Papa and His Little Angel

Lily, my little angel

Lily, my little angel

Lily, my little angel

My little angel, girl

How do you do?

I'm very glad to see you

and shake you.

I'm very glad to see you.

Ta la la ta la la la

Ta la la ta la la la

Ta la la ta la la

My memories of Papa are of him singing the song to me while I play in the tub, splashing soapy lukewarm water over the rim to the marble floor. Papa used to sing it to me when he tucked me into bed and after he read me a bedtime story about far away kingdoms, brave knights slaying the mythical dragons and beautiful princesses. 

Our routine changed when I turned eight; no more bedtime stories or bath times but Papa would still sing to me, sometimes unconsciously, when he was driving one his shiny cars or washing my clothes in our backyard. He always insisted on washing my clothes himself and ironing them so they were crisp, even though we had lots of house helps in our big house. I was the neatest pupil in my class.

 Papa would wake me up before the sun rays kissed the horizon so we could pray and meditate on the holy scriptures. We would eat breakfast on the large glass table adorned with ornate vases and live flowers in our dining room while wearing our silk pajamas then I would take a bath and he would drop me at school. 

The children in the neighbourhood would chase after our car as we drove down the dirt path that led to my community primary school. Papa would stop the car, come out and give out biscuits and juices to the pupils for them to eat during break then he would cram as many of them as would fit into the backseat and we would continue the drive to school. Papa did the same thing, giving snacks and wrapped presents out last Christmas but he was dressed as Father Christmas and made me wear a ridiculous elf costume.

I wasn't very happy with Papa giving out our money to those dirty children, I didn't want any of them to share the front seat with me because they had terrible body odour and their uniforms were never washed.

At school, all the pupils love Papa, they usually tell me how lucky I am to have such a nice man for a father in whispers during our lessons and most times during break on the playground. 

The teachers loved Papa too, especially the females ones, did I know that my Papa gave them money when their salaries were delayed? Did I know that my Papa made donations in every PTA meeting? Did I know that the swings and desks were bought by my Papa?

Papa never told me of his donations and I never mentioned them to him, they remained unspoken between us. 

Some teachers wanted to know if my Papa would remarry soon. Don't I want the love of a Mama?

I would reply that my Papa's love was enough and my Papa employed a Nanny for me so she was like my Mama, the teachers would shake their heads and looked at me with pity etched on their faces.

Not everyone loved Papa though, some people said he was proud and did not really like the poor like he pretended to, they said our walls were too high. 

I asked Papa why our walls were so high one Tuesday evening over our dinner of garri and groundnut soup with huge chunks of beef in it and dried pawpaw slices. 

"It is for privacy, Lily. It forces people to mind their business." 

Papa told me of when Mama died just months after my birth, his relatives were pressuring him to marry a new wife.

"Will you be the one to breastfeed her?" They asked him.

"What if the new wife isn't nursing?" He asked them then showed them out. Weeks later, he built the wall that hid our house from view. 

He told me that he loved me from the day I was born because I shared his broad forehead and small nose, he knew that a new wife would come in between us.

"What if I came out looking like Mama?" I asked him.

He touched my cheek. "I would have loved you the same."

On my thirteenth birthday, Papa threw the gates wide open and invited the whole village. There was a live band playing afrobeat songs and a buffet with lots of scrumptious food. Papa hired chefs from the big city to cook the food. A giant marque was set up in front of the fountain and there were lots of pretty lights.

Papa got a sequin flare dress made for me and I was allowed to use make-up for the first time, Nanny painted my eyelids a glittery ivory to match with my dress. My hair was adorned with sequin bows of different colours clipped into my curly puffs.

I did not enjoy the party, the music was too loud, the people were too much and I did not like strangers talking to me or touching me. 

Exhausted, I left the party and climbed up the spiral staircase to Papa's study. I wanted a quiet party with Papa, Nanny and I not a commotion but Papa thought otherwise.

I turned the door knob, the heavy door squeaked as I pushed it open. Papa's large form was hunched over a glass bottle of urine coloured liquid, he held a glass up, threw his head back and consumed all the contents of the glass in a flash. 

Opposite him sat a willowy woman with fair skin wearing a silk nightdress. She held his hand and said something to him I couldn't hear. Lanterns on his desk casted long shadows of both of them on the tall walls of his vast study.

I was surprised to see Papa and Nanny together in such a setting and I was even more surprised that they had not noticed me. I closed the door and headed to my room to sleep.

The next day, I woke up when the sun was high in the sky. Papa hadn't come to wake me up as usual. I rushed to brush my teeth and take my bath. When I got to the dinning table, my breakfast was ready, bread and a jug of tea but Papa and Nanny were nowhere to be found. I ate breakfast alone for the first time in a long time.

After breakfast, I went to Papa's study, the odour of alcohol and something else I did not know filled the air. Papa was on the floor, unmoving. I ran to him and shook him, his breath smelt foul and his skin was clammy.

"Papa, wake up! It is time for school!"

He coughed, I heard the thick phlegm in his throat, he blinked his red eyes and gave me a weak smile. "I'm sorry, Lily. I can't take you to school today, Caleb will."

Caleb was the driver Papa employed for times he did not want to be behind the wheel.

"No, I want you to take me to school." I remember sobbing and shaking Papa.

He grunted. "Go or you will be late for school."

"Stop this, Papa! Get up now and drive me to school!"

"Are you deaf, Lily?" Papa barked. I was startled, Papa rarely raised his voice at me. "Didn't you hear me?"

Nanny's soft hands pulled me away from Papa, unlike him, she was wide awake and dressed in a modest gown. "Come Lily, your Papa is very ill."

Papa's illness became worst from that day but he seemed physically fine. Sometimes, he would become withdrawn and stay in his room for days and other times he would reappear and we would go out on rides and converse like equals.

Over two years, our mansion lost it's splendor; the flower hedges overgrew because Papa sacked the gardeners, the cleaners were fired and I had to sweep the large floors and expensive oriental rugs in all the twelve rooms of the house. Nanny cooked the meals and stay with Papa when he relapsed.

Nanny told me, in hushed tones when we were cooking dinner of vegetable soup, that Papa's business had failed. He lost a lot of money, millions of naira, that's why he was different.

A week later, when I turned fifteen, Papa called me to his study. His hair was in tangles and I could notice grey hair mixed up in his auburn mop. He looked tired, his eyes were bleary and the corners of his lips had lines. 

"I called you here because I have very important news for you." He linked his fingers together on the table.

"What's that, Papa?"

He coughed and spat into his handkerchief. "I think you would fare better if you were at a boarding school."

"Boarding school?" I'd never been away from home or Papa, I didn't understand why he would want me away from him.

"Have I done something wrong?" I felt hot tears burn their way down my cheeks. "I want to be here with you."

"Me too, Lily but I've realized that I want you to live, really live not waste here with me." He sounded really sad. "You will like your new school, it is in Jos."

I didn't say a word and left his study with a heavy heart. 

The next day I woke up early before the sun rose and said my morning prayers. When I was done with my chores, Nanny still hadn't woken up from sleep so I made breakfast of fried yam and egg sauce.

Nanny came downstairs with Papa at her heels. Her eyes were red and puffy, Papa looked anywhere but at me.

"We have something to tell you." 

I knew it wasn't something good once the words left Papa's lips, those words shattered my life. "Your Nanny is pregnant."

I don't remember how I spent the weeks until my departure to the Catholic girls' boarding school but I know that I was angry at Papa, he said your Nanny is pregnant not I got your Nanny pregnant or we are expecting a baby as if it was only Nanny's doing. 

Nanny and I did not talk much until the night before I left. After helping me to pack, she held me to herself and wept on my shoulder. She told me she would miss me and asked for my forgiveness. I couldn't form words to reply her. 

Our uniform at Our Lady Of Lourdes Girls' College was a dreadful grey dress with sleeves and we had to cut our hair really short. We said our prayers at the appropriate times everyday and attended mass three times a week. 

I made friends with my bunkmate - Sarai, a thin, tall girl with a shaved head. We swapped our meals sometimes, on Thursdays she gave me her jollof rice because she did not like it and I gave her my egusi soup on Sundays because it was never cooked properly.

Papa and I exchanged short letters. At the beginning of third term, I sent Papa a letter.

My dearest father, 

How are you? I forgive you for getting Nanny pregnant. I understand that you must have been lonely. I cannot wait to see you when I come for holidays. 

How's Nanny and the baby? (I am guessing Nanny has given birth). Is it a boy or a girl?

School is very hard, I wasn't expecting it to be luxurious so I am not disappointed. I made a friend here, Sarai, she is quiet and very studious. My grades are good, you should be proud.

Greet Nanny for me and kiss the baby on my behalf.

                Your little angel,

                Lily.

His reply came a week later.

My only daughter,

I hope this letter finds you in good health. I am delighted to learn that you've forgiven me. I wasn't lonely because I had you, I made a mistake but I don't regret it. Nanny gave birth to a baby boy, he has our broad forehead, we named him Asher.

Your Nanny read the letter you sent, she sends her regards. I can't wait to see you. I am very proud of you, Lily.

Until we meet, my little angel.

                   Your father,

                    Papa.

I kept Papa's letter with me until school closed for the holidays. I hugged Sarai goodbye and we departed at the bus station where she boarded a bus for Lagos.

I was excited to see Papa seen I wasn't angry at him anymore. Papa was right, Asher looked very much like us and he loved to grab my fingers everytime I carried him. 

I helped take care of Asher when his mother went to get groceries from the market and I spent time with Papa listening to the radio in the evenings after dinner in his study. 

"I'm very surprised you and my Papa are together," I said to Nanny one hot afternoon after we came back from church. She was undressing and I was cradling Asher in my arms.

"Why is that?" Nanny asked.

"I don't know, I just thought you two wouldn't even consider each other."

Nanny laughed. "I hope you don't mind me being your stepmother."

I shook my head. Nanny took Asher from me and began to feed him, I watched him cling to his Mama's breast whilst sucking noisily.

A sigh escaped my lips. "I wish my Mama did not die."

Nanny bit her lower lip. "I want to tell you something, Lily. I believe you are old enough and have the right to know."

"What is it, Nanny?" I sat up straighter beside her on the bed. 

"I knew your Papa since I was your age," she took Asher to her other breast and continued in a low voice, "we lost our virginity to each other but we couldn't marry, your grandparents wanted a woman of class from your Papa."

My heart stopped beating, I stood up but she grabbed my wrist and pulled me down, her nipple slipped out of Asher's mouth and he began to wail. "Please hear me out, Lily." She looked desperate so I nodded my head.

"Your Papa and I never broke up. We saw each other when he could make the time. Your Mama found out and asked us to stop. Your Papa couldn't stay away from me, you have to understand that we were in love, you will understand when you fall in love. When your Mama discovered that we were still seeing each other, she took her life, she loved your Papa..."

She was still talking in her quiet voice but I wasn't listening, I was sobbing. For the first time in my life, I was heartbroken, I felt like my heart was ripped into a thousand little pieces. 

I was too hurt to cry. I locked myself in my room until the next day, Papa kept coming to plead with me to come out so we could talk. I refused to hear him out.

The second day, Papa broke my door open but waited at the doorway and asked a maid to bring me water in a jug. I drank all the water and asked them to leave before vomiting on the floor.

At dusk, I walked down the spiral staircase gripping tightly to the railings so I won't fall. Papa watched me with his lips in a thin line.

"Thank God you have decided to come out," he said, "your stepmother went to her Uncle's, she will return soon." 

Moments later when I was lying on the cold marble floor, I heard Nanny's voice and Asher's crying. I fell asleep and when I woke up, the whole house was bathed in darkness. I walked to the pantry and carried the twenty litre can of kerosene and a box of matchsticks. 

I worked fast and without thought. Soon, I had covered all the rooms and corridors downstairs. Standing on the landing of the spiral staircase, I lit several matchsticks and threw them down. The rugs and furniture caught on fire, burning aggressively and sending black smoke to the ceilings and chandeliers. 

I remember crying silent tears, tasting them as they flowed into my mouth. The fire grew fast, I was choking on smoke and coughing very hard.

I heard a loud shrill shriek, the voice belonged to the maid. I began to sweat, I couldn't see at all, the roaring of the flames was the only thing I could hear as I sat on the landing suffocating to my death. 

What seemed like years after, I wasn't sure if I was alive, I could still hear the fire and feel the heat but I was surprised that I wasn't burnt yet. I think I heard Papa's voice screaming and shouting something, maybe I was hallucinating then I heard thumping on the stairs and a wet blanket was wrapped around my shoulders and head.

"Lily." It was Papa, he sounded scared and frantic. I couldn't move, I wanted to tell him how sorry I was but I could barely open my parched mouth.

Papa lifted me and carried me up the stairs. He said the fire was growing larger and that Nanny and Asher were safe. I think I began to cry because Papa asked me to stop and he started to sing me the song from my childhood.

We got to his study, the window was open, I could see a crowd outside. Then suddenly, I was crashing down. Papa fell with a thud and hit his head against his strong desk, he laid there unmoving with a pool around his head.

Somehow, our rescuers pried me from Papa's body and we buried him before I left for school. Papa had saved me, his little angel.