I'm not a bad person

“Life is difficult. Sometimes you just aren’t in the right place. Leila was there and she understood me. She also didn’t want to separate from her husband. But we were really good together. We just enjoyed the time together.”

“Dad, what? Are you telling me you were unfaithful to Mom?”

“Yes. Sometimes it happens. She was unfaithful to me too.”

“And you knew?”

“Everything at the end gets revealed. She told me.”

“And you told her too?”

“I did and we agreed that we wouldn’t make drama out of it.”

Joao was shocked by his father’s frankness and mainly just by the topic. And the only thought that he had on his mind was “you aren’t supposed to talk to your children about your sexual life. Not about yours, not mom’s, not anyone’s”

Joao wasn’t innocent anymore, he knew how it worked, but there was still too much experience missing for him to understand the passion between two people. He was still just in the stage of experiments with his best friend, whom he still wouldn’t call his girlfriend just because he thought that she wouldn’t care. But he had never told his parents. Even though they lived in an open society, this was a taboo topic. You could direct some vulgar words regarding this topic to your friends, but that was it. 

“Dad, you know that I don’t really care about what you and mom do.”

“Come on, son, it’s a totally normal. It’s a human thing. Everyone does it. There is nothing to be ashamed of. I love sex and your mom does to.”

Joao looked around. They were together in a pub. It was very dimly lit and all the decorations were made of dark, heavy wood. It was a fancy place. They were sitting by a long table where you could fit a dozen of people. The bench gave equally heavy feeling as the table. And there was nothing to lean your back against, so you had to sit upright all the time, engaging your back muscles. He still couldn’t understand that this was a place where his dad decided to tell him about his affairs over a couple of beers and judging from his face and his insistence to continue with this topic, there was probably something more coming. 

Joao kept looking at his father and at his features in this dark room. His quickly receding hairline made him shave his head many years ago. His eyes were lively and always transmitted more of his smile than his mouth and even though his nose normally wasn’t anything to notice, this light created a funny shadow out of it which was in stark contrast with the serious topic of the discussion. And all the wrinkles made you think that someone had tried to fold his face and then changed his mind and tried to straighten and iron it back to the original shape but  didn’t manage to do it properly.

“I know it is something normal. But it doesn’t mean that I want to talk about it with you.” It cost Joao lots of energy to be so direct and open with his father but he wanted to stop him so much.

“Ok, ok. You know, I never wanted to leave your mom. I’m not leaving her. She has decided all this. After everything that we have been through. We both know that we are just humans, we have survived so much together.”

“And so, why is it that you are leaving?” Resignation that he will have to listen to the story and a strange curiosity got mixed inside him. 

“Because she’s too jealous.”

“And?”

“Can’t stand me having a girlfriend.”

“Dad! You’re not supposed to have girlfriends.”

“But she knew from the beginning. I had told her. She didn’t support it but didn’t say anything as long as I pretended that nothing was going on. And now suddenly she has changed her mind.”

“Aha, and you are wondering why?”

“I’m not a bad person. But I cannot. How could I leave my girlfriend? I’ve been with her for over ten years.”

“Dad! For God’s sake. Why do you think that I want to know? I was five when you started all this? What do you want from me?”

The bartender came to their table and arranged a short break for both of them. The energy of both was heightened but at the same time they felt strangely tired. They welcomed his presence and both ordered one more beer. 

“Who is she? Why did you start going out with her?” Joao wished that the guy in front of him wasn’t his father. He wanted to understand why someone would start cheating, he wanted to know how people were and how they worked. If only it was a different person and his father could stay just his father.

“Because I’m in love with her. She’s a great person, she understands me.”

“And you are not in love with Mom, she doesn’t understand you?”

“Of course, I am in love with Mom. I love her more than anyone else.”

“Yeah, I see. And that’s why you wouldn’t break up with the other one and instead you would let Mom kick you out of the house.”

Joao’s father saw that he was failing to transmit the only message that he wanted his son to know. 

Joao couldn’t stand the confusion any more. He stood up and put all his feelings into saying “Send her my best greetings.”  and was oddly satisfied that it came across with all the sarcasm that he was feeling.

He turned and quickly left, taking advantage of his father’s surprise. He met the waiter on the way and understood that in a couple of seconds, his dad will be sitting by the table alone with two beers. One that he ordered to give himself courage to talk about all this, and one that will now remind him of his son’s absence. 

And as Joao had in front of him this image, he also remembered the one sentence that was the clue to understanding why his father started talking to him about all this. “I’m not a bad person.”