Life's Trial

"I can't believe this is happening to me..." she said in a broken voice. "I've become nothing but useless." She couldn't find the words to express the thoughts racing through her mind. Thoughts and emotions blended into one. Uncertain and confused, she didn't know how she would live the rest of her life.

Elissa slumped back on her bed. The joints on her arms and legs reduced the free-flowing movements she used to have. She felt like a puppet manipulated by the strings of a puppeteer. Pain invaded her arms and legs as it travelled from her joints to her muscles. Amidst the pain and the nightmare sensations which were her reality right now, she wondered if this was what hell feels like. If hell existed.

"Oh my sweet niece, you shouldn't.... oh my goodness! What's the matter Elissa?!" Aunt Sophia exclaimed. She was wide-eyed and placed her hand on her heart. After hearing that Elissa was sick, she visited immediately and was full of concern for her. Looking at her great niece, she frowned and bit her lip. Hearing about Elissa's condition was one thing but seeing it directly was a completely different thing. No one prepares you for this.

Aunt Sophie was perched on the edge of the bed where Elissa lay. They had been talking.

"It all started when I began to feel so tired everyday. There wasn't any rational reason for it. Things just got worst from there." Elissa had been telling her aunt about the first time she felt sick. Aunt Sophie listened sympathetically. She was about to comfort the young woman who was lowering her own self-esteem.

Then, in an instant, like the dull echo of a bell after complete silence, Elissa switched from her lowered gaze and unemotional expression to eyes tightly shut and tense face muscles. Her body was attacked again by various levels of pain. This time Aunt Sophie was witness to it. Unprepared for such a thing, she shot up from the bed and frantically ran around both sides of the bed, searching for a way to help Elissa.

"Elissa! Oh Elissa! What can I do? What should I do?" Aunt Sophie panicked.

Elissa couldn't move. She could barely speak. She felt like molten lead. Searing pain invaded her joints then spread very slowly up and down her arms and legs. Her eyes widened and her body quivered a little. It was the only sign of fear she could show while her immobile joints pinned her to her bed.

Aunt Sophie made so much noise that it brought Elissa's mother running to the room.

"What is...?" Then her eyes fell on the bed and her daughter's plight. "Oh no.. Elissa..." Her lips barely managed the beginnings of a whisper as she watched the scene in front of her eyes. She was horrified. No matter how many times she saw it, this was always her reaction.

She hurried to the drawer across the room from the entrance door and frantically searched for the medicine the doctor had given her. Thankful that she didn't have to search long, she gave it to Elissa swiftly. It was meant for extreme situations and this was definitely one of those moments.

Aunt Sophie watched weakly. She held her heart.

"I never saw this before with my own eyes. I only heard about people with this condition. It's so scary. I thought I would get a heart attack seeing her like that."

Elissa's mother sighed as she poured a glass of water and handed it to Aunt Sophie. "Yes. Well.. Elissa became sick suddenly. It started with her getting exhausted a lot. We didn't think much of it. Since she's a nurse we just thought it was because of her work, you know. Unfortunately it didn't end when she rested."

Aunt Sophie gratefully sipped some water and listened. "She told me that her joints became stiff. She couldn't move when that happened. It started to scare her but she still didn't go and have a check on it."

Elissa's mom, Mary, nodded. "That's right, Aunt. She was so busy at work and didn't find time to see the doctor. But then the pain started. It felt like her arms and legs were on fire at the joints. The pain slowly spreads from there to other parts of her body like her arms and legs. She can barely move when that happens."

Aunt Sophie shook her head and swallowed. A sympathetic sound escaped her lips. She drank more water.

Mary continued as she looked at Elissa while sitting beside her. "Finally she had to go see the doctor. They did many tests and...." She paused for a moment then said, "Three weeks ago we got the news. Elissa has been diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis."

Elissa lay on her back, staring at the ceiling. She couldn't move yet. It would take another hour or two for her to be able to move again. Sometimes it took longer. Even whole days. Her mom had forced the medication down her throat carefully but firmly so that she'd swallow it. It helped ease the pain at least.

She listened to her mom and mom's aunt talking about her. It hadn't really hit her yet but when her mom said it, it felt like the final decision judges make in court as they slam the gavel on a hard wooden surface. Realization struck her hard in that moment. She was stuck with the disease for the rest of her life. It's chronic after all, she thought numbly.

Elissa thought about her life. She had been a normal, healthy, 34-year-old woman. She loved her job and didn't mind the hard work it involved. The patients in the ward she was assigned to were so precious to her, especially the children. She loved children. They brought infinite joy and vibrant energy into her life in a way she couldn't even express in words. Children were an everlasting delight to her. She always believed that they are special gifts to the world.

She was passionate about helping people and caring for them. While growing up, she began to understand the world around her more. She realized that many people needed help and care sometimes. This fueled her passion to become a nurse. It suited her and she knew it.

Her job filled her soul and made her feel alive. Her eyes sparkled like dew drops penetrated by sunlight in the early dawn. Her bright and cheerful smile was like the sun itself. Her patients always remembered her this way. They loved her sweet, kind voice and her gentle way with them. She was more patient than most people would be.

Elissa loved walking around and talking to the patients. She liked listening to the stories they told of their own lives. Each person's life fascinated her. One day she saw sick children in hospital. She watched them with a sinking heart and made up her mind to work in the children's ward. All she wanted to do was make them smile and feel comfortable away from their homes. She understood how children felt when they were sick and away from their parents in an unfamiliar place like a hospital. Elissa became the brightest ray of sunshine for those kids.

She smiled as she thought about her job. She missed it and the kids. She knew that they must be wondering why she didn't go to them anymore. It's been almost a month, hasn't it? I can't even work like I used to.. the children..... Her thoughts trailed away as they became too overwhelming to bear.

A few hours later she could move again. She sat up on her bed. Elissa looked around her and found herself alone in her room. Mom and Aunt Sophie must have left me to rest. Swinging her legs of the bed slowly, she stood up. It felt like she'd just stepped out of a dream. Like everything happened to someone else; not to her.

Going to the bathroom she splashed some water on her face. It felt cool and refreshing. For now she was okay but still very careful. Her condition was still very new to her. Feeling hungry she went to the kitchen. She could smell something delicious. Mmm.. meat pie. Mom must have cooked lunch already.

Her mom and Aunt Sophie were in the kitchen. They saw her and smiled. "How are you feeling now, dear?" Aunt Sophie's gaze never left her as she asked the question.

"I'm okay... for now, Aunt Sophie. Sorry to scare you like that earlier. Uhm... that just happens randomly." Her lips curved up slightly and she tried to look normal in front of her great aunt.

They ate together. It was mostly pleasant. No one spoke about Elissa's health. She was grateful for that, especially since Aunt Sophie gave her looks as if she was a completely different person - not in an offending way; just her way of showing genuine concern or pity. Elissa didn't want pity. It made her feel more miserable.

The conversation over the meal was pleasant enough. However, it was hugely contrasted with the sense of awkwardness which clung to the air around them. Elissa could feel it like a suffocating fog. She knew it was mostly her own self-consciousness though.

* * *

Four months later Elissa was still in self-denial. She couldn't accept it. There must be some mistake, right? I'm sure I can be cured. If I keep getting treatments I should be cured soon! She crossed her fingers, shut her eyes tight and wished for it as if it's the last wish she'd ever make in her life.

Unfortunately there wasn't any cure. She was told that treatments could only reduce the symptoms. Elissa had to resign herself to constantly taking medications.

Since her illness bothered her a lot and she was dealing with all her heavy emotions, she couldn't work. She missed work. She felt like an empty shell of herself without the children. I want to see the kids again. I want to give them my brightest smile. I want to hug them. I want to tell them everything will be alright and they'll see their mom and dad soon. They must be so scared. I'm scared too.

In a flash, before she realized it, her whole life changed. She didn't even recognize it anymore. She lived as one in a dream. Due to her condition, she tried to avoid being seen whenever possible. Her eating habits changed. Her lifestyle changed. She couldn't take long walks. She couldn't go swimming in the lake like she used to on her days off in summer. She couldn't go cycling every morning before work. Her body wouldn't let her anymore. Movement -which many of us take for granted; including Elissa - was terribly limited to her now.

At family gatherings or parties she couldn't enjoy herself the same way she used to before her illness. She loved dancing. As the music filled her mind and ears she would just let herself go and dance freely. She would always get lost in the rhythm and beat. Nothing could stop her. She swallowed hard when she thought of her care-free days.

* * *

She sat on a soft, luxurious sofa. It felt so comfortable that she could fall asleep right there. Scattered around the large room, a crowd of people laughed, danced and did whatever people gathered together do.

Elissa kept to herself unless someone approached her for a chat. The chats were short and about trifling things. Mostly because she was confined to one place and they were not. Invited to a friend's party, she couldn't refuse. So there she was. No one in that room knew about her condition except her friend. Afraid of "joint attacks" - as she called them - she dared not dance or walk around too much. The party guests left her alone mostly. They were too busy enjoying themselves. 

It didn't matter to her. She wanted to avoid people at all costs if she could. She didn't feel like being seen and being out there like before. Her life was different now. As she watched people moving about, she missed those things too. She noticed the tiny details like the way people flitted from table to table as they chose a delicious treat or refreshing drink. Her eyes travelled from one thing to another until the dance floor filled her field of vision. She watched the smooth movements of the dancers as they glided freely across the dance floor.

She felt weird just sitting there while everyone danced or socialized. It was awkward and she felt left out. Thinking about all the things she was missing made her stand up and make excuses to leave. She got out of that "suffocating" place quickly. Relief washed over her like a free-flowing waterfall over a rock pool when she was out of there. She walked as fast as possible - for her - to get away.

Her overwhelming emotions weren't limited to parties only. Normal, day-to-day life affected her too. Watching people go about their daily lives, she was filled with longing countered by reluctance. She felt invisible and hated herself.

Elissa thought about how simple movement was something she never noticed before. Like most people, she took human processes and activities for granted. They were just there naturally. People expected it as part of the flow of life. But life can turn at any moment.

Elissa's life was turned upside down without warning. It put every detail into perspective. It was an effort to move her hand to pick up a glass of water; a challenge to move one leg in front of the other when walking. She wanted to hide and erase her presence forever.

Looking out of her bedroom window she listened to the sounds of life all around her - of people laughing, children playing, the sound of shoes hammering the ground or floors as people walked or ran doing what they had to do and caught snippets of conversations here and there. She felt unreal, like she wasn't part of life. Frowning, she questioned her existence and her worth. She didn't go out much just to avoid contact with people, especially of those she knew. If she had to go out she averted her eyes or wore hoods or caps just to avoid being recognized. She didn't want to see the look of pity in people's eyes.

Her mother began to worry about her. Elissa could live her life as normally as possible if she chose to. Mary knew it. It's just that her daughter was becoming self-destructive and developing chronic depression. Mary decided to talk to her during dinner that day.

"Elissa... it's true that you had to make big changes in your life, but you're still the same person even if you're physically limited. I hope you know that. No one thinks less of you than before. It's just you who feels this way because you're comparing yourself with others now. I hope you understand this. Don't make things worst for yourself."

Elissa didn't reply but she heard every word her mother said. As more time passed she adjusted and adapted herself slowly. When her situation became critical and she reached her lowest because of depression she'd had enough. Then she decided to just stop it. She was tired of feeling low and like a ghost all the time. She wanted her life back.

Slowly she started to realize that there were things she could still do even with restrictions. I always thought that I can't do anything anymore. I was comparing myself to others and my healthy self. Being sick like this, I always felt that I'm less than before. I thought only in terms of the physical. But mom is right. I'm still me. The same person I was before getting sick. I'm claiming my life back!

Filled with new life and spirit Elissa accepted herself as she is. She learned that the most important thing is to love herself. Realizing that, she changed and improved her life a little at a time. She didn't go back to work as a nurse, but she volunteered to help at the hospital. She couldn't go cycling but she took short walks. She could swim a little too. She filled her life with the things she loved doing - shortened versions of them.

Even though it couldn't cure her, it helped her manage her symptoms and live her life as normally as she could. Elissa wanted to help other women who were dealing with rheumatoid arthritis too. She set up a blog and wrote about her experiences and how thoughts affect people. She brought hope, courage and strength to women with the same situation as her. After years of self-destruction Elissa was happy again and living her life to the fullest in her own way and she helped others do the same.