A Diary of Letters

Dear Mamma!

I miss you. When you went out of that front door, I was so sure you would come back soon. I put Momo, my little rabbit, next to me and we were sitting on the stoep and watching the road. Every time a woman would turn into our street I thought it was you. And then it wasn't. After twenty minutes or so Pa began to beg me to come in again. "It's winter, Estie. Please. Ma won't come back for some time now. Don't worry." But of course I worried. Didn't believe him too at first. You promised! You said, it won't be more than ten minutes. Just a quick run to the shop. And now Pa says you went away, needed some time for yourself. You're going on vacation, Ma? Without me? You'd always take me with you, right? You'd never leave me! Pa must be wrong. Please come back, Mamma.

Yours Estie

Dear Mamma!

Where are you? Pa says, you're fine. You're with Tant Cara, he says. But Tant Cara lives in Jo'burg. So far away! You can't be that far away, right? Why won't you answer my letters? Do you still love me, Mamma? We miss you so much. You know, I catch Pa waiting too, just like me. He stands there and stares out of the window. He doesn't want to talk about it but sometimes I hear him crying. You're hurting him, Ma. Why can't you at least tell me why you went away?

Yours Estie

Dear Mamma!

It's spring now. The birds are chirping like crazy. I like the birds, always so cheerful. Yesterday, I found one lying on the ground. Had a broken wing. I called Pa and together we brought him home. He's really cute. Warm, brown feathers and tiny eyes. I want to keep him but Pa says, I can't. It's not right, he says. This bird belongs into nature. It needs to be free. You also need to be free, right, Mamma? You want to fly like this bird. You didn't feel right in this home anymore. Mamma, I'm sorry I was so angry. I still miss you. Just, please come back one day.

Yours Estie

Dear Mamma!

Sorry that I haven't written to you for so long. But there's so much happening in my life. Pa and I moved into another flat. It's a bit smaller than the old one but that's okay because it's only us two now. I'll write down the address on the back of this letter. This new flat is not so close to the seaside anymore, in a whole different part of Cape Town. I'm sad about that. I'll miss my friends. Remember Hanni? Said goodbye to her yesterday. We cried and hugged for a long time. I will miss her so much. Remember her long red curls? And her smile, breathtaking. When her eyes lock with mine my heart jumps a little. Ma, I think I'm in love. Bit too late for that realization though. I don't think I'll ever see her again. Getting a bit sad now. Hope you're alright, Ma! Love you.

Yours Estie

Dear Mamma!

Something really bad happened today. Pa tells me not to worry too much but I know it's bad. He got fired. We still got some savings but not for long. I'm thinking about taking this job that one of my new friends, Ruben, told me about. It's no hard work, he told me, but it's paid well. Should I? At least for the time until Pa finds another job. It's a bit shady though. Ruben won't tell me what's it all about. I trust Ruben though. But I don't want to ask Pa for his opinion. He would worry too much. You know, he's so proud of me doing well in school. If he knew I was thinking about working... He would worry that I won't have time for studying anymore. He wants me to go to university. Become a marine biologist like I always wanted. Still want to of course. But there's more important things to do now. We need food to survive. I can't study if I starve to death. I need to help. No matter how tough it's going to be. Just don't tell Pa.

Yours Estie

Dear Mamma!

I'm afraid it was a bad idea. I can't tell Pa, I'm too ashamed of what happened. I cry every time I think of it. Shouldn't've trusted Ruben. Knew there was something shady about the job. Now I just feel dirty. I tried to wash it off but the scent still lingers. I used to be so innocent, Ma. Now I've seen it. What humans can do to other humans. Something's broken and it will never be whole again. So much shame, fear, terror. I am trembling now and I can't seem to stop. Pa's still not home, out looking for a job. I just wanted to help, Ma. Now I want to disappear. Don't want to see any of those people again. But tomorrow, in school, I will have to. What if they hurt me again? I am so afraid.

Yours Estie

Dear Mamma!

I made a new friend. Their name is Anathi and they're very big and strong and will protect me against Ruben and his gang. I just feel safe with them. And this time I really am sure that I can trust them. When I look into their eyes it's just the most gentle eyes I've ever seen. Brown, warm and calming. I look into their eyes and everything is alright again. I'm lucky to have found this wonderful human. You don't need to worry anymore. Anathi will take care of me.

Yours Estie

Dear Mamma!

I have some good news today and some bad news. The good news: Pa has found work again! He's so happy. He came home and laughed and spun me around like I was a little child again. We went for ice cream in the mall. I got to choose three scoops! So many! I chose strawberry, lemon and pistachio. I felt so happy. Well, now you might ask yourself what's the bad news? You always wanted to hear the bad news first, Mamma, I remember that clearly. So here it comes: Pa has a new girlfriend. I don't know if I'm even allowed to tell you. But Pa doesn't know that I'm still writing to you anyway so I guess he won't find out. I feel that I must tell you. It feels like betrayal to me. Too early. But who am I to tell him that? If anyone has that right, it's you. If you still want to be with him then please return. You might have given up, both of you, but I haven't. Somehow I always had that hope left that you might find back to each other. Be happy again. Now that hope is crumbling fast. There's this new woman and she's like a big big wall standing between you. Please come back, Ma, it's your last chance! But you won't, will you? You won't answer this letter, you won't return, won't come back together with Pa. I have to accept that. This ending never felt final but now it does. Her name's Josephine. Such a pretentious name. I don't like her. I want you back, Ma. You're so much nicer than that stupid bitch woman.

Yours Estie

Dear Mamma!

Pa wants to marry. Guess who? Josephine of course. She already lives with us and won't shut up about my untidy room and my weird friends. (She means Anathi of course. She's so rude to them. Constantly misgendering and making fun of them. It hurts them and I hate her for that.) But Pa won't hear any complains. He's so in love. Calls her "sweetie" and "my luuuuve" and sometimes he even calls her poepolletjie. I thought poepolletjie was reserved for you, Mamma! It's like she's a replacement for you. I don't want that woman to destroy our cozy Pappa-and-Dogter-Life. She feels like an intruder. I can't wait for them to break up. Or maybe I should just run away too, like you did. I could even come to visit you in Jo'burg. What do you think about that? Please ask Tant Cara if I can come live with you. Please answer soon!

Yours Estie

Dear Mamma!

Why didn't you answer me? Maybe you're not living with Tant Cara anymore. But then, why isn't she answering me? Tant Cara, are you reading all my letters? If yes, why didn't you think to answer yourself? If you're reading this, which I hope not by the way because there's some pretty private details in there, then give me a call. My number's on the back of this letter. Now back to the point. I actually wanted to tell you, Mamma, about what's happening now in my life. As you may have noticed I decided to stay with Pa. The wedding with that obnoxious woman was truly horrible. We had lots of cake and I had to dress into a "beautiful" dress. Pa would've never forced me into wearing a pink frill dress but with this new lady interfering with our lives there was no further discussion. "You are a lady so you should dress like one, Esther." She calls me Esther by the way because she thinks that Estie's just a nickname and Esther my true name. Which it isn't of course. It annoys me to no end but Pa won't say nothing. I feel like I'm losing him, Ma. This woman just takes him away from me. He hardly ever has time to do something only with me. She always comes along. No Pappa-Dogter-Evenings anymore. No celebratory trips to the mall. Josephine considers that "a waste of money". So also no pocket money for me. My classmates are starting to think I must be real poor. It embarrasses me. I've been thinking about taking on a new job to earn some money myself but after that desaster with Ruben I'm too afraid. Josephine of course would think that a good idea. She's got no clue. She doesn't know me at all. Thinks I'm just a spoiled brat. You know me far better. Known me as a child and know me now too, through the letters I write to you. Hope you read them.

Yours Estie

Dear Mamma,

Today's the day I'm moving out. Finally finished school. Anathi and I plan to share a student's apartment in Rondebosch. They'll study medicine and I'll study marine biology. Josephine thinks it's bullshit of coure but Pa supports me. He's so happy for me. I'm a bit sad to leave him now. I was angry with him for marrying this woman, still am. But he's my Pappa and I love him so much. I'm also very excited though. A complete new chapter of my life! It's sad that you won't be here to see that of course. But I'll write you. Promise.

Yours Estie

Dear Mamma!

Guess who I met again! Remember Hanni who I had to leave behind when we were moving? She studies here too! I just ran into her this morning. She looked up from the book she was reading while walking, she's still so dreamy, and then she just stared into my face with a huge grin and dropped her book to hug me real tight. It was sooo nice! I nearly bursted with joy. Then we sat down in the cafetaria and just talked and talked and talked. It felt like hours. This is one of the best days of my life, Mamma! I got Hanni's number now and we text a lot. I really missed her. So nice to have her back.

Yours Estie

Dear Mamma!

Remember how I wrote to you that I thought I was in love with Hanni? Well, I still am. I only just realized today. Well, actually Anathi realized. Hanni was visiting us in our flat and we were talking about how she could maybe move in with us. And then they were joking how we didn't even need to buy a new bed because Hanni could just sleep with me cause mine's big enough and I just felt the blood rushing into my cheeks and excused myself to the bathroom. Afterwards, I tried to pretend nothing had happened and we were having lots of fun, playing a board game that Anathi found in a dumpster. It was quite late when Hanni finally left. And when we returned home after dropping her off, Anathi turned to face me and said: "You're really smitten, aren't you?" I tried to deny it first but I know they're right. I'm not sure what to do about that though. There's a high chance that she doesn't love me back, right, Ma? Also, I'm afraid of our environment's reaction. There's lots of homophobic people here. Anathi also gets a lot hate from people who sometimes even get violent and although Anathi is pretty good in defending themselves it's still not easy for them to deal with all that hate. I don't think I can handle that. I just want love, happiness. I don't want all that baggage with it. What should I do?

Yours Estie

Dear Mamma!

I did it! I just couldn't hold it back any longer. I was getting really uncomfortable with having to hide my crush. Especially when she really decided to sleep on the other side of my double bed. With that new living situation it's become really hard to ignore my feelings. She noticed too after a while. "Is there something you want to tell me?", she once asked at breakfast and I nearly choked on my omelette. It didn't took much longer until I finally broke. It was a comfy evening on the couch, watching TV, Anathi out with some college buddies of theirs. It was then that I finally took heart and turned to Hanni and said: "Hanni, you're right. I need to tell you something." And she looked me into the eyes and answered: "I know." And then she just kissed me. It. Felt. So. Amazing! She loves me back! Oh Mamma, I never thought I could be this happy. I know this joy won't last forever. But I hope our relationship will. You know, Mamma, I hope you find another love too. Pa has found one, one that I don't really approve of but you know that. And you deserve one too. Or maybe you already found someone. I really hope so. I also still hope that you will come visit me some day. We could go watch some lazy seals together. You used to love the seals. Do you still miss Cape Town sometimes? Still miss us? I still miss you. But it hurts a little less now. I found friends, I found love. My life is good now. All the best!

Yours Estie

Dear Mamma!

I know you will probably never read those letters. It doesn't matter though, over the years this has become more like a diary for me. I've been through some stuff now. But I managed to do that on my own. I managed without you, that's what I'm trying to say. Or maybe that's not really true. Although you never were with me physically, you always were with me in spirit. I thought of you, "What would Mamma say?" And I also had these letters. They helped me through the hardest of times and they helped me to feel even more joy about the best because I had somebody to share it with. I know you probably never got a single one of my letters or maybe just never dared to answer me... Doesn't matter though. As I said, it's more of a diary now. One I can write my most intimate feelings into. It just listens. This might be the last time I write to you. It could always be the last time to be honest. Who knows what will happen? But I have no reason to be afraid now. I live a pretty privileged life. I am truly thankful for that. It's also thanks to you, Mamma. You gave me a protected, happy childhood. I'm so lucky. I even got to go to university! I'm going to be a marine biologist! I know you never really believed that this was more than a childhood dream of mine but here I am, close to graduating. And then I will move into a nice little flat together with my fiancee. It won't be all roses and sunshine. But I think it'll be worth it. Hanni's worth it. I am worth it. And you Mamma, you live a happy life too, you hear? Just, come and visit some time. I'll attach the address as always. You'll find us. And we'll go to see those seals. Promise.

Yours Estie