Finally, a resolution

Lynne was actively avoiding Sasha’s cheery let’s get together and create our vision board for the New Year messages. The multitude of pings to her phone were becoming more than a slight irritant. They were getting on her last nerve.

Sasha meant well; she had found peace and serenity and she wanted to share the love. Lynne couldn’t help but think of Sasha’s journey as a lot of whoo-whoo: yoga retreats and journaling workshops, apps for meditation – seriously, the woman was a sitting duck whenever an ad for self-help popped up on her Facebook feed. 

Not that Lynne couldn’t use a little peace and serenity in her life. But she had done the self-help/self-care route, pledging to put her own well-being above all others, letting go of toxic people – yada, yada. And to what end? 

To have Martin leave her for a much (much) younger woman, and her children excise her like a festering sore from their lives? 

Her eldest, Kathleen, had accepted a university offer more than five hours from home. And then there was Jonas, her ‘baby’, nineteen with a pregnant (I’m pretty sure it’s mine) seventeen-year-old girlfriend, living in his grandparent’s basement. 

Fat lot of good all those pledges of inner strength were doing her now. 

The idea of a vision board - New Year’s resolutions in a fancy package - was not at the top of Lynne’s list. But holding on to the few friends she still had, that might be worth sucking up her aversion to all things ‘New Year/New You’ related. 

Lynne tried to keep her text to Sasha from venturing into a dark place, but when you are living in a form of hell, it’s hard to be all light and goodness. Hey you. Sorry I’ve been MIA. It was not the best Christmas season. How are you? 

It was a nanosecond before Lynne could see the little messaging speech bubble start to pulse on her phone screen. Oh man! I am so happy to hear from you. I’d begun to think you’d…well, whatever. I want to get your head into the happy space of looking ahead and leave the past in your dust! Are you free tomorrow afternoon?

Lynne was always free. She had no life. 

Yup. I’ll be here. I’ll put out some of my famous guac at about 2 if you want to pop by! Fake it till you make it.

Lynne wandered the house for the next several hours, picking up trinkets, reminders of her happy past. Or rather the past she had thought was happy. It wasn’t healthy, but she didn’t know what else to do. This was her life. When Martin walked out of their marriage, he took nothing but his clothes. She was left with the toxic remnants of their marriage. The pieces collectively acted like an albatross, impinging her ability to move forward. 

Lynne thought things couldn’t get worse; she picked up the phone and dialed her daughter’s number. Kathleen had decided to stay on campus over the winter break, working a crisis hotline rather than come home and face the first Christmas of her now fractured family. 

Kathleen answered on the second ring. “Hey mom, you okay?”

Lynne let out a small laugh. Kathleen was always prepared for the worst, planning for the best. 

“Yeah, sweetie. Just wanted to check in and see how you are doing. How’s the workload been?”

“It’s a hard time of year for so many students, especially those who are from other places and they can’t get home. I didn’t really think about that until lately – I am really lucky I can get home quickly if I need to.” Lynne was taken aback. She didn’t think Kathleen wanted to come home anymore. “I know I didn’t come home this year, and I realized a couple days ago that must have been really hard for you. I’m sorry.”

“Oh, yeah. I figured it was going to be too hard for you to be here without dad. And with everything going on with Jonas….”

“Good god, my brother is such an idiot. Have you talked to him? That baby is definitely not his. I think he wanted to hurt dad when he said the baby was his, but he didn’t even think about what it would do to you.”

Lynne had to sit down. Several of the narratives she’d been telling herself were a bit off base. 

“Wait, Jonas isn’t the father?”

“No, dad had been riding Jonas about going to trade school and they’d been arguing about it for days. Jonas told dad that he had to get a good paying job because Lacey was pregnant. The truth is, she’d dumped him months ago. Jonas is an ass.”

Lynne felt a waterfall of relief wash over her. 

“Kath, I have to ask. Why did you pick Ottawa for university? I mean U of T had so much to offer.”

“Well, they didn’t have any money to offer. I get a free ride here, and I have the chance to work in my field through volunteer work…wait, mom. Did you think I was trying to get away from you?”

Lynne did not respond. 

“Okay, I get it now. You haven’t asked to come here once since you dropped me off at Thanksgiving. I assumed you were busy at work, or something. Or that you didn’t want to spend time with me because dad was always dropping by. I didn’t want to bug you, because I know you’re going through a lot, but I’ve really missed seeing you.” Kathleen’s words were a balm to Lynne’s broken heart. Yet, she also felt very stupid. She had written a whole story in her mind, finding all the evidence she needed to prove that her children wanted to abandon her, just like their dad. 

“Mom, say something.”

“I love you Kathleen. I have been really hurt and confused by what happened with your dad and I didn’t want to bother you or Jonas. But I realize I’ve been wallowing in a bath – maybe even a large pool - of self-pity. Listen, Sasha is coming over tomorrow afternoon, but other than that, I don’t have to work again until mid-January. I can come up to see you anytime.”

“I’d really like that – can we go to the Byward Market and make fun of all the pretentious people?”

“I’d like that. Maybe while I’m there, you could teach me about Facebook Marketplace. I need to start getting rid of some things.”

“Are you worried about money?”

“Kath, no. You don’t have to worry about me or money. Your dad was not a great husband, but he continues to be dependable for money. It’s all this stuff, stuff that was ours and not really mine. I know I need to start getting rid of things. It’s hard to explain, but all that your dad and I bought together, it just doesn’t….”

“Bring you joy? There’s a book for that!” Kathleen explained to her mother about a movement that was popular on social media to only keep things in your life that bring joy.

“That's a real airy-fairy methodology.”

Kathleen chuckled. “I have the book in my room, second shelf of the bookcase, I think about halfway down – it’s kind of bluey-green – it’s called something like The Magic of Cleaning Up.” Lynne rolled her eyes, glad she was not on video chat with her daughter. “No, I just looked it up, it’s actually The Life-changing Magic of Tidying Up.”

“That sounds a little cultish even for you, Kath.”

After another few minutes of chatting and making plans, Lynne hung up with Kathleen and immediately texted Jonas. 

Hey, I hear a rumour you’re nobody’s baby daddy.

The phone rang within moments. “Seriously – baby daddy. Who are you and what have you done with my mother?” Jonas sounded like his old self. 

Lynne had set the perfect tone for opening up to her son and they had as revealing a conversation as Lynne had shared with Kathleen. 

“I’m really sorry about scaring you. Dad is just such an…”

“Asshole?”

“Yeah, I guess you’d know best. Look, I know you have a thing about making resolutions, but how about we make a New Year’s pact instead?” 

“Sounds like a plan, Stan.” Lynne invoked some of her old momisms to keep the moment light. 

“Seriously, you are too much. Let’s make a pact to be in touch. Remember when I was little, and you used to ask me every day what was the best part of my day and what was the worst? I’d like to do that with you sometimes still – you can text me anytime. I might not answer right away - which doesn’t mean I’m dead.” They laughed and agreed to the new plan.

As Lynne hung up the phone, she caught sight of herself in the mirror. A middle-aged woman looked back at her. When did that happen?

Lynne walked down the darkened hallway, knowing, even without seeing, exactly where a dip in the hardwood would be. She laughed at the memory of how Jonas had set up a skateboard ramp in the hall the first time he was home alone. It did not end well for his right arm or the hardwood. 

As she entered Kathleen’s bedroom, determined to find the book that would help her find joy, she felt a sense of calm. Her daughter was a minimalist to a fault. Her room had only the bare necessities: a bedroom with a simple comforter, a desk with a basic chair, and a closet with a small number of clothes. Even when Kathleen lived at home, there were only a couple dozen hangers in the closet. She was frugal and not interested in the trappings of consumerism. 

Lynne found the ‘magical’ book exactly where her daughter had said it would be. She sank down on to the bed and flipped on the bedside light. After thirty minutes of reading, Lynne understood the premise of the book and became incredibly excited at the prospect of clearing her past clutter to make way for her future. She sprang from the bed and headed down the hall toward her bedroom but was stopped at the sight of Jonas’ bedroom. 

“Oh buddy, we’ve got some work to do here!” The room was the complete opposite of his sisters; Jonas could never part with anything. Lynne closed the door gently. “That’s for another day.”

Lynne realized she was talking out loud to herself. Previously it might have been cause for concern, but something was shifting deep inside her. As she entered her bedroom, she reached for the light switch with a slight twinge of anxiety. This room had been her sanctuary with Martin, and it still caused visceral emotional reactions whenever she entered. Flipping the light switch, Lynne was almost startled to hear herself exclaim, “Does this room bring me joy?”

            When Sasha arrived the next afternoon, she was immediately pulled into a warm embrace by Lynne. Looking over her hostess’ shoulder, Sasha was shocked at what she saw in the living room. 

            “What the…what is going on here?” The room was overflowing with piles of clothes and items. 

            “I’m finding my bliss!”

            The two women moved to the kitchen and sat down to wine and snacks. The time flew by in their discussions of all that Lynne had accomplished in the previous 24 hours. They cleared the table and worked through a vision board, and Lynne did not roll her eyes, or at least not within her friend’s view. 

            As Sasha prepared to leave, Lynne felt a well of tears push past her resolve and roll down her cheeks. 

            “Hey, what’s with the tears? You’re doing great.” Sasha held Lynne in a firm embrace. 

            “Yeah, I know. I’ve just realized I wasted a lot of time resolving to not do something new and different each year. But this is very definitely, exactly, PRECISELY what I need to do with my life. Resolve to change. Resolve to take risks. Resolve to move forward.”

            After Sasha left and safely navigated the icy driveway with her tiny, practical car, Lynne walked past the piles of clothes, turning out lights, effectively putting her house and her former life to sleep. She ascended the stairs to her bedroom.

Earlier, Sasha had convinced Lynne to text Martin. The text was simple and straightforward: Come by tomorrow. I have put together two boxes of items you may want to keep. They are in the hallway outside the bathroom. Anything not picked up will be sold or donated. 

Thinking back on that text, she felt conflicted. Her vision board had been forward thinking and Martin was not part of the future she had mapped out. But there was still a part of her that was sad for all she lost when her marriage ended. And there was a part of her that was really, really angry; she still wanted revenge. 

Not much of a forward way of thinking. 

Lynne grabbed a towel from the linen cupboard and candles from her bedside and headed into the bathroom to set up a self-care ritual mandated by Sasha: a soak in the tub. She held out softly scented bath beads, feeling the caress of the water scooping the beads from her hand. She poured herself a large, cool glass of water and placed a book on a ledge nearby.  Trying to push away her anger, she stepped into the bath, overflowing with bubbles and surrounded by candlelight. 

As she sunk down into the warmth, an unexpected but intriguing thought crept into her mind: it would serve Martin right if he found me dead in this tub tomorrow. 

The past pulled Lynne under and her future was resolved. She allowed her body to become fully immersed.