A Stranger's Backstory

At the last bench in a public park, it's my zone. 

Lonely, and gloomy clouds were always up there hanging. I always come there to complete a very important task, cry till I satisfied. 

I know that I am not a kid anymore, I am twelve. I had to stay strong, I don't had to cry but, those tears were rolling down against my will a-and I just can't stop them. They were stubborn like me. 

As quickly as I hit that place they stared flowing. And the worst part is, I don't know how to stop them. 

I am doing the same work everyday. Wake up, attend my school, come that park, cry and then leave. 

But today is a bit different, while I am sobbing, I heard a voice.

"Did something happen kid, here take that napkin."

And when I looked up it's a middle aged person about 30 or 35, offering me a handkerchief.  

I looked him head to toe and yes, he was an middle aged person, with a quite good sense of clothing. But, his expressions were quite calm and comforting. But, after looking him for a while, I again covered my face and ignored his offer. 

Under my arm I am only thinking, did he saw my puffed eyes. 

Oh! no, I don't want to face someone or talk, I came there to cry so, please let me do it.

I just wanted him to leave me as he leave a pebble on a street. 

But I think, like everyday, it is an another hapless day of mine. He sit besides me on a same last bench where I am doing an important daily work. And he asked again,

"Hey kid, are you crying?"

I am very frustrated about my situation and I tell him,

"No, I am not crying.

T-The-There something in my eyes. I am not...." 

and then because I tell that, I am not shading tears I recognize all events which were happened with me today and then I started sobbing again.

That person asked me again,

"Did, 'something' still hurting your eyes."

And I said yes, in my reply.

I know it clearly that I am crying and that middle aged person making fun of me. But I can't do anything.

I wanted him to leave that park as soon as he can, but what I am gonna tell him, leave that place 'cause I am crying like a baby and not willing to show my tears to a stranger. 

 No, I can't tell him. He'll making fun of me again. Oh! It's so annoying.

After a while when I looked up in hope that he maybe left. But he stills there watching me. It pissed me off and I tell very rudely, 

"if you are willing to stay at that park don't stare at me like that."

But that person keep viewing me and he tells, 

"did your family did something that, hurts your feelings."

I am shocked, how did he know that.

And again he read my face. He tells,

"You, sure were thinking how I know that." 

I nodded my head as an answer and he said, 

" 'cause I came from future, to help you."

I shouted, WHAT and he chuckled and tell me,

Naah! just kidding. I am a psychiatrist. And I am pretty good in reading people's faces, before they know. 

And your swallow eyes clearly shows that you are facing hard time. Is am I right kid? 

And if you want someone to listen your worries I am there."

His words were comforting but they sounds annoying. 

But, I can't denies the fact that he's a really nice person who worried for a kid like me. 

If there someone else in my position maybe he already spill the bean, in front of his flattering words, but I don't want to. 

'cause a boy's pride shed into pieces when he took someone else's help. No, I can't ask for his help.

So, after a big sigh I thanked him for caring about me and I also clear that, 

"I don't want to share anything to him. It's against my rules." 

After that answer he's thinking something. So, I covered my eyes again, I heard someone's footsteps maybe he leaves and after a while, when I opened my eyes to confirm, he's not there. Maybe he went out of that park. 

It's not his fault, anyone who is in his place would do that. After all, who wa-wanted to..... handle a .....child like me. And I again can't control my tears. They were very stubborn, they only need a reason to flow down. 

I already order them to stop flowing, but I am failed in that simple task too. "I am really useless."

"Useless? who tells you that you are useless?"

A bit familiar voice comes in front of me. I looked up and it was him. An old men from future. He went out of the park to get something to drink. He give me a soda can and again asked the same question. "Who calls you useless."

And as usual, to show myself strong, I replied foolishly, "nothing, no one tells me that, I am cursing myself." I know that it's a stupid reply but I did it because a man had to learn to fight alone.

He looked me and smiled softly towards me. His smile was relly nice, anyone...... never smiles for me like that, it calms my all anxieties and for a while I was thinking to spit out my worries in front of him but I can't. 'cause a men never cry or speak out there worries.

I am drinking that soda and thinking deeply about my situation. I forget that stranger still sets his eyes on me. And he commented,

"Kid, you know that you are making a really sad face. And it reminded me of Andy."

"Andy? Who is he?"

"Oh! He's my dog. Whenever I took his toys he makes that kind of face."

"Hey! You are comparing me with your dog?"

"No kid! There is no comparison between you and Andy.

After all he's cute and obedient."

"Mr. I can't understand your words."

"Well, I am simply asking you, did anyone took your toys or hurt you or anything else. I already tells you I am willing to help you out. Just trust me, maybe somehow you may get out of that circumstances."

I fell, I want to complain about my life to him but words weren't come out. And what if he advised me the same as dad? 

"A boy don't need to cry over small things like that." 

Or what if he again makes fun of me.

And maybe I spit it out louder then I expect. I don't have any words to cover up for them. So, I leave those words as they are.

I looked him up, his silent face. And I realize his calm face covered with serious and painful lines. It's look like it's hard for him to talk, but then he again smiles towards me and tell,

"You know kid, the sentence you just speak out it reminds me my father."

And I say without thinking,

"So, your father also, lectured you to be a good boy?"

He sigh and replied,

"Well, yes. From the very start, he always tells me, a boy shouldn't cry 'cause boys were strong. 

A boy never need help, 

'cause it proves that you are a weak person. 

A boy should had to act cool, 

'cause if they act tender towards anyone, people may think you are weak. 

A boy choose to love any colour, except pink 

'cause it's a feminine colour and made for girl. 

And many more like them.

But, look at me today totally opposite of what he teaches me."

I am confused right now, that how he's different, yes he wear pink but I really don't get it. So, I asked,

"Mr. How you are different?"

I realised that his, nervous face has grow a smirk on it and the words come out were, 

"Kid, I tell you my story but, promise me you can't divulge my secrets. And please stop crying like that, it's painful to view a kid cry."

I laugh in those conditions but I replied positively that time and I also, promise that I can't cry anymore. 

And he started his story.

"As I tell you kiddo, my father always lecturing me about how to be a good man. Some were really nice words which I mean it till that day but some sentences were very hard to understand, and sounds like rubbish. 

You know kid, when I am thirteen I liked pink colour very much, but my father never let me wear or get pink stuff and in answer he tells me that, it's a colour for girls. I don't have any choice except obeying his order. So, I am keep reminding myself that, "pink is for girls."

You know kid, I cry a lot in my childhood and everytime I cry my parents started scolding me, telling me boys never cry and even my mother supporters him."

"So, isn't that hard for you?"

"No, it's not hard for me, because it's happened with many boys. 

Some of my friends afraid to share there anxieties and some just afraid to tagged as a wimp. We wanted to share our problems, we wanted to cry but afraid from those sights who are staring us all the time.

Kid, it's not that hard to survive until I hit my puberty. Because I discovered that, 

I-I-I am.... Gay. 

I wanted to like women but I failed and grown my interest in men.

I can't tell my family that I am a gay, 'cause, I am afraid to see there reactions. I thought maybe if I distanced my way with my male friend and get a girlfriend could fix it, but I can't change the destiny. 

And the result was, I become a gloomy cloud of my school. Don't talk with anyone and be in myself. My friends didn't understand what happened to me and I can't tell my worries to them either. My fears tied myself inside me. I can't explain how much depressed I felt that time."

"So, if you are that stressed about your life how did you overcome your fears?"

"Well, it's hard for me but an old friend of mine help me out. He and I were in same boat. 

We share our problems and helped each other. It's not easy for both of us to accept our genders or talk about it but, look at me now.

Kid, to overcome my fears, and to accept myself I wasted my life's precious years. And I regrate it a lot. 

The worries of, what if I can't become an idol man and the fear to let down everyone's expectations killing me every moment.

But thanks to that friend, I overcome my life's trauma. I am glad that I had such a great friend like him. If he isn't there maybe I choose a wrong path."

After he completed his story I couldn't stop myself thinking what if I ended up like him. A gloomy cloud forever. I had to face my fears. I had to deal with them by my own. I don't have an old friend like him. I am very deep in my thought that I can't hear that person's voice.

"Kid, it sure a boring and disgusting story but I wanted you to take a lesson from it. I wasted my life, worrying about everyone. I can't love myself and......I don't want you to end up like me. 

Maybe 'cause you reminded me, of myself."

I can't be able to think straight. My heart need to cry and I want to tell him every worry and I did something which anyone could do who face the same circumstances as me. I spit everything out,

"I came that place everyday, to sit on that last bench at afternoon 'cause, I know that anyone can't come that place at that time. And after covering my eyes I cry till my all pain fades. 

I cry that place 'cause I don't want my family to worry about me. I felt bed 'cause I lied that I am playing at my friend's place. I can't share anything with dad 'cause I am afraid, that he may scold me again or punish me for lying. 

I always play cool in front of my friend. Many time I want to shed tears but I hold them, otherwise they call me a wimp or tagged me as a crybaby."

I am trying not to cry but I don't think that I hold them any longer. I looked that person and his eyes were glistened with tears. He's looking me like he could fell my pain. 

He control his tears to not flow and he again pasted him comforting smile on his lips. He patted my head and praised me as a strong child. Many people complimented me many times but his words felt different. They felt warm. 

And I can't control my body, it move by it's own and I hugged him. I also, thanked him for listing a stubborn child's worries. 

But as I said he's an old man. After I calm my emotions he lectured me, for lying to my family. He is annoying. 

And after a whole hour lecture he let me go. 

We come out of that park and went to two different directions. He see me off with a threat that I had to live a good life, otherwise I ended up like him. I went to the direction where my home is and when I turn back he already left.

A bit by bit I stared sharing my felling to my family and friends, I don't care about how they treat me or call me crybaby. I did it 'cause I don't want to spoil my life over some meaningless anxieties.

And I am no longer willing to become an idol man like dad. I mean, after hearing that person's story the conclusion I get is, 

Living your life under your conditions isn't that bad and it also gives you satisfaction.

So, from now on, I spend my journey as a free bird in that sky. After all I only had a one life and I wanted it to be the fullest.

And yes, my routine changed, I wake up, attended school and come that park with my friends and we talk about our worries, come back home and tell my family what happened today. And it worked out surprisingly amazing. 

I thanked that stranger many times already to save my life and I also wished to meet him some day again. 

I wanted to show him how much I grown up and I also like to tell him that I can't cry anymore and a little secret that forget to tell him that I also like pink.

I wish mr. Stranger we meet again.