DEFCON 1: Sourdough

Mom - Today 8:32 AM

Honey! I started that sourdough starter you wanted. Named him Gerald. He’s ready for pickup! 🍞

Me - Today 8:35 AM

Why did you name the bacteria colony Gerald?

Mom - Today 8:36 AM

Because he’s got character! He’s so bubbly when I fed him this morning!

Me - Today 8:37 AM

That’s literally just fermentation, Mom. It’s cellular respiration.

Mom - Today 8:38 AM

Don’t lecture me, Professor Yeast. Gerald’s special.

Me - Today 8:40 AM

Fine. I’ll pick him up after work. How hard can sourdough maintenance be?

Mom - Today 8:41 AM

Famous last words, sweetheart. 😘

***

Me - Today 6:15 PM

Gerald acquisition complete. He’s… more aggressive than expected. The jar is making concerning bubbling sounds.

Mom - Today 6:20 PM

That means he’s settling in! Did you feed him?

Me - Today 6:21 PM

Define feed. I may have applied a “more is better” philosophy without considering exponential growth.

Mom - Today 6:22 PM

How much flour did you give him?

Me - Today 6:23 PM

Enough to avoid a famine. An… impressive quantity.

Mom - Today 6:25 PM

Oh honey, what did you do?

***

Me - Today 8:45 PM

Gerald status update: he’s expanding rapidly. The jar lid is under severe structural stress.

Best Friend Sarah - Today 8:46 PM

Are you live-tweeting your bread bacteria?

Me - Today 8:47 PM

Sarah, Gerald has entered the “hostile takeover” phase.

Sarah - Today 8:48 PM

It’s just yeast. Calm down.

Me - Today 8:50 PM

I gave him too much to eat. He’s responding like a conqueror.

Sarah - Today 8:52 PM

You’re out of your mind. Go to bed.

***

Me - Today 11:30 PM

DEFCON 1. GERALD HAS BREACHED CONTAINMENT.

Me - Today 11:31 PM

The lid didn’t just pop off. It launched. Embedded in the wall. Gerald’s ascension is unstoppable.

Roommate Jake - Today 11:32 PM

Dude what was that noise? I thought someone broke in.

Me - Today 11:33 PM

That was Gerald achieving atmospheric escape velocity.

Jake - Today 11:35 PM

WHO IS GERALD AND WHY IS HE LAUNCHING THINGS.

Me - Today 11:36 PM

My sourdough starter. Former starter. Current biological weapon.

Jake - Today 11:38 PM

That was BREAD?

Me - Today 11:40 PM

Gerald’s no ordinary bread. He’s redefining “rapid unscheduled disassembly.”

***

Jake - Today 11:45 PM

The kitchen looks like a war zone.

Me - Today 11:46 PM

Gerald declared independence. He’s enforcing it through overwhelming force.

Jake - Today 11:47 PM

There’s white stuff everywhere. Including the microwave. HOW.

Me - Today 11:48 PM

Gerald’s campaign has no respect for spatial boundaries.

Jake - Today 11:50 PM

I’m sleeping at Sarah’s. Text me when the bread revolution ends.

Me - Today 11:55 PM

Gerald has achieved strategic depth. It might take a while.

***

Landlord (Mr. Peterson) - Today 12:15 AM

I’m getting noise complaints. What’s going on?

Me - Today 12:16 AM

Define explosive in a legal context.

Landlord - Today 12:17 AM

That’s not helpful. Are you doing something illegal?

Me - Today 12:20 AM

Negative. I was just trying to make bread. Gerald had other plans. The cabinet was forcibly opened by an expanding organic matter.

Landlord - Today 12:22 AM

I’m coming over.

Me - Today 12:23 AM

Recommend hazmat protocols. Gerald has achieved environmental saturation.

Landlord - Today 12:25 AM

I’m calling the fire department.

Me - Today 12:26 AM

They’re not trained for this scenario.

***

Mom - Today 12:45 AM

Sweetheart, why are there fire trucks outside your building?

Me - Today 12:46 AM

Gerald’s final liberation campaign attracted official attention.

Mom - Today 12:47 AM

What did you do to poor Gerald?

Me - Today 12:50 AM

I gave him resources. He responded with shock-and-awe tactics.

Mom - Today 12:52 AM

How much flour did you actually give him?

Me - Today 12:53 AM

Enough to fuel a small bakery.

***

Sister Emma - Today 1:15 AM

Jake texted me. Said you declared war on bread and the bread won?

Me - Today 1:16 AM

Gerald achieved total environmental domination.

Emma - Today 1:18 AM

How catastrophic could bread be?

Me - Today 1:20 AM

[Photo attached: Kitchen as ground zero]

Emma - Today 1:21 AM

Sweet mother of gluten.

Me - Today 1:22 AM

Gerald reached the ceiling fan. He’s three-dimensional now.

***

Fire Chief Martinez - Today 2:30 AM

We’ve cleared the scene. No hazardous materials. Just a lot of… bread dough.

Me - Today 2:31 AM

Gerald’s occupying force. Cleanup ongoing.

Fire Chief Martinez - Today 2:33 AM

Call a cleaning service. And maybe a therapist.

Me - Today 2:35 AM

Gerald has fundamentally redefined my relationship with carbohydrates.

***

Me - Today 3:00 AM

Initiating Gerald evacuation. Armed with bleach and existential dread.

Mom - Today 3:05 AM

How’s it going?

Me - Today 3:10 AM

I’m unearthing sourdough starter in places I didn’t know existed.

Mom - Today 3:12 AM

Gerald was very… ambitious.

Me - Today 3:15 AM

Gerald broke laws of physics, several health codes, and maybe international treaties.

Mom - Today 3:17 AM

Want me to start a new one? I’ll call her Geraldine!

Me - Today 3:18 AM

ABSOLUTELY NOT.

Me - Today 3:20 AM

I’m buying bread from the store like a civilized adult.

Mom - Today 3:22 AM

But homemade bread tastes better!

Me - Today 3:25 AM

I’ve learned to appreciate Wonder Bread’s quiet, stable existence.

Mom - Today 3:28 AM

Aunt Linda has a 20-year-old starter named Beatrice—

Me - Today 3:30 AM

I’m changing my phone number.

Mom - Today 3:32 AM

Love you too, honey! 😘🍞

***

Jake - Today 9:15 AM

Is the apartment safe?

Me - Today 9:20 AM

Gerald has been contained. The kitchen is safe. The bathroom is… under investigation.

Jake - Today 9:22 AM

How did bread bacteria get to the bathroom?

Me - Today 9:25 AM

Gerald’s strategic planning exceeded all expectations.

Jake - Today 9:27 AM

I’m telling this story at your funeral.

Me - Today 9:30 AM

Gerald’s legacy will outlive us all. I found starter residue in my coffee maker.

Sarah - Today 9:45 AM

So… learning experience?

Me - Today 9:47 AM

Bread-making is negotiating with biological forces that don’t respect kitchen boundaries.

Sarah - Today 9:50 AM

Gerald’s agenda was… world domination?

Me - Today 9:52 AM

Gerald achieved more territorial gains overnight than most armies in history.

Mom - Today 10:00 AM

Morning sweetie! How’s Gerald’s new home?

Me - Today 10:02 AM

Gerald’s in municipal waste now. Let him conquer new horizons there.

Mom - Today 10:04 AM

Poor Gerald. He just wanted to make bread.

Me - Today 10:06 AM

Gerald’s ambitions went far beyond bread. Future historians will analyze his campaign.

Mom - Today 10:08 AM

You’re being dramatic.

Me - Today 10:15 AM

I’m being accurate. Gerald taught me that some forces of nature should never be underestimated.

Jake - Today 10:30 AM

Final update: Found starter in the shower drain.

Me - Today 10:32 AM

Gerald’s infiltration network was formidable. His story ends here, but his legend… lives on.

Health Inspector Lin - Today 10:35 AM

Final note: Gerald is now listed in our incident report under “spontaneous bread-based structural compromise.” Please consider future bread-making endeavors with extreme caution.

Me - Today 10:37 AM

Agreed. The bread frontier has been closed for good.