ONE STEP ONE JUMP

“It’s good to see you again Jacquelyn.” He was happy to be back. He had so many stories from the university to tell her. Some of the stories were wild, some were tame but he wanted to share them all. He could already picture Jacquelyn disapproving of his actions in some parts of the stories. He stared into nothing remembering the day the two of them bonded...

As sunny as the day was, he didn’t want to get out of bed. Every day was an internal battle of wills which quickly became exhausting. He did not feel like taking a shower so he didn’t. He put on simple clothes and went downstairs where he ate an unhealthy breakfast with his mother who looked at him with weary eyes as she wiped her palms on the blue scrubs that seemed one wash away from becoming white. “Here’s your lunch money, I don’t have much today.” Her voice was apologetic as always. He murmured his thanks and walked out of the house. A short walk later he found himself in school campus. Head down he walked to his first class thinking about everything and anything. Life was a tiring routine which he wished he possessed the power and strength to end.

He was the new student for a week now and he still didn’t have any friends. Not that he tried, what was the point of making friends when they disappoint you? So he kept to himself. Solitude had become his one true solace.

Time seemed to have landed, it crawled to midday and the class was dismissed for lunch break. He did not feel like eating so he didn’t. He walked into the library. The librarian greeted him with a smile, he murmured a response. He sat at his favourite spot, a secluded corner in the deep of the library. Shame this perfect place was close to the librarian office. “What are you reading today?”

He cleared his throat. “Same book from yesterday.”

“Alright. If you need me I’ll be in my office.”

He had spent all his free time in the library since he started school here. He went back to his book and let himself get absorbed in the new interesting world. He finished the book in record time and he didn’t feel like getting up to go search for another book so he laid his head down opting to take a nap. He found a comfortable angle to fall asleep in.

He woke up to loud noise. He stood up. His head swimming with thoughts and looking around the empty room. The office door swung open and out walked a frantic librarian who grabbed his arm and pulled him towards the office without a word. “What’s happening?” He asked but then his eyes saw from the window students seemingly running from something. It was complete chaos. "What’s happening?” The librarian moved to cover the window with the curtain. He didn’t know how to feel about that. A sudden loud bang shook him to the core and he suddenly felt ill. “What’s going on?”

She looked at him, eyes haunted and troubled. “Protocol says we should find a safe place to hide-“

He almost screamed. “What is happening?”

“There’s a shooter at the school. I don’t know how many, I don’t know where they are and the police just told me to get to safety and wait. We shouldn’t be standing here, come on.”

Together they moved to the little closet behind the desk. His mind was swarmed with questions about everything and anything. The screams were getting louder. The librarian had her eyes closed, she was praying. “Maybe we should get low.” He sat down and she followed, opening her eyes. He had never seen her be so quiet. One thought crossed his mind. “Are we going to die?” He watched her fear melt into sadness. “No, don’t say that. The police are on their way. Would you like to call your parents?”

He remembered how he did not want to come to school today. He just wanted to be home.“Yes but I don’t have a phone.”

She seemed a little surprised. “You can use mine.”

He thanked her and tried calling his mother but she didn’t answer. “She must be sleeping, she’s a nurse and she had a night shift yesterday.” He felt the need to explain. The librarian’s smile returned but this time it wavered. “My granddaughter, Mary wants to be a nurse. Ever since she was a tiny little thing she wanted to be a nurse. She’s going to be a good nurse.” Her eyes sparkled with unshed tears. She looked at him. “What about you? What do you want to be when you grow up?”

He looked down. “I don’t know.”

“That’s okay. You are still young, you will figure it out eventually.”

They heard the sound of broken glass in the office. It scared them to silence. He felt himself shaking at this moment. He couldn’t stop. When time went by and they didn’t hear any footsteps in the room the librarian looked back at him. “Is there anyone else you can call? I called my family, you should call yours.” That’s when he knew they were going to die.

“It’s just me and my mom.”

“Try her again.”

Her phone rung but she didn’t pick up. “Mom it’s me…” He felt his eyes water as he left the voicemail. He folded his legs to his chest and stared at his shoes, one arm hugging his legs. “Someone’s shooting and I’m stuck in the library…I’m so scared. If anything happens I want you to know that I am grateful for all that you do for me even though I don’t show it...”His head was laid on his knees and the tears soaked through his jeans. “I love you.” He ended the call there. His hands were shaking too much.

“You are a good son.” He heard the librarian say. He didn’t think he was. He cried silently and she placed an arm on his shoulder. When he sobered up he wanted nothing but to be back in his room all by himself lying in bed.

“Not many kids spend their time in the library. You must like books a lot but I have a feeling you don’t mind being alone.”

“What’s it to you.” He laid down on the dirty ground feeling exhausted.

“I lost my son to depression, my only regret is not noticing the signs. I don’t know anything about your life or what you’ve been through but I think you’re not happy.”

Startled, he realised that he did not remember a time he was truly happy. “What makes you think that?”

“You are always alone, reading or sleeping. You just remind me of my son.”

He felt himself tremble and he hugged himself tighter. “Sometimes I think of ending it all. I came close to it twice.” He couldn’t believe he was talking about it.

“What stopped you?”

“My mom. I think of how it would affect her and with all that we’ve been through together I don’t want her to be alone.”

A beat of silence passed between the two. No gun noises were heard, just distant sobbing and screams. Maybe the police had arrived. “I wanted to end my life when my son died.”

He turned to look at her. “What stopped you?”

“My other kids, Just like you I didn’t want them alone in the world.”

Another silence.

“You know what helped me survive?”

He didn’t want to know. He’d seen all kinds of videos of how to get over depression back when he cared enough to try to fight it. None of that helped him.

“My pastor always says one step then one jump. It means every problem has a solution even if it starts with one little thing. Every day you wake up from bed and come to school you are beating depression. Every day you try talking to someone you are winning. Life got you here but that doesn’t mean you have to accept it. You have to try to fight it, even in the smallest way.”

“Sounds too good to be true.”

She smiled a tight lipped smile that quickly fell from her face when they heard shots sounding behind the door. “It’s going to be alright.” She promised. It was an empty promise. The door was kicked open and bullets followed. He placed his head on the ground shutting his eyes tight. He didn’t see the shooter but he did feel the burning pain in his body when the bullets pierced through him as he curled into himself before he fell unconscious beside the librarian.

She was a good person, it’s a shame she was lost to the world that day but she remained with him at all times. In his dreams as he recovered, in his thoughts on cloudy days and when life bared its surreptious head she was there. She told him to put the gun down. And when day turned to night she was still there defying the voices in his mind.

With her encouragement he faced the world a new man learning to love himself and others. He came down to the school every time he was in town. He liked to sit at the memorial bench behind the library and talk to her about his time at university. She always listened.