I Forgot to Live.

I Forgot to Live. 

    The refreshing euphoric feeling washed in and out of my mind with calm tidal waves consisting of the beautiful blue and white highlights in a distinctive alignment. I took in the view of the rolling hills enhancing the distances and lush green manicured grasses aligning with the ponds. The birds flew together in perfect harmony, their black and fading gray colored wings blanketing the bright blue sky. Multi-color winged butterflies danced like fairies decorating the tall oaks with their beauty and grace. This paradise was all at the other side. Just me and a lit candle in a dark cave finding my way out of the darkness. I saw a glimmer of light, and I ran towards it. I saw the light at the end of the tunnel where freedom existed, possibilities, and the pursuit of happiness. I ran towards it, but as soon as I reached the light, the light dimmed and vanished. The darkness caved in on me; I was lost.

    I opened my eyes and I was surrounded by only shadows. I waited for feelings, words, letters to fill in the blank lines capacitating my mind. Nothing came. I could no longer see the ocean, the lush green grasses were now yellow and brown, and the birds and butterflies vanished into thin air. The lights dimmed disappearing, and the only thing keeping me company was the night sky with no stars, only clouds. 

    My heart sped faster than my thoughts. My thoughts were diminishing, deteriorating. Every second, I felt my spirit loosening ready to escape my body. I tried to grasp just one memory of my life: who I am, where I’m from, my biggest joy, anything just anything. My memories were fading. A slow sluggish realization sparked; I was dying. 

The air was toxic and I struggled to grasp a breath. Oh, how I took the ability to breathe for granted. I was like a fish leaving the water which was my home, pleading to live, pleading to breathe, just one more time. The venom turned into memories, memories I didn’t want to remember. There was no sunshine, no emotion, no butterflies, and no rainbows. I was dying to make straight A’s at school. I remember dying to ace high school and get into college. I died to stay in college and complete my medical degree. I was still dying because I needed a job to take care of myself. And then societal pressures caused me to continue dying to get married and have children and raise children. I was still dying, my mind decaying as I wanted my children to repeat the cycle I went through. Now, I am dying. My heart beat slowing second by second, I was dying. My lungs shrunk, my eyes bled, I screamed but could not hear an echo, my muscles were weakening and my livid wrists were becoming ever-so pale ghostly. I was shriveling up like a raisin. I never truly enjoyed life. And now I never will.  

    Our entire childhood is set through a standard course towards being successful. A cognitive map is set into place: school, college, job, family, raising a family, death and so on. This standard layout of life is bestowed onto the shoulders of many as a societal norm. While efficiently planning to grasp a future full of promise and possibility, the societal norm is engraved in us, causing humans to lose the meaning of life and its purpose. Societal expectations is a prison cell. Outside that prison cell is the world moving so fast your eyes can’t even focus on one aspect, not even one thought, nothing. We create that prison cell by letting ourselves be trapped by societal expectations rather than letting our thoughts be permissive, exploring this world and distinguishing its purpose ourselves, create our own meaning of life rather than others doing it for us. But we don’t, because we are afraid. We don’t trust ourselves. We didn’t perceive life as a gift making full use of it, we used it as a meaningless contraption being forced to spend time with until death. And it’s until death we realize we forgot to live. Life is then a blank canvas with no color and with no color, there is no purpose, no joy, no meaning. Our wings are spread out yet, we don’t know how to fly. 

Choices. This universe is densely packed with choices. We choose our path in life, our feelings about that certain path which distinguished the difference of how we perceive life: a trap or a gift. The pure definition of life is “vitality, vigor, or energy”. Our thoughts mutate into worries and our worries are what strips the life out of us, it’s what captures that energy we have a right to enjoy. We are prisoners of our minds, our ways of thinking, and the stress we absorb from external forces. 

As I lay helplessly taking my last breaths I pondered what paths I could’ve taken towards enlightenment. I pondered on the risks I could’ve taken to reach an unknown but exciting destination. I pondered on how black and white and boring I made life because I was a follower rather than a leader. I was a follower that lived life on a blank canvas with no color, no depth, no fancy brush strokes, nothing. 

Making a spontaneous recovery, all the memories that made me smile came back. A myriad of refreshing memories showered and united together forming a shield against all the evils and sadness that capacitated throughout my life. All the memories so colorful and beautiful forming a kaleidoscope I wish I could own a painting of. I remember the family I came to cherish, that hand I held for warmth, the sunsets that made my days end peacefully. Each and every bits and piece of pure euphoria made its way home to my heart. I felt that joy that made me human and grasped onto it, never letting it go because it was mine.

 Life is a gift I wish were tangible so I could hold onto it and never let go of. So many gifts...and at that moment I realized the blessing that enriched my existence: when I was granted the gift to walk, the gift to open my mouth hearing a voice comes out, the gift of the ability to give a hug, the gift to whisper a smile, the gift to receive an education, the gift of survival, the gift of receiving the opportunity to exist, being invited to live life. That realization hit me like tidal waves and I felt refreshed as I lay there. And for the first time, all those worries, the stress that was bestowed onto my shoulders, they all gathered up forming a shape of a wing and flew far away never to be seen again. I smiled. Not out of force, not out for making a good impression, but I genuinely smiled of the being gifted with life. 

    I am a boat. I’m in the middle of a body of water. I’m not lost, I’m free. Each day I row forth to an island full of possibilities and all my dreams and hopes. Each day, the current holds me back. For days, for years I tried each day rowing. And while the currents continued to hold me back, I did make somewhat progress. With that progress, I’m self-empowered, I’m still motivated causing my voice to become valorous. My losses brought me down but at the same time, the broken parts of me have been put back together. Some pieces are still missing and they may never be found, but it’s my losses that made me real. My time is now over. I was still smiling out of pure euphoria and took in the view one last time of the beautiful pink, purple, turquoise color sunset and closed my eyes letting go of one last breath. 

I’m now at an island with the beautiful views of the tidal waves, the green luxurious hills, the birds flying in perfect alignment, and the butterflies danced with the stars. I see light, I ran towards it, the light caught me, hugging me, and I vanished into thin air. Freedom at last.