The African Council

“I call to order this Council…”

“Oh, stop with the formalities, Ron.”

“Don’t you stick your long neck into it, Gary. I was nominated as the Council Leader so butt out.”

“At least Gary’s nose isn’t all turned up and nosing in everything.”

“It is a horn. I can’t smell with it and I can’t help its shape.”

“It’s still there isn’t it, big and on display though, like a giant nose sticking into things.”

“Oh, you’re one to talk, Elbert. What about that monstrosity on your face you like flinging about.”

“This will be so much fun, Vida.”

“Oh, yes, Viva. It’s always the herbivores that start it. Maybe there will be carrion for us if they upset the carnivores.”

“Mmm, meat, rotting, fresh, I’ll take it as it comes. Let us hope, let us hope.”

“For pride’s sake, I call this Council to Order. Now shut up!”

…

“Right. This Council has been gathered to discuss the situation of the watering hole and the grievances laid forth.”

“Mostly by the herbivores. We do frequent the watering holes more than you, thus this is an issue mostly concerning us herbivores.”

“Thank. You. Zelda. But us carnivores do require water just as much as you, and we have our own grievances so…”

“Ha! What grievances? You can take what you want, when you want. You’re all bullies.”

“Can it, Oli.”

“You can’t threaten me. I can outrun you and you know it.”

“Want to test that theory, Oli? I could do with a nice meal of fat, juicy, puffed-up ostrich. It’s been a very long day.”

…

“Please continue, Leo.”

“Thank you, Lyon. Now, I call this Council to Order on the matter of the watering hole. Grievances may be brought forward one at a time.”

“My first grievance is with Carl.”

“Me? What on the savannah did I ever do, Zelda?”

“You know exactly what, Carl. I still have the bruise on my rump.”

“I did nothing. It’s not my fault you didn’t see me in the water. And it’s not my fault you decided to lose it and fall over when I simply emerged for air.”

“I didn’t fall. I tripped. And you didn’t emerge from that water. You exploded up right in front of me! Then cackled your way back into the watering hole depths.”

“Zelda has a point. You tricked me into thinking you were a log then toppled me into the water. It took forever to unruffle my beautiful, bright feathers.”

“Oh, you and your perfect feathers, Freddy. No one was seriously hurt. They were harmless jokes. Not my fault you’re all unobservant.”

“Unobservant!? Us zebras are the most observant creatures on the savannah! We must be so we aren’t eaten by those horrible lions – no offense, Leo.”

“Ooh look at that eye twitch, Viva. I’ll bet the zebra gets eaten first.”

“No, no. The ostrich annoyed him first, Vida. But it depends, it depends. So many players at the meeting rock.”

“Well then, on behalf of Freddy and the… Zelda, Carl, you must stop your antics immediately.”

“No depth to you creatures. Fine. I shall stay bubbling under the surface.”

“Thank you. The next grievance, please.”

“Oh, for elephant’s sake. Henry! Stop laughing at every word we say.”

“Ahahahaha! I can’t help it. Carl’s jokes are so funny. Your reactions…so, so…funny!”

“Who invited the hyena?”

“Ahem, NEXT GRIEVANCE!”

“Oh, well, in that case I, uh, I have a s-small matter to put before the council.”

“Yes, what is it, Gimpy?”

“Th-there is no room s-sometimes at the w-w-watering hole for our herds. W-we don’t take up a lot of space but…”

“Oh, spit it out you quivering gazelle!”

“Leo!”

“HA! Bully! See!”

“Oli!”

“I think what Gimpy is trying to say is that his herds get pushed around a lot at the watering hole. As they’re so small, they often get forgotten, pushed around, stepped on…Isn’t that right, Gimpy?”

“Y-yes.”

“Well then, everyone needs to make way for the gazelles. Simple.”

“Yes, Elbert. If we removed you and your herd of giant, thick-trunked boulders that lounge about in the water all day, there’d be plenty of room.

“EXCUSE ME! HOW DARE YOU!”

“Yes, yes. Always excuse you. Stomp your giant tree trunks and get your way.”

“What about you! You are just as big of a nuisance, rolling around in the mud and stabbing us all as you stand back up.”

“You talk of stabbing! Your giant tusks could easily take our heads off! And we need to cool down. Our skin is thicker than yours.”

“Oh, yes. Thick skin indeed. So thick you get upset when I mention your horn!”

“Hmm. What an interesting turn of events, Viva.”

“Yes, yes, Vida. Perhaps the lion will not be eating at the Council tonight. Perhaps the elephant will trample the rhinoceros. Perhaps the herbivores will be the first to shed the blood. Meat, meat.”

“ENOUGH!”

…

“You will not bicker amongst yourselves like lowly creatures. I will not have dissent at my Council.”

“Your Council? I was nominated as head of the Council. You usurped my role.”

“See, lions are prideful bullies.”

“What did you just say, Oli?”

“Nothing, nothing. But Ron was elected. He should be leading this meeting.”

“Fine then!”

“Thank you, Leo.”

“Don’t mention it, grass eater.”

“Now then. Per Gimpy’s grievance we shall, all of us, make an effort to allow room for all creatures at the watering hole. All in agreeance? Excellent. Next order of business.”

“I politely ask if the elephants and other larger animals can make sure not to trample down the trees and high bushes surrounding the watering hole. My herd and I tend to browse on the higher shrubbery none of you can reach, long necks and all.”

“We don’t trample.”

“Sometimes you do. I still remember the fright it gave all of us when you ran from Lyon.”

“Aah, that was fun.”

“No, it wasn’t. You ate my cousin.”

“Ah, he was small and didn’t look properly at the tree he was about to eat from. Nearly ate my tail. I was simply defending myself.”

“Eating another animal is not self-defense.”

“It made sure no one else tried to eat my tail though, didn’t it? And your cousin really was quite delicious.”

“Oh, for crying out loud. Can someone wake up Gimpy. He’s fainted.”

“Ooh, I do like helping gazelles.”

“More like helping yourself to gazelles.”

“Back off Lyon or I’ll trample you since I’m apparently so good at it.”

“Fine, fine. I was joking. I’ll go back to my shadows and simply watch.”

“And keep your teeth to yourself.”

“Now, Elbert. I kindly ask if you could please keep in mind the no trampling rule?”

“I don’t trample.”

“Then please watch where you step?”

“I always do.”

“Elbert!”

“Elbert will make note of your request, Gary. As will the rhinos. We do have a tendency to bulldoze things.”

“See? Sticking your nose into everyone’s business.”

“Unlike you, Elbert?”

“PLEASE! GET ON WITH THIS MEETING BEFORE I EAT THE WHOLE LOT OF YOU!”

“Threatening the elephants, Leo? We never forget an insult. Remember that.”

“Apologies. Please. Continue. Continue in a ‘problem solving’ way. Please.”

“Okay. We’ve covered the subject of Carl and his jokes, making way for the gazelles, and no trampling of the foliage. Is that all?”

“One more thing. Never invite the hyena again.”

“Oh, but he’s great fun. He can take a joke.”

“Of course you would think so, Carl. You both like laughing at other animal’s expenses. Maybe we should ban you both from future Council Meetings.”

“Please, no more Council Meetings ever again.”

“Ohhh, the lion is afraid of us herbivores.”

“No. I’m afraid of what I’ll do if I have to sit through another meeting like this.”

“What? Eat us all? I’d like to see you try to take down an elephant.”

“My pride and I would be happy to try. I’d keep the tusks as a trophy.”

“Oh! How dare you!”

“The leopards will help.”

“Lyon!”

“Stupid cats can’t do anything, don’t worry. Leo is all mane and no brain and Lyon – Aaah!”

“Lyon, get off Oli this instant!”

“Why? He insulted my friend and myself. I should pluck his feathers one by one and then eat him. It’s my lunchtime anyway.”

“DON’T YOU DARE-“

“Ow! Elbert, you stomped on my hoof!”

“Oh, sorry - OOF! What was that for, Zelda!?”

“For stepping on my hoof. I still have some kick left in these old hooves.”

“There’s a leopard about to eat Oli and you’re worried about your hoof!”

“I’m simply standing up for myself.”

“Elbert, Zelda. Help me get Lyon off Oli before I hurt him.”

“Ow! Ow! My plumes!”

“Like plucking a chicken.”

“Leo! Do something!”

“No. He insulted my pride.”

“Oh, you and your stupid pride! Try caring for someone other than yourself!”

“Oh. I will. I care about my pride. Maybe I’ll feed it a nice neck of giraffe.”

“Woah, Leo. You know running isn’t my strong – AAH!”

“Carnivores first, carnivores first. As predicted, Vida.”

“Yess. The leopard is even plucking our meal for us. How lovely. You know I hate getting feathers in my mouth.”

“Yes, yes but the zebra and the elephant may give us a taste too. The elephant stomps but the zebra kicks, the rhino prepares his horn. A thousand stabs, same as one.”

“Perhaps the gazelle will be the first to be eaten. He still hasn’t moved.”

“Ah, too stringy, gazelles. But meat is meat is meat.”

“Heh heh. There is always a feast in the Savannah. It’s simply a matter of waiting.”

“Waiting, waiting, circling, circling. Where shall the circle of life lead us all.”

“Death, Vida. Death and a feast for the vultures.”