My Window, His Window

It had been raining heavily before I stepped out. The kind of heavy that smacked against the pavement and streamed down the sidewalk and into the street. Only for the cars and taxis to splash the puddles everywhere and make a satisfying shhhhhhhh as it passed by the restaurant. He left a few minutes ago. I watched as he walked out and faded into the crowd of people moving along. Leaving me behind. Leaving a year and a half behind and acting like it was fine.

I always thought I was somewhat strong but sitting in the center of a fancy restaurant all be myself in front of everyone made me think otherwise. It felt like everyone was listening, staring at me as I look down at my fidgety hands. Couldn’t we have sat somewhere else. In the back where nobody would see? In the corner where it was quiet. No, he had to put us right here, on display for everyone to witness this disaster. We hadn’t even ordered our meals yet.

I felt uncontrollably shaky, weak. I may have just been dumped, but I wasn’t going to fall apart in public. I bit my lip, desperately fighting against the rogue wave of emotions that crashed into my heart. A sour taste seeped onto my tongue as blood formed in my mouth. I had to get out of here. I had to get away. The waiter approached the table and gently set down our water glasses.  

“Hello, are you ready to order your food yet?” He asked in his gentlemanly manner.  

“Actually, I think I'm going to go now,” I squeaked. The lump in my throat make it hard to talk. I swallowed to rid of the pain, but nothing happened. 

 “Is everything alright?” His brows scrunched together in concern, worried it was about his service.   

“Yeah. Everything’s fine. I’m just not feeling very well,” I said. He nodded, completely unaware of what happened.  

“I see. What about the man that was here?” He motioned to the empty chair across from me.  

“He went out to go get the car,” I lied.  

“Is there anything else you would like?”  

Jesus, what's with all the questions? Just leave. “No, That’s all.” 

“Alright then, have a good evening,” He bowed his head respectfully and moved toward another table. I sighed, relieved that the interrogation was finally over with the stranger and grabbed my coat to leave. A chill ran down my body as I adjusted to the change in temperature. It was sprinkling outside. The tiny drops kissed my face as I trudged down the saturated walkway in my heels. Everyone was still out despite the weather, so my hopes of getting any space were crushed. Noise was buzzing everywhere, from people talking to cars whizzing down the road.  

I suddenly felt even more lonely than before. Every person that wandered by, had someone. Everyone around me was happy. In a good mood. Laughing. The universe was mocking me. I wanted him here with me. His elbow linked in mine as we walked side by side down to the corner to cross the street.

It felt like I shed a layer of protection and I was exposed. Out in the open for anyone to just come and take me. Was it normal to feel like this? I wasn’t alone. I was surrounded by people. I wasn’t by myself. But they didn’t know me. They didn’t know what just happened. I may have looked fine, but a wall had broken inside of me and my happiness was draining from me. And no one knew. People could look just fine and smile, and nobody would know their life had just shattered into a million pieces.  

My legs and shoulders grew heavy, but I knew it was my heart that was weighing my down. For some strange, twisted reason, I didn’t want to go back to my apartment any time soon. I didn’t want to flop on the couch and stuff my face with ice cream as I watched the tv. I didn’t want to wear sweats and get messy hair. I didn’t want to lose control of myself yet.

I used to hate the rain. It made my outfits wet and would ruin my hair, but it felt different this time. I wasn’t worried about my hair, or my fancy dress, or my new heels. I wasn’t trying to look nice for anyone anymore. Nobody cared about me. The only problem that stuck with me now was crying in front of everyone. I was scared I’d do that. If I started, how long would it be until I was done?  

A stranger bumped into my shoulder, breaking my concentration to keep it all in. My voice rasped as tears worked their way into my eyes. I felt trembly all over again. Breathe. Deep breath. I repeated in my head, hoping my body would listen. A couple of people glanced my way as I attempted to regain my composure.

I needed to leave this place. There are too many people here. I strolled further and further away from the crowded city streets, following this endless path to wherever it would take me. Eventually, I was on my own again, the buildings were no longer towering over me but instead were shadowy trees and dull streetlamps.

My face felt numb. I didn’t know if it was the frigid air or the countless tries of telling myself not to break down in front of an audience. Across the park was a calm, quiet river with dark water. Reflections of the bright lights flashed in the black stream below.  A bench sat unoccupied, the view of the city going unwatched.

I sat and stared, gazing at the millions of windows in each building. It was kind of crazy how many there were. Every single window. Every. Single. One. Had a different story with a different person living it. My window was dark right now. It’s different now. Was his window bright right now? Was he at his place, happy I’m not in his life anymore? Was he with his friends, talking about how annoying I was? We’d spent a year and six months of our lives together. I was going to move in with him in his apartment. We were going to share a window. A story. My eyes began to sting, a warning of the oncoming tears. Instead of holding them in, I allowed the streams to run down my face.  

It didn’t matter anymore. There was nothing I could do anymore or would do to try and get him back and look desperate. And I wasn’t going to become that crazy girlfriend that he ends up hating. He left me, and maybe that’s a good thing. I may be lonely, but I can accept that. Being surrounded by millions of others, yet not having someone to call my own. That’s fine. He wasn’t meant to be in my life forever, only for a part of it.

A peaceful feeling fell upon me as I sat listening to the hushed trickling sounds of the water flowing over the rocks. Cool gusts of wind blew strands of my hair in every direction as I inhaled the crisp air. It made my heart ache as I replayed him leaving me behind in the restaurant, but I know it was meant to be. Did he have someone else already? I didn’t care. I simply stared out to the scenery as the time grew later and later. This is a new chapter of my life. One that I’m going to have to do alone. I won't have anyone else with me. But that’s something I'm okay with.