One hill at the time

(Disclaimer: This story contains mention of drug use)

Morning couldn't be more perfect for a hike. In translation: I have no excuse but to keep the promise I made to my myself that this weekend I am gonna go climb the nearby mountain. Actually, that promise was not made to myself, I don't care enough about me to keep myself a promise, but it is the one I made on my NA meeting. Yes, you read it right, NA stands for narcotics anonymous and yes, it's not only drunk people who need to go to the meetings. So, I am gonna tell you the truth right away: I don't use narcotics, but I do however, have paranoid mother. The few times I missed the class because of my necessary "wake and bake" and she put me in the same basket with all those drug users. I feel grateful that today I am home alone and don't have to listen to the monologues about how I am "smoking my life away".

I went down to the kitchen to grab a quick bite before my walk. I constantly feel like I am forgetting something and soon I realize I feel weird without my joint. I am already awake for almost an hour and I still haven't smoked. Maybe I should just take one small puff before I go?

Just few smokes, you will feel great.

I go back to my room and I grab everything I need to roll, but soon I stop. No, what am I doing? It is just one day without, I can make it through one day. I leave my weed on my table and leave the room. A few seconds later, I come back.

You can take it with you just in case.

With weed in my pocket, I leave the house ready to change my life.

***

I come to the start of the hiking trail and choose the beginner part composed of 3 minor hills, each one slightly bigger than the other. There are a few people around me but I manage to ignore them, I don't like people, I like quite place where I can be alone and smoke. I feel good I left the house but also like after this trail I will be on the same level of depression, only sweaty. I haven't even began and I am already irritated, maybe I will do just one hill? I take my first step and begin the journey.

Why are you even doing this if you don't have an addiction? You can stop whenever you want, you just don't want to because you like smoking. No, you LOVE smoking.

I start climbing, and I am angry. My heart is already pumping like crazy after only a few steps up the hill. What the hell am I doing? It is Saturday, I should be enjoying myself, go out with friends, be on my computer, chilling on YouTube.

You don't have an addiction, people who use heroin have an addiction, weed can't even make you addicted.

No, it can't, and I have everything I need to roll in my right pocket. Yes, that's right. I am gonna come to the end of this hill and smoke one. I become more calm as soon as I make that decision.

Half an hour has passed and I need a break, I have the weakest stamina I know and the sun is now higher in the sky so I already had to remove my jacket. A family of four passes me by and I notice they have picnic supplies carrying on their backs. Shit, am I not gonna be alone on the hill, should I smoke before? Can I hide anywhere? I start to panic and, unconsciously quicken my step. I don't even know what am I hurrying for. As my location approaches the top of the first hill, I see more and more people around me. Are you kidding me, there is a restaurant and a bar up there?? What happened to being "one with nature"?? Sweat is starting to drop down my forehead, and there is only one thing I think about: Will I be able to smoke?

I come to the top of the first hill and there is a million people there. I decide to sit on a bench to take a rest and drink a bit of water. There is only one thing that annoys me more than people, and those are people in the place I wanted to smoke. I check one more time if weed is in my pocket and experience a relief when I feel it. After a few moments, little girl with her dad sits close to me.

"Can we pass the waterfalls one more time daddy?", she asks showing him pictures on the mobile phone.

Waterfalls? There were waterfalls? Was there more than one path to this hill? I come to the information board and look on the map one more time. Shock flew all over my body. Not only there was the biggest waterfall in this area, there were also lakes known for beautiful swans and some tree species over one hundred years old. Wait, when did I pass that? I was on the same path as anyone else. I come back to the bench and start to think in retrospect how my hiking has looked like. There was only one thing I was thinking about: weed.

Before I went for the second hill I stayed a few more minutes on a bench and the questions in the back of my mind were stabbing me: Am I really so addicted that I was blind for everything else around me?. Does this happen every day?

***

I would never say the first hill was the hard one If I knew how the second one will be. This time I learned my lesson and I tried to see and enjoy the nature as much as possible. Forest was the most beautiful type of green and I let the imperfect symphony of different birds calm my mind. Although, my fascination didn't last long. Sound of notification distracted my already distracted mind.

"Did you already send your paper?", my friend from college asked.

No, I did not and thank you for ruining my piece of mind. I try to be sarcastic in my head but I do care about the paper, not only I did not send it, it is not even done yet and i completely forgot about it. I wanna smoke so much.

This is why you smoke, you NEED to smoke, there is too much stress in today's world, your mental health would be even worse without it.

Yes, the problem is not me, the problem is the world. Young generations today are under so much pressure, no wonder we need to smoke from time to time. I continue with my path which is obviously more steep than the one before and I had to stop a few times to catch my breath. This time there is no one around me and I sit on the side of the path. Waterfall, that I did not miss this time, was creating a beautiful melody and a feeling of eternal water. I just sit there and watch it for 10, 20, 30 minutes. I don't know how long it passed, I wanted to make a joint, but I felt obligated to cherish the beauty of the waterfall since I completely ignored the first one.

"I see you are offline, just wanted to remind you deadline is today.", another message appeared.

Deadline is today?? From the moment of complete tranquility, I stand up and start going in circles, I hold my hands on my head and try to count the hours I have until submission. Soon, I realize there is no way I can make it today. I put my hand in my right pocket:

If now it's not the time to smoke, I don't know when is, you wanna die from a panic attack in the middle of the hiking trail?

No, I don't. However, my strong anxiety realizes there is no way out of this, not even if I am high. I open the email on my phone and write a message to my professor asking for an extra day due to my health issues (no one needs to know they are the mental ones, let's just hope this works).

A few minutes later, familiar sound of notification disrupts my hiking. Message from my teacher giving me more time calmed my nerves.

Who would say, everything worked out! I automatically put my hand in the right pocket, but I slowly put it back out.

You should smoke now to celebrate, now you can really relax!

I was near the top of the hill, but I decide to sit down and listen to the waterfall one more time before I go. Sound of the waterfall managed to clear my mind.

For the first time in years, I am being sober and I am at peace.

***

Finally, I start on the third hill. My shirt is completely wet, my legs hurt and I start to feel depressed. I don't think I can make it to the top.

But if you make it to the top you can reward yourself with the weed you haven't touched all day.

I guess I deserve to smoke when I finish my hiking. Yes, imagine the feeling, the high would be so great right now after I was weed-free for almost whole day. Although alone, I smile, this day is gonna be one great day after all. I continue on my extremely steep path and with every step I doubt my ability to finish this hiking.

You can't take this, don't force yourself for the first day, just sit, smoke a little and go home.

That would probably be the smartest thing to do now, I did enough for today! I sit on the side of the path under the tree and start to roll my first joint of the day. The smell of the weed going through my hands and the feeling of the paper rolling makes my heart wanna jump out. Damn, I love smoking.

Smoking is not THAT bad. You know you are addicted but, at the end of the day, you are only hurting yourself.

You are only hurting yourself.

With my joint half-rolled, I lay on the path not caring if anyone would come and I start to shake. Sound of thousand cries starts to pump through my head:

"You promised you will come!", my little sister was hysterically crying coming through the front door after the recital i missed because I was too high.

"This was important to me and you look like a disaster!", my ex girlfriend was screaming after I ate two brownies before meeting her parents.

"I have never been more disappointed in you", my teacher said after I missed the deadline for the fifth time just so I can get high one more time.

And then, there was my mom. I hurt her more than anyone else. The panic she goes through every time she sees me on the bathroom floor, the number of her birthdays I forgot, the words I said to her.

I start to shake even more and cry uncontrollably, unable to catch my breath. All the people I have hurt are inside my head and I still want to smoke. My hand wants to reach for the right pocket, just one more smoke, one more inhale. But instead, I grab my phone.

"I'm sorry mom, but I don't think I can finish this hike", I say through the tears as soon as she picked up.

"That's okay honey, mom will do it with you, one hill at the time".