Made For Me

"I know but," I scoff, "Wouldn't that be weird?" I finally gave into the protective sealant that tightened my lips, pride. Down the rabbit hole I went, but not alone. Of course not, why would I when I can pleasantly drag my two friends down the spiraling stairwell with me. "I mean, imagine someone walking up to you, 'Hey! So yeah, just wanted to tell you I saw your mom banging my dad in the car. Funny you'd bring that up because now that I am this close to your face, come to think of it, we might be siblings because you do look like me, almost exactly like me. And correct me if I'm wrong, I think I saw you at this summer’s family reunion. Homies With The Chamberlains."

"Nope. Doesn't ring the slightest of bells." Kahana rudely alluding to what Kobi might say if he wasn't my brother in our ridiculous hypothetical.

"Oh no? That wasn't you?" I glared at Kahana with a fierce gaze in efforts to burn the eyebrows off her face. Her response deepened a sense of defeat that I was avoiding by never actualizing that outcome. It would hurt.

It was apparent that she was not understanding the solemnity of this situation. All I could think about is how my reputation could be on the line.

"You awoke the dormant beast that would have remained sleep, had my thoughts been kept clear. Whelp too late now. I already feel the rapids rising. Hopefully his response is more enthusiastic than that. If not, I would just die, I think."

"How embarrassing." Kahana said childishly. “It's not like you have a reputation to uphold." The sarcasm in her tone gently hinted to a lack of sympathy that was more present than a checking account the day after Christmas.

"In my world I do and said reputation speaks for itself. Said rep would also be no more if I was wrong in this very real life scenario." I huffed crossing my arms as an affirmation of my own belief as law. I held a slight glimmer of hope that my tiny but mighty squad would swallow the red pill I was delivering on an exquisite platter plated in white gold. Even my finest China of lies would dwindle in their doubts, though I would never confess how they may have irrefutable evidence that outweighs my truth. I am trying to write a new script but the confidence to do so exfiltrates faster than the air can sustain itself. My eyes dart to the furthest corner they could reach, successfully distancing myself from the horizons of their heartless judgements.

"Yeah but if you weren't wrong, then what?" Wayne suggested. Ah, the non comedic relief finally entered the chat. I was certain Wayne's grounded sensibility would oscillate the air oxygen was omitting due to the energy shift Kahana dismantles with her negativity. It is truly a gift she seems to have effortless control of. I close my eyes to draw in an intentional, slow, steady, breath. I sip in an invisible light thru a hole small as a swizzle stick. I then focus the beam to shoot straight into my hearts stratosphere and allow myself to truly feel the alternate possibility. An opposite outcome. The answer appeared. This new reality sank into the inflatable pit of my gut; rebounding at first. A wave of nausea taunted the grilled cheese I had for lunch. Once I acknowledged the new possibility's presence, it began to float up to a fragile space, a vulnerable opening.

I opened my mouth as another fear shared its insecurity, "If I weren't wrong, then it would shift my adoption story, my identity, and my sense of security. The world I built for myself would inevitably come tumbling down faster than Humpty could gulp his last breath. Dumpty he was. Dead he lay." "Is he?" Wayne asked. "He is." Kahana answered. "This is the importance of names, how could his parents be so reckless, they are simply the ones to blame for his death. There it all was, a mess, dumped on the ground in a puddle of remains. Mayan ruins, if you will. An ancient tale, history and his story indeed. The narrative just shifted because as always, with every story, count all sides. One side, two side. Red side, blue side. As always, there are three."

I watch them exchange a nervous glance but I could not turn off the the fountain that uncontrollably spewed on, "Here, I have one piece of the truth." I hold up the other hand, "And here, another one possibly standing before me everyday while I wait for my school lunch. Then there's the actual person who wrote this all out and I am dying to meet the author.....suicidal? Meh. No. Get real. It is not a foreshadow, my mental is far from gone" "He's doing it again." Kahana inspiringly declared. "I am not!" I protest. "I think you ARE, Jabari and it's actually kinda hot. I bet this is how the women felt about Shakespeare. Everyone else might find it weird but I like it when you get all poetic." Kahana teases fanning herself with a smirk on her face. "Ooo, that kinda rhymed. Your smarts may be rubbing off on me." She laughs.

I place my hand over my heart, breathing in for four, holding for five, and breathing out for seven. Resetting my nervous system. Repeat times three. I tend to send myself into frenzies. Without a doubt, I go into overdrive with the irrational overanalyzing of fears. Hence why I do not go there. This must be her attempt to cool the waters that I lose control of when I allow stress to flood the gates of my brain. Though I am freshly 17, I have accomplished quite a few things. High blood pressure, low self esteem, and acne telling me a story that I am trying to read. Sadly it is in braille and I am unilingual. I can speak metaphor but I found that to make the acne more defensive so I have learned to leave it alone as i do with all other things. Including feelings. ESPECIALLY feelings.

Clearly, there are several things wrong and anxiety is one constantly rearing his nasty head so I shove it back under a pillow where it belongs instead of talking to my crew. I am sure you can understand why. Right? Or is that the very uncomfortable crawl space in my head that feels like I am truly outgrowing. But while its still there, the pillow I got for anxiety is a very cute pillow that I custom designed with care so it can be comfy. Though I would not even know to what I should compare comfort to so maybe all this forced efforts on my end resulting in something that is ineffective. Just like this conversation, I concluded in my head.

Aloud I shared with my friends, "Simply ineffective. I am over it and trying to decide what to do. I think I will just, gather some background information on the guy, check out his Facebook, maybe his aol and go from there." I refute deciding my own fate and denouement knowing as a collective, we are going to draw zero conclusions. Afterall, we are 0 for 0 in that department. This feat would prove itself no different. Drawing is the last in their skillset anyway, I tangent in another internal monologue. This is the least artistic group of kids you will find on the southwest end of Estrella Vista.

"Yeah you need a therapist." Kahana snaps back into alignment with her true form; a wild banshee, while kicking a rock back into its pack. "And AOL? Seriously, my grandmother doesn't even use that, and she's long gone. As in dead. There ya go little buddy." She whispers to the rock. We all continue on our stroll. "So stalking him from a distance is better than holding a conversation with the man you see everyday? Got it. Can I just point out that your birthday just passed, and his just passed. It was on the same day. Another weird thing you have in common that you could talk about. Even if he isn't your brother, dude has to be your first cousin or something. Otherwise you can't tell me we're not on a TV set like the Truman show and that my mama ain't my mama." Wayne chuckles elbowing Kahana who joins in on his bickering. I couldn't hold it in anymore.

Release.

I laugh. These guys are the greatest crew anyone can ask for. I know I am suffocating sometimes and though I like to blame it on others, I know how much air I can take up. Something I love about these two is that they let me breathe. My heart lights up watching their eyes meet with such tenderness and care. I love witnessing the flames of joy that burst brighter upon eye contact. This is what life is all about. Good company, good conversation, and letting go. I laugh harder. "It wasn't that funny Bari." Wayne says concerned. Tears well in the corner of my eyes standing at attention waiting for release. 10 hut I say in my head, I summon them. As I motion them forward, they flow. "No, I know. Its just beautiful."

I say staring up in the ever blue sky thru crystalized water particles glossing my vision. "You guys are the best. Imma go home and paint now. I really gotta get this off my chest." "Yeah artist are some of the WEIRDEST people you can ever meet." Kahana delighted sharing a meek smile. Her eyes screamed I love you. I wanted to ask her, "Can you keep a secret?" But now wasn't the time. I quickly turn away and head home to express myself healthily and privately. It is embarrassing to feel bursts of passion and emotion like that and not have the audience to share the beauty with. I want to but I do not want to make it weird.

Then again, departing abruptly like that is weird too. Well, they're used to it, I justify. They been around going on year five now? I count on my fingers. Yes, actually it will be six years later next month. I love time. Time well spent. Time with them especially. In my core, I am still the same. Riddled with a little more trauma but that's why I paint. Healthy release. The way I learned. I cannot remain bottled. I am thankful for my community, my resources, and my coping skills. I remind myself every mantra I can to keep this vibration because once I pick up that brush, oh its over baby! I just hate entering thru that front door.