Mixed Reviews

“What? They only serve brussels sprouts, clam chowder, tofu, and anchovy pizza. What kind of menu is this?” I think as I read through the distasteful menu of “The Magical Food Emporium.”

The name is ironic because honestly, there is nothing magical about this place. It’s a hole-in-the-wall restaurant in a deserted neighborhood, with not a single person in the place, except for the one waiter.

The waiter appears, waiting to take my order. Without saying a word, he stands there with a creepy grin, unceasingly waiting.

“H-hello, how are you doing?” I say politely in an attempt to relieve the awkward tension. 

Once again, he is as still as a statue, maintaining the same stalker-like expression. 

“Okay then, good talk. Do you have any recommendations, a special I should know about?

The waiter shakes his head and points. My eyes follow the waiter’s finger back to the menu. He takes his finger off the small list of foods, and looks back up at me with the same creepy grin. 

“I think I’m going to need a few more minutes. Thanks.”

The waiter immediately heads back to what I can only assume is the break room for employees. 

I sigh and begin writing notes to document my so far horrific experience in this place. See, my name is Amethyst, and I’m a world-renowned food critic. I was sent to this place to give my review on it, and I decided to go undercover. That way, the servers and chef won’t change how they act just because they know I’m here. Unfortunately, regret struck in. Now I wish they knew they were getting a review, so they could have cleaned up the place beforehand and supplied me with better service. I hear the chiming of the bell at the top of the door. I look up, seeing a guy around my age walking through the door.

We catch each other’s eye and I decide to go up to him. I figured I could warn him off, so he doesn’t suffer like I have been. 

“Hey, I’m Amethyst and as a courtesy to you, I’d just like to say that I wouldn’t recommend coming here to dine in. There are only 4 items on the menu, there’s a horror movie-type waiter, and this place is a dump.”

“Oh? I read that this place has great food and a never-ending list of things to eat. Here, look for yourself.”

He shoves his phone in my face, showing me the ratings and comments. Surprised, I grabbed the man’s phone, scrolling down to find a bad review, but all I could find were super positive ones.

People said things about the owner being incredibly kind, and the food being so versatile that it feels like you’re eating food from all over the world. People even shared personal stories of meeting their best friend at the restaurant or the love of their life.

I try to hold in a laugh, but I can’t contain myself and start bursting out laughing.

“What’s so funny? Is it my wallpaper?” The man asks, embarrassingly.

“Not at all, I just don’t get why all of these reviews are so positive. I mean, there’s nothing remotely special about this place. I’ve been here for an hour, and it’s been the worst experience I’ve had in years.”

“Oh.” He takes his phone back and starts reading through the comments, which I assume he’s already done a million times prior.

As I watch him reading the comments, I ask him, “What’s your name, by the way? I don’t think I caught it.”

Completely distracted by his phone, he responds, “Huh? Oh, my name is Silas.” 

He shakes my hand. “Nice to meet you, Amethyst.”

“Nice to meet you, too. So, what are you going to do, take a chance and potentially get food poisoning or listen to a well-informed woman on her opinion and avoid sickness completely?”

“I think I’m going to take a chance. I mean, it can’t be that bad…right?” 

“Mm, if you say so. But since you’re staying, we might as well sit together. I mean, we are the only two people here.”

“Not the only two.”

I look around the entire restaurant confusingly.

“Can’t forget about the straight out of a horror movie waiter.” He chuckles.

I laugh. “Definitely won’t be able to forget about the waiter. He’ll be in my nightmares for eternity.”

Silas laughs heartily and gestures for me to lead the way. I walk us over to my table and sit down, Silas across from me. As if on cue, the waiter comes right out with the same scary grin. He wordlessly hands Silas a menu and walks away.  

Silas laughs quietly to himself. “Our waiter seems…interesting”

“I don’t think interesting is the right word to use, but sure.”

“Oh, c'mon, just give the waiter a chance. Maybe he just wants to go home early. I mean, if you were getting ready to close, wouldn’t you get upset if two people were the reason you had to stay open?”

“Sure, but at the end of the day, the better the service, the more tips he gets from us.”

“Okay, be quiet, he's on his way back.”

“Hi, we’re both ready to order now. I’m going to have the tofu and Brussels sprouts with a Pepsi.”

“And I’m going to have the same. Seems like the safest option to me.” He chuckles.

The waiter takes our menus and walks to the back of the restaurant once again.

“So, you still think that our waiter is interesting?”

“I'm starting to think that our definitions of “interesting” are completely different.”

“I concur. I mean, it’s the only reasonable explanation for you wanting to stay here. We’re just too different, Silas, I don’t think this is going to work out between us.”

He feigns tears, “Oh god. Are you breaking up with me?!” He cries. “I can’t believe you would do this to me, Amethyst. I…sob…thought we…sob…were soulmates.” He says, wiping his fake tears away.

Silas and I burst into another fit of laughter. Real tears coming into our eyes as we do. We release a joyous sigh, resulting in another effortless laugh. 

“But in all seriousness, you can’t have an opinion on something if you haven’t tried it yet. ”

“Well, of course, I know that. I’ve been to restaurants like these before. Places where their websites have all these positive reviews, but in reality, it’s more likely that the owner or even the creepy waiter back there wrote them. I mean, look around, this place is a pigsty. Judging by that, I can pretty much tell you that this will not end well, and the food will most likely be gross.”

“Hmm, I guess you have a point, but every chance is worth taking, right?”

“Sure. Totally!” I say fraudulently.

We continue laughing and getting to know one another. And I learned that Silas is a “food cynic”. His words, not mine. He goes around to different restaurants, trying out their food and gives them reviews on Yelp. I told him that I was a world-renowned food critic undercover. He thought I was joking, but then I told him my full name and told him to look me up. To say the least, he was shocked. As we talk, I find myself having the best time with Silas, making the experience of the restaurant a million times better. 

The waiter makes his way to our table with his devious smile, once again with our food in hand. 

“Ooo food time!” Silas says with excitement.

“Mmm, looks great, thank you…” I say with a thin smile, trying my best not to throw up in my mouth at the horrid stench coming from the food.

“Dig in!” Silas says.

We take one bite of the food and immediately look at each other with disgust. We spit out the food and chug our Pepsi. Soon realizing that was a huge mistake as the Pepsi was pickle flavored, we spit that out too. 

At this point, I am beyond fed up and go to grab the waiter.

“You call this food?! This was horrible. It tastes like literal garbage!”

The waiter remained quiet and Silas chimed in.

“Honestly, she’s right. I mean, I was rooting for you guys, but this place sucks.”

“We want to speak to the owner IMMEDIATELY!” I yell.

The waiter goes to the back silently to get the owner, and I look at Silas with shock. “What kind of restaurant is this?”

The waiter returns with the owner. I’m fully prepared to rip him a new one and shout him into the abyss. But Silas puts a hand on my shoulder and gives me a look saying “I got this. Calm down.”

All the tension in my body goes down as I put all my trust in Silas, someone I just met, who calmed me faster than anyone else ever could just with his words, knowing he could handle the situation.  

“Hello, sir.” Silas says calmly.

“From the moment Ameth-...my friend and I stepped into this place, scratch that into this neighborhood, we were dissuaded from coming into this restaurant. We have been served the worst meals here. If I can speak for both of us?” I nod.

He continues, “in years, and honestly we don’t understand how you’ve been able to keep this place open, and this was our first and last time coming here. It’s dirty in every place the eye can see, there are barely any options for food, the waiter has been making us uncomfortable, and quite frankly the food is not even remotely close too good. With that being said, we hope you guys understand and respect our concerns. Have a good rest of your guys’ day.”

Before we could make a hasty exit, the owner’s blank expression turned into a devious smile similar to that of the waiter. He says under his breath, “You’ll be back, they always come back” and walks away with the waiter behind him.

I grab my phone and bag, speed-walking towards the exit alongside Silas. 

“After you.” Silas says, holding the door for me.

“Why thank you, Mr. I got this.”

We laugh. “That owner was kind of cuckoo, right? I’m not the only one who thought that?” Amethyst says.

“Haha, no, there was certainly something wrong with the guy. And what was he going on about when he said we would come back.” He scoffs. “Not a chance, I’d rather give up cheese than go back in there.”

“Haha, for sure. You know, the only good thing that came out of this was that I met you, and honestly spending time in that restaurant with you made being there just a tiny bit more bearable. I mean, it was fun watching you nearly throw up those Brussels Sprouts.” I say.

“Haha, very funny. I don’t know whether to feel complimented, or insulted. But I’ll just take the compliment, and confess that the feelings are mutual. I mean, I’ve never had an experience where the girl and I would bond over disliking a meal, so this was new to me.”

“I don’t think anyone ever has.” I say chuckling.

“Haha, you’re probably right about that.”

“Oh, I definitely am.” I say with a smirk.

“Uh Silas.”

“Yeah, Amethyst?”

“Where are we?”

“Um, we’re outside the restaurant we just came out from.”

“No, I mean where are we? Look around.”

Silas looks around. Realization hits as he notices what I noticed. The restaurant was a completely different color and had a different structure. It looked like a completely different building. 

“Okay, either the manager ordered a quick paint job that came with a redesign, or this is all just a dream.”

I pinch his left forearm gently.

“Ow!” Silas exclaims.

“What was that for?”

“To disprove your dream theory, duh.” I replied. 

“Was that really the only way to disprove my theory?”

“Yes obviously.”

He scoffs. “Where the hell are we, then?”

“We’re definitely not in Kansas anymore. Haha, get it?”

“Yeah, I got it. Let’s just head back inside, maybe the owner can serve us a valid example as to what crazy dimension we just walked into.”

As I follow Silas, I begin looking around, trying to get a sense of where we are. Suddenly, it clicked.

“Wait, Silas!”

“What?”

“We’re in Italy!”

“What? Oh, don’t be silly. Wait, are you just saying that because of the pizzeria at the end of the block?”

“No dummy, look!”

I point my finger towards a large building, Silas follows my finger and sees what caught my eye.

“Wait, is that…”

“Yes, Silas, the Leaning Tower of Pisa.”

“Woah. You know, when I was younger, I used to think that it was called the Leaning Tower of Pizza.”

“You know, I used to think that but…okay, okay we’re getting distracted. Pizza later, mystery-solving now.”

“Mm, Scooby-Doo vibes. Real neat.”

“Oh, just go inside already.”

“Ugh, fine, pizza and Scooby-Doo later.”

“Sure, let’s go with that.”

As we walk back inside the restaurant, we head towards our original table. But something’s a little different. Instead of two menus, there are two cards with our names written on them. No sign of the waiter, let alone the owner, we’re alone in here. 

“This is like, creepy and romantic at the same time don’t you think?”

I ask Silas, hoping for him to agree with me. Spending all this time together made me realize how much I miss having someone to talk to and relate to. Being with him was the best and honestly, I’ve never laughed with anyone as much as I did with him. 

“I definitely see where you’re coming from. You know what would make this even better?”

“Oh boy. If you’re going to say what I think you’re going to say, I would prefer you keep it…”

“Pizza!” He interrupts. 

I let out a sigh of disappointment.

“...to yourself.” I finish off. 

All of a sudden, I hear the sound of a suspicious call bell. 

“What was that?” I ask Silas while rubbing my knees frantically.

“I wish I knew.”

From behind a curtain, a new waiter comes out carrying dishes with food. When she reaches our table, she places down two dishes, and takes our cards to the room behind the curtain.

We both look at each other with confusion, and then the smell of the food hits us. It’s heavenly, totally different from the original restaurant we came into. 

“Wow, this actually smells good. Wait, what if this is just a trap? What if they poisoned the food? Or worse, what if they spat in it!?” I exclaim.

“Amethyst, relax. Sometimes you just have to take a break, consider this your vacation.”

“I can’t just forget about my job. Initially I came here to give my review of the place, but now I’m here with a guy I just met at a restaurant that’s not even the restaurant it was before and now I just… I don't know. I’m just confused.”

As I continue to ramble, Silas picks up a slice of pizza and takes a big bite out of it. 

“Mm, this pizza is fantastic, you have to try this.”

“No, Silas. I’m not dying because of you!”

“Oh c'mon Amethyst. How do you expect to give a review if you don’t experience it for yourself?”

“Well I uh…”

“Just try it, for me?”

He looks at me with a fake pouty face that I can't seem to resist. He’s just too cute.

“Ugh, fine, but only because my job is on the line if I don’t.”

“I’ll take it.”

He picks up one of his slices of pizza and hands it to me.

I take a bite, closing my eyes, cautious of what might happen next. I open my eyes. 

“Am I in heaven?”

“Haha, no, but that is one hell of a pizza.”

“No, yeah, it’s amazing. What’s in it?”

“Um, cheese, tomato, dou…”

“Okay, okay, I know that, but there’s got to be something else. I mean, it’s the best pizza I’ve ever tasted.”

“Well, maybe that’s because we’re in Italy. The literal home of pizza.”

As I’m looking behind Silas’ shoulder, I see a black board that has a list of ingredients that are contained in the pizza. The only ingredient that is listed on the board is love.

“Hello? Italy to Amethyst.”

“Sorry, I was just um… I got caught up in how delicious the pizza was, and I should probably go…” I pick up my phone and start to make way towards the exit.

“Go where?”

“Home.”

“Home? But we’re stuck here.”

“Yeah, I know, but there’s got to be a way out.”

“I mean yeah, but what’s with the rush? I kind of thought we were having a good time. I’m starting to really like you, and you know, hanging out with you.”

“Really? Honestly, I’ve been having the best time with you, too.” I say taking a step closer

“Mm, good.” Silas says, taking another step closer until we’re face to face. He grabs the sides of my face and kisses me passionately.

“Wow.”

“Yeah.”

“That was…”

“Magical” We say at the same time. As we look out the window, we notice we’re back home.

“Home sweet home, I guess.” I say. 

“Yeah. Can I offer you a crazy proposition?”

“It depends on what you’re about to say.” I chuckle.

“Maybe we shouldn’t leave just yet. We could ask the owner to take us on another magical ride across the globe and go on a real official date.”

“I think that’s a great idea, Silas.”

“So what’re your final thoughts on this place?”

“1000/10 for sure. Without this place, I wouldn’t have met you.”

“And I wouldn't have met you.”

We smile. And I say, “so, you ready for a new adventure?” Grabbing Silas’ hand

“Let’s do it!”

The End.