My Second Chance

The music in the restaurant is soft. Orange light drools from the low hanging fixtures above; passing chords of Clair de Lune frame the couple nicely. He leans over the table and smirks.

She turns away from him, sniffs. "I don't believe in love." 

"What a charming thing to say at a first date," He leans back and laughs easily. "Can I ask why, Hailey?"

A moment of silence as she stills.

"Let me guess," He leans across the table. She looks at him in equal parts trepidation and curiosity. "You trusted him. He hurt you. You’ve forgotten how to trust. You're convinced that love can't be real, because this trial ended with pain, and you're too afraid to try again."

She colors prettily and sputters, "Excuse me, I-"

I watch the two closely; they're good. Stella's doleful eyes and softly upturned lips give her the look of a hurt woodland animal, nicely offsetting Hailey’s often cutting lines. Not to mention, she looks great with Andrew. I knew this the day they auditioned. After the sun had long set and the actors had left the building, I thought of Stella and Andrew and I saw Hailey and Ethan. They have great chemistry. Maybe a little too much chemistry. I tuck my chin onto my hand and watch Stella and Andrew (or Hailey and Ethan) banter. My characters are coming to life before my eyes-- and I'm bored.

"What do you think?" I jump at the sudden raspy voice in my ear.  I turn to meet Kevin's eager eyes; he's practically alight with excitement. He taps his fingers jauntily on the table. 

“They’re good,” I reply shortly. Suddenly, I realize I’m in a bad mood. 

“That’s it?” He furrows his eyebrows, aghast. Of course he is. Stella and Andrew have great chemistry, and paired with my writing, we’re going to have a great product by the end of April. Everyone in this room knows it. That’s why we have celebratory blueberry muffins in a pre-production meeting. 

At my silence, he eyes me suspiciously. He gives me a nudge. “What’s wrong with you?”

“Nothing,” I hiss, shoving him back.  

A lie. Something is wrong with me and I know exactly what it is. But I can’t admit it. Admitting it will make it real and it already feels much too real to me. If only this were all a story; if only this crawling pain in my throat wasn’t real. If only I was Hailey, playing my part in “Second Chances,” destined for the happy ending I wrote for the perfectly imperfect couple. If only that ending had been true. Then maybe, just maybe-

I shake myself out of my thoughts. Kevin is still peering at me. I shove him away discreetly and nod towards Stella, who is now crying delicately in the memory of her mother.

“Pay attention.”

*****

“Pay attention!” I laugh and push his face away playfully. I tap my pen towards the scenario on the table, battered and underlined all over with pink and blue highlighter. 

“How can I?” Eugene flops back dramatically and puts his arm over his eyes with a groan. I snort at his antics. He bounces back up, eyes bright and alive. I grin at the clear enthusiasm on his face. 

“This is perfect, Hannah! This story is perfect. These characters are perfect. This, this word, the way you used ‘lush’ in this specific sentence-”

I’m shrieking with laughter. He’s huffing as he speaks, too, his lips turning upwards.

“It’s perfect! It’s so perfect. There’s no other way to describe it. This is perfect!” He swoops in and kisses my cheek. “You’re perfect.”

I feel my cheeks growing hot. “Really?”

“Yes, really!” He laughs, almost out of breath with his happiness. He frowns mischievously. “But don’t tell me this is how you wish we had met.” 

I groan and push him away again.

“No, seriously! Do you wish I was a sexy barista with a mysterious backstory?” He feigns outrage, then abruptly wiggles his eyebrows up and down. “Because if you want that, I can be.”  

And it goes on. Under the warm yellow haze of love, we laugh until our ribs hurt and kiss until we feel explosive with emotion that can’t be communicated by words but can be with eyes. 

*****

“Let’s take a break, guys!” Kevin looks up from his computer and shouts with an almost manic grin. Kevin is too rowdy for my taste, but I have to admit, his love for his job is infectious. I smile as he speaks to the set designer delightedly. Then suddenly, he turns to me decidedly. I wipe the smile off my face. He’s by my side in ten seconds. 

“So,” He starts, finger on chin to imitate a man deep in agonized thinking. “Set looks great. Actors look great. Acting looks great. Story looks great.” 

He leans down and puts his face level to mine. I glare at him petulantly. “So why does our gorgeous, amazing, talented screenwriter, Ms. Hannah Choi, look so down?”

“Drop it, Kevin.” I give him a deceivingly simpering smile. “I came here because you begged me to watch Stella and Andrew on set, and here I am. What more could you possibly want?”

Exasperated, he throws his hands in the air.  “I don’t know, for you to be happy?”

I sigh and look away. A second of rare silence follows.

“Listen, Hannah.” His voice is lower than usual. I bite the inside of my cheek; he’s serious. I look back at him and watch as he struggles for words.

He scratches at the side of his head, then says determinedly. “You’ve been off, ever since you and Eugene broke up.”

“Don’t-”

“No, you’ve been weird, and,” He hesitates again. “Don’t think that I don’t know what ‘Second Chances’ is about.” 

Is this what it feels like to have your heart drop?

“The story’s great, Hannah, it really is. But I don’t want to make this happen if it’s going to hurt you. And right now, it seems like watching Hailey’s and Ethan’s story on screen will make you pull out all your hair.” Kevin sighs and leans against the wall I’m sitting against. We watch quietly as the makeup crew runs around the set. 

“Listen,” I begin, my voice barely louder than a whisper. “You’re right. I’m not over what happened with Eugene. And this story is about us, and watching these people act it out is like an awful reminder of everything that happened and everything I lost.”

Kevin opens his mouth with a troubled look. I raise my hand to stop him.

“But I have to get over this, Kevin. I have got to get over this.” I feel my voice tremble. “This is my life. This isn’t some TV show with comedic relief and surprisingly fast recovery from traumatic experiences. This is my life. And unlike in ‘Second Chances,’ I can’t give Eugene a second chance. I can’t. I won’t.” 

And then we’re silent again as we watch the actors rehearse. 

*****

There was a bakery Eugene and I loved going to. The smell of pastries wafted out of the building and stretched across the entire block, drenching the concrete buildings in a sweet haze. We liked to sit at one of the few seats offered in the bakery and watch children walking home from the elementary school two blocks away. He would ramble eagerly with dreams of a family; I would scoff and say the prospect of children was much too early. 

This was where I caught him with another woman. In our favorite seat, in our favorite bakery, during our favorite time of day, he sat with another woman and laughed and dreamt the things he’d dreamt with me. This was a month before our four year anniversary. He hadn’t been distant and we were still going on dates every week. Yet there were moments I would catch him smiling at his phone or days he would sneak out of bed for a phone call, and I would wonder. I was too prideful to chase after him and too fearful to doubt him. The hesitance proved useless because I was confronted with my worst fear anyway. 

*****

In “Second Chances,” Ethan cheats on Hailey with his workplace friend. Hailey runs into them at what used to be her and Ethan’s favorite bakery, and a dramatic scene full of tears and shouting follows. She trusted him, even after her last miserable relationship, and how could he dare break her like this again? He apologizes, desperately. It was a fling; he was tired, and she was there. They break up. He begs. She crumbles; she gives him a second chance. 

This is where the similarity between Hailey’s story and mine ends. From the first date to the second year anniversary, “Second Chances” is almost an exact replica of my first few years with Eugene. The cheating is also identical; our reactions are different. When Hailey threw her cup of coffee at Ethan’s shirt, I gaped in shock and walked straight back out of the bakery. When Hailey screamed at Ethan for the pain he caused her, I sent Eugene a break up text and walked back to my apartment blubbering and sobbing. 

A year has passed since that day I sent Eugene that simple ‘We’re over.’ and hunched on the couch to cry. During the first few months, Eugene came by and tried to apologize. I kept my mouth shut every time he did because I was afraid of what I would say if I didn’t. 

Eventually, his visits dwindled. The last “I’m sorry” text from him came two months ago; our relationship is ending. In a few months, we will have no interaction whatsoever. In a few years, I will have forgotten how he likes to drink his coffee. Perhaps in a couple more years, I will forget him entirely. And like that, we will have ended. The last page of our book will have turned. The plot of the sequel will be unknown. 

*****

I toss my popcorn into the air and catch it with my mouth as I listen to Kevin’s nervous voice on the phone.

“I cannot believe this, I cannot believe this! It’s starting in five minutes? Oh God, Hannah, what are we going to do if everyone hates it? What are we going to do if my mom hates it?” He howls.

“Relax, Kevin. Your mom will not hate it. She’s like your personal cheerleader.” I roll my eyes and watch the last few commercials play out on the TV.

“And what if no one watches it? If no one watches it, we’re going to lose money. We’re going to lose so much money! I’m going to be poor!” His voice grows hysterical.

I snort. “Trust me, people are going to watch this. The on-set couple is also an off-set couple; people love that kind of stuff. They’re going to watch the show. If not for the story, then for Stella and Andrew.”

“I don’t want my show to be reduced to celebrity dating gossip!” Kevin shrieks through the phone. I can see him pulling at his eyebrows.

“I don’t know what you’re so mad about, it was good publicity. Everyone was shocked. Who knew the now-adult child actress would date the established big-name Hollywood actor?” 

“I didn’t!” 

At this, I laugh. “Me neither.” 

Really, who would have known that the great on-set chemistry between Stella and Andrew came from even greater off-set chemistry?

He seems to have calmed slightly. “I’m nervous. This is my first big show.”

“It’s going to be fine. Remember, I watched you guys film, and everything looked great. Also, it’s starting now, call again in an hour!” I speak quickly into the phone and throw it off my bed. On screen, Hailey walks purposefully into a cheap Italian restaurant.

Now, almost two years have passed since I bawled in my elevator. I have not forgotten Eugene yet. I haven’t even forgotten his number yet. And because I have not forgotten his number yet, when my phone screen flashes bright, I know immediately that it is him. I close my eyes and breathe slowly. The phone glows bright with the familiar sequence of numbers; I pick up. 

Silence.

“That’s our story.” 

He’s not asking a question, but I reply anyway. “Yeah.”

I hear him suck in a surprised breath. “That’s the first time I’ve heard your voice in nearly two years.” 

I look towards the window, where the lights of the city glitter with a promise. “What are you trying to say, Eugene?” 

He’s quiet for a second until he speaks slowly. “Your TV Show is called Second Chances.” 

I close my eyes again; I already know what he will say.

“So give me one, Hannah,” His voice is desperate. 

I breathe slowly. The words are on the tip of my tongue. They have been, for months. 

“I am going to give a second chance,”

I hear him take a breath as if he is about to respond.

“But not to you,” I add adamantly. “To me.”

“I’m going to give myself a second chance to be happy. Whether that’s alone or with someone else. I’m going to give myself a second chance to write without thinking of you. I’m going to give myself a second chance to go to Alon’s without remembering how we always ordered their Friday special. I’m going to give myself a second chance to wake up in the morning without thinking of how you used to look waking up next to me.” 

I speak steadily and deliberately. Saying these words now, I’m no longer pretending. 

“And I’m going to forget you, Eugene.”

He says nothing.

“So you should forget me too.” 

I hang up. I tug the bowl of popcorn closer to me and shove a handful into my mouth. Hailey storms out of the cafe, leaving a grinning Ethan behind. In a few weeks, they will fall in love. My phone doesn’t ring for the rest of the episode, and when it does, the call is from Kevin.

I smile. “Hello?”