The Pretender Plague

It’s funny. I only write here at my lowest. For the last week the plague has reappeared, tormenting my flawed existence. In the palm of my hand, I could feel it, the grasp of sanity. Trust in my being and just like that, in a fleeting moment, it’s gone. For these past few years, clarity has felt like an unblocked nose, only missed when you no longer have it, then it’s all you wish for. At this moment it’s all I can wish for. That the strength inside me, as elusive as it is, can overcome this disease; but maybe I am destined to walk this empty plain of solitude forever. I’ll have probably wrote this before, not that I can remember. Well, I can, it’s complicated but it’s something my brain ticks over at every conscious moment. Sleep is currently my only reprieve. Five or six hours of calm, meaningless and unrememberable dreams. Until I am awoken alongside my unpredictable voyager, who rises as soon as my brain is switched on, inescapable. Where am I even heading on this journey? At one point I think I knew; I saw a clear destination with at least an idea-a hope to get there; but now I’m lost. Accompanied with the sorrowful feeling that I may never find this path again. Am I really to wander aimlessly for the rest of my sorry excuse for an existence? I already don’t mean that. My love for the life I had-have is all I cling to. An image of paradise which at one point I took for normality.

I was about to start today’s entry with “It’s strange”, but I started the last one with “it’s funny”. Too repetitive, guess that comes hand in hand with the plague. Earlier I thought of a possible name for it, ‘The Pretending Plague’. Somewhat childish, but catchy and unfortunately true. The nature is obsessive, working its way into your feelings and thoughts, worst of all your memories. But no dwelling, or maybe I just don’t want to write about it anymore, it already curses my every moment. Journey-wise, there has been little progress. As I spent the day wandering, just desperately searching for hope, any sign to guide me toward my salvation. Mirages of mixed directions, faux lights which changed paths, yet it all ultimately led to more misery. I thought I had it for a moment, calmness among my calamity, though its presence was too fleeting to be a reality. Instead of losing its grip, the plague merely adjusted its footing. Is there anything so adaptable, so fluid? My bearings are all but lost, so I’m unsure the name of the path I walk on. But I’ll name it Lightwater way, after a distant memory of a place I used to visit. A place of instability and uncertainty, would it get worse, the terrain, would it get impassable? Then I saw her. An angel from a past life. She stood before me, feet gently brushing the rubbly road ahead. I’m no stranger to this journey and rarely, if ever, have I come across another. There had been occasions, I’d seen someone, even spoken to them, especially when the plague first attached itself to me. They helped guide me as best they could, which was invaluable to me. They tried their best to understand my illness and treat it in anyway they could. Initially it succeeded, how were we to know it would strike again in whatever way it could? Not only did it strike me now, but suffocated me in a barrage of attacks, only growing its confidence in the loss of mine. All thanks to that aid, I could sleep at night whilst the plague wanted to keep me awake, to continue its torture. For those people I could never be thankful enough. However, the journey always continues and as I grew accustomed to the Pretender Plague, I stopped calling to them and for normality. I let myself sink deeper with my companion as it slowly morphed my reality. So, as I am, I was weary to approach this delicate flower ahead of me. Gleaming in beauty, made me fearful that I’d make it darker. It was perfect, emitting warmth from her heart which could be felt twenty or so meters away. For a fair amount of time, I made no approach. Stunned in adoration, shamed in guilt. Was I even worth to be conversing with it? I’ been on this journey of seclusion for so long that I can’t see reality anymore, only my twisted one. I didn’t want to disturb her angelic aura with the gloomy, dim cloud that attached itself to me. Yet I did, I approached with the urge that I just had to, almost vomiting my fears and worries, dreams and hopes, my guilt and shame. For a little while I heard no feedback. An unreadable face and the body language of a stoic. Until she unholstered her arms and wrapped them tightly around me and I lost all my years. I bawled as I would have done in my mother’s arms 24 years ago; only this time the cries came from complex emotions. As I ceased my cries, her arm slid from my back to my hand, turning her body to face the same rock path I did.

                       “Walk with me?”

She didn’t need to ask me twice. Who was she to shelter my fears and help guide me? I have never felt so blessed. As we spoke, I could sense her guidance, nudging me toward the direction of my destination, and we headed onwards.

I know where I need to go, but how I get there eludes me. The campfire I’ve made at tonight’s resting place is too bright that outside this bubble of light, is pure darkness. Colourless and motionless. My glowing partner had to leave me. She said she’d be back, but this path I had to walk on my own. Forever I will treasure her help, her belief in me and her ability to see through the plague. Lightwater way was done. I’d passed through the rocky hills and troughs, but it led me here, to this dark wilderness. Open fields of long grass, seemingly endless. It had the occasional ‘mushroom tree’ – need to note to stop naming so childishly once again- as the shape I could only explain as fungus-like. Least it was keeping me and my fire somewhat sheltered, every now and then a water drop with collected interest, would splat me on the head and shoulders. The fire kept alight though, thankfully, giving me what warmth it could offer. I’m sat here hoping for the sweet relief of sleep, worrying about the day to come. One day I’ll leave this all behind me. I’ll heal from this plague, even possibly have the chance to tell all those I left behind that I love them eternally, and if there was any way to show this I would. Maybe they’ll never truly know, or maybe they would not want to hear it. I realise how much I need to heal and just make everything okay, but what if I can’t? What if this plague has done its lasting damage to me? If there was one thing, I could tell them right now is that the boy I was before this journey is still in there and he will always hold you close, always. Though I still remain silent, maybe if I just scream out to them, they will hear me and come to my aid. But I can’t, I just can’t find it within myself. Pride, probably shame, it’s funny (again), how do these emotions only exist when catalysed by others’ love? Sat here I wish I could take my mind off everything, but how could I? There’s nothing surrounding me but darkness, strengthening in my every slip and vulnerability. You try hide everything from it, anything is ammunition for it, yet it already knows all your dirty secrets. Even more than you may know yourself, or so it wants you to think.

It's a new day, the darkness of morning was slightly brighter today. The plague still tried though, as it feels like it will forever, but what are my options, quit? Today I will be attempting a slightly dangerous trek. With how I felt this morning it seemed like a good time to make the leap. Along this journey so far, I’ve noticed how any progress damages the force the plague can control me with, however little impact that maybe. Going from path to path, as I have done /in my unguided way, allows it to maintain strength. Ultimately this means I may not have made as much progress as I thought. Understanding the plague is the key to ending my journey of suffering, I’m sure of it. Hence, I’m trying something different. If I try enough different ideas, surely one has to work right? I can’t stop replaying every moment of my accompanied walk yesterday, or the day before, one of them anyway. She was almost golden, any imperfections were imperceivable to my modest eye. Her brightness unaffected by my darkness. Specifically, there were two words she spoke that had stuck with me

           “Trust yourself”

How could I do that, trust myself? The plague distorts all I think and feel, how could I possibly know if I’m talking, or it is? Its camouflage is uncanny. Not that I questioned why she reappeared to me, again consoling me; it reminded me of a feeling I’d lost long ago. An urge to be around her, to know her thoughts and desires, even an impulse to nurture it! Me, nurture another being! I can barely keep my own soul intact! The name of this feeling I’ve lost to the dark and the plague, but I’ll keep the feeling of that moment as close as I can; well, for as long as I can…

I took the path, but I think it’s safe to say the day felt out of the ordinary. For as long as I can remember, days merge into each other, leaving my past to feel like one long string of consciousness nightmares, unable to be paused or accelerated. Previous expeditions through Lightwater way, through the green plains; they all had a certain consistency about them. There wasn’t a change of pace with them. I knew what to expect, there were no surprises. However, as I came to the crossroads, and in my decision, I chose to take the route to the left. I trusted myself, taking the path of uncertainty. Leaving behind the dark grey of the mushroom tree, Banbar way awaited me. After dragging my feet or so for what only felt like ten minutes, I saw it. I saw…light! With my own two eyes I saw a bright sky, as vivid as any worry. Writing this now I’m unsure in myself, it could have been a fever dream, but the only thing I can cling to is that it was a positive. The Pretender Plague is a marvel, but one aspect deceit it cannot reproduce is the hope of joy. So, I saw it, if only for a glimmer, what an admirable moment! Sorry to say but the rest of the day does not keep such positivism. But that is not just who I have become now, where the plague and I have coexisted for so long, parts of us have merged. I can’t tell where the boundaries begin. That glimmer soon enough fell back into the darkness, where I belong, and not only had I gained nothing, but my pit of sadness swallowed those rare moments of joy I experienced. The path led down, spiralling, until I lost my footing and allowed the steep path to drag me lower and lower, until momentum left me still. The gravel of the terrain clawed me in my descent, leaving a burning sensation down my spine. As I lay there for a moment, to recollect my defeated thoughts, I stared at the blackness above me. Although I hate to admit it, I scratched at the gravel to my sides, throwing handfuls toward nothingness. The hope has once again left me deflated; every time it’s snatched I lose air. What will happen when I’m finally empty? I’m left debating in desperation if I call out to the golden wonder, there was no one else who could pick me up. Would she even have any answers for me? She may just shrug her shoulders in dismissiveness. Could I even tell her my own truth? Or has that opportunity floated to the wind…

To rip off the band aid – I couldn’t, couldn’t tell her. Even though I called, getting those words out; I just couldn’t. She looked at me with her loving, caring eyes, but for whatever reason nothing would leave my lips. That’s a lie, we spoke tirelessly, but I just didn’t feel the crippling urge within my stomach to blurt out even more than I had last time. Buried deep within me, there’s a fear that after a bombardment of sad truths, it may be the lad she’d want to hear. Turn away from me and leave me once again with the lone company of my voyager. Maybe next time, if there is one. Yes, there was doom and gloom, although out conversation lacked my urgent agenda, she brought here own. Through my endless suffering in this alter-reality plain, here and there I’d heard murmurs. Cryptic signs of a higher body who patrolled the infinite plains. In honesty, I forever doubted and neglected them, put no trust in the native of this plain. Throughout my struggles, apart from the very beginning, I tossed the idea to the side. A notion of cyclical hope that I had spared myself; a pipe dream. The light, I think I’ll call her, told me they exist, how I could reach them and as positive as this was, fear and angst gripped me. I’d always thought this was the last resort, and I guess it is? In recent times, the plague really feels as though it’s hold is nothing but solidified, like it’s found the transparency in my soul and laying my vulnerability bare, a perfect target. The trust I have in the lady of light led me to make a leap that I could never bring myself to make. Following her instruction, I changed course once again and headed down a very remote path. I’d left the gravel spiral facing my calves and attempted to find the way to which my being depended on. It was as though all paths in this horror landscape morphed and shapeshifted – probably to disrupt the only recognisable way for any resemblance of direction. From my understanding of my time, it’s an unending series of paths and hills, whatever the land can offer. But it lacks life, light and any sense of progression. It must have been hours that I followed this new guidance, in complete darkness, with no way of knowing where I was or if I’m even going the right way. There’s nothing I can make out, sometimes on these dark roads, you begin to see outlines in the darkness, but not here. Am I wrong to put such faith in someone, sheerly because I believed they might understand me?

I sit in wait now; the day is really struggling to be processed by my brain (and plague). Me, myself and I, in a limbo somewhere between paradise and hopelessness. From where I left off, the blackness lasted for an unquantifiable length of time, both rapid and still, though my doubt squandered. You have all the time to think, especially for me now more than ever. I’m going to hang off her every word. I’m ill, she’s not, simply who would you put your trust in? I have this parasite within me, who wants nothing more than me growing more lost, so whatever it tells me I should do the opposite, right? Unfortunately, the trust I have lost in myself, I transfer to her, and I just beg this is not my downfall. Where it led is somewhere I had never seen the like of. Eventually in the distance, the sky showed a lighter grey, though not bright but I took it encouragingly, nonetheless. I chased it, with the desperation of a cure. Not long after, I was able to see the outlines of my path as they led to the distance. Cliffs of jagged rocks sat either side of me, keeping me caged, only presenting the option of moving forward or turning back. The walls must have been six or even seven times as tall as me perhaps, which gave me a very eerie sense that anyone could be atop and scowling down at me. But of course, not – I’m all alone. Eventually the walls began to retreat to…nothing? Well, there was no more path I could see. A look as I moved closer showed it was a cliff face facing the sea! The sea! I had not seen anything so beautiful since my journey began. In awe, I stared at the horizon, where even now, I believe I saw even more light. Without hesitation, I followed the rest of The Lady light’s instructions – to the letter. All I had to do was call out for aid, for anything that could hear me. The silence when I paused was louder than any of my cries. Until a sound from the distance, but for the life of me I couldn’t understand a word. In desperation, I yelled to ask it to repeat itself, near tears swallowed my eyes. Any cause for hope I would have taken, absolutely anything, without truly realising what little hope I had left was laid on this line. But nothing. Falling to my knees, impaled by the rocky surface below me, yet I felt no pain. I wish I was numb to emotion.