Run

TW: This story contains mentions of death and implied hallucinations/PTSD

“You can’t run forever.”

             Eventually, you have to stop. Eventually, there is nowhere else to go. But eventually is not now. I can still escape in this moment. In this moment I can survive. I can run until my legs burn, until I collapse, heavy breathing. I run and run and run. The voice follows as if it were always a part of me. I run as my breathing grows louder. I run and my heart races. Racing against the clock. Waiting so patiently for someone to tell me I can stop. “You can’t run forever.” I’m beginning to believe that’s all the voice knows how to say. I can’t run away from all my problems, I learned that a long time ago. I know that there is nothing I can do to get away from this Hell. I know that I am stuck on this planet, this burning world. There is no way to escape. A place where being yourself is a crime. I feel I have lost all I used to be. I run away from the people who manage to smile and laugh, if you can be happy in a place like this you must be crazy.

             I don’t trust joy, not anymore. You do all you can to escape the sadness, the pain, the suffering but you can’t run forever. You can not leave this horrible world for good, maybe for a moment. For just a moment you can be lost in a book or music, for a moment you can be free. For a moment I stop. For a moment I breathe. For a moment I feel the voice catching up to me. “You can not run forever.” I have become all too familiar with the saying. I recite the words every day in my mind, I begin to wonder if I was the voice all along, and then I hear it again. I know it will never be gone. I know it will stay. It rings in my mind, I will never reach the finish line. The world is changing. I am aware.

I

     Can

              Not

                      Run

                               Forever

I hope for a better life one day, I hope for the need to run to be gone. I hope for the love to grow and for the voice to vanish. The words hold me down like chains that bind me. My love is a curse I can not escape. I am too nice for my own good. I can not outrun the heartbreak. I can not outrun my past. I can only run for a while.

             The world is a broken place. Earth is a synonym for Hell; I remember that fact every day I live. I long to breathe in my last breath. I need to lose myself in this darkness. It eats at my soul. Burns my pride. I shatter at the thought. I can not run forever. I remember the pools of crimson. I remember the sharp silver lodged in your chest. I remember what you whispered to me that day. I remember everything. I ran as fast as I could from the flashing red and blue lights, and the scream of sirens. I can not forget the words you said, they echo in my mind to this day. When you whispered to me that day “You can not run forever.” I laughed at it at the time. I remember not taking it seriously but now I can not deny the truth in it.

             I’ve been running since that day. I have not stopped since that day. The pain in my heart stabs like a shard of glass. I swear one day I will avenge you. I don’t care how long I have to run. I know I will not survive this story. I know I will die soon. I know that I can not continue running. One day soon I will stop. I will look around and take in my surroundings. I will listen to the rain, to the humming of passers-by. The day I take a moment to look around at the good things in the world will be the day I truly learn that no one can run forever no matter how hard they try. Life is unfair but maybe we can make it a bit better in the end. Together we can change the world… I know it.