Boyhood

11 July, 1972

Hi diary,

My name is Ravi.

Sharma teacher told the class  to write everything that happens in the day everyday for this whole year as an assignment. This is my first time writing to you. I have never written in a diary before.

At school, I got full marks in Math and English in weekly test. I was very happy. Praveen and I raced to the school bus and I ran so fast that I came first.

At home, I was upset with Mom because I wanted to drink Coke but she refused. I punished her my not speaking with her. She punished me by making roti dal for dinner, my least favourite food. Why couldn’t have she made pizza?

 14 July, 1972

Hi dairy,

The teacher picked me to say a poem but I was frozen on my seat. I couldn’t move. I get clammed up every time someone talks to me, I get nervous and start sweating. Vijay and Kedar laughed at me, which made me upset. I was sent to see the principle. I cried there.

Dad came to get me. I love riding with him on his scooter.

At night, I heard mom and dad were fighting. I heard dad yell at mom, saying that something was her fault. I don’t know what she did wrong. Maybe marrying dad was wrong. I heard her cry. I cried as well in my room.

20 September, 1972

Hi diary,

Everyone in school still calls me cry baby. During English class Sharma teacher told me to come up to the board and write examples of adjectives. Kedar looked at me and made a crying face. I felt like punching him right there, but instead I ended up crying and everyone laughed. He was punished by Sharma teacher which made me happy.

At home, mom and dad were fighting again. Dad said she drank too much. Drank what, I asked him. Water? He did not reply. She was crying. Even I cried.

21 November, 1972 

Hi dairy,

Today I turned 13. I am officially a teenager.

Do teens cry a lot?

Sometimes I am very happy but sometimes I am very sad. Dad said I am a sensitive child. Is that a good thing?

Today I am very happy because we are going to McDonald’s for my birthday party. Mom and dad were fighting before we left.

Mom has been drinking since morning. Nothing new about it. I think she hates me. Sometimes I have conversations with her in my head, I pretend that she talks to me lovingly, asks me about my day and makes my favourite food.

Maybe she will like me more now that I’m a teenager.

12 March, 1973

Hi dairy,

It is exam week. I have been studying hard for this but for some reason I have trouble concentrating and focusing. I forget what I read the very next minute. Is that normal?

Is something wrong with me?

Tomorrow I have to submit my diaries. I like writing to you. You are like a best friend who I can tell anything to, as I don’t have any friends in school. I think I will get good marks for this assignment.

I promise I will continue to write to you even after the assignment gets over.

15 March, 1973

Hi dairy,

I was called to principal’s office today, in the middle of the exam. I was shocked to find Mom and dad there. Mom was arguing with the principal while dad just sat there looking. The principal said he had read my diaries and said that I should see a doctor. Dad said that there is nothing wrong with me, that I was a sensitive child. Mom said I was always the problem in her life. Mom and dad starting fighting in front of the principle. I ran out of the office and kept running on the ground.

I ran eight rounds before everyone from school came out to look at me. Dad came to stop me. I did not stop crying.

At home mom and dad were fighting again. I couldn’t take it anymore and started screaming. I did not stop but at least they stopped.

Mom left that night. Dad said I can sleep in his room from now on.  

21 November, 1975

Hi diary,

Today is my 16^th birthday. It is the worst day and I don’t even know why. I haven’t got out of bed in three days. I feel depressed and alone.

I miss mom. Why did she leave me? What did I do wrong?

I wish I had some friends. Friends who can help me not take myself so seriously.

Dad made dinner. I did not eat. I’m sure it was not worth eating anyway.

13 January, 1976

Hi diary,

I feel great today. I ran for 10 km today after which I had a great game of cricket. The coach was so happy with me that he could have had an orgasm there! Bunty and I laughed about it in the school gym.

I walked Shikha home and we kissed again. She’s cute, but I might break up with her soon. I really like Rakhi and Bunty told me she likes me too.

I cooked dinner for dad today. He didn’t say anything but I think he liked it, judging from the fact that he ate it all.

16 April, 1977

Hi dairy,

I missed the game today. It is happening again, the deep slow slumber that I feel every few months. Dad said it is because I exert myself too much. Am I sick? Am I unwell?

I don’t know what to believe. Shikha called me up like 15 times, but I just couldn’t pick up the phone and talk to anyone.

What’s wrong with me?

 20 August, 1978

Hi diary,

Dad yelled at me today for not being productive. In my defense, I took a break to be able to to clear my head and figure what I want to do in life after college. I didn’t score well in my finals and dad was obviously not happy about it.

He said there’s no point in moping around all day and not doing anything. But what can I do? There are days when my body just doesn’t move, it’s like it is frozen. There are days when my thoughts turn darker than the night. There are days when I haven’t get off my bed.

It's so frustrating! But how do I make dad understand?

18 February, 1982

Hi diary,

I nailed the interview! I knew I was going to get the job. I was great, I was perfect, and they literally begged me to join them. The salary is also great. Dad was very happy to hear that.

Can’t wait to kill it in life.

2 June, 1983

Hi dairy,

My boss called to check on me again, but I couldn’t pick up his call. I can’t afford to lose this job as well. But why does my bed always do this to me?

Dad is also unwell, I heard him cough for hours today. I need to tend to him, I need to get him well. But my body is paralyzed and I can’t move.

I can’t stop crying.

Help me get out dairy.

20 March, 1984

Hi dairy,

I went to a doctor today after doing some research. It is as I suspected, I’m bipolar. My mood swings, depression, unable to get out of the bed, unable to talk to anyone – everything makes so much sense now.

Dad wasn’t too happy to know that. Can’t believe he is pissed off about this rather than being happy about finding out what the hell is wrong with me.

Anyway, for now, I have to stick to medicines, meditations and yoga. Also, now that I know what it is and what to do about it, it’s time to get rid of this stomach flab that I’ve been nursing and get fit.

6 July, 1985

Hi dairy,

I feel great! I have never felt this good in a long time.

I nailed it at that presentation I had to give today to the new clients. My boss was so impressed that he praised me in front of everyone at office. Suraj and I went for a few drinks.

I think the medicines are working well for me.

27 December, 1985

Hi dairy,

I got a promotion and a pay raise today! I can’t tell you how happy I am. Suraj and I celebrated with a few drinks. I hit the gym after that and pounded some weights. I took Janvi out for a dinner date after that.

Today was the best day of my life. I have never felt better! I don’t think I need to pop any more pills.

I FEEL GREAT!

3 February, 1986

Hi dairy,

I got an email today saying that I’m fired. Suraj called me 10 times today and so did Janvi. It’s been five days since I haven’t gotten out of the bed.

Yup, it happened again. But this time, it’s different. I feel strange. There is a weird feeling in my stomach.

I haven’t seen dad in these five days. I hope he is ok.

11 February, 1986

Hi diary,

The doctor told me to meet a therapist today. I didn’t have the energy to argue or even say anything. I just sat there and nodded. A nurse came and helped me walk to the floor where she made an appointment on my behalf to meet Dr. Rekha.

Dr. Rekha seemed to be as old as dad, but she had kind eyes and a soft voice, the kind that would make you want to tell her all your secrets. Dr. Rekha saw my file and asked me a few questions. I told her about you, diary. She told me to get all of you the next time I go to see her.

She is exactly how I would have wished mom would have been like right now. I miss her.

18 February, 1986

Hi dairy,

It took Dr. Rekha a few hours to read all of you. She said she was impressed that I maintained a dairy all these years. I said that it had become a habit to write to you every single day, whatever happens. I said that you are like my best friend that I never had, that I can talk to you about anything between these blue lines on your pages.

31 March, 1986

Hi dairy,

I yelled at Dr. Rekha today. I’m not proud of it, but I couldn’t help it. She made me so angry that I could have thrown things at her. She then had the audacity to called a nurse to pin me down and inject me. But what got me yell abuses at her was when saying that mom is the reason for how I am. I laughed at her.

Of course mom is the reason for me being like this! I loved her and she betrayed me. She left me. She didn’t take me with her. And I got stuck with dad.

2 September, 1987

Hi dairy,

I got a new job today. This is my 19^th job that I’ve ever had. 19^th! Can you believe it?! I can’t manage to keep any job for a longer time. But this time I’m sure it will work out for the best.

Dr. Rekha says I’m making good recovery. I feel better, maybe even good.

I’m doing yoga everyday now.

27 January, 1988

Hi dairy,

Dad got worse. He had trouble breathing and couldn’t speak properly. I had to take him to the hospital. They are going to keep him under observation there.

I hope he gets better. I’m going to go back to the hospital and sleep there today.

28 January, 1988

Hi dairy,

Dad died today.

Just FUCKING great.

This is exactly what I need in my life right now, someone to leave me. I didn’t cry. I will not.

He will be cremated tomorrow. He wasn’t a bad guy…he just didn’t understand me. My flaws were his greatest disappointment. Maybe I too was a big disappointment for him. Maybe he felt that I was his mistake. Maybe that’s why he didn’t love me.

Did he love mom? Maybe not or he would have searched for her and got her back when his son needed her the most.

But like I said, maybe I was their biggest mistake.

8 February, 1988

Hi dairy,

It’s been a while since I wrote to you. It’s been some 10 days since dad’s funeral. It’s been 10 days since I took a shower. It’s been 10 days since I ate something. It’s been 10 days since I got out of bed. It’s been 10 days since I saw sunlight. It’s been 10 days since I saw myself in the mirror…the mirror that lay broken on the floor.

I forgot that my knuckles were bleeding. I didn’t feel any physical pain. Not that I remember. I think it is infected now.

Fucking great.

11 February, 1988

Hi dairy,

I tried to hang myself from the ceiling fan today. But I ended up having a fit and weeping my eyes out. It was a mess.

I am a mess.

What is the point of living like this? I don’t remember the last time I laughed. I don’t remember the last time I even smiled at something. I don’t know the last time I touched someone.

I had great plans for myself, to be successful, to be happy, to have a family, a wife, kids, a house and a few friends. But instead, I have no one, no one who would understand me, no one who would hold me, no one who would miss me, no one who would talk to me.

I blame mom for all of this.

2 March, 1988

Hi dairy,

I don’t remember how many days it has been since I got out of the bed and saw the outside world or the last time I ate something. But today I physically forced myself to get up.

When I looked at myself in the mirror, I was shocked at what I saw.

Was this really me? This hollow face, dark circles under my eyes, messy grey beard sprouting from my chin, hair so thin that I can see bald spots on my head.

What I saw scared me. I saw darkness in me, the kind that could put a shadow over other person’s light. How did I turn into this?

I remember playing cricket and being good at it. I remember having a great physic, like that of an athlete. I remember loving life when I was young. But now it feels like a lifetime ago, when I was a different person, a happy person, perhaps.

Will I ever be happy again?

5 March, 1988

Hi dairy,

After years I’m feeling much better about myself and about life. I don’t know what caused this sudden change in me…maybe it was all the self-reflection after my failed suicide attempt that helped me see the world, see myself with a slight beacon of light in this dark dark world that is inside me.

I think I’m going get help and admitted to the hospital. I promise that I will try my best to get better and overcome this darkness that resided over me, that overshadows everything that I do. I am going to take my life back from its crutches and be happy again.

22 August, 1991

Hi diary,

I was cleaning my room and saw a bunch of you lying behind my cupboard. I read through all the diaries that I had written from the age of 12. One thing I realised from reading all of you was that I wasn’t a very happy person. I struggled through life, mostly because I failed to realise that I was bipolar. I still am. Today, I’m at a better place.

Three years at rehab therapy changed me as a person. It changed my outlook towards life. Of course, I still have bad days, but now I see silver lining on every grey cloud that upon me.

Work is great, I got promoted to manager at the rehab center today. It’s a great job. I love helping out patients who have gone through similar things that I have. I love seeing other people’s journeys to recovery. I sometimes even feel proud of myself that I could help them in any way to guide them through their road to recovery.

I took a few of my colleagues out for lunch to celebrate as a part of team building. I think I am much better with people now. I’m more open. In fact, I’m even open for love!

After years I feel happy, and this place taught me how to be that. I’m a survivor and I’ll never take that for granted again.