A week at Jennings Corp.

To: HerbertGossamer@yahoo.com

From: JenningsHR@yahoo.com

Subject: Performance Review

Dear Mr. Gossamer,

This is a friendly reminder that your quarterly performance review is set for Tuesday, January 2nd at 1:00 p.m. If this time is inconvenient for you, please email us back within 24 business hours.

To: JenningsHR@yahoo.com

From: HerbertGossamer@yahoo.com

RE: Performance Review

Thank you for the reminder. 1:00 is fine.

-Herbert Gossamer.

To: HerbertGossamer@yahoo.com

From: GeorgeSinep@yahoo.com 

Subject: Sandwich.

Hey man, my sandwich is missing from the fridge in the break room. You wouldn’t have happened to have seen it would you? 

To: GeorgeSinep@yahoo.com

From: HerbertGossamer@yahoo.com

RE: Sandwich

No, I haven't. Are you sure you didn’t put it in the fridge near Carol’s office instead?

To: HerbertGossamer@yahoo.com

From: FredConnard@yahoo.com

Subject: Performance Review

Hebert, I hope this email finds you well.

I am just double checking to make sure you got the message from HR that your quarterly performance review is set for Tuesday, Jan 2nd at 1:00 p.m. Also, I know how much you like motorcycles, so here’s a link to a couple of photos of me with my motorcycle. Her name is Fifi. 

Motorcycle.FredIsCool.FifiandMe.Images

To: FredConnard@yahoo.com

From: HerbertGossamer@yahoo.com

RE: Performance Review

Thanks for the images sir, but I feel the need to tell you that it’s Mike from accounting that likes motorcycles, not me. I can send the images to him if you want. 

To: HerbertGossamer@yahoo.com

From: FredConnard@yahoo.com

RE: Performance Review

Yes, please do. That would be very satisfactory.

To: AaronVickers@yahoo.com

Cc/Bcc: AbelGreenspan@yahoo.com, AdelaideJeffries@yahoo.com, AdeleM101@yahoo.com AhimBruhali@yahoo.com, AJRhotena404@yahoo.com, AjuMalikBruhim@yahoo.com, ... , HerbertGossamer@yahoo.com, HeweyHecimalHystem@yahoo.com, ... , ZsaZsaKlondike@yahoo.com

From: JenningsHR@yahoo.com

Subject: Flu Season

Hello everyone.

Here at Jennings Corp. we strive to make sure everyone is happy and healthy, which is why we’re sending out this list of steps everyone should be taking this flu season. 

1. Cover your coughs and sneezes. I know this sounds obvious guys, but we’re all guilty of not covering a cough or sneeze from time to time. It’s a simple step that can prevent multiple germs from spreading from person to person by floating around in the air.

2. Thoroughly wash your hands. Again it’s obvious, and again, we’re all guilty of not doing this from time to time. I get it guys, you’re busy and have places to be. But POOP HANDS ARE GROSS. Wash your hands with soap and warm water for twenty seconds making sure you get everywhere. This includes in between your fingers and under your fingernails.

3. Don’t share food. This is an easy way for someone else’s germs to get inside your body and make you sick. 

4. Don’t have unprotected sex. This step isn’t specific to the flu season, but you should follow it anyway. 

5. If you’re sick, stay home. Not only would coming to work pose a risk for other people at the office, but when you’re sick, you should stay home and rest. Coming to work when your sick will only make you feel worse.

6. Avoid touching your face. Germs can enter easily into your body from your eyes, mouth or nose. Avoid touching these areas if possible. You may touch yourself in other places.

If we all follow these simple steps, we can make sure that Jennings Corp. is a happy, healthy workplace environment.

To: HerbertGossamer@yahoo.com

From: Sexytitsmeow@ragingcunt.com

Subject: Let’s fuuuuuuuuuucccccckkkkk

My name’s Candy and I’m looking to fuck. I’m a petite blonde bimbo who needs to be taught a naughty lesson. Wanna pound me? I do all the naughty things ;) find my dirty pictures here:

Www.Ragingcunt/SexySexy//WalrusTesticles.com

To: MikeLitoris@yahoo.com

From: HerbertGossamer@yahoo.com

Subject: Motorcycles

Hey Mike,

Mr. Connard remembered you like motorcycles and wanted me to share these pictures with you.

Motorcycle.FredIsCool.FifiandMe.Images

To: HerbertGossamer@yahoo.com 

From: MikeLitoris@yahoo.com 

RE Motorcycles

Thanks. I never knew Mr. Connard was so into motorcycles.

To: HerbertGossamer@yahoo.com

From: MabelGossamer@yahoo.com

No subject

Facebook.

To: HerbertGossamer@yahoo.com

From: MabelGossamer@yahoo.com

No subject 

Facebook.com

To: HerbertGossamer@yahoo.com

From: MabelGossamer@yahoo.com

No subject

Facebook.com my son Herbert.

To: MabelGossamer@yahoo.com

From: HerbertGossamer@yahoo.com

No subject

Mom, this isn’t Facebook. This is yahoo.

To: HerbertGossamer@yahoo.com

From: MabelGossamer@yahoo.com

No subject

Yahoo.com my son Hebert.

To: MabelGossamer@yahoo.com

From: HerbertGossamer@yahoo.com

No subject

No mom, that’s not how it works. Do you want me to explain Yahoo to you again?

To: HerbertGossamer@yahoo.com

From: MabelGossamer@yahoo.com

No subject

Cheese.

To: MabelGossamer@yahoo.com

From: HerbertGossamer@yahoo.com

No subject

Did you mean to say yes?

To: HerbertGossamer@yahoo.com

From: MabelGossamer@yahoo.com

No subject

Yes...

To: HerbertGossamer@yahoo.com

From: GeorgeSinep@yahoo.com

RE: Sandwich.

Still haven’t found my sandwich.

To: GeorgeSinep@yahoo.com

From: HerbertGossamer@yahoo.com

RE: Sandwich

Can’t talk right now man. 

To: HerbertGossamer@yahoo.com

From: GeorgeSinep@yahoo.com

RE: Sandwich.

But my sandwich...

To: HerbertGossamer@yahoo.com

From: FredConnard@yahoo.com

Subject: Company Fishing Trip 

Hey Hebert, 

I see you still haven’t RSVP’d to the company fishing trip. Do you plan on going? All the guys will miss you if you aren’t there.

To: FredConnard@yahoo.com

From: HerbertGossamer@yahoo.com

RE: Company Fishing Trip

I thought I did RSVP, maybe the email didn’t send. I’ll double check.

To: RajGhutrali@yahoo.com

From: HerbertGossamer@yahoo.com

Subject: Company Fishing Trip

Hey Raj, I’m emailing you regarding the company fishing trip. I sent an RSVP to you a while ago, but you didn’t seem to get it so I’m RSVPing again.

I can’t wait for the trip!

-Herbert Gossamer

To: HerbertGossamer@yahoo.com

From: RajGhutrali@yahoo.com

RE: Company Fishing Trip

I did get your first Email. I just ignored it because I hate you.

To: RajGhutrali@yahoo.com

From: HerbertGossamer@yahoo.com

RE: Company Fishing Trip

Oh, ok...

To: HerbertGossamer@yahoo.com

From: MabelGossamer@yahoo.com

No subject

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To: MabelGossamer@yahoo.com

From: HerbertGossamer@yahoo.comp

No subject

Mom, I think your F is key stuck.

To: HerbertGossamer@yahoo.com

From: JenningsHR@yahoo.com

Subject: Performance review update 

Dear Mr. Gossamer, 

We regret to inform you that your boss, Mr. Fred Connard, has died in a terrible motorcycling accident. This means that he can not make it to conduct your quarterly review on Tuesday, Jan 2nd at 1:00 p.m. Because of this, we have pushed back your quarterly performance review to Thursday, Jan 4th and 11:00 a.m. If this time does not work for you, please contact us within 24 business hours.

To: HerbertGossamer@yahoo.com

Cc/Bcc: AbelGreenspan@yahoo.com, AdelaideJeffries@yahoo.com, AdeleM101@yahoo.com AhimBruhali@yahoo.com, AJRhotena404@yahoo.com, AjuMalikBruhim@yahoo.com, ... , HeweyHecimalHystem@yahoo.com, ... , ZsaZsaKlondike@yahoo.com 

From: GeorgeSinep@yahoo.com

Hey everyone, I’m still missing my sandwich from last week...

Also, Mr. Connard died.

To: AaronVickers@yahoo.com

Cc/Bcc: AbelGreenspan@yahoo.com, AdelaideJeffries@yahoo.com, AdeleM101@yahoo.com AhimBruhali@yahoo.com, AJRhotena404@yahoo.com, AjuMalikBruhim@yahoo.com, ... , HerbertGossamer@yahoo.com, HeweyHecimalHystem@yahoo.com, ... , ZsaZsaKlondike@yahoo.com

From: JenningsHR@yahoo.com

Subject: Wake

Mr. Connard’s family has just contacted us and told us that his wake is planned for January 9th. Any employee wishing to go may leave work at 12:00. It will be held at Uptown Baptist Church and will start at 1:00. 

Since Jennings Corp. strives to make sure everyone is happy and healthy, follow these three steps to avoid getting sick at the wake:

1. Don’t touch the body. Dead bodies have germs all over them, so avoid touching the dead body. Licking is a form of touching.

2. Don’t piss into your hand. While this a general rule of thumb, it rings especially true at wakes where pissing into your hand is most inappropriate. 

3. Some third thing.

To: HerbertGossamer@yahoo.com

From: AbelGreenspan@yahoo.com

No subject

Hey man, wanna help me kill myself?

To: AbelGreenspan@yahoo.com

From: HerbertGossamer@yahoo.com

No subject.

No. What the hell!?! Why the hell would you ask me that!?!

To: HerbertGossamer@yahoo.com

From: JenningsHR@yahoo.com

Subject: Abel Greenspan

Dear Mr. Gossamer,

One of your coworkers, Mr. Abel Greenspan, told us that you refused to help him kill himself. We here at Jennings Corp. are a helpful, caring community, and your actions towards Mr. Greenspan were neither helpful nor caring. When you refused to help him kill himself, Mr. Greenspan felt marginalized and unheard, which, and I quote: “made him want to kill himself even more.” Because of this, we leave you with a choice Mr. Gossamer. Either help Abel Greenspan kill himself or lose your job.

To: HerbertGossamer@yahoo.com

From: RajGhutrali@yahoo.com

Subject: Your head.

I hate you so much, I want to kill you. I want your head on a plate.

To: JenningsHR@yahoo.com

From: HerbertGossamer@yahoo.com

Subject: Complaint.

One of my Coworkers, Rag Ghutrali has been threatening me constantly over email. He says he wants to kill me. I no longer feel safe in the office with him here. 

To: HerbertGossamer@yahoo.com

From: JenningsHR@yahoo.com

RE: Complaint 

Dear Mr. Gossamer, 

We here at HR have seen many things, but this is by far the most low down and vile. How dare you try to create a false scenario and victimize yourself while you sir are indeed the villain? A villainous man who refuses to help another man kill himself? Your outbursts have gone far enough, you either quit by tomorrow or are hereby fired from Jennings Corp. 

To: Sexytitsmeow@ragingcunt.com

From: HerbertGossamer@yahoo.com

RE: Let’s fuuuuuuuuuucccccckkkkk

You still wanna fuck? Because damn, could I use a good fuck right now...