I Am Free

December 18, 1988

Dear Diary,

Today is my tenth birthday. My grandma said that important things start happening at my age and that every girl should have a special book to document those things. I think that the most important thing about today is that we are a week away from Christmas. That means that Christmas break starts soon and I won’t have to see the people that I go to school with for two whole weeks.

I hate school. Everybody there is mean to me except for like three people. I am glad that I am an only child because at least there is only me to be mean to. Their favorite insult is calling me fat and ugly. They also like to call me stupid. Sometimes they pin me down and spit on me and laugh about it. I told my teacher and she said that there is nothing that she can do about it. I told my mom and dad and they said that I just need to toughen up and get through it. That it is just what boys do.

Last year I started wearing a bra and the boys on the bus like to pull my bra straps and feel my chest. The bus driver sees it but he doesn’t do anything about it. I told mom and dad and they said again that that is just the way that boys are. It makes me sad that I don’t see them doing anything to the other girls. That I am the only one that they seem to pick on. I am sad that even my friends won’t stick up for me. Sometimes it makes me so sad that I wish I could die. If I knew how to do that I might.

May 14, 1990

Dear Diary,

Things are still bad in school but I learned an important lesson tonight. I learned that I wouldn’t make myself die if I could. I learned this because my uncle killed himself today. I heard my mom and her sister talking and he put a gun in his mouth and shot himself. It wasn’t the first time that he had tried. They said that he was on drugs. I don’t know what drugs are but if they make you act like that I never want anything to do with them. I have never seen my mom cry so hard in all my life and I never want to again. The uncle is her youngest brother.

August 23, 1997

Dear Heather,

You were my best friend. You died on August 15 and I miss you every day. I have started talking to a counselor and she suggested that I start writing in my journal again and making it look like I am writing you letters. I am so sorry that it was your dad that found you. I am so sorry that he had to go through all of that. I am so sorry that mom and I decided not to stop by for coffee like we were supposed to. I feel like the worst friend ever. I don’t know if I will ever be able to get close to anyone ever again like I did to you. If mom and I had just stopped by we might have been able to spare your dad the pain of finding his only living daughter dead in her bathtub. I found out that you died because when I couldn’t reach you at home, I called your parents house to see if you were there. Your mom said that they hadn’t known how to reach me. I’m sorry that happened. We were best friends. Our parents should have had access to each other in case of an emergency. I know what you would say. You would say that we are young. What kind of emergency could we possibly have. Right now I feel angry and I would yell at you. I would say, “Heather you have been in a diabetes induced coma before! Why didn’t you take your insulin? Why didn’t you help yourself? Why did you tell me only a few weeks ago that you wanted to die because you didn’t love your fiance and you felt like you weren’t even a real woman because you couldn’t have kids?” Did you want to die Heather? Did you want to leave me and your mom and your dad and all of our friends? I understand if you wanted to leave your brother. He was a shit head right from the start. I never got along with him. But he was still your brother. Anyhow. Now I’m just pissed off at the world and crying so hard that I can barely see. I’m too young to be going through this at 17. So for right now screw you Heather. Maybe I’ll write to again someday but it won’t be anytime soon.

January 4, 2004

Dear Diary,

Today I started my dream job. I will be working with adults with intellectual disabilities. It is a vocational setting. It will be a challenge but I think that it will be fun too. They have such great spirits and they are so friendly and loving. I know that every day won’t be like this. I know that it is because it is new, but as soon as I walked in the door, I felt welcomed. I felt like I belonged. I finally felt that I was contributing something to the world. For most of my life I have just existed. Going where I was told to go, doing what I was told to do. After Heather died I lived in an alcohol induced haze for quite a few years. I put myself through hell and I didn’t care if I lived or died. I finally met someone that didn’t drink because he was in a motorcycle accident when he was younger and he literally cracked his skull open and lost his sense of smell because of it. He helped me pick myself up and clean myself up and I will always love him for that. When he moved away I was heartbroken. Now I feel like I can start over.

April 17, 2007

Dear Diary,

Yesterday my best friend had a baby boy! He’s so cute! I only saw him for a second because as soon as he was born he was taken to the NICU. They said that he is going to be okay but it was definitely a scary moment. I am so glad that Josie asked me to be in the delivery room with her for the c-section. That’s the good news.

The bad news is that this morning at 10:33 my cousin called me. Her calling me wasn’t the bad part. For some reason I didn’t even think that it was weird that she was calling me from work during the day. My brain thought that she was calling to see how Josie and the baby were doing. Being eight months pregnant herself it made sense to me that she would be interested. I wish she had asked if I was sitting down. I was not. When she told me that my dad died this morning I let out a scream and went outside. She said she was coming to get me and take me home to the farm so I went outside because I didn’t want to scare my clients. My coworker brought a chair for me and I was in such a state of shock that I sat on the ground beside it. All I remember of those moments is wondering why it was taking my cousin so long to come get me. It shouldn’t have taken her more than about ten minutes to get from where she was to where I was. While I waited I called another cousin that is like a sister to me. I made sure to ask if she was sitting down before I told her what happened. She called me back a little later and told me that she went and got her dad from work and they picked up her mom and they went to her sister’s place. They were making arrangements to get to our farm as soon as possible. I am so glad that mom and I will have extra support. We’re going to need it. 

April 21, 2008

Dear Dad,

Today we buried you. It was the hardest thing mom and I have ever had to do. In true family fashion there was an ice storm last night and the power went off. Last year when your mom died it was a blizzard and no power. I hope that this trend doesn’t continue. We can’t lose anyone else right now. I hate seeing mom hurt. I know that she is going to get better but it will always leave a huge hole in our family that can’t be filled.

Dad, I am feeling very angry. Not at you. I know that you didn’t leave us on purpose. I am angry at all of the people that had the nerve to say that you are in a better place and that you aren't suffering. You are NOT in a better place! You belong here with us! You were only fifty years old!  As far as you not hurting anymore, you weren’t hurting until you had a heart attack. Those final moments must have been hell for you. Realizing that you were leaving mom and I. I am angry because I wish that you had been sick. I wish that I had had the opportunity to prepare myself. I am angry because I hear about people having heart attacks all the time and recovering. What makes them so much better or more important than you? To mom and me you were the most important person in the world. Do we not matter to God or whoever is in charge?!

December 7, 2008

Dear Dad,

Remember when I said that I wish that I had had the opportunity to prepare myself for your death? I no longer wish that. Having watched uncle struggle with cancer for the past couple of months I am glad that you left us quickly. Watching his struggles and the struggles of his family nearly killed me. When he died last night everything felt raw again.  We haven’t finished grieving you and now we have to start all over again. His family was always there for us so now it’s our turn to be there for them.

December 25, 2008

Dear Dad,

Today was our first Christmas without the two of you. There wasn’t much merry about it, but we made it through the day and now we can move on toward our next first without you. We have already been through your birthday without you. We have been through Thanksgiving. Each day brings us closer to our year of firsts ending and as relieved as I feel, it still hurts that we have to go through these firsts. And it hurts that you won’t be there to give me away at my wedding. I know that you have been wanting to give me away for years (haha). I think that I may have met someone and I think that you would have liked him. We aren’t even dating yet. He has the same first name as you. We are just friends for now. Maybe someday something more will come of it.

July 13, 2013

Dear Dad,

Today is my wedding day. Yep. The guy that I talked about back in 2008 and I are getting married. I called to tell him that I broke up with my boyfriend and I broke up and he asked why I called him. His exact words were “so why did you call me you wanna hook up or what?” We both thought that it would be a one night stand but it turned into so much more. He is so much like you. He has that great sense of humor, he’s hardworking, and he loves with his whole heart. He obviously hasn’t replaced you, but he definitely makes me miss you less. I hope that you approve. Something deep within me tells me that you do. I’m sorry that you couldn’t physically be here for this day, but I attached a picture of you to my bouquet so that you can still walk with me down the aisle toward my future.

April 17, 2018

Dear Dad,

Tomorrow I am going for a partial hysterectomy and I am scared. I had a gynecologist tell me that if I have the surgery done I will definitely die on the table because of my weight. I am terrified that I am going to leave mom and my husband before I’m ready. I have had a conversation with them both about what I want should I not make it. I have also filled out a DNR form just in case. Mom and I have been in the city for a couple of days now because a storm is supposed to be coming. It has been nasty out so I am glad that we came. My husband is meeting us in the city when he is done work. I’m glad that he has a truck because the roads are horrible.

April 30, 2018

Dear Dad,

I obviously made it through surgery and it is now official that I will never have children. I have been having really bad mood swings. I am sitting here with a bottle of pills and a bottle of vodka. There is no point to me being here anymore. I can’t have kids and I’m not even a whole woman anymore. I don’t know why my husband loves me. I don’t know how he could. I look at all of the joy that I have had in my life and I realize that I really haven’t brought much joy to anyone. I have been selfish and I have taken all of the joy that others have offered. I am a fraud. I just took the pills and drank the vodka. My husband just left for work so there is very little chance that anyone will find me in time. And that’s ok. I welcome the darkness. I welcome the nothingness. I welcome the lack of feeling.

To my husband and my best friend,

If you are reading this, it is because I left it open on my computer for you to find. Please know that you did nothing wrong. You did all of the right things and you loved me. Far more than I ever deserved. Tell my mom that I love her and that I am sorry. I tried. I tried so hard to fight. But in the end I wasn’t worth fighting for. I couldn’t love myself and I know that I was a burden. I want all of you to be free of my evil heart and live a full, happy life full of love.

To my nieces and nephews,

The day that each and every one of you was born I fell in love more deeply then I knew that it was possible to love. I feel like each of you is my child in their own special way. Please remember the laughter that we shared and the games that we played. Smile when you think of me because now I am finally okay. I also beg of you to reach out if you are feeling the hopelessness and anxiety that I am feeling right now. Don’t put your mothers through what I am doing. You are all bright, shining lights and you need to shine. Don’t let mental illness extinguish your light.

To whomever is reading this,

I have to go now. I am tired and my dad is coming to get me. Don’t feel sad for me. I am free. I am not hurting anymore and I am finally going to be at peace.