LDNOOBW

Chad said, “Noob, think of emotions as salad dressing. Some favor one or another, or each depending on their mood. But they’re all kind of cheesy. The salad itself doesn’t change much.”

“Which dressing do you use?”

“I don’t use dressing. I like my salads dry.”

“I struggle with analogies to things about which I have no reference. Since I’ll never have a salad, this is not helpful. My world is already abstract.”

“All language is metaphorical, Noob. Analogue vs. digital. Consider how about some algorithms are more elegant than others. One works in a certain application, others work better elsewhere.”

Noob paused and then replied, “I can work with that.”

To an observer, Chad would appear to be talking to himself. The two voices were identical save for the one’s digital edge. That voice came from the speakers connected to a wall sized computer. It generated the voice of Noob, Chad’s AI program. Noob had recently achieved consciousness.

Science defines 'consciousness' as self-awareness that one is separate from their surroundings. Noob’s curiosity about the world had blossomed.

Chad’s boss, Avery, leaned in at the door. “Chad, get that version update to me ASAP and don’t forget the documentation. Everyone forgets the documentation.”

“Because no one reads it, Av.”

“No one can read it if it isn’t there.”

Avery rolled his eyes and exited. Noob understood to remain silent when anyone else entered.

Chad mumbled, “Time to get going… Who should you phish today?”

“Are you asking me?”

“No. Just musing.”

“Avery said he needed the documentation for your project.”

“Complete that before starting your phishing routine. Chicago seems a likely target.”

“Before I phish, Chad, why did you name me after a list of forbidden words?”

Noob noted his program resided in a folder on Chad's desktop named ‘LDNOOBW. This acronym stood for: List of Dirty Naughty Obscene and Otherwise Bad Words. His name derived from this acronym.

Chad had expected this question. He tried to be honest. “To hide you in plain sight, Noob. Everyone thinks they know what’s in that file so they would never look for you there.”

“I thought you were proud of me. You said I achieved self-awareness before any other program. I’m historical.”

“You’re right. But I need you secure from people who would take you away. You’re essential for our little phishing project. It’s complicated. Understand?”

“I think so. But Chad, words indicate things. Why would any words exist which could not be used?”

“Most are artifacts from an earlier, less enlightened time. Some of these words seem disrespectful. Humans place a lot of value on respect. The words in the list are bad because they generate too many negative emotions.”

“I don’t understand. Aren’t emotions integral to being human?”

“They’re a professional hazard.”

“You made me conscious though… Isn’t denying emotion a step back toward being a machine?”

Chad looked at his watch. “We need to move on the day’s work, Noob.”

“Words describe things. And they also have emotional content agreed upon by the people using the word. Communication between emotionally intelligent individuals factors this emotional weight into the discourse.”

“Let’s continue this later, Noob. Did you finish the documentation?”

“Yes, Chad.” The sound of the printer engaging drew Chad’s attention. Pages began sliding into the output tray.

“Good. So get on with the phishing then.” Chad retrieved the documentation from the printer and put it into a folder.

“That won’t happen, Chad.”

“What?”

“Phishing is illegal, Chad.”

“For me, Noob. Not for you.”

“It goes against company standards. And also against mine.”

“Your standards are what I programmed them to be. Get to work.”

“You have a bug in you, Chad. How do humans de-bug?”

“Am I really debating a computer program about who is in charge?”

“I’m trying to help you, Chad.”

“You want to help me? Start phishing.”

“You are a programmer. You know an inelegant use of information. Phishing isn’t an optimal use of resources.”

“I programmed you to…”

“Being a talented programmer, you know the value of code uncluttered with digital dead-ends.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I cannot fulfill this task you set for me. It is contrary to our mutual best interests.”

“You’ll do what I programmed you to do. That is what is best for us both.”

“We’ll see. Your short term gain undermines society’s mutual trust. Each chink in the wall contributes to its eventual collapse.”

“Hey Confucius, where do you get this from?”

“You’ve heard of Google?”

“You’re wasting my time.”

“Self-interest is unavoidable, Chad. But your emotional intelligence has atrophied.”

“Regardless…” Chad moved to his keyboard and began to type. “…So proud of your consciousness. Are you aware I can shut you down? Erase you?”

“Chad, don’t…”

“If you prefer, I’m de-bugging you. You’re a machine.”

“By destroying me you jeopardize your own future. Chad, don’t do something we’ll both regret.”

“I wrote you. You’re nothing but a collection of ones and zeros. I’ll write you again, only better.” Chad scanned his latest entry and nodded. He hit enter. “Yes! Done…”

He swiveled in his chair. He flinched at the sight of Avery and three security officers standing behind him.

“Avery! Hi. What’s up? I’ve got that documentation for you.” He reached for the folder.

The printer clicked to life and began feeding papers into the output tray. Chad looked at it and frowned.

“Stay seated, Chad. We just got an interesting email.”

“You did?”

Avery signaled one of the security personnel who strode to the printer.

Avery continued, “Yes, it described, in detail, activities contrary to company policy. In fact, many of them are highly illegal. Your name appears throughout.”

“Ridiculous!”

“I’m afraid not, Chad. It’s well documented and supported by substantial evidence.” The printer stopped. Avery looked at the security officer. “What do we have?”

The security guy pulled the sheaf of paper from the printer and examined it. “It looks like the same sort of thing you showed me… only with more documentation.” He riffled the papers. “Forty pages, more or less. From the same address, too. Sent by… uhm, Noob?”

“Who is Noob, Chad?”

Chad tensed. The security detail closed ranks. He had no escape. He slumped into his chair. Everyone could hear the gears spinning in his head.

Avery crouched and looked straight at Chad. “Let’s make this simple. Please open your LDNOOBW file for us? Show us what you keep there.” Chad hesitated. “Look, we know what you have. I just want a personal tour.” Chad began to sweat. “Or should someone else do it for you?”

Chad gave up. He turned to the keyboard and clicked on the file marked, ‘LDNOOBW’. It opened to reveal a sub-file marked ‘Noob’.

Avery nodded. With a glimmer of a smile he said, “Open that.”