The Seven O’clock Train

~ I wasn't expecting to see you again, but there you were, staring at me as if time was never a measure of how long two people could love each other. ~

Running into you in an old, dusty train station wasn't quite how I pictured fate bringing us back together. But sure enough, as I waited for my train to arrive, I found myself staring at a painfully familiar figure in the distance. The figure came closer and closer until I could clearly make out the slender face of a boy I used to love. You're taller now, and your features have matured as well, but your eyes were still exactly the same as I remembered them. Beautiful. Impenetrable. Enticing. I never told you this, but something about them always made me feel at home. I wonder if you remember all the good times we had together, those days in high school when we would stay up all night on your back porch, dreaming about a future that arrived just a little too quickly for two young lovers who knew nothing about the power of distance. And to think, I was just foolish enough to believe that maybe you and I would last forever. 

Coming closer now, I quickly compose myself and make a point to shake your hand with my left. Do you see that giant ring on my finger? I sure hope you do. You reach out to gently take my hand into yours as we shake them like two executives coming to a business agreement. I never would have imagined that I’d be wearing anyone else’s ring but the one that I was sure you were going to give me after our college graduation. I remember the look in your eyes when you told me just a few months later that you thought we needed to take a break. What you didn’t tell me was that the “break” came with blonde hair and a Yale degree. I wonder if she makes you happier than I ever did. 

August 28^th.

That was the day I had planned for our wedding ever since the day we celebrated our fourth year together.

Just as I release my hand from yours I see you steal a quick glance at the rock on hand, and while I might be crazy, I swear I see a flash of regret in your eyes. I smile to myself a little as I revel in the moment. I want to tell you that I’m happy now, that all those tears I cried over you led me to someone better. I want to share my wedding photos with you and brag to you about how great my kids turned out. My youngest will be starting Kindergarten next month…crazy how time flies, isn’t it? I want to look you straight in the eyes and let you know that I’m doing just fine without you. I want to do all these things…but I can’t. 

Do you ever think about us?

Do you lie awake at night, your wife sleeping just inches away from you, and wonder how I’m doing these days?

Do you ever fix yourself a cup of coffee and wonder if I’m doing the same?

Do you sometimes look at the stars at night and ask them why, despite having it all, you still feel as if something is missing?

Do you ever wonder what we could have been if only you had decided to stay? 

We stood there and stared at each other for what felt like an eternity, as if the ticking clock on the station wall behind us had stopped just so we could savor the moment a little longer. Finally, after a long pause, I open my mouth to say something beautiful, something profound to you, but all I can muster is, “Hi”. 

***

I know I’m supposed to say something back, but I still can’t believe you’re really here, standing right in front of me. The ring on your left hand keeps mocking me, and I can’t help but wonder what kind of man you wake up to each morning. I sure hope he treats you better than I did. I want to ask you so many things, but I don’t know where to start. Where do you live? Where do you work? Do you have any kids? My god, I think you might even be more beautiful than you were all those years ago when I was stupid enough to let you go.

 They always say that you’ll regret losing the right girl, and seeing you now, standing here in front of me in the station with a ring on your hand and a smile across your face, I know they were right. I never told you this, but I’ve never stopped loving you. There was always something about you that made me feel like home, and leaving you was only something I did because I knew I couldn’t handle hearing you tell me that you’d moved on. I saw you losing interest in me months before I broke off our relationship, and while I prepared my aching heart for the pang of goodbye, you never said it. You never said it, but I felt it ever time you looked at me. Being young and foolish, I found someone else to pour myself into, and when it came time to break up with you, I had someone else to fall back on. The only problem was, she was never you. 

I still wake up some mornings and wonder what it would feel like to roll over and see you there sleeping next to me.

I stare into my cup of coffee in the mornings and wonder if you’re awake too, getting your kids ready for school or heading off to work.

I look up at the stars at night and feel a sense of emptiness inside me that no amount of money or possessions can ever fulfill.

I look in your eyes and wonder how happy I might have been if only I had kept you.

I want to ask you if you ever think the same, but the clock on the station walls strikes seven just as I’m about to open my mouth, and there you go, briefcase in hand, ready to leave me all over again. Just before you disappear out of sight, I try to gather the courage to say something, anything to you that might make you stay this time around, but all I can muster is, “Bye”.