Letting Go That Which Was Lost

They say that blood is thicker than water, but is the blood in my veins thicker than the tears I shed every night? ~Vera

Vera clicked the end of her pen and set it on her desk, she sighed and slouched back into her computer chair. Memories of the previous night replaying in her head, how can she stand her ground if the one person she loved most wants to bury her beneath it? All Vera wants in this world is for her mother to love her back, why is that so wrong?

 Getting up, she headed to the kitchen, glancing at the clock only to see it somehow was 10:30pm. Vera walked to the fridge and pulled out the leftover chicken from the other night, deciding not to heat it up, she sat at the table and began to eat. The sour taste in her mouth overpowering the savoury flavour of the baked chicken.

As she sat, she thought, she thought about the things that her mother has said to her, things like “You’re a mistake” and “I wish I never had you” and the most common “You’re such a burden”. She felt tears weld up in her eyes as she swallowed down the remainder of the chicken. How could the woman who birthed and raised her resent her so much? What did she do so wrong? She thought moving into her own place would solve everything, but it didn’t. It only made it worse because she was not there to do everything for her mom. Vera buried her face in her hands and began to sob violently. Why? Why couldn’t her mom just love her?

Feeling broken, she got up, washed her dish, then went over to the living room, deciding to watch some TV. She flicked through several channels before settling on an episode of Law-and-Order Special Victims Unit. It was the episode where Olivia Benson was discussing her mother and how she is not who her mom says she is.

After the episode ended Vera turned the TV off, staring at the blank screen, she began to think again. Her mind drifted off into the conversation she had with her friend Hannah about a month back. Her friend told her that she is not obligated to take her mothers abuse, and how she deserves so much better. Vera began to wonder about the truth in those words, she loves her mom, but does that mean that she needs to hurt herself constantly having her in her life? Can she break free from the pain and the misery?

She sat back in the chair and stared blankly at the ceiling for a while, a thousand thoughts swirling through her head. She felt as though her heart was going to beat through her chest, she felt so, conflicted. Yes, she loved her mother more then anything in the world, but is that worth all the pain she feels? Is her love enough to change her mom back to the way she was?

Vera pondered on her next move, could she continue on like this for the rest of her life? She wondered what else she would put up with for someone she loved, if she would become one of those women who died at the hands of their husbands. She thought for a moment, before deciding that she would write it out. She stood up and walked back to her desk, sitting down, she opened up her journal for the second time that night. Staring at the blank page, she began to write.

“Dear mom,

I am not sure how to start this, or even what exactly I am doing, but this needs to be said. I am fed up with all the pain you have caused me, and all the lies you have told. I am NOT a burden, I am NOT a mistake, I AM worth so much more than the words you call me. I do not have to put up with the way you treat me anymore, I fact, I never had to put up with it. I love you with all my heart, and I wish you could just see that, but you can’t. Since dad died you have not been the same, and I understand, I do, but I am not your personal punching bag. The things you have said, and the things you have done, have hurt me tremendously, and I just can’t take it anymore. I’m not sure if you will ever read this, I may end up burning this, but I think it’s time to let you go. I will remember all the good things you taught me, and how you used to be, and I’ll remember you how you were when dad was still alive. I love you, so much, but this is goodbye.

~Vera

             By the end of the letter Vera was in tears, could she actually go through with it? She began to remember the good times she and her mom shared, the first time her mom took her to Disney world when she was 7, and how bad their feet hurt after walking around for 9 hours. Or the time they had to leave the Christmas parade early because they felt like their toes were going to freeze off. Smiling to herself, she wiped the tears off her face and closed her journal. She still felt depressed, but writing a goodbye letter lifted some of it from her shoulders. She may not ever give this to her mom, she may not even fully cut ties with her, but for now, she feels a bit better.

             Vera stands up from the chair and walked to her room. She picked out the softest, most comfortable pajamas, put them on, and crawled in bed. She cuddled up to Kevin, her giant pink elephant, and closed her eyes. She did not know what the outcome of tomorrow would be, but at this moment she feels at peace, and she soon drifted off into a peaceful sleep.