamba was could feel things moving and had no more will left to fight it or the two little extortionists. “Fine! A ride and two super suits! Now get the hell out of here and toss me more toilet paper!”

The door slammed shut behind them, almost off the hinges. Jack and Jonesey leaned against the door and exhaled.

“Dude,” Jonesey said. “We just beat a super hero.”

Jack managed a little chuckle. “Yeah, I guess we kind of did.”

“You think I should have asked for Lady Pomegranate's number?”

“Shut up, Jonesey.”