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Funny Fiction Speculative

“Okay Tammy, do you know why you were called into my office today?” Mr. Laury, the principal of Sierra Primary Middle School looked at 12-year-old Tammy with a face of stone. His glasses sat comically on his round nose, one lens missing, the other heavily cracked.

“Well…” Tammy looked off to the side, blowing an errant lock of red hair away from her bright blue eyes. She picked at her fingernails, the clicking sound echoing throughout the small, cramped office. “Was it the mouse?”

“Among other things, yes.”

“I mean, Sidney dared me to bring it into class! I just wanted to show that I wasn’t scared. That’s all Mr. Laury!”

“That’s no excuse, Tammy. We’ve discussed this—many times. Every week you come in here with another issue and another excuse. Peer pressure isn’t going to cut it this time. Besides, the mouse was only the beginning.”

“I know. I didn’t mean to scare Mrs. Fuller with it. How was I supposed to know she was afraid of them?”

“I think you already knew, that’s why you brought it in in the first place.”

“You should have seen her face when they were taking her to the hospital though,” Tammy giggled uncontrollably, before quickly straightening up at the sight of Mr. Laury’s unpleased stare.

“A heart attack is nothing to make light of, Tammy. Mrs. Fuller has a serious condition, and what you did was very harmful. She could have died.”

“Then why is she teaching? If she has a heart condition, shouldn’t she be doing something more boring, like an accountant or tax lawyer?”

“She should be able to teach her class without disruptions, Tammy. That’s what she should be doing.”

Tammy looked off to the side again, unable to meet the large man’s gaze. “It’s not like I meant for her to go to the hospital. I'm sorry.”

“Apologize to her when—if, she comes back. But then there's the issue of the chickens.”

“I only brought them in to help catch the mouse! It was super fast and I couldn’t grab it. Chickens are natural born mouse killers.”

“I am aware. But that still doesn’t excuse the fact that you stole those chickens, Tammy.”

“I was going to give them back!”

“You stole them from a Mexican drug cartel.”

“They do the rooster fights. Those are the best mouse killers by far.” Tammy crossed her arms and pursed her lips, irritated that she had to explain such basic concepts to a principal of education of all people.

“What do you have to say about all the people the cartel kidnapped in retaliation for your theft?”

“Hide better.”

Mr. Laury intertwined his fingers and placed his hands on the desk. His dark brown eyes bore into her soul with the heat of a thousand suns.

“What? I did! They didn’t know where I was the entire time! Not my fault everyone else didn’t find good hiding spots.”

“Seven students are unaccounted for.”

“And the rest are still here. Good odds I say,” Tammy smiled innocently.

“The parents are devastated.”

“And that’s the price you pay to procreate. Sometimes things go bad. What can I say?”

“I had to fight off three cartel members with the fire axe we keep in the teacher’s lounge.” Mr. Laury adjusted his broken glasses. It was then the bandaged wound on his forearm started to bleed through.

“And you did a great job, Mr. Laury! I watched the whole thing from my locker. KICK! POW! Right in the face hole! You should do MMA.”

“Thank you, but this would never have happened if you didn’t hijack one of their Land Cruisers to transport all the chickens. You are barely over four feet tall, how were you even able to reach the pedals?”

“I used one of the chickens.”

“What now?”

“I tied it to the bottom of my foot. I drive at my mom and dad’s farm all the time. I know what I'm doing.”

Mr. Laury dropped his head. He took off his glasses and rubbed the bridge of his nose, causing the broken lens to crumble and fall to his desk. After some time, he put them back on and continued with the questioning. “Naturally. Why would I think otherwise? But that doesn’t explain how the MS-13 gang members made their way onto school grounds.”

“Apparently one of the roosters was a prize fighter that those tattooed guys always use. They wanted it back, so I gave it to them. Big deal.”

“It was dead.”

“It was the one I used to drive the truck.”

“The gang members were not pleased.”

“No…no, they weren’t.”

“And then they held Mr. Ruger hostage in the history classroom until they received a proper fighting rooster.”

“Not my fault! I gave it back!” Tammy began pouting again.

“They cut off one of Mr. Ruger’s pinky fingers.”

“I'm sorry, okay!”

Suddenly the door flew open and one of the faculty members burst in, nearly out of breath. “Mr. Laury, the FBI are here and want to talk to Tammy.”

Mr. Laury’s left eye twitched. “Tell them we’ll be done shortly, if you would please, Jim.”

“Got it,” Jim nodded before exiting the office, closing the door behind him.

Mr. Laury turned his attention back to Tammy. “The FBI, Tammy?”

“Thaaaaaat may have something to do with the exotic animal trafficking thing,” Tammy winced.

“You mean the near-extinct pythons that you somehow smuggled into the gymnasium during the shootout between MS-13 and the cartel members?”

“Anacondas.”  

“My Mistake. Anacondas.”

“Yeah. The mustached guy gave me a good price. Not my fault they got loose.”

“You mean the Lithuanian gentleman.”

“Yeah. I didn’t know it was illegal. I just wanted to bring them for show and tell.” Tammy sneered. “Most of them got away. They cost me $40!”

“Not before one of them devoured our school mascot.”

“Nobody cares about a stupid giant beaver anyways…”

“There was a person inside the mascot suit, Tammy.”

“Oh.”

Mr. Laury sighed and leaned back in his chair. The loud creak from it irritated Tammy’s ears. The principal clasped his hands behind his head, looking to the ceiling through his broken glasses. Another sigh from him caused her to shift in her seat. After what seemed like an eternity, he leaned forward once again.

“Tell me about the hitman,” he asked reluctantly.

“Oh, Craig? Yeah, he's always been after me. Since that time in Moscow,” Tammy shrugged.

“You were in Moscow?”

“Uh-huh. Last year. My mom and dad were going to some fertilizer convention for farmers or something. They didn’t want to leave me alone because of what happened last time with all the wasps and badgers.”

“Of course.”

“Moscow was really fun. Kind of cold though.”

“And this man has been following you since then?”

“Uh-huh.”

“May I ask why?” One of Mr. Laury’s eyebrows arched slightly.

“I think those guys in the jogger suits sent him after me.”

“Jogger suits?”

“Yeah. They call them the ostia, madia, or something.”

“Mafia?”

Tammy snapped her fingers and pointed to him. “That’s it. They didn’t like that I broke into their stupid game room, man cave thingy.”

“Game room?”

“Yeah. All these old fat dudes drinking smelly drinks and playing go fish and this weird black and red spinning thing with the ball.”

“You broke into a Russian mafia’s gambling den?”

“I was looking for my pet rabbit. It ran past the curtain at the door. I just wanted Mr. Tumbles back. Not my fault!”

“And now this man is out to kill you?”

“I guess.”

“Well, he's still at large as far as I know.”

“He's good at getting away. Dad shot him once but he still managed to run away.”

“Moving on…” Mr. Laury cleared his throat. He reached into his desk and pulled out several pieces of paper that held what appeared to be lists on them. “This is where I ask you about the elephants.” Almost as if on cue, a loud trumpeting could be heard from out in the schoolyard.

“Nowhere else to keep them. Dad said I can't keep them on the farm ‘cause they trample and eat all the crops.”

“So, you brought them to school…”

“No one was in the playground at the time. And besides, they helped with some of those cartel guys. They took out at least five of em!”

“Yes, I am well aware. It’ll take hours to clean up the hopscotch grounds.” Mr. Laury put the papers down and massaged his forehead. “How does one so young obtain a herd of elephants anyhow?”

“Gypsy circus.”

“Obviously.”

Another knock on the door. Jim stepped inside once again. “Sorry to bother you Mr. Laury, but the president of Uruguay just arrived, also seeking a word with Tammy.”

Mr. Laury looked through his fingers at the little ball of destruction sitting before him. She simply smiled nervously. “Thanks, Jim. I think her parents should be present before she speaks to anyone else.”

“Righto sir. They’re on their way. Should be here any minute now.” Jim closed the door once again, leaving them to sit in awkward silence for several moments.

“Now,” Mr. Laury finally spoke, “after the troops from Slovenia parachuted in and began a frightful exchange with the remaining cartel and MS-13 members, as well as—”

“—Excuse me, Mr. Laury,” Tammy held up a hand. “My dad always taught me to never lie and to take responsibility for my actions when proper. So, I would like to say, in the case of the Slovenian prime minister, that is 100% my fault. That’s on me. Sorry.”

“Oh?”

“Yes sir. My bad. I should have never stolen his grey hounds.”

“Truly?”

“Or his son.”

 “Excuse me?” Mr. Laury’s eyes squinted.

“He was just a little kid and he latched onto me for some reason. I couldn’t get rid of him; he was like some lost puppy. So, I just went home and he followed me!”

“He followed you all the way home to the United States?”

“No, silly. To Eritrea. We were staying there at the time. This was several months ago, I think.” Tammy rubbed her chin, looking to the floor.

“Let me guess, that’s why there are several African warlords rampaging around the playground this very moment.”

“Completely unrelated.”

“I—never mind. Possible outbreak of intercontinental war and genocide aside, you somehow managed to invoke the wrath of the United Nations.”

“They don’t like rally cars being driven into their buildings.”

“I see.”

“Or the chickens I used to drive the rally car.”

“Uh-huh.”

“They’re super stuffy over there.

“No doubt.” Mr. Laury piled up the papers on his desk and tussled them together. “Well, Tammy. I think it’s fair to say, that after all this bedlam over the past few hours, detention is warranted.”

“Aw, really? Come on Mr. Laury!”

“No, no. I have been very lenient with you over the last several weeks. I dismissed the charges of you selling the home teacher’s kidney. I even defended you when the yakuza came for your head because you insulted the boss’s daughter by stuffing rotten cheese in her mouth—”

“It was a joke!”

“I even looked past you sneaking into the Vatican and taking selfies in their archives. But this”—Mr. Laury stood and pulled the blinds open on the office window—“this, I cannot overlook.”

Outside the window was a scene straight from the realm of Pandora’s Box. Elephants charged members of the cartel and MS-13, African soldiers and freedom fighters clashed with the elephants as well as the Slovenian army. An anaconda with a massively bloated belly in the shape of a human slowly slithered up the jungle gym slide. And occasionally a rooster crowed. Several explosions shook the school; RPGs from the African commandoes most likely.

“Listen, I can explain,” Tammy smiled a toothy smile.

“Not this time, Tammy. Three weeks detention.”

“Three weeks?! Aaawww, but Mr. Laaaaurrrrry!”

“Shall I make it four?”

Suddenly, a flash of light and the sound of static infiltrated the room. The office filled with a stifling chemical smell and dense fog. Mr. Laury and Tammy coughed up a storm before the mist finally dissipated. And there, standing to the side of Tammy was a creature of unknown origin. It held three massive eyes: one in the front of its head, two on the sides like a horse. It stood nearly five feet tall on several tentacle-like appendages that wriggled and writhed with a seemingly orchestrated rhythm. It held no arms and its skin was a scaly reddish-brown.

It managed to emit some sort of sound. “Grck-glub-gurk.”

Mr. Laury looked at it with a stunned but stoic visage.

“Oh, hi Marynackz,” Tammy waved to the odd creature, nonchalantly.

“Blub, blurk.” One of its tentacles stuck up and waved back. It then poked the LED panel on the large electrical collar nestled underneath its giant eyes. With a whirring and sizzle sound, it addressed Mr. Laury in perfect English. “Greetings, human. I am Marynackz of the Zruthyckz dimension. I have come to seek counsel with the Arbiter.”

“The what now?” Mr. Laury was beginning to sweat a little. Not from fear, but all the stress brought on by one little girl.

“Young Tammy. She is the chosen one! With her guidance, our people will be freed from extinction and the blight of the Surthuziank plague! Hail Tammy!”

“I, uh. Indeed…”

“I forgot to tell you,” Tammy added. “I was abducted by aliens on my farm a couple days ago, which was why I was absent. They want me to be the medium between humans and their civilization, and they think I'm their savior.”

“Long may she reign! Hail Tammeh!” Marynackz held up a few tentacles, praising her.

“I—” Mr. Laury stood there in complete and utter confusion. “I, she…she can't. She has detention.”

“Awww!” Marynackz sagged its head; its tentacles slapped depressively to the cold tiled floor.  

“Sorry Maryznackz,” Tammy patted its side.

“But what of her destiny?” The door blew open at the thunderous voice, splintering it into a thousand pieces. The window behind Mr. Laury shattered and blew out, sending shards of broken glass into a nearby cartel members face. Tammy’s hair flew about like a flurry of red snakes. Mr. Laury’s glasses still stayed on his face despite the rush of powerful wind flurrying past him.

Then, in walked a large, menacing man of immense stature. His skin was gold as well as the tall crown adorned in jewels resting atop his head.

“Oh jeeze,” Tammy looked somewhat annoyed. “I told you I’ll think about it Indra!”

“Nonsense!” Indra’s voice boomed once more, nearly knocking Mr. Laury on his rear. “One cannot escape destiny! You are to aid in the war of the pantheon, bwah!”

“I don’t wanna!”

Lighting and thunder clouds suddenly swirled under the small office ceiling, sending papers and debris swarming around. “I demand it, young Tammy! Unite the pantheon!”

“She can't!” Mr. Laury yelled over the noise.

“Huh?” Indra stopped his fuming. The storm ceased. “Human male, what do you mean she cannot?

“She has detention.”

“Aaaawww,” Indra’s shoulder sagged, his four arms falling to his side. The sound of a sad trumpeting echoed from outside the window. Mr. Laury turned to see a giant white elephant standing there, looking in. “Be strong, Airavat. Well, human male…what if she goes for just a little bit?”

“No can do. She's in big trouble. You’ll have to wait.”

“Lame.”

“Right, so if you would be so kind…” Mr. Laury began ushering the Hindu deity and alien commander out the now destroyed office. They reluctantly obliged, heads hanging low.

“Stupid detention,” Indra said, kicking away a piece of shattered door.

Tammy waved goodbye to Airavat, who waved his trunk in kind and stomped off, joining the fight with the other elephants.

Mr. Laury walked back into the room a minute or so later. “All right, Tammy. Here is your detention slip.” He handed her the small piece of paper before snapping his head to the side, dodging a bullet from one of the cartel members. “Be sure to have your mother or father sign it and bring it in tomorrow.”

“Yes Mr. Laury. Can I go now?”

“Yes, you can go. And Tammy, try to stay out of trouble.”

“Yes sir.” Tammy walked out with an aura of depression thick enough to choke on.

Mr. Laury looked around the office, and then outside. The United States Army was subduing the warlords while the FBI and DEA were arresting the remaining cartel and MS-13 members. The school custodian began sweeping up the debris and body parts scattered throughout from the day’s battle. The elephants were mostly calm now, easily herded by authorities. Same with the anacondas. The fires were being subdued as well.

“Things are starting to stabilize at least,” Mr. Laury said to himself, standing there with his arms crossed.

“Mr. Laury?” Jim stumbled in, slipping and tripping over all the splintered wood. “Uh, Tammy’s parents are here. They were looking for her but she's gone.”

“Gone?”

“Yes sir. Apparently, she was summoned to the ‘High Council of Tarinlah,’ realm of the supreme gods or some such thing. A bunch of winged beings of light floated off with her. They left their business cards.” Jim laid a few dozen vibrant, glowing pieces of unknown metal on the desk. They were carved with runes and inscriptions. The moment they hit the particle board desk, they began burning through it like a hot knife through butter.

Mr. Laury sighed. “Oh, that girl. She really did it this time.” After a moment, he couldn’t help but laugh.

“That’s our Tammy!” Jim joined with a big guffaw.

“Right. Okay, let’s get this all cleaned up. I’ll have a word with her parents. If only they knew she had detention.”

“She’ll be back, sir. She always comes back.”

“Indeed.” Another sigh from Mr. Laury. “Just another day at the office.” 

May 17, 2023 23:02

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4 comments

Ikpa Chibuzor
06:46 May 22, 2023

You write well, Paul. I think this should be a children's story, bcos I don't know any adult who would believe it.😆 Good to see you had fun with it. 👍

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Paul Besancon
14:37 May 22, 2023

Why thank you! Decided to take a silly, fun approach this time around.

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Mary Bendickson
02:55 May 18, 2023

It was just a mouse... Rip-roaring fun!

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Paul Besancon
13:03 May 18, 2023

Hahaha, thanks! Thought I'd try silly approach this round. Experimenting with different styles. Lots of fun!

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