Red

There was that face in a short distance, the sculpted replica of herself, the one that she sees every day in the mirror, but something was hindering it. Then there was red everywhere.

Kayla woke up from her nap. It was past three. She kept on repeating the word' sleep', hoping that it would trick her brain into dozing off as she did thirty minutes ago. One would see insomnia as a condition, a vicious paranoia. But to Kayla, it was a potential boon, an escape plan from her wicked past. The moment she closes her eyes and drifts off to that unparalleled world, she would end up seeing terrifying events that trouble her existence. Hence she did the one thing that she had been doing these past years of her life, she took her journal and scribbled everything that came to her mind about that distressing day. 

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As she headed down the stairs of her own house, Kayla suddenly felt corrupt, like a soulless body, a creep- the name she earned from high school, what else would they give to an anxious introvert with extraterrestrial communication skills. She saw portraits of her beautiful face hanging in the walls. 'Flawless', the face reminded her. Reaching the end of those once neverending stairs was tiring and sickening, but practice makes a man perfect or so they say, she thought. She stared at the floor for a second. Her heart skipped a beat when her mind wandered. 

As she headed to the kitchen, her mother greeted her with the usual 'good morning'. She was in her usual attire for work. She noticed her father sitting at the distant end of the table and pretending to read the newspaper he held. She missed him; the way he asked her about her therapy sessions and the way he talked to her with utmost compassion like she was as delicate as a flower.

 "Good morning, dad", she tried. Instead of greeting her back, he looked up at her, nodded and smiled bleakly. It must be hard for him, she thought. She ate her breakfast as quickly as possible; sparing the time for her mother to start a conversation, saving her parents from the uncomfortable state of sharing the same air that they breathe, with their sinister daughter.

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Kayla walked through the crowded halls of her high school clutching tightly onto the strap of her backpack. She felt a lump in her throat as if it was her first time walking through those halls. Suddenly agoraphobia crept through her. A blonde girl from the cheerleading squad eyed her and remarked about her pathetic looks to her associate. As she approached her locker, a group of sophomores murmured to each other, "I bet she killed her. I mean she was an angel compared to this rogue" and looked at her in repugnance. Her hands began sweating. Too much attention, she thought. When she reached far ahead from the hallway after collecting her books, she breathed a sigh of relief to get over that over-feigning bunch of intolerant critics. She stood aloof near the windowsill at the end of the lobby; staring into space. Warm sunlight spread across her face. She turned to see her reflection in the windowpane and saw a vile, lean, almost non-existent creature with dark circles, tangled hair and swollen eyes staring back at her. Agony coursed through her veins as she saw herself for what she has become, a monster.

In the distant end of the hallway, she could see her picture hindered with dried flowers and burnt candles. As of a distant memory, she heard her own voice in the tumultuous hall, whispering: "Red, Red, Red".

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 Kayla expelled the air from inside her lungs as she entered the cold room. Dr Morris remained seated in the therapy room. The air condition inside the room kept it hard for Kayla to warm the numbness within her. As she sat down opposite to Dr Morris, he gave Kayla a comforting-pitiful smile. 

"How was your day at school, Kayla?", he started the session. Deep down, Kayla knew Dr Morris wasn't concerned about her day; all he needed to know was what happened that day, the day she became insane. The rest was just warm-up.

"Uneventful", Kayla's mind wandered onto the portrait hanging behind Dr Morris. 

"Did you make any new friends today? ", Dr Morris's lips curved into a serene smile. He acted like a father who asked the child about her first day at school.

"One of the Senior called me a 'freak' today; during the lunch.", Kayla said blankly. Bullying was traditional for introverts at highschool. That's what she kept on telling herself all these years. The smile on Dr Morris's face faded.

"Tell me about that day", Dr Morris insisted.

Kayla's eyes settled on that painting again. It was a sketch of the setting sun onto the sea. The sky thrived in a mix of crimson and orange; the horizon, a shade of red. "Red, Red, Red", and the memories came rushing like a whirlwind.

Kayla stood silently next to the kitchen sink draining the dishes while her mother washed the rest. It was a day off for her mother. She heard the distant jeering approaching at a fast pace. And then there she was standing beside the kitchen entrance in all her glory, waited in ambush. 

"I am going to that party with or without her. And that is final", she yelled at her mother who sighed and glanced at Kayla. 

Kelly always overreacted in situations like these. It was her way of getting things done, Kayla thought.

"You can go to the Halloween party with your sister. And that is final", their mother said handing Kayla the silverware. 

"No mom, it's okay. I don't want to go to that party. She can go by herself.", Kayla opposed, perfectly aware it was of no use. Her mother wanted her to socialize, make friends, get her out of her communication apprehension. Her anxiety was always a bane to Kelly. Kayla always blamed herself for that. Even though Kelly would get upset over things like losing the chance to go to a party or pay a visit to a friend, because Kayla would get too socially anxious, she intently helped her through her tough times. But she never dropped a chance to complain."

"We will be back by an hour," their parents left them for the grocery store.

"Guess I have to babysit my twin then", Kelly mocked Kayla who rolled her eyes out of annoyance. Sometimes, Kelly treated her like a baby which Kayla scorned.

Kelly climbed the stairs and headed straight to her room while Kayla followed.

And then she remembered fragmented pieces of their heated argument.; her exasperated struggles to control her racing heart from Kelly's infuriated words. 

*lub-dub* "This is all your fault", *lub-dub*" Why don't you attend the sessions", *lub-dub*"You are so selfish",*lub-dub*"What's inside this",*lub-dub* *lub-dub* *lub-dub*

"Don't....".

And down at the end of the stairs, Kayla saw her sister's body wrapped with blood. Kayla froze. It was all her fault, she kept thinking. Her mind clouded by guilt and blood."Red, Red, Red", she hyperventilated and stood there watching; till her sister's last breath left the body.

"Kayla!", Dr Morris's feeble voice filled her ears.

 "You need to focus on your breathing", he kept on saying. Kayla's body felt weak. She knew that it was happening again. Kayla's breaths were short and uneven. 

"It's alright Kayla you are experiencing a panic attack. It's going to go away soon. Now, take deep breaths and picture you in a happy place. ", Dr Morris comforted her. If only he knew how hard it is for her to imagine herself balanced after all these ordeals. Kayla kept repeating those words, "Red, Red, Red".

Kayla sipped the water cautiously so as not to spill it by her trembling hands.

"How are you now?", Dr Morris inquired. 

"Better", she smiled meekly.

"Have you ever had any series of panic attacks before?", Dr Morris's eyebrows were drawn together as if he was contemplating something.

"No", Kayla lied. And she adds more lies to her life every day, till she dies of guilt, she thought.

"Are you still keeping your journal?" it was Dr Morris's notion to let her keep a journal to write what she was too hesitant to share with others. He told her that she could confide her emotions in it.

 "Yes", she answered. The last time someone asked about her journal, they ended up in the grave. A cold chill ran through her spine as she thought about it.

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There was hushed voices downstairs. The ones you would die to eavesdrop. Hence Kayla tiptoed downstairs to the hall where she heard her parents talking. 

"She is trying, Rob", her mother's voice was pleading. 

"I don't know, Eva. She seems to get worse day-by-day. She even keeps avoiding us.", Rob sounded concerned.

"It has been hard for her to move on...", Eva's voice trailed off.

"That's exactly why I told you that we should shift her to a nuthouse", Rob's voice was cold.

"Rob! She is not crazy!" Eva's voice rose. 

"We lost Kelly because of her delusions. God knows what happened with Kelly that day.", Eva gasped as she processed the words Rob spoke.

"Kayla was in shock. That's it", Eva protested.

That shattering conversation was enough for Kayla to run back into her room, crawl into her bed and weep into a deep slumber.

It was Kayla who brought up the Halloween party topic. And then all hell broke loose. She didn't remember most of it. Kelly was frustrated and started scolding her for not attending the therapy sessions. She rebuked that Kayla wasn't making enough efforts to get well. And then Kelly saw the journal. It was at the near edge of the table opposite to her room, in Kaylas. She walked up to Kayla's room and grabbed the diary and flipped its pages.

"What's inside this?" Kelly questioned.

Kayla shuddered. That was the one thing that held all her troubled emotions, deepest secrets and nerve-racking fears, the one thing which explains how she considers herself dead in the inside, the one thing that provides the number of times she bites herself and cries to sleep over how she can't get rid of the nightmares. Kelly wouldn't be able to digest it, she thought.

"Don't..."

But seeing Kayla's face, Kelly knew that this was her bait to taunt her.

Therefore, she ran to the halls as fast as she could with Kayla behind her. But in one unfortunate moment, Kelly tripped from the mat near the stairs and flew into the air. Kayla's heart stopped for a split second. Then it began taking pace with each second.

*lub-dub*The air around Kayla felt chilled. *lub-dub*Her body went numb.*lub-dub*Her whole muscle trembled.*lub-dub*She felt dizzy.*lub-dub*Her chest hurt intensely.*lub-dub*Kelly's body dropped to the ground.*lub-dub* Kelly's head hit the floor with a loud thud.*lub-dub*Kayla struggled to breathe.*lub-dub*Her hands shivered.*lub-dub*Kayla felt like she was going to choke to death.*lub-dub*She needed to save her sister*lub-dub*Blood gushed from Kelly's head.*lub-dub* And all Kayla saw was blood. She couldn't move.

*lub-dub*Minutes passed...*lub-dub*

*lub-dub*"Red, Red, Red...", Kayla kept saying, referring to the blood which began spreading.*lub-dub*Kayla stood at the top stair. This was all her fault. *lub-dub* She heard voices. The front door flung open, *lub-dub*

*lub-dub*Minutes passed...*lub-dub*

*lub-dub*Medics arrived*lub-dub*

*lub-dub*...' too late'...*lub-dub*

*lub-dub*...'Brain Haemorrhage'...*lub-dub*

*lub dub*...' could have saved if found a little earlier'...*lub dub*

*lub-dub*...' Dead'...*lub-dub*

Kayla's eyes flung open when the sunrays gently brushed her skin. She was sweating profusely. Her eyes swollen from crying. She got out of the bed and followed her customary routine for school.

It was Wednesday and her mother left early to work. As Kayla headed for breakfast, she saw her father sitting in the couch, head bend. And then she saw it, her journal in his hand. Kayla gasped out of horror. He lifted his head to face her. Then she comprehended that there were dark circles around his eyes and tears inside.

And then she knew that he knows.

At that moment, it wasn't anxiety that crawled through her body. It was relief. A new sense of longing to become a better person. After all these years of feeling empty and two months of self-oppression, she felt relieved that there was at least one person in this world who would know her true self, who would fathom her feelings during those horrendous moments of her life, who wouldn't let her take the blame. She could live the rest of her life with that knowledge.

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