A Problem Shared

I had picked up a bunch of roses from the market along with three bags of produce for tonight’s romantic meal. It was Valentine’s day, again, and I wanted to make it special. Special in the way that something is when it is repeated every year with no surprises. There is specialness in having repetition, right? However, three bags worth was probably too much. I was awkwardly walking trying to carry them all as who wants to make several trips when one awkward, shoulder-hurting one would do! I probably looked daft with all the bags and with a bunch of roses balancing under my arms. The water from the roses was dripping onto my open-toed shoe, leaving the space between my toes damp and my shoes squishy.

I arrive home, kick off said shoes, place the three bags on the kitchen counter. I then stand on my tip-toes to lift my elbow and drop the flowers onto the counter as well. I fill a vase with water and, after a fight with all the cellophane and hidden sticky tape, place the roses into it in the centre of the dining room table. I light my favourite candles on either side, careful to not place them too close; a lesson I learnt several Valentine’s days ago.

I pop my John and Yoko vinyl on, knowing full well I would have to flip sides in 18 minutes or so, but vinyl just sounds better…non-digitally recorded ones at least. He bought me that vinyl on our first Valentine’s day and it became “our” album.

I check the clock, 5.12pm, plenty of time to prepare and have ready by 6.30pm. I grab a pack of chips out of the pantry, as everybody knows you need to have snacks while you wait for the food you are cooking! I pull the Jap pumpkin out of the bag and chop off the top. I love scooping out the seeds by hand. It is messy and slippery but I love it. The last few seeds prove difficult so I succumb to grabbing a tablespoon to scoop out the rest. I rub the pumpkin in olive oil and pop it into the oven to cook, top and all. I pop the wild rice in a saucepan and set the water to boil while I cut up some pecans and redecorate the colours of the kitchen by cutting up a pomegranate!

I inhale the smells of fennel seeds as I heat them in olive oil in a frypan along with some chilli flakes…not too many! I told him, I was not much of a chef on our first date. I have a few signature meals, mostly simple ones. He, of course, loved them all in the fashion that the dad in the movie “The Castle” does.

Once the flakes and seeds start dancing together in the pan, I add garlic and chopped fennel. I think about the two of us dancing, me in my red dress. Our friends called us old-fashioned but we did not care. The way he held me and led me around the floor, it was like floating in his arms. I knew he would always catch me too. We weren’t always in sync with our dance moves though and his poor toes took quite a stomping on while we learnt. My faults just seemed to endear me more to him.

After a few minutes, I mix in an apple, the pecans and some lemon zest. I then take out the pumpkin and stuff all of this inside the empty pumpkin. There is something so satisfying in stuffing too much of something into something that it won’t fit into! I press on the back of the spoon against the mix inside the pumpkin trying to fit those last few bits in. I then pop the whole thing back into the oven to cook all together.

I have made this meal every Valentine’s day for the last three years as a reminder that no matter what things look like from the outside, there can be good on the inside. When feeling more cynical, my mind might change my thoughts to everything mushing up and being messy on the inside. It is also just very delicious.

Once the pumpkin is all cooked, I pop it onto my most beautiful plate and whisk some lemon juice with tahini and garlic. I pop this over the top in the most artistic way I can and theatrically throw the pomegranate seeds all over. Some spill off the plate and leave little red splotches on the table. I arrange the rest into a love heart around the pumpkin and smile at my creativity. He loves little touches like that.

I grab a bottle of Smidge wine…I think about getting a glass and then decide not to worry about it and take off the lid and take a sip. I place the bottle on the table.

I then take out the “nice” cutlery and set two places at the table, flip the vinyl over to side B. I sit in my chair at the dining table and I wait.

I watch the steam coming off the pumpkin in swirls rising to the ceiling with the roses behind it and the candles flickering on either side. It is mesmerising and I lose myself for a moment. I check the clock. 6.25pm. 5 minutes until dinner time, John is singing to Yoko in the background. I stand up and switch off the lights. A beautiful, romantic dinner for two, even though jap pumpkins are too big for just two people. 6.28pm. Someone walks past the window. 6.29pm. I exhale a breath I had been holding and a tear escapes from my eye.

I look at the chair opposite. He looks back at me from the photo taken on our wedding day. His smile is so big. At our ceremony, the celebrant said, “a problem shared is a problem halved”. Now my problems are all mine to deal with. I think briefly about my single girlfriends, who made their sadness on that comment known, and I wonder is it better to have lost love or to be ignorant (apart from Hollywood movies) about what love can truly be?

“Happy Valentine’s Day, my love”, I whisper as I cut a slice of the pumpkin to eat.

*You can find this yummy meal on https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/stuffed-pumpkin**