Alone

Living in the city that people often refer to as, "The Greatest City in the World," is not all it's cracked up to be. New York City may be the center of the universe for some people, but for me, it is crowded and uncomfortable. Maybe it’s because I feel so alone in this city of billions. I thought I could find a way to fit in here. I thought I'd have a friend. Instead, I have Bob. 

"Melissa! Wait up! It's me, Bob!" I hear him yelling, clearly out of breath trying to run to catch up to me. 

It is freezing tonight, and I do not feel like talking to him, but how can I avoid him. "It's too cold to stop now Bob!" I yell back at him while continuing down the street. I pick up the pace, maybe I can lose him. 

"Why the rush?" Bob is by my side, out of breath, but matching my pace. 

I try not to roll my eyes, "It's cold!" 

"You moved here willingly," he jokes. 

"I clearly did not know what I was signing up for." 

"Want to grab a quick coffee around the corner?" Bob asks, "Take a breather and warm up?" 

"I really should get home." 

"Coffee is on me. Come on, I know you love a hot coffee from Dunkin Donuts!" Bob pleads, "French Vanilla, extra cream, extra hot." 

I look at him out of the corner of my eye, annoyed because I know he is right. "Fine, but I cannot stay long." 

Bob takes the lead, happily walking ahead of me. I can feel myself roll my eyes. I'm thankful to have someone to talk to, but with Bob I feel almost as alone as I do standing in the middle of time square.  

"After you," Bob says while motioning for me to go, while he pulls open the door for me.  

"Thanks," I reply while rushing in through the door. It does not feel any warmer inside the store then it did outside. I approach the counter with Bob behind me. 

The young man behind the counter walks over to greet us, "Thanks for running on Dunkin, what can I get started for you tonight?" 

"I'll have a large hot coffee, french vanilla swirl, extra cream, no sugar." 

Bob steps in almost interrupting, "And I'll have a large hot black." 

The young man rings up the coffees and scans Bob's mobile app before stepping away to prepare them. Bob motioned to a table, the one furthest from the drafty doorway. I nod and head over to the table.  

As I slid onto the bench seat, I find myself staring out the window at all the people passing by. I feel my mood begin to sink further. How are there so many happy people milling about the city? How can I feel so lonely in a city full of people? Maybe it’s because I am constantly surrounded by people, with no one to connect with.  

"Here you are," Bob interrupts my thoughts, pulling me back to reality. 

"Thanks," I say, reaching for the coffee and wrapping my cold fingers around the warm paper cup. Thank goodness Dunkin got rid of those awful Styrofoam cups, so bad for the environment. Plus, through the thick paper cups, my fingers can feel the warmth of the hot coffee inside. 

"What were you thinking about?" Bob questioned. 

"Death," I answer, trying to keep a straight serious face. After I see Bob's face change to genuine worry, I lose it and laugh, "I'm just kidding." 

"Oh... yeah... I knew you were kidding with me," Bob replies, trying to play off the worry on his face. 

"I'm just homesick is all. The city is not what I expected it to be." 

"What isn't up to your expectation?" 

"I'm lonely in a city full of people," I reply looking away from Bob. I feel bad because I think Bob has some serious feelings for me, feelings I could never return. I won't be around long enough to ever grow my feelings to a level he would expect to be happy. 

"Maybe you're looking in the wrong place?" 

"Maybe I'm looking in the wrong city." 

An awkward silence settles between us. I continue to sip my coffee fast, without burning my tongue. As soon as I take the final sip, I know I have to escape this awkward silence, "I really need to get going." 

"Oh, right," Bob says, standing to walk me out. 

"Thank you for the coffee, I needed the warm up." We stand there awkwardly for a moment. Bob clearly does not know what to say. I don't know how to really say goodbye to him. How do I close out this relationship with the least amount of pain possible for him? "You're the only person in the city that I ever truly met. Don't forget that I appreciated it, every moment you tried to make the city a better place for me." 

"Why does that sound like a goodbye? Are you moving back?" 

"Maybe. Something like that," are the only words that come to mind. 

"Let me know when you decide. I'll be around if you need anything. To talk, or to help you pack. Anything, just name it." 

"Thanks Bob. I'll let you know," I smile shyly and head to the door. Before pushing the door open, I pause to take one more look back. Maybe I could have made a life with Bob, if I just had half the joy in life that he does. I smile one last time and walk out the door. 

It feels much colder than before. Maybe the coffee wasn't the best idea. Thankfully I am only two blocks from home. 

Upon arrival at my door, I pause for a moment before entering the apartment. I unlock the door and take a long look around before turning the handle. As I open the door and step over the threshold, I take a deep breath. I feel a slight pull of anxiety hanging on every thought. 

Am I making the right decision? Should I stay? After several moments standing just inside the threshold, I shake my head and remember this decision was not made lightly. I've been over this for weeks. I've made pros and cons lists. I've listed who it would affect other than myself, both in the city and back home. I've made a list of debts and loans. I've made lists of people I would need to apologize to, of those I'd have high hopes for.  

In reality, I am not leaving much behind. I have no family, no pets, and clearly no real friendships worth writing home about. My parents passed before I decided to move to the city, and my only sibling ran away before I was old enough to really remember her. Though, no one ever really knew if she ran away or was kidnapped. Now I'll never know for sure. Not like anyone ever tried to investigate it either. Kidnapping wasn't as big of a deal in the 80's as it is in today's world. 

No. This is what I need. This is the right decision. No turning back. No mistakes. I just have one last thing to do. Write out this letter I have been drafting in my head for days. 

To whom it may concern, 

This is not an easy letter to write. I know I have made some bad choices over the years, but this feels like the best decision I have made in my entire life. I did not make this decision lightly. In fact, you can see through my weeks of planning and note taking, that I did extensive research before deciding to make this move, to take this step. I have no one to leave behind. My family is gone, in one way or another, and other then some basic debt, I have little to nothing to leave behind. I am sorry to break my lease in such a horrific way. I know it is not fair to anyone in this building, but it seems the best way to go. I thought I could love this city, and learn to love myself. Instead I fell into a large pit of loneliness. How could I feel so lonely in such a busy city? I wish I could answer that question and give you more closure, but I cannot.  

To Bob, the only real person I ever knew in this city: I am sorry to leave you alone in this cold city. I never felt anything but cold, even in the sunshine. This city was a mistake.  

Sincerely, 

Melissa Clarke