I tried to tell her nicely.

Write a story in which a character justifies an argument with: “Because i said so.”’ 

I tried to tell her nicely. 

She likes Marvel movies, helps her disconnect, occasionally she’ll complain but she gets sucked in quite quickly. It is one of the few moments we have together that we enjoy. She relishes in anything that affects us whether it’s past or present; she enjoys painfully dissecting it. She doesn’t know how to let go, to deal with it as and when it comes, it’s her coping mechanism but I end up reliving things I’d rather forget.

Reasoning, therapy, talking things through; logically and emotionally, covering all ground of said situation to help make sense of her struggles seems futile. She listens to reason and accepts criticism because she wants to change but it’s a loop. Once all the ‘encouraging’ is done, she’ll start from the top again like a broken record. 

After a long day of her draining the life out of me, I lie in bed with tears in my eyes; body aching, tense and cramping leg muscles and a stiff back. I tried stretches at one stage, but they don’t help, there’s no release. My hands form a fist as I squeeze my pillow; my back starts to twist an attempt to loosen up. No sleeping position is comfortable, arms go numb on either side and a sharp pain shoots down my leg when I lie on my back. All this time I hear her talking, constantly, completely unaffected from what I’d call an exhausting day. I’ll huff and puff and succumb to her words until hours later I fall asleep.

Although the nights are restless I escape for a few precious moments away from her negativity. Morning comes and as soon as she sees my eyes open she's like a radio that I can’t turn off. She fascinates me for she takes no offence when I tell her to shut up. If you ask her, she’ll tell you she’s on my side because she’s defending me. I get where she's coming from but she’s not always ‘on my side’ as she so often claims. She cannot accept that something bad has happened and help me let go. ‘You see there is power in letting go’ I tell her calmly. She gives me a blank look. ‘You can’t just let go’ she says. "If you remember what has happened it means you can protect yourself, so that it doesn’t happen again!". I’ll admit, she’s been through a lot; I often use that as an excuse for her erratic behaviour. She doesn’t bother getting help because she’s already tried, I've given up offering because all she responds with is; ‘This is just the way I am, I can't change. I’ve tried!’

I remember once, I thought this was the breakthrough moment in our relationship, I lost 5 kilos from stress and I don’t easily lose weight, I was already a little person but by then I was littler. I couldn’t eat from the constant knots in my stomach, each mouthful of food felt like nails when swallowing. Normally I’m quite entertaining when telling a story, I do voice and acting impersonations, shift from high pitch to low using each facial muscle to fully express what I want to say. When I’d speak to her about this story my voice would be just above a whisper, I was shaking and afraid. She knew something was wrong, she’d often find me lying in bed; curled up, ‘I just want the pain to stop’ I’d cry. My tears stopped when she said to me ‘maybe it’s time you get help’.

One session with the counsellor brought hope, excitement and I’d like to say a little bit of joy. Change was coming and it was about time. I wondered how things would be between us after a few more sessions, maybe I could get her to see that not everyone is out to get her, that I’m not her enemy, maybe I'll help her so that she won't tire herself out from being constantly on edge and maybe, just maybe we’ll get along. To my dismay my counsellor tragically suffered a stroke, three weeks later she left this world for a better one. It took a long time to process such a thing. My heart dropped and hope left the building when I heard her say; ‘I guess it wasn’t meant to be’. Days turned into weeks and then months, she slipped right back into her old habits. The arguments continued. 

My friends got sick of me because she was all I’d talk about, her inability to shut up, let go, how she won’t let me sleep or wake in peace. I didn’t know how to stop her or help her. Their advice felt void, useless as I had already tried everything. When I stopped hanging out with them she’d ask why and I’d say; ‘they’re stupid people who don’t understand me’. She would agree. I was exhausted from the sleepless nights. My eyes felt heavy. My feet wouldn’t work properly, I’d often trip over nothing. ‘What useless feet’ I’d yell. My back could barely keep me upright, I’d walk around slouching because standing tall was an effort. What was the point, she was wearing me down and I had no energy left to fight her or stop her. I was a punching bag to her words. She sucked the life out of me and she had to be stopped. 

One night, things got really bad. She was yelling repeatedly, creating both unrealistic and realistic scenarios, sending shivers down my spine. Her voice got louder. ‘God you’re intense today’ I whispered. She was treating me like I was her enemy, she was yelling and yelling and yelling. My heart was thumping, I could feel it in my throat, my blood started to boil, it was hard to breathe. She was suffocating me; I had to breathe. She carried on raising her voice, I couldn’t breathe. Heart was thumping. I must breathe. I screamed, ‘ENOUGH!’. She stopped. Only for a second, she stopped. I ran out the room. She yelled ‘WHY! I'M ON YOUR SIDE, I'M THE ONLY ONE ON YOUR SIDE’.

I ran to the bathroom and slammed the door. It was time to face her; she needs to see that I am not her enemy. Eyes closed I breathed in, held my breath for five seconds and shakily breathed out. My face was red; tears slowly made their way down my cheeks. ‘Just breathe’ I said. She was quiet. A curl slipped out and rested above my eyebrow, I slowly moved it. Quiet. I let the cold water run, gently touched my face and whispered ‘it’s okay, I will be kind’. I looked in the mirror and there she was, big brown eyes looking back at me. She was quiet. I took a deep breath and replied, ‘because ... I said so’. I mustered the smallest of smiles, turned the light off and walked away. She didn’t say a thing ...