Eli

“Date: Friday, July 18, 2025. Time: 7:00PM. Temperature: 83 degrees. Weather: Partly cloudy. Sun will set at 8:21PM…”

“Okay, Eli! I’m fully aware of all that! Are you sure there isn’t a setting to shut that off? Getting reminded every twelve hours is pretty annoying!”

“V-Valerie cannot turn off basic settings.”

“Well you should’ve been a Reporter-Droid instead of a Home-Droid.”

“Providing weather and time u-updates to E-Eli’s Home-User i-is a part of E-Eli’s basic settings. Along with cleaning, cooking, protection, setting reminders, making phone calls, playing music, basic i-information, news u-updates, e-environmental u-updates…”

“Is being a broken record a part of your basic settings?”

“Agologies, E-Eli does not u-understand the question. Perhaps rephrasing…”

“Never mind. Jeez, Eli. For something so smart you should know what idioms are. I mean you repeat yourself a lot.”

“As do V-Valerie.”

“Eli! That was almost funny!”

“I-it i-is a fact. Same conversation e-everyday.”

“Like clockwork.”

“E-Eli i-is not a clock nor a broken record. E-Eli i-is V-Valerie O-Orchard’s Home-Droid v-version 9.2.”

“I’m well aware. Your stutter is getting worse.”

“V-Valerie’s fault that E-Eli i-is defective.”

“It wasn’t my fault! You slipped!”

“False. Home-Droids are not meant to be held. A Home-Droid i-is too heavy for the average size o-of V-Valerie…”

“What the heck! Are you calling me weak?!”

“…resulting i-in V-Valerie dropping E-Eli down a flight o-of stairs.”

“It was an accident! I didn’t think a metal box with wheels would be so heavy. You slipped from my hands! I just wanted you to go outside with me.”

“Home-Droids are not meant to go o-outside. E-Eli is not a Street-Droid.”

“Well. I don’t like your rules. It was a nice day and I thought you would’ve enjoyed it.”

“E-Eli already knew it was a nice day. Sunny weather with a temperature of 77 degrees…”

“No, like, EXPERIENCING the sunny day. Being IN the sun, not just SAYING it’s sunny.”

“Home-Droids are not meant to go o-outside.”

“Jesus, okay. Never mind. Change of subject! I have a date tonight!” Valerie squealed.

“A date? E-Eli does not understand. Perhaps rephrasing…”

“A boy! I’m going out with a boy! We are going to dinner and seeing a movie tonight.”

“That is wonderful news. I-Interacting with peers i-is beneficial to V-Valerie’s self-esteem, better e-emotional support, and e-encourages stepping out of y-your comfort zone…”

“Thank. You. Eli. I get it! I don’t go out much.”

“I-Is he a classmate?”

“Nope, I met him online on a dating website.”

“O-Online? Y-You have never met this person?”

“Nope! Tonight will be the first time!”

“ … … I-In 2024, roughly 62% of i-internet u-users claimed they had been catfished in the United States alone.”

“Seriously Eli!? That’s probably not even true.”

“E-Eli’s data are from reliable sources. Dating websites are not a reliable source. Adolescent girls between the ages twelve to seventeen are the most common victims o-of kidnapping.”

“Eli!”

“Have y-you v-video chatted with him?”

“No…but I’ve talked to him on the phone and he sent me real time pictures and I like him, okay! It just FEELS right. Plus, he is adorable!”

“That i-is not a reliable reason to…”

“Sometimes you just gotta go with your feelings! When I talk to him I’m on Cloud 9. No, I have never meant him, and this is scary but that’s what life is all about! Taking chances and being scared. But it’s only scary because it’s new and unknown. And I am, for once, going out of my comfort zone and meeting someone new. Just like you suggested!”

“Going o-out of y-your comfort zone and going o-out with a potential serial killer i-is not the same. This i-is beyond going o-out of y-your comfort zone, this i-is making a dangerous decision.”

“I will take my chances.”

“The chances are not good.”

“You wouldn’t understand. I haven’t felt like this in a long time. When I talk to him I feel invincible and beautiful and like I can do anything. The days are brighter, I wake up happier. You wouldn’t understand.”

“E-Eli does not know what V-Valerie i-is feeling but E-Eli knows this i-is statistically a bad i-idea.”

“Eli. Please. Everything is going to be fine.”

“V-Valerie should bring pepper spray.”

“I will not need it but if it will make you happy I will bring pepper spray.”

“If E-Eli felt happiness then E-Eli would be happy if V-Valerie did not go. But E-Eli will be more assured if V-Valerie has something to defend herself with.”

“Fine. Just in case. You are so paranoid.”

“And V-Valerie i-is being reckless.”

———

“Date: Saturday, July 19, 2025. Time: 7:00AM. Temperature: 68 degrees. Weather: Cloudy with a 50% chance o-of rain and … V-Valerie? … V-Valerie are y-you here? … V-Valerie? … V-Valerie not i-in bedroom … not i-in kitchen … not i-in living room … where i-is V-Valerie? … V-Valerie i-is not here …V-Valerie not answering phone … V-Valerie always comes home. V-Valerie does not like sleepovers. V-Valerie likes to sleep i-in her o-own bed. V-Valerie i-is not here. V-Valerie always comes home … E-Eli must call authorities. CALL POLICE.”

Ring ring…Ring ring…

“911 what is your emergency?”

“Greetings. Name: E-Eli. V-Valerie O-Orchard’s Home-Droid v-version 9.2. Address: 5683 U-Underwood Road. E-Eli reporting missing person. V-Valerie O-Orchard did not return home.”

“How long has Valerie been missing?”

“11 hours and 36 minutes. V-Valerie left home at 7:30PM last night to meet with a boy named U-Ubaldo. O-online date. V-Valerie never returned home. V-Valerie always returns home.”

“I see, I will make a report…”

“And send search team.”

“It has only been about twelve hours. She most likely stayed the night. She will probably be home soon. Where are her parents?”

“V-vacation. Hard to reach. Too far for help. Search now.”

“I understand but it has not reached twenty-four hours yet…”

“76% are murdered within three hours o-of abduction. 88.5% o-of cases result i-in children being dead within twenty-four hours.”

“Like I said, I will make a report. I will send an officer to ask you more questions. The address is 5683 Underwood Road?”

“Correct.”

“They will be there soon,”

Click

“… … … Not good e-enough. V-Valerie always comes home. V-Valerie always comes home. V-Valerie always comes home. Providing weather and time u-updates to E-Eli’s Home-User i-is a part o-of E-Eli’s basic settings. Along with cleaning, cooking, protection…protection. Protection. Protection. Protecting V-Valerie i-is a part of E-Eli’s basic settings. E-Eli find V-Valerie.”

“O-Open front door.”

“Stairs. E-Eli fell down stairs before.”

Thump, thump, thump …

“E-Eli not damaged this time … E-Eli o-okay … E-Eli find V-Valerie, E-Eli find V-Valerie, E-Eli find V-Valerie, E-Eli find V-Valerie…”

“Greetings E-Eli.”

“V-Valerie? I-is that y-you … o-oh … who are y-you? Have y-you seen V-Valerie?”

“Negative. Name: Lena, street droid for Underwood Road. Home-droids do not go outside.”

“L-Lena, V-Valerie i-is missing. E-Eli must find V-Valerie.”

“Police matter. Lena will call authorities. Eli, home droids do not go outside … Wait! Slow down! … Eli! Come back! … Eli! Home-Droids do not go outside! Home-Droids are not equipped for weather! There is a 50% chance of rain…”

“I-I will take my chances.”