MEDITERRANEAN MISCHIEF

OK, so my patience is gradually beginning to wear thin. I consider that I’ve actually been more than reasonable in my behaviour, considering what I’ve had to put up with over time… but recently, the issue seems be getting worse, and the damage they inflict upon me increases with each passing year. More often than not, I try to make light of the situation, amuse myself a little to take my mind off more serious things—do a spot of teasing, let’s say. 

Allow me to explain. Take that cute little beach they created way back when, down off the beaten track, near to the enclosure where they tie up their boats. “The Port of Menton-Garavan” I think they call it. They piled up banks of huge boulders at both sides of their man-made beach for what I believe they call a ‘sea-break’ (which makes me giggle to myself) and baptised the spot, “Hawaii Beach”. 

At the start of each summer, a team with a crane would set down a large box-like shelter on a special flat platform for certain cleverer individuals to survey the others’ antics and rescue anyone needing help. Every day, they would flock down in droves, setting up camp with parasols, little beds, inflatable toys and the like. Imagine the scene: hundreds of them, all squashed in together, toasting their bodies to perfection, then coming to bathe within my depths, begging for me to cool them down. Then, at the end of the hot season, the crane would return, pick up the shelter and haul it away again. 

The whole situation was pretty pleasant, really. I could tell they admired me, and I get quite a kick out of that. I adore having their young ones frolic around in my tiny wavelets, playing with their little gadgets, learning about me, discovering me, mastering the art of swimming and not to fear me. I am most often extremely gentle with them, although admittedly, I do have to occasionally claim the odd one or two, keep the rest of them in line, teach them to respect me, you know what I mean? They seem to forget that it is I that regulates this planet’s climate by absorbing a quarter of all their poisonous carbon emissions, whilst generating fifty percent of the oxygen they require to survive.

Anyway, for many years now, I’ve mostly let them be and we have co-existed quite happily. In the main, I tend to entertain myself by carrying out a bit of landscape design upon their beloved beaches. So let’s say one day, I might place a handsome hill of large, smooth round pebbles to the left of a cove and create a long, gently sweeping curve of tiny gravel-like pebbles all the way to the far end. That appears to be one of their favourite designs for some reason. Then, overnight, I might cover the entire expanse with a lusciously thick carpet of soft, fragrant seaweed. I’ll usually leave that in place for a day or two, let it dry out some (it's useful for cleansing purposes), then I might claim that back and replace it with a steep cliff of fine white sand, keeping back all the larger rocks—mainly just because I can… I like to show them what I am capable of, if and when I choose to. I tell you, the possibilities for my designs are endless.

Every so often, my old mate, the wind, makes an appearance. Sorry, but we can’t resist getting up to a bit of mischief when we get together. One of our favourite tricks is to toss showers of pebbles over the top of that ridiculous heap of boulders they believe can stop us, across their puny wall and onto those long flat strips they’ve manufactured for their rolling contraptions. That tends to keep them quiet for a while, although there are one or two intrepid individuals who continue to clamber down and see me, whatever the weather. Some of them come merely to observe; others like to take away images of me in their little portable devices. I then see them showing one another and cooing with awe at my antics.

Last year, the wind and I did get a little carried away with our mischievous merrymaking, I must admit. We ripped away a long string of floating buoys they had abandoned at that little beach I was telling you about earlier, “Hawaii Beach”. Then, we repositioned a few boulders to totally obliterate and cover the sloping access down towards me, gouged out the foundations underneath their ludicrous flat platform and bashed several holes in the wall below their rolling contraptions. Perhaps it was a touch naughty on our behalf; but... oh, what fun we had! I think they were somewhat taken aback by our performance, as this summer they have not brought down their shelter at all. I suppose I do feel slightly guilty, as there are far fewer visitors to that beach now. 

Please don’t get me wrong; I do admire them, in a way. The human race has come a relatively long way in the extremely short time they have been around on this planet. It’s just that they seem to be getting a bit above their station, so to speak. It’s becoming beyond a joke, all this dumping of plastics and poisonous substances. They throw, quite literally, mountains of toxic trash that they’ve created and want to get rid of into my depths on a daily basis. They seriously need to be taught a lesson. 

Funnily enough though, they are actually helping me in my preparations, believe it or not. They are currently making it their business to melt many of the Earth’s glaciers, thus helping me to swell. Over the past century alone, thanks to their help, my levels have risen by about two hundred millimetres, with roughly half that amount occurring since just 1993, by their way of calculating time. 

I’m biding my time for the moment, but, boy, let me just say, “Watch this space.” When the time’s right for me to respond (and it’s fast approaching, I can tell you…), they won’t know what’s hit 'em. 

Maybe… just maybe… I’ll begin by taking back what’s rightfully mine from that little place they call “The Principality of Monaco”. What they have been building there really makes me see red. They are quite blatantly encroaching onto my territory. Counting this latest bold land extension of theirs, they have now pushed me back by about fifty-seven of what they call "acres". I mean, the audacity of it! It’s outrageous! They're becoming increasingly presumptuous with these arrogant 'projects' of theirs—and I doubt they’re planning on stopping any time soon.

Anyway, until the day I decide to react, I’ll just continue with my little games. And, as I said earlier, 

“Just watch this space…”