My personal angel

When you’re born, it’s not like you have a blueprint of how you’re life is supposed to go. Loving parents or not, no one truly has any of this “life” thing figured out. That doesn’t necessarily mean the thought of me having some sort of “life” disadvantage hasn’t crossed my mind. 

Do I psyche myself into thinking it is okay? All the time. Is it though? No. 

As soon as I grew conscious of my actions and the people around me it was like I was entirely unable to know what I wanted, but the outcome of every choice was unfulfilling. Every choice I was given did not suit my needs but I didn’t even know what I needed. Apparently, that’s what happens when you grow up around highly controlling people, never truly getting to develop a personality or healthy habits. Read that in a book once. 

I was in high school when I realized this wasn’t normal—outside point of view and all. 

Growing up with social anxiety could drive anyone nuts, especially at the ripe age of ten trying to make new friends. 

“Hey! You new here?” The voice belonged to a lively, tall, brunette girl with a few pink extensions in her hair. She was pretty and loud hence very intimidating given that I was in fact fresh meat in this school. 

Instead of answering, however, I stayed frozen in place and gave a faint nod. Eye contact was foreign to me so there was a slim chance she even registered my response. Her friends approaching us from the cafeteria started to call her over, saying “the quiet kid is a lost cause anyway”. Maybe I was, but they don’t know that. I wish my eyes weren’t as pleading as they were that day, but her silent judgment made me feel so pathetic. 

The urge to prove them wrong did not outweigh the sheer fear that swept through my body from feeling so small in front of her. 

The lack of speaking on my part and the viral impatience that plagued this school truly made my days, living hell. 

“Why didn’t you do your homework huh?” Silence followed with mouth gaping slightly to no avail. “I don’t wanna hear your excuses. Paper in tomorrow, kid.”

“Who do you want to team up with?” Silence, a complete lack of confidence, and just the general feeling of wanting to disappear. “Alright, you’re with Jake and Nia then.” Jake was obnoxious and gave me anxiety when it came to any PE activity. Nia was terrifyingly good at everything which made me want to not be a burden on the team. So yes there were better options in this situation but I didn’t have the guts to object. Who was I to choose who I wanted to team up with anyway? It’d be easier on everyone, even the outcasts, if all teams were assigned to us I think. I don’t know. Having to make a choice was not my thing I guess. 

Being alone was great though. Aside from the loneliness that crept up from time to time, I must say it was pretty neat. The one-hour window between one hell and another was what got me through most things. 

Most of the time I’d try to keep out of my family’s way. But there are unfortunate occasions where I had to endure the craziness of being yelled at or told off about something I haven’t even done. Now being the way I am, I just stand there and take it, ‘cause if I say something, suddenly I’m “disrespectful”, “talking back” and “being difficult” which to me is bogus; but I can’t say that. 

The next time someone came up to me at school unprovoked was a guy wanting to be nice and invite me to a party around the end of junior year.

I know him I’d say. A side effect of being so quiet and insecure constantly is that I got significantly more observant hence I know a lot more about people than what they might think. Not in a creepy way of course, but on some occasions I’d overhear something, and it would get filed away because I have quite the memory. 

So yes, this guy was trying to be nice and I appreciated that. 

Thinking about it in hindsight, he was kind of brave for wanting to invite me. Now why I think that, is because this guy treated strangers like aliens or something. If he didn’t know you, he’d be super weird around you, almost acting like you can’t understand him. Like he’s the most intelligent one in the room without flat out treating you like you’re dumb. He also holds this constant air of passive-aggressiveness that a lot of people think is rude. Just like I’m not good with people in general, he’s terrible with strangers. 

When he came to me with an invitation, I took it and watched him leave, fidgeting with the ring around his thumb. He had dazzling features, a nice frame, and impeccable style for someone in junior high. We didn’t have any classes together but he was around his friends who I shared classes with a lot for me to not know who he was. 

I don’t know if someone told him I kept stealing glances or not, because why would the guy talk to me in the first place. I never played in the school soccer team, or basketball team, nor did I run track. Despite that, I wasn’t completely antisocial. I was around people all the time, just doing my own thing to not draw attention to myself. It worked for the most part since I narrowly avoided meetings with the school shrink. 

Somehow, my sister got a whiff of the party and that I was invited and oh-so-dearly told our mother about it. I never went anywhere, but that day, I had enough and went anyway. It was a fifteen-minute walk, and I wasn’t planning on staying for that long; I just wanted to go. 

Did it give me an almost crippling sense of anxiety walking out of the house? Yes. Was there anyone there to stop me? Thankfully not. The walk felt nice. What also felt nice was the knowledge of finally giving my mother something to actually yell at me for. Quite the rebellious moment if you ask me, but I refused to tell her off so the option to just leave without my family knowing seemed to be the best one. No confrontation, just the way I like things. 

Walking into a fairly packed house I tried to find the guy who got me here. The looks aimed my way were enough to make me turn my head and walk right out of there. It freakishly resembled a few of the nightmares I had at the time, making my chest feel tight and my feet feel heavy. 

I didn’t dare to ask around for him so I had to walk around for a while before I found him on the upper level of the house leaning over the balcony edge with a drink in his hand. Ring ever so present on his finger but now his body was adorned with a cream white silk button-up and black slacks. Pretty, with the light from the pool softly lighting his features up in the otherwise dark surroundings. 

Finding him alone was a relief, unlike anything I’ve ever felt before. The chance to talk to someone without another person talking over me was rare. And it was quiet in there. The general aura was inviting too, so I slowly made my way over to stand next to him and look over the backyard and the people playing in the pool below us. 

To say he was surprised to see me wouldn’t be too far-fetched. I could see a smile tug at his lips while a soft scoff in disbelief left them. It was hard to resist a smile of my own, however. The feeling of proving someone wrong was nice. Felt like a pat on the back on the way to personal growth. 

He brought up a hand to greet me and we exchanged a casual dap-up; very shyly on my part. 

“Didn’t think you’d have the guts to be here,” he’d said honestly.

“I know that.” I’m not stupid. I know what’s expected of me on a daily, and this was very unlike me. 

“So… you like me or something?” 

The question took me by surprise, I’m not gonna lie. I hated it. My mind was very loud, voicing responses I’d never say out loud on a normal day, but a refreshing gust of boldness came over me.

“And if I did?” Now, I couldn’t look at him fully, but stealing a glance out of curiosity for his reaction, I saw that the smile never left his lips but his eyebrows did shoot up in yet another surprised expression at my out-of-line actions. 

“Don’t you think it’s even a little bit weird?”

“Not really, no.” I was being honest. This is the most “myself” I’ve ever been in anyone’s presence. But liking him wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world. 

“Ever been with a guy before?” At this point I was just thinking “what is this guy on about?” but he was not coming off as rude or condescending as he did with most strangers so I decided to ride the wave for a little longer. My nerves hadn’t caught up to me just yet. 

“I don’t even have friends,” I decide to say. It should’ve been common knowledge to him. 

“Fair enough.” He fell quiet as he handed me his cup. I waved it off politely. 

“I wasn’t planning on staying too long.”

“Too bad.”

“Why’s that?” 

“I just found out you like me- well, kind of, so I thought I’d get to know you some more.” He had started to act more bashful which I found strange. No one ever did that around me. 

“You really think you’d wanna be in any kind of relationship with me? Let alone a romantic one?” 

“Wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world,” he said, turning towards me fully. My heart had dropped a little. All my life I had seen myself as nothing but an extremely self-loathing lost cause. For someone to be willing to pursue anything with me was scary. On second thought, I genuinely thought that it would be the worst thing in the world for him. A waste of time even. 

“It really would though,” I answered feeling defeated, letting my head hang low in shame. I should’ve left right there and then. 

It was hard to tell if he could sense my discomfort, mostly because I didn’t want to look at him, but a hand stroked my shoulders in a comforting manner. 

“I have to ask if you’ve ever been with a guy before,” I say hesitantly. He was single. That much I knew, but not much else, and curiosity had gotten the better of me.

“Oh, so you’re interested?” He asked a little amused. 

“Are you?” I hate confrontation but I really couldn’t help myself so I looked up at him waiting for a response. 

“And if I was?” A playful smirk spreads on his face. 

“Then… I… would be… too?”

“Is that a question?” he chuckled softly. 

“No! No. I- I would, seriously.” 

“Cool.”

“You’re so weird,” I scoffed out, not fully believing this conversation was actually happening. It was like a fragment of my imagination came to life in the strangest way. 

“Says who exactly? I might not know you at all but it felt like you’re the one who went off script here, pretty,” he chuckled. Making me let out yet another unamused scoff.

“Stop playin’, I’m serious.”

“So am I.”

“Get outta here.”

“It’s my house.”

“Shut up.”

“Do you want me to?” Man… “You’ve kept yourself really small since you first started which is something I found out from my friends. But I feel like I wouldn’t be able to talk to you in school if we became a thing after I take your cute self on a few dates.” Jesus, this guy.

“We wouldn’t be the first ones,” I said, starting to get a little frustrated at the new topic. Why did people have the disgusting behavior of getting into others’ business that had nothing to do with them? 

“I know that.”

“So?”

“I wouldn’t want to put that pressure on you.” 

“I can handle myself.” Oh, wow. That was a complete lie. However, I was thankful he didn’t call me out on it. 

The remainder of the night had been interesting. It was his party but most of it he had spent with me on that balcony. He had me talking about myself which was something I never got the chance to do and to begin with he treated me like a friend. 

I couldn’t get close to his friend group because they were all loud and intimidating, making me feel small. I would just be on my phone when they were talking. I felt guilty about it every day, but he made sure to tell me he didn’t mind it, in turn calming any uncertainty brewing inside me. He was like an angel sent to help out in life since the Universe must’ve taken pity on me. 

Reality was still a thing and we were not the couple who would change the world overnight. 

Rumors were spread in school like the water from a broken dam once senior year started. My sister ended up ratting me out again and it was not the first time I cried myself to sleep. Not out of sadness, but out of brutal anger and frustration. No one was certain about anything when it came to what sort of relationship I had but for my family to say they “always knew I was on the wrong path in life” was awful. That I needed “help” and made me feel like there was something horribly wrong with me? That I was sick and needed to be cured? That I was some sort of puppet of the devil? Needless to say, I was reaching a psychological rock bottom that day, but there was not a single part of me that wanted to stop what I had going on with my angel. Not one. The rest of the world could go to hell for all I cared. 

The following day, I went to school like usual. Keeping to myself like always. Things stayed true to routine until I spotted my guy and made my way to him with uncharacteristic courage. 

“Hey,” I greeted him timidly. The smile he gave me could rival the sun in brightness but it was nothing compared to the comfort I felt when he intertwined our fingers. 

“Hello,” he said softly, and oh how I wished we were alone.

“I’m gonna kiss you, is that cool?”

“Why would I say no to that, love?” 

“Because we’re at school, in public with people who are going to talk,” I laughed humorlessly. 

“I really couldn’t care less. Why so suddenly?”

“I’m sick of caring?”

“Then go for it, you know I got you.” I did know that. To control what people knew and didn’t was an addictive sort of power but it could never truly be real. However, not letting outside opinions control what I felt about myself was a power that would last me a lifetime. 

So I kissed him in the hallway with a complete lack of care for the gasps of air I could hear all around me. And my angel kissed me back with love, reassurance, and passion that made me feel like we were floating in clouds. 

Yeah, no, because after that? I refused to live in a mental prison keeping me from voicing my own opinions and needs, especially in front of my family. I made sure I was valued in my own home and the second it got overwhelming, I could seek comfort from my favorite person. 

Life is still a mystery and to work on my damaged self-image was hell but worth it nonetheless. The most important thing was to see the light at the end of the tunnel and make sure no meaningless comment distracted me. I had had enough of all that.