Between life and death

“Come with us” two burly men in gray suits say, grabbing me by the arm and handcuffing me. “You know what you did”. But I have no idea... 

I am walking through a narrow corridor, lit by torches placed on the right wall, one meter away from each other. Eventually, I reach a door and one of the men knocks three times. A hoarse voice resounds from the room, telling us to wait a bit. I am so anxious that my hands start sweating. Where am I? 

The door opens, revealing a rather short, heavy man, wearing a pair of round glasses on his nose. He points his finger at a massive armchair in front of the desk and I understand that I have to take a sit there. The man waddles to his chair, makes himself comfortable and looks me dead in the eyes. 

“I’m sure you don’t have the slightest idea why you are here.” He tells me and I nod, being unable to make a sound. 

“What would you say if I tell you that you’re actually not here?” The man asks me while grabbing a remote controller. Suddenly, on the wall behind him, a huge image appears, showing a skinny girl on a hospital bed with an oxygen mask on the face. Next to her, there is a heart rate monitor and an infusion. It takes me a while to realize that I'm looking at myself. I gasp and the man starts to speak: 

“You’re in a coma, darling! Because of that, we are now in your subconscious and I am the judge that will decide if you deserve to wake up or not. I have to be convinced that you’ll become a better version of yourself. In order to do that, you have three days to contemplate your past. ” 

“So, I have to apologize for something that I've done in my life?” I ask very confused. 

“It is your choice how you’ll convince me. Be creative and persuasive.” The man responds, flashing me a smile. 

Somebody is patting me on the shoulder and I shudder. It is one of the two men in gray suits, he comes to get me out of the office. We exit the room and he takes me off the handcuffs. Then, I am led to a courtyard full of people. 

“In this place you’ll stay for the next three days. I’ll give you this number and when you see it on the screen, you’ll have to appear before the judge.” And I am handed a piece of paper with the number 138 written in black ink. I thank him and crowd disoriented among people. I look around being delighted to see a lot of colorful tulips surrounding the rectangular courtyard. While I am walking, I suddenly stumble over the uneven asphalt and I fall on my hands and knees. I can’t believe that, even in an unreal world, I'm a hindered person. A boy reaches out to help me, grinning from ear to ear. I’m ashamed and I just want to sink myself into the ground. I shake my pants, then I look at my hands expecting to see a graze, but I'm amazed to see the skin intact. 

“You won’t get hurt here.” the boy utters. I look into his hazel eyes, noticing he is about my age. His frizzy brunette hair and tanned complexion makes him a handsome guy. My cheeks flush and I raise my hand to introduce myself. 

“I’m Alma, a 17 years old girl from Glasgow, a city west of Edinburgh.” I say in a trembling voice. 

“We are all from Scotland here and I’m from Aberdeen. How did you end up in coma?” 

“I’m an anorexic and my heart rate was very low due to malnutrition. What about you?” I really hate talking about my eating disorder. 

“Oh...I’m sorry for you! I’m in a coma, because of meningitis.” I have a strong impulse to hug him, but I utter some encouraging words instead. 

“By the way, my name is Alex and I’m one year older than you.” he continues. “Have you discovered why you are here yet?” 

“What do you mean? I’m here, because of the coma.” I answered perplexedly.  

“Yes, but not all the people who are in a coma end up here. You only have to be judged if you did something very bad in your life. You weren’t told that?” Alex asks me raising an eyebrow. “For example, I think that a major mistake that I've done was when I left home one month ago after a quarrel with mum. I slept to my best friend for two nights. “ he continues. 

Nothing comes to my mind... What have I done to end up here? I consider myself to be a kind person. Alex told me his judgement day will be tomorrow and he has already made up a heart-melting speech about how much he loves his mother. The boy offered me help to find out what I've done by asking me different questions about my past actions.  

One hour has passed and I am still confused. Alex reached to the conclusion that I’m the most harmless person he has ever met. A tear begins to shape in the corner of my eye, but I don’t want him to see me crying. I turn my gaze down, but I can’t hold in my grief anymore. I burst into tears and give Alex a tight hug. He is stroking my back and we stay like this for two minutes. Many people are afraid to touch me in order to not break me. I feel like I’m made of glass, but I assure everyone that I’m not so fragile. 

A woman has been staring at us for several minutes, but I try to ignore her. We are sitting on a curve and I start telling Alex my anorexia story. I don’t know why, but I feel like I can confide in him. While I am speaking, he has a worried expression and I bring my hand closer to his. Our fingers touch and my body is filled with excitement. I want to hold his hand, but our moment is interrupted by that old woman who has been looking at us all this time. She is standing in front of us with her finger pointed at me. 

“You remind me of myself, darling. I was as skinny as you.” the woman tells me and I have no idea what to respond. “I would like to give you a piece of advice: thank God every day for giving you a body and nurture it, because you won’t have it forever.” she continues. Afterwards, the lady turns her back and leaves. I remain as stiff as a board watching her steps until she is too far to be seen. 

I finally found out why am I here. I was always trying to take care of everyone but me. I destructed myself by not giving my body what it needs. That's what has to be fixed in my life. Alex, with a wide smile on his face, takes me in his arms and I am lifted up. I didn’t expect that to happen, considering that in real life boys barely talk to me. 

The day of Alex’s judgement has come. Three more numbers and is his turn. I listen to his speech for the last time and wish him good luck. The judge can’t be so tough not to let him wake up from the coma. I’m so nervous that my hands are shaking. Before Alex enters the building, we promise each other that we’ll meet in the real life. He will come to the eating disorder clinic from Glasgow where I’m sure I'll be for at least one more week. 

On the screen appears the number 102. It is Alex’s turn. The first thought that comes to my mind now is: how can I find out if he succeeds? I ask desperately the first man that crosses my way. He is a middle-aged man with a disorientated expression. He has just arrived here, so I chose the wrong person. In the distance, I notice the old woman who helped me find out why did I end up here. I approach her with hurried steps and when I reach in front of the lady, I see her with the legs crossed in the lotus position, her palms on the knees, her index finger and the thumb joined together. She is in a meditative state. I can’t wake her up, so I have to ask somebody else. I am on the verge of walking away, when the lady opens her eyes slowly. I apologize for bothering her and I tell the woman what is my concern. She cracks a smile that highlights the wrinkles from the corners of her mouth and tells me: 

“I don’t know any way of finding out, my dear. Now excuse me, but I have to enter through that door. I’m next.” and she stands up. I thank her and, with a sullen expression, I sit in her place. Standing with my head in the hands, I realize that I didn’t even think of a speech that will wash away my sin. I was so preoccupied with Alex that I forgot about myself. So, I close my eyes and try to gather my words. 

The monologue is ready, but I have no one to receive a feedback from. I repeat it several time in a low voice, pretending I’m in front of the judge. I have never mastered public speaking, as I’ve always been an introvert. This is going to be a crucial challenge and I am having so much anxiety at the moment. 

It is the day of my judgement and it starts with number 130. I have a little time to prepare myself for the last time. In this place we don’t feel the need to sleep, but if I had had it, I wouldn’t have slept last night. In real life, I struggle with insomnia and that’s why I often take sedatives. They make me sleep for 10 hours and I find it annoying because I could do so many things in that time. 

Number 137. I have to enter the building. I am alone in the corridor, facing the office’s door. People are chattering inside, but I can’t figure out what are they saying. I inhale and exhale three times with my eyes shut, in order to release my stress. The door opens revealing the two massive men holding a girl’s arms. I make room for them to come out, then I enter the office. The judge is sitting at his desk, wearing a black robe. I wait for a signal to begin, but the man is looking through is papers. The door closes behind me after the two men came back in the room. 

“You may start, Alma.” the judge says, now looking at me. 

I clear my throat and begin my speech. “I was given a body and I thank God for it! I have been nurturing it for 15 years, until the social pressure made want to change it. That was the worst decision of my life and I regret it. Now, I struggle between life and death and I was the one who brought me in this critical state. I promise myself that when I wake up, I’ll eat a piece of cake to celebrate that I'm alive. I won’t feel any guilt after eating something considered to be unhealthy. No more numbers, no more counting and measuring. Clothes are not meant to fit us; we have to fit in them. So, when I reach home, I'll get rid of my 10 years old pants. I’ll enjoy life to the fullest, without constantly thinking about food. My slogan in life will be: “eat it to beat it”. And after I’ll be fully recovered, I am planning to give motivational speeches for all the people who don’t feel comfortable in their bodies. I won’t destroy what God has created anymore!” 

My face is full of tears. I was crying during my whole speech. So, I just hope the judge understood what I was saying. His expression is neutral and I am waiting in silence for an answer. He hands me a napkin to wipe off my tears. I take it and he starts speaking: 

“Your journey through recovery will be though, but with your strong will, everything is possible!” 

“So, this means I’ll wake up from coma?” I asked with a brighter expression. 

“Yes, darling. You may go now and enjoy your life!” the judge says, being all smiles. 

I am walking again through the long corridor accompanied by the two men in grey suits. We reach a door at the other end of the corridor; one man opens it and a bright light makes me blind. I’m told to step in and that’s what I do.  

I wake up dizzy, rub my eyes to clear up my view and I see my mother coming towards me. She is crying of happiness and I hold her hand tightly. I take my oxygen mask off just to say: “I love you, mum!”. A nurse comes in to check my heart beat and change the infusion. I'm sleepy, but I don’t want to sleep again for I am too happy to be alive. 

After my oxygen mask is removed and I don’t have any tube attached to my cannula I can go for a walk outside. I hold my mother’s arm and I step slowly on the grass. I listen to the birds’ chirp, inhale deeply the fresh air and I let my long hair fly in the wind. I enjoy every single moment. 

When we get back in, I ask for my phone, because I have to make an urgent call. I am looking for the hospital where Alex is. I find three: one is a maternity, another one is for children and the last one is “Aberdeen Royal Infirmary”. That’s the correct one. I call there and wait for somebody to answer. A thin woman’s voice resounds on the phone and I ask her if a boy named Alex is hospitalized there. 

“I’m sorry, could you tell me his last name, please?” the woman asks me. 

“I don’t know his last name, but he was in a coma and I would like to know if he woke up.” I utter. 

“So, you are talking about Alex Henning, the 18 years old boy who had meningitis?” she tells me and a firm “Yes” comes out of my mouth. 

“Regretfully, he passed away yesterday...” the woman says in a low voice. 

I hang up the call and start crying my eyes out. His speech was so good, why didn’t he wake up? He promised me we will meet again in the real life...