No Matter What

The first day I met you, it was already a bad morning.

My Dad forced me to wear this chess set excuse of a dress passed on from my big sister when I so wanted to wear my favorite dinosaur shirt and cap; but I had to be a lady for my first day of third grade.

When I walked in, I was instantly nervous.

I was the new kid. I didn't know anyone there. I had moved from a small town and now I was in the capital city surrounded by kids used to jaywalking and taking the public bus routes.

But then I saw you.

You were sitting by yourself. I didn't know it then but now that I look back at it you were probably pretending to be looking through your backpack, just as nervous as I was to talk to anyone.

What else could I do but sit next to you without even asking for permission?

I don't really think you minded though. At least, you didn't say anything if you did. It's been over a decade, and I can still remember that tight high pony tail your mom did for you.

The first thing I ever told you was, "You have big ears."

Now in my defense it was true at the time. You definitely had growing to do and that included into those ears.

Completely unfazed, you just eyed me up and down before saying, "Well you look like a boy."

Now to her benefit, that was also true. I had a horrible patch of helmet hair and with my checkered dress I looked like a Scottish kid wearing a really long kilt.

From that day on, we were inseparable. Two girls with about close to nothing in common managed to find any excuse to be closer and find out how live our futures together.

At age ten, we figured we'd make it to High School with the highest marks and finally be rid of the other girls that taunted us.

No more being followed in the bathroom and having the popular girls bang on the doors asking if we are kissing.

No more being called dykes, or being told on to the teachers claiming the reason we were hiding in the handicap bathroom stall was because we were making out when in reality we were crying.

No more getting pushed into the wall or getting kicked in between the legs.

No matter what, the two of us would make sure to always be there for one another.

And for a while it was just you and I. We created our own worlds and talked about what we wanted to be when we grew up.

If only our resumes were as long as our career dreams as they developed over the years.

If it worked like that, I could have been a famous soccer player, a chef, a farmer, and rock and roll singer.

You would have been by my side becoming a director, Olympic swimmer, singer, poet, and movie director.

We wanted our own place together with a pool but it would have to be close to McDonald's. All night we'd eat candy, listen to awesome music that we'd argue over, and pass out on our luxury beds made of silk.

But then I turned eleven, and I abandoned you.

My parents told me we had to move too far for the two of us to visit.

My heart never broke more when I saw your face when you heard the news from me. All I wanted to was hold you and make you laugh again but nothing I could say will change the fact that I'm leaving.

We promised to email and talk on Facebook. It was hard to get used to the time zones or even having access to a computer at the time.

So I mailed you my first letter talking about where I lived and how I wished you could see it. At the bottom of the page, I even drew our secret handshake that we ripped off from Hannah Montana.

Years later, we are both fifteen (even though you INSIST you are older than me because you are four months older). My father is taking me back tot he city to see family, and I BEG him to help me surprise you with my visit. I am wearing a blue and green summer dress with white sandals and my hair is a long golden blonde mane.

We make it to the city and thankfully you still live in the same apartment complex.

My Dad calls you saying i couldn't make it because of summer school but that he had a present from me that I wanted you to get.

You walked out from the perfectly clean glass door, and you are wearing a pair of old shorts, a comfy tee, and some black sneakers.

You look so different, but I could find you in a crowd any time of the day.

You see me. This time there was no eyeing me up. you knew who I was without seeing my face for years and without hesitation you practically leap into my arms and I swing you around in glee trying not to cry; but I can feel you shake and that broke any attempt to regain composure.

We spent three full days together catching up. She tells me she is a lesbian and invites me out to her balcony with candles lit on the coffee table. I smile proudly and tell her I have a boy in sights.

She is happy for me and I am happy for her. I can't remember for how long we held each others hands but when we finally released, we had cramps for five minutes.

Fast forward and we are nineteen. You invite me to my first pride parade despite and as a joke I remind you we are just friends. Rightfully so you punch me in the arm and threaten not to cover my lunch.

We have an amazing time smacking guys asses and flipping the bird to all the haters being held back by security.

Afterwards, we join our other mutual friends and attend the after party. We are hit on, drunk, and high. One of the best nights of my life and it ended with us waking up completely hung over and fighting for the bathroom.

The next time we see each other, I concoct a plan with your mother who adores me more than you (if it makes you feel any better my mother likes you better) to surprise you for your twenty-first birthday. I managed to get you one of your favorite make-up brands and lucked out with the shading choice. After a night of A LOT of champagne and strawberries, we decided to perform a lip sync battle and for some reason the two of us ended up half naked as our inner strippers came out.

A few days before, your mom and I joke about you and I dating and how easy it would be. We know each other well, our parents love us, and there is no doubt that I love you. For a quick millisecond, I debated on the notion; especially since you like girls and I'm a fan of both teams.

But after all these years of loving you and feeling so lucky to have you, the last thing I want to do is be in a relationship with you.

As children, we once bathed together and now I've seen your body developed. Beautiful, but it holds no personal stimulation for me.

When we talk about sex and liking people in our life, I never once felt jealous. As a matter of fact I felt so happy that you decided to leave the house let alone meet people.

I can look at you now and I'll look at you fifty years later and tease you about your bat wings and never regret our friendship.

We are childhood friends.

You are my best friend.

You are my soulmate.

I don't need to fill my life with some Lifetime cliche of falling in love with my childhood friend who just so happens to be a beautiful woman. I love you more than enough right now being best friends.

You'll probably never see this. But it's in the void. I'll love you for the rest of my life girl!

No matter what.