The People We Missed

My air became consumed by the heavy fibers of the cloth covering the airways of my mouth and nose. Going through the aisles scavenging through the remaining food just so my boyfriend and I through the week. I could barely get enough to cover the bottom of the cart, but it was enough to give us hope. I scanned my own groceries as I rapidly bagged each one. My eyes laid low enough to see over the mask yet enough to avoid eye contact with anyone around me. I’m fully aware I’m not the only one barely making it, but I couldn’t bear to take on everyone else’s struggles through casual conversation. 

“Jacklyn!” A voice called out to me trailing me away from the deep vortex of my own mind. 

My breath progressively decelerated away from hyperventilation as the voice belonged to a figure. That dark figure began to gain color and shape. It became something real. 

“You had another episode.” Hailey gently picked my hand up to hers releasing each tensed-up nerve in my body. I couldn’t feel those nerves there. Not when he was here. 

“I don’t understand. We-” I trailed off as I looked over to the empty spot next to me. The only light coming from my hand in which held that spot. I held it as if it were the last piece. The last place I felt safe. “I was just watching TV. 

Hailey brought all of her body weight to the tips of her toes as she began to kneel in front of me. She gently grabbed my other hand and cupped both within one another. She tilted her head sympathetically to the side making me want to punch her in the face. 

Because she didn’t get it. 

“Did you see him again?” 

“No. Even if I did, what would it matter he’s-” My voice cracked as the tears began to gloss over my eyes. 

“Hey, it’s okay. You can talk about it.” She tenderly pulled me into a hug. Each arm hovering over my body as I rolled up into a ball. The tears streamed down my face and uncontrollably became cries. Those cries quickly escalated into sobs.

Then I just stopped. 

“No,” I sniffled, “I can’t.”

Hailey sighed. “Okay. Why don’t you go in the shower or,” she paused as she stood up to her feet, “Why don’t I run you a bath?” 

“That sounds really nice.” No, it really doesn’t, but I can’t be rude to her now. I can’t name anyone else who would fly from Wisconsin to Massachusetts just for me. I mean, I know she’s my sister, but even some sisters wouldn’t do that. 

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Sometimes, it only takes one action. One little activity triggers my sense of memory. One minute he’s there right on the couch with his arm wrapped around my back and his head balancing on top of mine. Then the next, he’s just gone. Like a memory, only there for a second. But at that last minute, that last second I realize I’ve gone into a visual panic. It’s within the second I realize he’s already gone and I can’t save him anymore. Tell me, how am I supposed to tell my sister that?

“I poured a cup of your salts and bubble bath in already.” She grabbed the knob of the door. “The towels are on the toilet and I am right outside if you need me, okay?”

“Okay,” I mumbled. 

I ripped off every last bit of clothing and threw it to the hamper by the door. My left foot slowly lowered beneath the field of bubbles into the warm pool of water. I started to sink my right foot in as soon as I could feel the base of the tub with my left foot. My body lowered into a lying position leaving me to stare at the boring white ceiling above me. 

Leaving one big canvas to paint. A canvas that led me there all over again. 

64b, Our apartment number on the second floor of the complex. I dragged my small black cart of shopping bags to the elevator left of the lobby. I had been the only person in the elevator on a Friday night at 4 pm. Never in a million years would that happen in the city of Boston. Everyone works, but not anymore. I looked down at my phone to see his text. 

“AFTER YOU PUT THE GROCERIES AWAY, I LAID YOU OUT AN OUTFIT. GET DRESSED IN THE GUEST BATHROOM.❤️”

I responded with, “OKAY BABE. SEE YOU WHEN YOU GET HOME❤️.”

Something inside of me was telling me tonight was the night. I’ve been waiting for it since we were just kids. My phone hovered over my heart as my face lit up in light shades of pink. I stared up at the elevator spotlight as if it were stars on a clear country night. 

The doors slowly separated opening up to the dimmed and grey hallways of the second floor. I rushed myself and the cart to room 64b. I instantaneously pulled the keys out of my pocket and jammed them in the door. Twisting and turning sporadically just to open the door. I put the groceries away like there was no tomorrow. Then, I caught a glance at the couch. 

On the couch laid out this black-on-black lace dress with a gold beaded A-line. Next to it, my strapless black heels balanced and my small golden hoop earrings laid. “Tonight is the night!” I squealed in happiness. Soon my heart took over my mind and I picked up all of the items and brought them to our guest bathroom. 

The next half an hour became dedicated to showering, doing my hair, applying mascara, and just trying to look as perfect as it could get. The way the dress slipped over my body made everything pop but in that really great flattering way. I stood in the mirror for a good five minutes making it look even better. I started imagining it as if he was standing next to me in his little winter beanie covering his light brown hair. 

The apartment echoed with a knock. 

There he was. RIght behind the door. My body ached from the movement of the butterflies floating around in my stomach. The door creaked slightly as it opened. There, his deep brown eyes met with my ocean blue eyes. He smiled brightly creating a small dimple on his right cheek. He wore a matching black-on-black suit with little dress shoes. He held out these red roses to me and whispered, “Ready to go?” 

His charm got me every time. “Yes.” We walked out that door together arm linked as if we were about to go to a ball. But at this time, there were no balls. People hid in their homes as the virus continued to spread. Maybe something we should have considered. 

“Jacklyn!” 

That night had to have been the most magical. He brought me on a walk around the park in Boston’s center, then to the rooftop of our apartment complex. We shared strawberry wine and made a toast. “No matter what, I’ll be there.” He placed his fingertips under my chin as he lifted my head up. There, our lips met magic flew everywhere. He made that promise, even though his proposal. 

“Jacklyn, can you hear me?” 

I used to think his charm was too much. The way he looked at me wasn’t deserved. I did believe he would be here though. I saw our future and it’s sickening that this disease took it away. 

“Breath, it’s okay,” Hailey sobbed, “The ambulance is on their way.” 

The fact that he isn’t here a year later, breaks me in two. Tears burn in my skin slowly pulling me from the vortex again. 

“Focus, I’m right here.”

The pandemic gave me a fiance. The pandemic had given us a battle. A battle in which we thought we could fight. We thought we would be here. But instead, a lay in a tub unable to breathe thinking about just stopping. 

“Look at the bubbles, please.”

The pandemic gave me experience, but it wasn’t one I wanted to know. 

But you’re gone.

I’ll forever know.