Confessionary of a Sane Person

“It all started with the car keys. Right, that’s where it began.

What happened was, I left for work in the morning as I always did. Or I should have, were the car keys not missing. So I sat up from my car and went back into my house.  

I looked at all the usual places; the kitchen counter, the bedroom drawer, the couch. But the damn thing was nowhere to be found. I gave up and finally decided to call my wife and the goddam woman had brought my keys with her accidentally. 

She came back a couple of hours later to give me back my keys. And so I finally left home. Since I was already so late I figured that if I stopped by a coffee shop it wouldn't really make a difference. So that’s what I did. And that’s when everything got worse.

After the woman had already finished preparing my order, I discovered I had forgotten my wallet. It’s those awkward scenarios you hope never happen to you. Well, it did to me. 

So I drove back home to look for my wallet. And I went over my house once more; the kitchen counter, the bedroom drawer, the couch. Nowhere. Again.

Then I called my wife to see if she had also grabbed my wallet ‘accidentally’. She denied it, and well, you never know with people these days. But I decided to just move on.

I went after my neighbor, it must have been an hour or so after I lost my wallet. The last time I saw it was when I was discussing with him in the condo meeting. But that is not the point.

Well, I told him about what happened. And I asked politely if he had seen my wallet. But that old man never liked me, he just acted like I accused him of stealing it. That deranged man started screaming like crazy. I always knew he was psychotic, but not on this level. 

Well, that was it for me. I was sure that the old man had stolen my wallet. So I tried to sneak into his house to get what was mine. It should be a right of a person. To retrieve what is theirs.

So I tried to enter the house and he tried to stop me. It turns out that man is not only frail mentally but also physically because the old bastard broke his arm. ​​From then on, things got out of hand. A lot of people had to come in, and none of them heard my side of the story.

I still think that man stole it, but I can’t prove it. Not now. To add insult to injury, he got the condominium trustee to put a restraining order on me. Well, it’s not an official one, but the result is basically the same.

You see, I am just a sane person living in this mad world and trying to survive. Doing my share, not asking for more than what I need. All I look for in this life is peace, but the world keeps getting in my way again and again. 

I’ve given up on retrieving my wallet. But I had to stop that man from using my credit card. So I tried to cancel it. But I’m a mere mailman, or I was before I got fired for not showing up on time. They skipped the step where I explained what happened and that I lost my keys and all, but businessmen these days don’t care about real people, don’t they?

Sorry, I lost my line of thought, what was I talking about again? Right, the credit card.

I searched for what to do on the internet, as you do these days. And the steps were clear: contact your issuer, block your card, review recent charges, and get a replacement card.

Simple, right? No.

I called the issuer and they said they had to verify my identity as the cardholder before taking any action. Which seems fair at first, but then you realize it’s a scam so they don’t have to do a damn thing.

How did they expect me to remember my parents' full name? These insane people expected me to know my mother’s maiden name. What kind of person knows these things?

As soon as I called, the first thing I noticed was that this was going nowhere. Well, not really, the first thing I noticed was actually that the man’s voice on the hotline sounded exactly like my first-grade teacher, nasty men, I tell you that. But that was a close second.

Well, after making all those stupid requests, he finally started to get reasonable. He asked for stuff like my name, address, birthday... The things that a sane person does remember. But it did not last for long, soon he was asking me about recent transactions. How am I supposed to know? My wife also uses this credit card.

Tell me, how was I supposed to know the last purchase was at Sephora?

So he got unreasonable again. He asked me for a scanned copy of my driver’s license or passport. He said it was for verification purposes but you never know people’s intentions. Have you seen the newspapers exposing these billionaire companies stealing data from common men like me and you? 

In the end, he said he would have to cancel my card because they could not identify the real cardholder. Which was exactly what I wanted from the very beginning. If these people only listened to me.

Umm, I lost my line of thought. I was hoping that if I kept talking, it would come back to me. I was trying to look for it as I rambled.

Oh yeah, right, sorry. Now I remember, I brought this up because you kind of look like a banker. My old boss looked a lot like you. You remind me of those businessmen on TV. Do you know how to set up a new credit card?

I mean I don’t want to go through all that nightmare again. My wife is already angry at me for a lot of things. 

If you could help me with that, I would be eternally grateful. From the moment you walked into this store, I knew I had to talk to you. You seem like a reasonable person who would help me.

Anyway, thank you for choosing McDonald's. Your order is ready for pickup. Will you be paying with cash or credit card?”