Born to love

   Days upon days I walked around the house. I listened to Jacob and never tried to post the house and it was starting to drive me mad. People can't live in isolation and come out alright. I always left like I can here people laughing or see shadows passing by. I was going crazy without contact with the outside world.

   I sat in the tub with the shower going and had my knees up to my chest. The water was running down my back and it gave me a since of calmness. Things felt more alright with the background noise and it drowned out my thoughts. I felt the most free when I'm with the water. I was scared to be around Jacob, I was scared he might hear me thinking less of him. I don't want him to hear those thoughts.

   He apologized for what he did to Panda. He even buried him in the backyard and stacked some rocks for a tombstone. He let me write down pandas name and write nice things about him like he was the most thoughtful kitty ever. I told him I forgave him but I don't. I tried to forgive him but I couldn't. I kept telling myself that we love each other but we don't. Well at least I don't.

   I got out of the bathtub and walked into the backyard. I grabbed the shovel that was left by the back door and walked to Panda's grave. I started digging him up. The dirt was becoming mud and sticking to my wet close since I didn't bother changing them. I kept digging till I hit the shoe box containing panda. I got on my knees and cleaned the box off a bit and then took it out of the dirt. I walked back into the house with panda in one hand and the shovel in the other. I shut the door behind me and set both Panda and the shovel down on the table.

   "Sorry to disturb you but I think you deserve a better resting place." I pat the box and then walked into the bedroom. I removed the wet and now muddy clothes and went to the bathroom to wash off some of the mud I had attracted. Once I was cleaned off I walked back into the room and grabbed and all black dress. Threw it on and let it hang loosely around my body, It also had a lacy skirt. I put on some black flats and walked into the living room and threw on a red coat. I walked back into the kitchen and grabbed panda along with the shovel. I grabbed the keys and the five bucks I never gave back to Jacob they layed by the door on the same table and opened the front door. I walked outside and shut the door behind me. I walked out to the car and set Panda down in the passenger seat and the shovel rested in the back seat.

   I turned the car on and drove out of the driveway and went down the road. I kept the radio of and headed for the park. The park was in the middle of town but it was better than the backyard. I kept driving and tried to ignore about what would happen if Jacob busted me. He told me he wasn't coming home for lunch today so I won't be seeing him till late tonight, I should have everything done by then.

Once I got to the park I grabbed the shovel and panda. I walked to a large oak tree and sat at the edge of the park and started digging. Panda loved to climb trees so it's only natural that he should have his final resting place under a tree. I kept digging until it was deep enough to have the box completely covered. I set the shoebox the still contained Panda and brought my fingers to your lips. I kisse them and then pressed them to the shoebox.

   "I love you buddy, rest easy." I started covering the box up with the dirt till it was filled. I then patted down the dirt and walked back to the car with the shovel. When I got to the car I threw the shovel into the backseat and started driving to an Ace hardware store. It was only a few blocks away from the park. Once I got there I parked the car and jumped out went in. I walked up to a worker and had help to get some rope. He helped make my stay there fast and simple. I walked out with the rope in the bag and I kept my head down looking at my feet. I felt someone gently touch my shoulder and a pair of shoes stepping in front of me. I looked up and saw Austin.

   "Hey I thought it might be you." He gave me that charming smile of his. I didn't smile back but I did pull him into a hug.

   "Thank you for always being kind." I whispered into his ear and he hugged me back. I could tell he was smiling again. He pulled away and held onto my shoulders.

   "Of course. Now Beth I must be honest. You look beautiful today. You always have. Come down to Hollywood video again soon I've missed your company." I nodded my head and with that we went our separate ways. I went back into the car and started it back up, I put it into drive and started on my way home. I kept my eyes fixed on the road and did my best to avoid looking at what's around me. I always felt like I'll turn my head and Jacob would be there glaring at me. Not that it matters to me anymore. Well I guess some part of it matters to me but I don't want it to.

   I pulled into the driveway and killed the engine. I grabbed my bag and walked inside. I took my jacket off and let it fall to the floor. I took a seat on the couch and took the rope out of the bag. I went ahead and tied a noose. Once it was nice and secure I went to the kitchen and dragged the chair into the living room. I placed it under the fan and I tied it to the fan. I put the loop around my neck and I looked up. I could see people all around me with Victorian masks on. They were all pointing at me and laughing. I could hear them.

   I started to rock the chair can and could hear the chair creak over the laughter. The warm tears streamed down my face as I finally pushed the chair back and the rope tightened around my neck. The air left my body and as I slowly left I watched the people laughing at me slowly blur away.

“I need help I’m a monster. That’s why I’m here, can you keep a secret?” He asked after seeing her hanging he knew it was his fault. “God, please. Can you keep a secret?”