All-Spites Cake

Hi, everyone! Welcome to my cooking channel! 

I’m really thrilled to share with you today a recipe from my latest best-selling cookbook. 

The Intolerant Cook: A Worldwide Guide to Bad Taste is available wherever fine books are sold.

Today, we’re going to make All-Spites Cake. Also called Eternity Cake, this recipe has won praises and prizes in hundreds of contests. It’s easy to make and deserves a place on your table. I can guarantee that everyone will adore it, even babies and picky eaters. Those with allergies can breathe a sigh of relief, too. No problem, although you may want to start with a small portion, as a few of the spices may be unusual at first.  

A special feature of this recipe is that you probably already have all the ingredients. No shopping needed!

Okay! Let’s get going. 

Step 1

Preheat oven to very hot: 450F, 220C, Gas Mark 6 or 7. 

Choose a dish suitable for use in both the oven and freezer. I recommend Time-Lapse Fireproof Ceramics, but just use what you have. Just remember: no plastic! We don’t want any meltdowns unless it’s chocolate icing, right? 

Line the dish with baking paper.

Step 2

In a large bowl, combine: 

- 1 cup of Fat - chewed over in conversation, fried and washed to eliminate salt. (Even a pinch of salt will distort the flavor and cause the cake to fall.)

  - 2 cups of Flour. If desired, you can use Nettle Flour (available in health stores).

- ⅓ cup of finely-ground Entitlement. Self-Pity can be substitued if needed.

Using a wooden spoon, blend together:

- 3 Tbsp of your leavening agent. This will make the dough rise. 

If you want a fast-rising cake, use baking powder. 

For the long-rise cake (recommended) use an equivalent amount of yeast. Yeast is longer-lasting and can survive the freezing process (see below) so that’s what most people prefer.

Add

- ¼ cup raisins or other fruits for babies or fussy eaters (optional)

- ⅓ cup Sugar or Honey or Agave - preferably sickeningly sweet

Mix thoroughly, crushing any resistant or lumpy bits with the back of the spoon.

Step 3

Now it’s your chance to show your creativity!

Add at least three different spices from the list below. 

—> Pro tip: Some cooks use up to 10 - 15 spices. However, unless carefully balanced, tastes may blur. Remember to taste as you go.

Here are some time-honored favorites to get your imagination going:

- ½ tsp dried Acrimony

- ⅓ tsp semi-sweet Revenge (fresh or powdered) One of my faves!

- 1 Tbsp simmered Bottled-Up Resentment. Bring to a boil. Chill before adding. 

- 1 tsp Sand or Earth— cook’s favorite. Adds gritty texture, sharpens teeth!

- 1 ½ tsp Jealousy — fresh is best. Long-lasting flash-frozen varieties available.

- 2 drops Hatred essence— the distilled version does wonders.

- ¼ tsp Guilt — temporarily disguises bitterness

- 1 Tbsp Grievance - preserved varieties in many flavors are widely available

- 2 Tbsp frozen Time. (Note: do not confuse this with the herb, thyme.) 

- 1 Tbsp Willful Ignorance. Blissful Ignorance can be substituted, if necessary.

Note: Don’t see your favorite? Go ahead and follow your instincts. The sky’s the limit!

Step 4

Add the liquids: 

- ⅔ cup sour milk. (This will make a nice explosive mix with your leavening agent - especially if using baking powder. )

- Juice of one lip-curling lemon 

- ⅓ cup of Extra Virgin Hypocrisy Oil. EVHO is essential! This is where you get that satisfying and addictive umami flavor that makes everyone yearn for more. Yum!

Mix thoroughly and pour into the cake pan. Let rise until double in bulk.

Step 5

Bake for 45 minutes, preferably with a hot air or fan function. Take a look after 30 minutes. The cake is done when it is hard and thoroughly charred. 

Cool slightly. 

Step 6

Wrap tightly and freeze. Lasts indefinitely if not opened. 

Serving Suggestions: 

All-Spites Cake can be served hot or cold. Its rich satisfying flavor makes it suitable for any event — or just because. Once you try it, you’ll find a thousand excuses to serve it again. 

To Serve Hot: Using a heavy cleaver, cut very thin slices, spread with Inflammatory Oration and bake for 10 minutes in a fan-oven or toaster. Top with passion-fruit. Do not allow to cool. Serve immediately.

To Serve Cold: Use an ice-pick to chip off blocks of frozen cake for each serving. Grate the block of cake over frozen Stew-In-Your-Own-Juice ice cream or Bitter Gall gelato. For a spectacular finish, flambé at the table. Yum! 

—> Pro tip: Running out of All-Spites Cake? just cut whatever remains into small pieces, add water, and bring to the boil. Reduce heat, add yeast or additional baking powder, and simmer for half an hour. The cake will expand and can be refrozen. One batch can last indefinitely — almost for Eternity!

Note: Please help save the environment. Dispose of any unwanted All-Spites Cake remains in your local dangerous products disposal center. If unavailable, you can bury the contents in a deep hole. Six feet is the minimum recommended depth.

Be sure to tell me about your favorite All-Spites Cake variation in the Comments section below. 

Remember to subscribe for new recipes every week. Enjoy!

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Please note: Comments are subject to review. Any use of moderate or optimistic language will result in being blocked. 

BradXT (Top Fan) : Made the recipe as described, and loved it. Next time I’ll double the Bottled-Up Resentment. Otherwise, the taste doesn’t really come through. 

Sybilfromdelphi: Flambéd this at the table. What a treat! My guests loved it! Singed the curtains but totally worth it! Will definitely make this again as soon as I clean the soot off the walls. Thanks a gazillion!

PassionateEater102: Am I the only one who found this cake too bland? I mean, I was expecting a raise-the-roof kind of eating experience and this was just so ordinary! Sorry, but I’m going back to my mom’s Buried-Hatred Root pie. She knew how to cook. Obviously, you need lessons.

1 Reply from BradXT: Man, oh, man. I had forgotten how good Buried-Hatred Root Pie is. Gonna make it myself. I use a mix of roots, lots of Bottled-Up Resentment and add a big handful of jalapeños at the end. Thanks for the reminder, PassionateEater102. You’re my kinda guy. Or girl? 

1 Reply from PassionateEater102:  Who’re you calling a guy? or a girl? Meetup needed. Bring your fists, man. If you are one.

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