Chrysalis

“Ellis! Hurry up! We’re going to be late.”

“Okay, okay,” Ellis called. He pulled on a hoodie and crossed over to his bedroom door. Hand on the doorknob, he paused, turning back to face the mirror. His eyes followed a now-familiar route. Mapping out the stubble that spanned his cheeks and jaw, the narrow set of his eyes, the harsh slope of his shoulders. He turned slightly, head tilted to admire the way his clothes clung to his flat chest.

“Are you checking yourself out in the mirror again?” came the impatient voice from the hallway.

“Wh–no! I don’t–whatever, I’m coming.”

One last glance at his outfit - light blue hoodie over a white t-shirt, black cargo trousers, and black Vans featuring tiny skateboarding aliens - and he was making his way through his flat to the front door, affecting an air of nonchalance as Jed turned to scowl at him.

“Honestly, Ell, I don’t understand why–”

“Jed, come on.”

“No, you come on,” Jed huffed. “You know I hate being late. Especially for something as cool as the–”

“–the biggest collection of queer journals and memorabilia ever found that documents more of our community’s history than has ever been found before. I know, I know.”

“Don’t be a smartass.”

Ellis suppressed a smile as Jed frowned. “You’re cute when you’re trying to be scary.” He sauntered closer, pressing himself against Jed lightly. “Hi, gorgeous.”

Jed’s face softened as their eyes met. “You know it’s not fair when you do that.”

“Do what?”

“You know. This.” Jed motioned between them. “Seducing me.”

Ellis bit back a laugh. “I don’t think anyone our age uses the word ‘seduce’.”

“Well, maybe we should bring it back.”

“Excellent idea, my love.”

Jed stepped back an inch. “And while I would love to stay here all day being seduced by my ever-late boyfriend…”

“I’m not always late–”

“I would also love for us to get moving so we can get to the exhibition sometime before I turn old and grey.”

He took Ellis’ hand, leading him out through the front door before he could argue more.

“You know,” Ellis said, locking the door behind him, “I’m starting to think that giving you a key to my flat was a bad idea.”

“Wait until you see what it’s like living with me,” Jed grinned.

Ellis wrapped his arms around Jed, pressing a gentle kiss to his lips. “I look forward to it.”

Jed kissed him back for a moment, before taking his hand and steering Ellis to the bus stop. Their bus arrived promptly and they chose two seats at the top, London flashing past as they wove through the bustling city. It was still early in the day, and the sun glinted weakly in the winter sky. Christmas had come and gone, but decorations still remained. Lamp posts were strewn with half-lit angels and limp tinsel. The streets were littered with empty bottles and collapsed bunting; bygones from the previous night’s New Year’s celebrations.

“I’m so glad we got to spend Christmas together this year,” Ellis spoke softly.

Jed smiled, resting his hand on Ellis’ knee. “Me too, love.”

“Especially after last year, all that happened…”

Jed’s grip on his knee tightened, and he held Ellis’ chin as he gently turned his face towards his own. “Listen to me, Ell. Last year was a shitshow. We always knew it might be. But look at you now.” He let go of Ellis’ chin, stroking a line across his jaw with a gloved finger. “Living your life. Your truth. Not letting anyone tell you who you can be.”

Ellis gave a watery smile.

“You’re so fucking badass,” Jed said. “And you should be so proud of yourself.”

Ellis nodded once, worried that if he spoke, he’d burst into tears. Jed pecked him on the cheek, before launching into a tangential speech about the horrors of public transport and exactly why hadn’t they invented teleportation yet? Ellis smiled at his boyfriend, grateful for the distraction. Jed never pushed him to talk when he didn’t want to; but he always made it clear that he was there for Ellis whenever he needed him. Especially last Christmas. But Ellis refused to dwell on the past. He was here now, in a new city with the love of his life.

“...besides the obvious convenience, teleportation would be so much better for the environment – unless you’re using jet packs, which could present a problem – so I just don’t see why–oh, we’re here!” Jed sprung out of his seat, almost flying down the aisle in his haste. He reached for Ellis, practically dragging him down the stairs of the bus and onto the gum-ridden pavement.

Ellis gazed at Jed with unrestrained affection as he let the taller boy pull him towards the exhibition, hosted in a large building typically used for conventions and conferences. They presented their tickets to the attendant and were admitted for their time slot. The exhibition was set up in a small room off to the side of the main hall. A banner that read: ‘Love and Fear - And All That Was Queer’ stretched across the arched doorway. Long tables lined each wall, covered in notebooks, journals, letters, and all kinds of memorabilia. Black-and-white photographs taken in queer nightclubs, love letters that ached with desire and loss and grief, grainy videos shot on home video cameras. Jed didn’t know where to begin.

“How about we start with the old ‘safe sex’ leaflets?” Ellis suggested.

Jed raced over to the first table on their left, momentarily forgetting Ellis in his excitement. 

“Guess I’ll get us some drinks then,” Ellis chuckled. His eyes swept over the room, landing on a table in the corner laden with wine, juice, water, and biscuits.

The waiter smiled as Ellis approached the table. “What can I get for you, sir?”

Ellis’ cheeks flushed with joy at the gendered term. Would he ever get used to that?

“One red wine and one white, please.”

“Coming right up.”

Drinks in hand, Ellis left to find Jed. But he was stopped by a hand on his forearm.

“Joanne? Is that you?”

Ellis’ stomach plummeted as he stared into the confused eyes of his oldest cousin. He hadn’t seen Mark or anyone from his family for over a year. Not since last Christmas.

“Holy shit,” Mark breathed. “I mean, I know you said you were… that you were going to… you look so different.”

Ellis bristled. “Yeah, well. Maybe it wouldn’t be so much of a shock if you guys actually made the effort to see me.”

“Hey, now, that’s not fai–”

“Fuck fair,” Ellis spat. “You were the older one, Mark. The one who used to say he’d always protect me. His little cousin.” Ellis forced back the tears that had once again sprung to his eyes. “I guess that only applied when I fit into your expectations, huh?”

Now it was Mark who looked offended. “I never… look, it’s not like that. I just didn’t… we didn’t know how to… handle it.”

“You, of all people?” Ellis scoffed. “You’re gay, for god’s sake!”

“Yeah, but this, it’s…”

“What? Different? Scary? Whatever adjective you think applies to you, Mark, I can assure you that I’ve felt a whole lot fucking worse than you in this situation.”

“Ellis?” Jed suddenly materialised by his side. “Is everything okay?”

“Fine,” Ellis muttered, staring down at the glasses gripped in his hands.

Jed’s gaze flickered over to Mark. “Hello, Mark. I thought I smelled a rat.”

“Now, there’s no need for–”

“Oh, fuck off with the holier-than-thou act,” Jed seethed. “You don’t get to do that. You weren’t there for him. The entire family turned on him when he came out, and where were you? Huddled in the corner like a coward.”

“I didn’t know what to do. It was all so… everyone was so angry…”

“Whatever, Mark,” Ellis said, suddenly exhausted. “I can’t do this with you right now.”

Mark’s voice turned beseeching. “Joanne, please–”

“Don’t you fucking call him that.” Jed spoke quietly, but his tone was piercing.

Mark swallowed. “Joa–Ellis. Please. I fucked up. I panicked. I’m sorry.”

A taught silence stretched between them. Jed plucked his wine from Ellis’ hand and took a long sip, glaring at Mark the entire time. Ellis sucked in a shaky breath.

“Look, Mark. I believe that you’re sorry. I do.”

Relief washed over Mark’s face.

“But I don’t know if I trust you,” Ellis continued. “Last year… that was one of the most painful things I’ve ever experienced. And, let’s face it – I expected that sort of response from my parents. I mean, conservative Christians aren’t known for being the most accepting people.” He tried to smile, but it came out as more of a grimace. “But I really thought you would understand.”

“Well, at least he has the decency to look guilty,” Jed drawled.

Ellis silenced him with a swift elbow to the ribs. Jed hid his wince with another sip of wine.

“The last year has been one of the hardest and most amazing times of my life,” Ellis spoke with more vigour now. “Before coming out as trans, I didn’t know what my future would look like. Fuck, I didn’t even know if I would have a future. But now…” He reached out for Jed’s hand, smiling at his boyfriend’s handsome face. “Now, I’m so glad I stuck around to find out. But it wasn’t easy. All those things the family said, and you just… watched. Silent.”

Mark’s lip trembled. “Fuck. I know. I’m such a shit. Fuck. Ellis, I… what can I do?”

“Honestly? I’m not sure.”

“Yeah. Yeah, okay. I get it,” Mark mumbled, busying himself with his coat buttons.

“But that doesn’t mean we can’t try,” Ellis added.

Jed arched an eyebrow. “Are you sure about this?” he whispered in Ellis’ ear.

“No,” Ellis muttered. “But what else have I got to lose?”

“Fair point.” 

Mark shuffled his feet and clasped his hands together. “Well. I should go. Give you some space to think. It was nice to see you, Ellis. Jed.”

“Wait!” Ellis called before Mark could walk too far off. “Would you… do you still have my number?”

Mark nodded.

“Maybe you could text me sometime? We could chat?”

“I’d love that,” Mark smiled, his eyes lighting up for the first time since they’d begun speaking.

“Okay. Cool.”

“Cool.”

Jed watched as the two men did an awkward goodbye handshake, waiting until Mark left before throwing his arms around Ellis.

“Jed!” Ellis laughed, his giggles muffled by his boyfriend’s lips kissing every inch of his face.

“I’m so fucking proud of you,” Jed beamed. “My boyfriend, not taking shit from anyone. God, that was so hot.”

Ellis arched a brow. “Unlocked a new kink, have we?”

“You know it, babe,” Jed winked.

Ellis wrapped his boyfriend up in a fierce hug, kissing him deeply before planting a more gentle kiss on his nose. “I love you, Jed.”

“I love you too, Ell,” Jed exhaled, composing himself before straightening up with a gleam in his eyes. “Now, I don’t know about you, but I think we deserve a lot more wine after that.”

“Agreed.”

“Two more glasses, love of my life?” Jed said, holding his arm out for Ellis to take.

He led them back over to the drinks table before they resumed their viewing of the exhibition. Stories of gay and bisexual men, lesbians, transgender people, queer folk – all beautifully preserved, here. Ellis’ throat grew thick and he cleared it quietly. But Jed caught it, turning to ask Ellis what was wrong.

“It’s nothing.”

“Ell. Come on. Talk to me.”

“I’m just… I’m really happy.”

Jed smiled warmly. “Me, too.”

They spent the rest of their time hand-in-hand, pouring over the rich history laid out before them. And when it was time to leave, Ellis paused to look back over a specific photograph that had caught his eye. It was a polaroid, showing a group of transgender men sitting in what looked to be a secluded meadow. It must have been a warm day as they were only wearing jeans and sneakers. The sun’s rays caressed their bare chests, surgery scars dappled in the light; some faded, some fresh. The men were smiling as they chatted, cradling bottles of beer as they cooked sausages over a campfire. They looked so at ease. At peace. 

Ellis stared at the photo and hope flared in his chest. That hope grew as he looked over at Jed – wonderful, understanding, sarcastic, loving, funny Jed.

Ellis wasn’t naive. He knew the world wouldn’t make life easy for people like them.

But he wasn’t going to let that stop him. If anything, he was even more determined to live a happy life to spite the people who didn’t want them to exist.

“Ell? Ready to go?”

“Yeah, Jed.” Ellis took one last look at the smiling, shirtless men before joining his boyfriend in the foyer.

They walked out into the brisk afternoon, the sun now beating down on them despite the chill in the air. He gazed up into the blazing yellow sky. Was this how they had felt? The men in the photograph? He hoped it was. He hoped they felt content, and loved, and strong. Because he finally did. And they deserved to as well.