Scales of Life

We sat in a circle of chairs so everyone was exposed to one another. I could feel their eyes staring a hole into the top of my head as I focused on the floor tiles. There’s always imperfections in their alignment, focusing on the flaws allows my mind to lose track of time. These meetings seem to get longer each time; I’m not sure why I still show up.

“John would you like to share today,” she asked from across the group.

The circle is supposed to signify there wasn’t a leader, but the world is filled with lies. Janet was in charge of our sessions, whether by appointment or volunteering I wasn’t sure. Every session she asks the same question, and every session I reply the same answer.

“I’m fine,” I replied. “There’s probably someone else here that needs your help more.”

I heard her drop her notepad on her lap, “That’s not how it works John. Everyone here shares or I don’t sign off on their paperwork.”

I sat there leaning my weight on my elbows that were starting to dig into my thighs more than was comfortable. “What happens if you don’t sign off,” I asked her without looking up.

It took her a minute to respond, apparently a question she didn’t get asked very often. “If I don’t sign then you’ll have to go before the judge again,” she said softly. “Depending on his mood he’ll either throw out your case or put you in jail for not completing the court ordered sessions.”

I nodded thinking about my choices. I didn’t ask for the sessions, according to my lawyer the judge had took pity on my case. I don’t like pity, pity was for the deserving. I sat back in my chair and looked her in the eye for the first time. She looked like a nice woman, I kind of felt guilty for giving her a hard time.

“And if I don’t sign them,” she continued. “Then I have to go back to court too, and explain to the judge why I didn’t sign. I work during the day, and come here three nights a week. Please don’t make me miss work on that account.”

Guilt from a woman has always been my weakness; Annie had figured that out early in our relationship. Just thinking of her name was chipping away at the wall I’d built. I could feel my body starting to shake at the thought of losing control of my emotions in front of this group.

I took a quick glance around; everyone was poised waiting for my response. “It’s a long story,” I said trying to stay calm. “To tell it I’d have to go back to the beginning. Growing up we had everything, I mean none of us wanted for anything. Both of my parents had great jobs that they loved and always came home happy. I had arguably the most perfect childhood a person could ask for.”

I could tell everyone was still waiting for the turning point. “You could say I was born lucky, or blessed as they later called it. After I moved out I could’ve called my parents if I needed anything, money or food, and they would’ve given it to me without hesitation. But I wanted to forge my own life alone. If I found myself getting tight on money I’d buy a two dollar scratcher and win three or four hundred dollars. That happened more than a few times, that’s why I called myself lucky. Some of my friends used to give me static for not playing the multi-million dollar lottery, but I didn’t want that kind of money. Large sums of money tend to change people. I wanted to be me, but get by.”

Everyone was still staring at me nodding to myself; I must’ve got caught up in a daydream about the happier days. “Anyway, I had a good job that I enjoyed, but didn’t pay well. I got by with supplements every now and again. I thought life was perfect. I thought I was on top of the world until I bumped into her on the sidewalk. I’ve met and dated women so I feel I can say this without exaggeration. She was the most beautiful woman to ever grace this world. As soon as our eyes connected I realized my life wasn’t perfect, I was missing the best part.”

I paused for a moment trying to relive that moment in my mind; my eyes were starting to well up so I tried to rein it in. One of the guys next to me was getting impatient, “So what did you do?”

I blinked a few times to clear my vision, “I did what any man seeing an angel would do, I stuttered and stammered trying to remember how words worked.”

The group chuckled; I did too for the first time in months. “She took pity on the fool in front of her,” I continued. “We walked down the sidewalk for a while together; eventually I managed to form full sentences. I think she could feel it too, we were destined to meet. I wanted to propose to her that night, but was afraid I’d scare her off. Instead I very patiently waited three months. I never knew how incomplete my life was until I met Annie, and then I realized how much I had to lose when I dropped down to one knee. She never hesitated, her eyes lit up and I continued to be the luckiest man alive.”

Picturing her face from that night had my eyes threatening to run over, but I didn’t want to in front of this group. I tilted my head back slightly hoping my lacrimal ducts would get the hint. “It wasn’t long after that we got married. Her daddy was the preacher down at her childhood church so the wedding was straight from a movie. The pews were packed with all the members that had watched her grow up. Now to be clear, I hadn’t been a church goer myself. But I attended every service just to be by her side. It wasn’t long that my title had been changed from the luckiest man alive to the most blessed, and I loved every minute.”

I could feel the temperature in my face slowly going up, I was about to open the door I bolted shut. “Ultimately I was a fool,” I continued. “I was so focused on my wants I never stepped back and looked at the scales.”

I paused for a moment to reflect on my shortsightedness and Janet leaned forward. “What do you mean by the scales?”

I reeled myself back in, “Years ago I read an article by some scientist or philosopher that claimed the universe was just a set of balancing scales. To have good in your life you had to endure as much bad. If I hadn’t been a fool I would’ve seen it coming. I’d never endure any bad, from the time I was born to the time I kissed her at the altar. That’s an awful lot of good on one side of a scale and apparently the universe wanted it all back in a lump sum with interest.”

I ran my hands across the top of my head preparing for the end. “I got two amazing years with Annie before the doctor gave us the long face. He didn’t even try to sugar coat it for us; I guess he thought being blunt would make it easier. They told her chemo would be a waste of time, that she should enjoy the last of her time without enduring the side effects of those drugs. I tried to talk her out of it; I didn’t want her to drag herself through all of that for my own selfish wants. She didn’t want to leave me alone so she sat there in a chair while they pumped in her last prayers through a tube. I watched her slowly deteriorate for nearly three months; Hell has nothing on watching your soul mate be drained of her life as you stand by helpless.”

I couldn’t help it anymore, my tears rained down to the floor. “Her last day broke the remaining bits of faith I had left inside. She cried for hours from the pain, the nurses tried to give her pain medication but she kept refusing. She wanted to be lucid in her final moments; she said she wanted to remember my face clearly when she met God. I sat in the bed with her curled up in my arms rocking us back and forth waiting for our last minute miracle. Things always worked out for me in the last minute, I knew if I just held on she would too. She whispered ‘I love you,’ and took in a long deep breath and I knew my miracle wasn’t coming. She breathed out one last time and my life ended.”

I could hear sobbing around the room but I kept my focus on the floor. “I don’t remember how long I sat there rocking us; I think at some point a doctor gave me a shot in the arm to knock me out. When I woke up she was gone and I was left with a tearing pain in my chest. I don’t even remember the funeral, just sometime later all of the church kept coming by trying to get me to come to services, but I can’t anymore. Prayer from our entire community didn’t save my Annie, my faith left me the night Annie did. My heart’s filled with hate and anger these days and I’m here because the judge believes me to be a danger to society.”

Janet shook her head, “That’s not why you’re here…do you really not remember what happened?”

I looked around at the empty faces staring at me and back to Janet, “I guess I’ve forgotten.”

“Have you noticed how time hasn’t moved since we’ve been here,” she asked pointing up at the clock above her head.

I looked up, there was a clock but it didn’t have any hands. “I think it’s broken, I can’t see the time.”

“That’s because none of this is real,” she whispered.

I looked down to see she was the only person in the room with me now. All of the chairs were empty and dusty as if no one had sat in them in years. I looked back at Janet, “What’s going on?”

“When you open your eyes it’ll all make sense again,” she said looking sad. She got up and walked out leaving me alone in the creepy room. Her footsteps echoed down the hallway.  Once I couldn’t hear them anymore the lights went out. I was sitting alone in the dark with my heart pounding, and then it started hurting again like that night.

I opened my eyes and the light came back. I was staring up at a tiled ceiling inside what looked like a hospital room. My head was spinning from the confusion. I tried to sit up when I noticed my hands were restrained to the bedrails. My heart started pounding harder which increased the pain. I leaned closer to my hand and pulled down my gown to find a large dressing on my chest. I peeled at the tape until I got it to fold back and reveal a long line of stitches going down over my heart. I leaned back and the pain continued to get worse. Now I knew why I couldn’t remember the funeral, I’d tried taking the lead express.