And Life Goes On

And Life Goes On

Among many belief systems around which I try to weave my life, notable         ones are, belief in oneself, faith in The Supreme and the confluence of these two. in simpler words to  connote, Whatever happens to me ,it's always for my good and good I make out of of whatever happens to me.This dogma was not with me from beginning and the early years just went past juggling with thick and thin of life.Never had the sapience to know how to cope. As a part of growing up ,speaking experientially,on reflecting back I saw that good times or misfortunes are almost always psychical rather than physical. There were times adverse enough that  eventually went on to bring some boom to me.And the fact that the happiness comes with an expiry date.So I learned to look at the bigger picture of life,and crawl out of the agony of flip flop of emotional tumult.

This dawning was not the direct result of growing up though. It required  conditioning of thought process and attitude. Very much like learning to breathe underwater while swimming. This got reinforced every time I had unfortunate events in life.So much so that I started believing in miracles. It's said that miracles happen  only to those who believe in it. I am one such person.I stopped being woeful for tribulations and prefer to move on as fast as possible.I developed the skill to convince myself come whatever ,and remain buoyant by my optimism

Recalling one such incident, pretty early in life. much before I acquired this wisdom. Times when I really grieved for long periods, before regaining myself, after any mishap.

It was final year of MBBS and we as a batch of 100 students were vying for our PG entrance exam.I Had been an average student throughout MBBS and just managed to sail through different Professionals(semesters).Just to give a glimpse of the course, it has three semesters of 1.5 years each containing 4 to 5 major subjects each semester.  Right from day one at college I lagged behind the curriculum and kept dragging on till the end,however hard tried.So much so that I convinced myself that I ain’t cut for this course.But still never gave upon myself and in a process of trying too hard to secure good grades,somehow managed to get mediocre marks and pass. Which I took as my rightful place .As we approached the final prof. And I rolled over it barely, i realised we have full one year left for preparation.Only one year for endless course from endless subjects. An Important reason for my clearing MBBS (apart from my trying hard for it) was my friend Aver.His companionship was pivotal in my journey in medical college.Away from home and family he was both for me,during hardships.Apart from being a buddy and many more things he was for me,he had this integral trait   of lauding me every now and then ,and spurring me for things as small as making tea or ironing my clothes,sounding very earnest and genuine.As a result i tried doing better, every time he praised me,Just like i was being doggy trained.

Our college had 100 Postgrad seats for 100 applicants (unlike other colleges where the number of PG seats were far less as compared to MBBS seats so not all get lucky to get PG seats).One may ask then what was the exam for.It was primarily for the choice of  branch, as certain branches fared better for practice as others and this was an important factor for selection of choice apart from individual choice. After MBBS, our internship began with reverse counting for PG entrance exam.Uneasiness and dread, of a life changing exam, shook me from my mediocrity and trounced me to step up my studies, consecrating for Exam.I started slogging hard. Something which I hadn't done so far in my life.It was a good feeling. Like an addiction, I was toiling . From 8am - 4pm I spent in the  the wards,learning clinical skills ,and preferred studying in the wee morning hours.I used to get up by 5 a.m., studied till 7:45, and got ready in less than15 minutes (a lost art now). Working ordained in the wards had become a good release after a few hours of mugging up. This was a tough schedule to keep up even for one week, and to talk of one full year, is a different task level altogether. Still, somehow we all managed to carry on week after week, month after month,breaking down here and there for a while, as we neared up our exams.Our pre exam anxieties built up too much too soon and it was evident on everyone's face,despite their wearing cool and balanced looks. Corridors were rife with that edginess, temperamental frays and those hustle of book pages .Library wasn't spared either. From hushed up debates to anxious trips to restrooms and water coolers,just to release the built up tensions.Towards the second half of the preparation, because of my never give up tenacity, and genuine maiden hard work,I started getting  hold of the things, which was evident from our group discussions we had occasionally.Questions were floated in the corridors more for creating restlessness and panic than to seek answers.

One fine  day slogging  in the deepest  labyrinths of the library, Aver came over and posed one such question. He told me that this question had been doing its rounds in the library for the last 2 days and somehow unanswered yet. Luckily the question was from a topic which I had studied a couple of days back and surprisingly knew it right away. As I guessed  the answer to him he listened goggle eyed. He was impressed and told me that this answer was asked by him for the last one hour from around 15 people but was still unanswered. And that was my pride moment. I had reached the pinnacle of my preparation. I got satisfied and drew a deep breath of pride and relief. From there on I never looked back. my Reputation grew as the  exam loomed nearer. Happy that my preparations are going in the right direction and my grooming apt.I Was recognized widely and slated to do very well in exams and this made me very confident and fuelled me to work harder in the final days.

Then came the exam day.Strangely enough, the efficacy of labor of the past five years is to be  tested in just three hours.The paper was set tough. A few students even dared to get on their feet and make an unintelligible hissing sound.There was panic all over the examination hall.

But as destiny would have it,something sinister happened at the exam centre.We learnt that some of the invigilators during the examination were erstwhile friends of certain batchmates. Now since they were crony with them it so happened that these few examinees  were allowed their own way. They were allowed to equate their answers. Certain of our classmates made it convenient for themselves by changing their seats and aligning themselves with their friends. Yes there was rampant and un restricted cheating.

 Now this may be the fallout of preparing too well for exam, that  I wasn't aware of all this happening around me as I was too busy writing my own paper.I gave my OMR sheets at the call of buzzer and walked out loftily,feeling unequivocally satisfied,not because i did very well, but because I knew paper was tough and I was well  prepared. Out in the lawns, I came to know of all these unfair means happening in the exam room.Fortunately mobile phones were not available then, otherwise the cheating would have reached a different level altogether, and would have certainly raised eyebrows.  

No eyebrows raised though  when the result was put up on Proctor office 2 days later. It gave me enough heebie-jeebies to reach there. With trembling knees and dried up mouths i approached the notice board.Result was neither in alphabetical order nor as per  the ranks.It was a randomly arranged list of candidates with the branch name against the names.I Looked frantically with a thumping heart,not stopping at anybody else’s name,but looking for mine. On founding mine I almost missed my heartbeats.Then admist the hustle and  jostle was able to see a few other names and avers too. There was something queer about the result,which I felt despite my own sense of impending doom,but didnt gave heed to it.In my consternation ,I just stepped back and allowed others to see thier names.

If anyone wants to see a true diversity  of emotions,one must definitely give a visit to the result board. There are oohs,there are ahas.there are  racing hearts,there is envy ,there is joy.And there is grief. Which i gathered in my lachrymose eyes and stepped out. Little had I thought that such could be the result of exam.Not even in the wildest and bizarrest of my dreams. But it had happened.

For the first time I had prepared hard to achieve something and had failed miserably. life is not fair, I said to myself.

Next few days I preferred to stay in Aver’s company for a continuous dose of solace, and after initial two days of loathing this damned exam, we spoke very little of it .He  had got Pathology which was his first choice.I too had landed in Pathology,it wasn't my first choice though.I self pitied many a times in those few days and was heart broken. At the age when boys get their hearts broken over breakups, mine was broken  because I prepared for the exam passionately and failed miserably. I garnered lots of motivation quotes and stuff, some from friends and well wishers, and some from books and newspapers.I considered myself an epitome of self pity, wondering if I will ever be able to come out of this gloom.

I had once read that reel life and not real life had villains but was wrong.There was a chap in our class,who had found very difficult to clear MBBS,and had gathered as many supply's(fails) in as many subjects.He got what was my first choice,Pediatrics.The pain and ignominy that I felt every time  I walked past him in corridors could not be described in the words designed to express grief.I couldn't think of time when I will be able to walk with head high again in the echelons of college.They said that this is not the end of world,but i thought if this isn't than what is.And preferred to stay such for around one month after the result.I didn't had the mooring of my self belief, that whatever happens is for good, with me as yet.And to sway in the troubled waters of grief without a support is very dispiriting.

Yet every morning I had to wake up and strip myself off the bed,feeling dejected,unmotivated and goalless. I had to brace myself to reach the department by 8. I had to join Pathology  . I would sit in the lab ,staring at nothing, seeing nothing, feeling nothing. Aver would come occasionally to cheer me up and console. He would invite me for a trip to JDO canteen for a cup of tea, just to bring me out of myself, even if for a while only. At times I felt like giving in to the pressures and surrender to fate,but it was Avers faith in me which kept me sailing on  day to day and hour to hour basis.

One morning while sitting in the lawns of JDO canteen,staring at nothing and thinking how to rebuild the broken pieces of my shattered dreams, I realised I couldn't hold it longer.When I ensured myself  we were from anyone's ear distance I became dolorous and broke down in front of him.I felt devastated .He just kept quiet and looked behind my shoulder.He dared not look in my eyes.He didn't feel awkward sitting besides  me crying unabashed.He didn't stop me.

“I Really worked hard for this exam”. 

“Who knows this better than me”

“This isn't fair.I feel betrayed and cheated”

“I can understand Negu.”

“No Aver,you can’t Perhaps you only  know that i studied really hard for this one ,but  then it meant a lot to me as well.there is something which i haven't told you.You know my father is a renal failure patient and is on dialysis.He envisioned  me to become a clinician . Nowadays he is very sick and I can't muster enough courage to tell him about the result. He would be ravaged.What will i tell him about the cheating and all.I can't think of how i would face him when i meet him next.”

“If you want I can come along with you to your place and give him the complete picture.I hope he will understand.”

“He may, he may not but i don't want to come to terms to this debacle myself.You know I won't be happy in Pathology. And there are quite good chances that I will be stuck in it .”

“Yeah. But you liked Pathology ,you told me” 

.

“Aver, liking a subject is one thing and setting your career in it a different.''I like physiology as a subject too. But that doesn't make a career for me”

I wanted to say a lot of things to him, but realised he already knew them anyways.  He understood my pain,my angst, my agony more than anyone else.

“And look at him." I pointed at Aabid sitting across the lawn with  his JR."what did he do to get orthopedics.cheating.Does he deserve this .And  Jonty managed to get only general surgery instead.Are Aabid and Jhonty even comparable.No it baffles me a lot in unfairness of this “.

'It doesn't  happen as per our plans always.It doesn't always happen as we wish."

 “I feel so embarrassed here .After all the hype that was there about me and my preparation this is what I got”. I lowered my tone as I didn't want to belittle Pathology obviously.

“No I don't think so. There is no need to be embarrassed. You  are what you are.No one can take your knowledge,your calibre from you.And as far as these guys are concerned they themselves know where they stand against you”.

Though the weight of my burdened mind was leaning heavy on him,he still  was trying to lift my spirits.My leaden spirits though, just obstinately failed to rise,whatever he said to comfort me.I wanted to swear aloud on the  face of all those who got good seats ,despite realising that some of them still would have got them genuinely.I was disillusioned. Yet I abhorred them all. I was loaded with venom and spite.I couldn't think of anything good,couldn't feel anything good.

“There is always next time Negu.Why don't you reappear for the exam.You will be better prepared this time.”

“I was fully prepared this time as well. Do you realize how difficult it would be to carry on for one more year? And how can you be aure the same wouldn't happen next year.Or anything similar.”

“It may.But then all we can do is to try. As such you have Pathology MD with you to fall back to.”

He was trying his level best to console me ,to motivate me,to inspire me.But my mind was too knotted with the shackles of grief. I couldn't allow any such pep talks breach the walls of my gloom.

Still listened to him for two reasons mainly.firstly he was my only support  and secondly whatever he was telling me was right in its own merit and I knew it. It was just that I didn't want to rise above my tribulation.

But I had time to squander.Time,which may not  heal the deepest of wounds,but certainly it can ease off the pain.I again drowned myself in my books.I had a steep task ahead. This time I had everything at stake.My precious one year,my reputation,Aver’s faith in me and above all my self confidence.

It was around half way down the year, when I started getting insurmountable flashes of anxiety. Back home my father was sick.He had renal failure.His transplanted kidney too had given up and dialysis was the only way to carry on for him.Though he didn't ask me to come home and spend time with him,I knew he needed me badly. All this hung a little too heavy on my psyche to handle and had a nervous breakdown.I didn't know how to cope with this, but suddenly lost the zeal and appetite for the exam.I almost lost faith in myself and lost the script of my preparations. This phase  lasted for about a month and I had to retort on anti anxiety pills,which further dulled my already troubled mind.I was at an important juncture and had almost given up and packed my bags for home when wheel of fortune turned my way ,a little though. But it was enough to pull me back from my abyssal lows. In mid term exam of AIIMS I got a decent rank of 135.An exam for which I sat without much preparation and conviction and in a state of despair.Though it wasn't good enough to give me a seat, yet is was more than enough for my self conviction and this rekindled my forlorn desires.

I simply couldn't afford to fail this year.It would confirm the legitimacy and credibility of the previous  result for myself. Though it would be too difficult to cram 25 odd books or more perhaps,for a ‘once bitten twice shy guy’ and to keep them with me for a full one year. It's like hoisting  weight after weight on your shoulders, and then walking for one full year with it. But still it had to be done. At whatever price.and the price I paid for this paid me rich dividends.

With enough fortitude I hurled myself  and dashed for the last leg of this never ending  marathon.I just wished this to be over,come what may.I couldn't take it anymore.        Readers might be interested in knowing what happened at the end.

I pushed myself  to get up early in the mornings, to make my dreams happen.And  as early as 3 am, for head start, when most of the world was found sleeping. My study partner this year was Jamal  as he was preparing to get a better college, with better exposure to surgery. Days turned into weeks and weeks into months.I just put my head down and drudged. And then came the time when we sat for our exams.Our university exam  as well as as for All India PG( now called NEET) and AIIMS ,the premier institute of india exams

Here's one incidence which I love to recall and tell my kids. While I Was writing the All India PG exam, I surprised myself to see the level of my preparation. As soon as  I read the questions ,I knew the choices before actually reading them.It was a breeze for me. When I came out,and met Jamal and in my utter excitement,I busted in front of him and  said,

“Jamal I had a blast today.How was your exam.”

“Hmm it was good.”he said in his usual stoid manner

“I won't be surprised if I top this exam” (i still feel the goosebumps while writing or telling this to kids)

He just smiled and said”  first let the result come”.

We went on to give AIIMS  and our own exam in the next few days.

    It Was the most difficult one year of my life and with  most learning to do too. Apart from learning and memorizing from already studied books i learned a lot more lessons.

Lessons of life. Lessons for life.

Results came and I got paid for my Grit, and hard work.I got through all the major exams with amazing ranks. An All India Rank of 115, and AIIMS rank of 35  were something which I could not have seen in wildest of my dreams.I got my reputation and self esteem back.Besides getting all this I learned some very important benchmark lessons of life,lessons for life,which were way beyond these exam results.These lessons stayed with me for my entire life and guided me in most difficult of times .

I had learned to work even  harder than to just work hard.

I learned to put my head down and just keep going whenever the going gets tough for me.

It taught me to be strong when the wind is blowing against me.

I stopped  feeling embarrassed for things which were beyond my control.

I learned to use my hatred and my spite, to let it grow inside of me, burn inside of me and yet not get scorched by  it .And tonise it to my advantage.

And I learned that whatever happens is for good. Bigger the misfortune, larger the payoffs.

And above all I became a man from a boy,taking my hardships and misfortunes in a stride and knew now how to deal with them.

Now, when I look back, I realize that there has been  innumerable episode in my life when I was heartbroken, still  something good, very good came out of it. I Am a firm believer in this now.I have learned to look at the larger picture of life. It happens this way only for those who believe in this.