The Serpant, the Bull, and the People

Jan 25 2020

My therapist suggested I journal, to help cope with this existential Crisis I seem to be having so...

I might as well try. I want happiness.

Who honestly doesn't, really. Idealistically we all do,

But what defined happiness isn’t a universal term.

It’s a case to case kind of thing.

I’m jealous of and over any person getting more 

attention than me, especially when I feel like I need it the most.

Certainly right now, I’ve lost so much,

I am so damn empty.

I am God damn lost.

And there’s nothing I can do about it.

I am almost positive I’ve been unhappy 

since I was incubating in my mother's womb

Nothing is going to change that.

I was born to be miserable.

Right? Isn't that the artist curse? Be completely miserable.

Through this pain comes something for others to enjoy?

Basic sense of self, and losing it are defining things that can happen to pretty much anyone.

Funny, how that works. No one is safe, or inherently special in that right.

As much as some people would like to assume they are.

We’re all no different from one another.

Ironic, that in this day in age there are still so many people,

Walking around here like the world and the humans therein, 

Owe them something, for literally no reason. 

I get extremely excited to hear about others having this

“Shocking” realization that brings them back down to Earth.

Even more than that, I get so much pleasure in witnessing it first hand.

For someone boasting their “higher status” to get knocked straight

Off their high horse and on to their asses.

Now, I wouldn’t say that I’m a sadistic person, so to speak.

However there are so few joys in this bleak world,

I’ll take any small enjoyment I possibly can at this point.

In creative outlets, such as writing, when one is able to fully 

Express everything they either can’t, won’t or are too afraid

To admit to anyone out loud, including oneself.

I’m not exactly a private person, but there are limits to things

That I’m able to verbally convey in the right manner.

I get tongue tied, I get nervous, I constantly lose my train of thought.

Everything is always so jumbled that writing is my only real

Means of self expression at this point.

The irony of that, is oftentimes when I sit down and attempt to 

Release the thoughts from my head, I completely blank and forget 

Where I was going with it in the first place.

I had so many things that I wanted to say, but now I’m pretty much 

Just typing to type and see what comes out.

Everyone is selfish, myself included. 

I don’t personally believe anyone does anything selflessly.

Whether it be for personal, financial, emotional, or self-fulfilling gain.

People who go on mission trips and feel the need to tell everyone

about it, are doing it to gain the admiration of their peers,

The ones who do it silently, are doing it to make themselves feel better.

This world is an extreme disappointment and I completely agree 

with the way Thanos wanted to handle it. I believe that is the 

only truly fair way, as we can’t properly judge one another,

let alone ourselves.

That being said, I do believe there is some good in this world.

Animals for instance, are pretty much the universes only saving grace.

They just live, they just are. They’re just going on instinct.

When a dog bites, people blame the dog and put it down.

Who the hell do humans think they are, to control the natural 

Basic, genetic response of an animal who feels threatened?

People are vile and self serving.

They have zero respect of the world, others, and the beings whom 

Were here LONG before they were.

It’s funny, in the sense that it isn’t funny at all,

How entitled humans are, and for exactly no reason whatsoever.

I don’t think I’ll ever truly understand why this is just the

General consensus today, or comprehend how it all began.

Whom the first overconfident jerkwad it was, that decided all of this.

How the status quo came to be, when and why the hierarchy was established,

And exactly why everyone else was just like “Alright, I guess.”

I just find it all so ridiculous, on many levels and as a general whole.

It enrages me to think about it, but it is honestly one of my more

Invasive, consistent, and pressing thoughts I can’t ever shake.

The need to learn and understand has always been my goal and it honestly

Will probably be for the rest of my life.

I personally believe that  if you are not seeking knowledge and understanding, 

You’re stagnant and may as well already be considered dead.

Honestly, no wonder people kill themselves in such rapid succession,

What’s even the point in living in a world where one person can not

(contrary to popular belief-) actually make a difference any more.

There is literally no way, I guess people have lost the mentality that is does,

In fact, take a village. No one is working towards the greater good any more.

It’s so upsetting to come to this realization, that has always been so obvious

From the very beginning.

It’s humbling to notice that everyone is basically an asshole.

In a small, very small way, it’s sort of comforting, I suppose.

Less unexpected variables or some shit like that.

Once you come to terms with that facts, 

you start to feel less connected to situations,

To all of the petty lies and bullshit of day to day life.

It does, in fact, hurt less to be aware of what's most likely to occur,

In lieu of being blindsided by the crazy things this world has in store.

All due to the people who inhabit it.

It’s not like me or anyone else is without blame, for we all are in the long run.

The destruction of all things good and true, was absolutely a collective effort.

So placing individual blame is honestly, completely impossible and utterly useless.

We are all at fault, and I don’t see any viable change in the future.

Unfortunate as that may be, people are still out here, trying to, quote

“Live their best lives” when in reality that simply isn’t possible at this point.

Everything is already so corrupt and convoluted, passed the point of no return

And definitely beyond repair any more. We may have had a chance a long,

Long time ago but I fear that time is over and gone now.

I genuinely don’t see a point in trying anymore if no one else is.

Which makes me a part of the problem, but unlike most

 I’m actually prepared to admit that. I’m just as much to blame.

Other than the fact that I feel like I’m the only one who sees this,

I’m no different than anyone else. We’re all so basic.

Three pages into this new shit, and I think that’s a record of how quickly

I’m able to become completely pessimistic about everything.

Though honestly, what is there to be hopeful for in this day and age?

I wonder, often, what it is that keeps other people going, 

In some blind attempt at making any significant difference 

In their own lives and those around them.

It’s clearly not for the betterment of society and it drives me up the wall, 

To be unable to understand the things that drive people beyond

Their base, selfish instincts. The human race is not only a stain, 

But a disease that has mutated and spread to every corner of the world.

I’m almost positive that’s why there’s some new epidemic or virus 

every other week that is trying to kill us.

It’s the world trying to purge us, we are far too many,

Much too destructive, and much too stupid to survive and yet, here we are.

Not exactly thriving, but we have no natural predators aside from 

Mother nature herself. The human race is no more than big

Love bugs who walk instead of flying, straight into cars.

If there were any answer i could give you as to how and why this world 

Works the way it does, it wouldn’t be special. It would just be a big, dumb food processor.

All we can do, is embrace the pandemonium and in all this craziness,

Find something that keeps you going, and when you do, when you finally end up

Figuring out whatever it is you feel like you’re meant to be doing,

For whatever (most likely selfish) reason, i can without a doubt, 

Tell you that you’ll literally never be satisfied.

You will always want more, no matter what you do, who you are,

Where you go, you will never be satiated.

Even if it’s special in it’s own right and makes you happy for a time, 

Everything is fleeting so I suppose to survive we all must find

Some semblance of comfort in the here and now.

I suppose, even the temporary things matter, in some way or another.

It’s all very relative and has meaning in it’s own right.

Who are we to determine what is supposed to make someone else’s 

Life worth living? Human nature is a messed up mess.

Constantly comparing ourselves to each other, trying to one up everyone.

It’s all so damn petty, but hey, whatever keeps you going, right?

I wish everything wasn’t so conconveluded and wrong with humanity.

Though, that’s just the way it is, right?

It’s all only temporary and yet everything always feels so be all end all.

When in reality, nothing is ever really that important.

Not in the grand scheme of things, anyway considering.

I mean, like I said earlier, our only natural predator is the earth itself.

When it gets sick of a civilization, it destroys it.

Be it by disease, famine, natural disaster or even just our own stupidity.

Take pompeii for example, who the hell thought it was a grand idea,

To build an entire civilization directly under an active volcano?

Natural disaster and human stupidity really took the guesswork out of that one.

Anyone who actually feels bad about what happened there is probably 

Just as stupid as they were.

How people can walk around is such a cloud of ignorance is absolutely

And completely beyond me, I mean honestly.

I’m sincerely baffled by it and I will probably never truly understand 

What exactly that feels like, nor am I so inclined.

I just really want to understand how they can live with themselves 

And have honestly survived this long.

It’s too entirely perplexing, It truly is one of the natural wonders of the world.

I'm certain I'll never get the answers I'm searching for.