A Struggling Author Learns How To, "Auth"

Once upon a time in a huge metropolis called Danville, Va., there lived a great artist named Vincent Van-Stop. Well, actually his given name was Vincent VanGo The 26th, but he didn’t want to be affiliated with that crazy painter. His girlfriend, Trixie, told him she did not want to have his ear as a present. She loved the mountains and would much rather him take her up there where her ears would pop because she had an exceptionally strong attraction towards, “mountain-ears.” She also liked, “mountin’ ’” Vincent’s paintings on her living room wall.

Trixie was an exceptionally sweet girl and she was a real knock-out. At least that’s what Van Stop did to any guy who tried to take her away from him. He really did consider her as some eye-candy. In fact, some people would call her a real knock-out. Vam Stop especially did because that’s exactly what he would do to any guy who tried to take her away from him with one left-hook. One dude who was the captain of his own ship named Captain Frank tried to do that and ended up getting sent to do the exercise called the plank. If not, that’s what they would always end up walking. Vanstop was really a ruthless sailor when it came to his girlfriend since she had an appropriate name since she had a special way of playing them on men’s hearts.

The name of Captain VanStop’s ship was The S. S. Mudtode. He’d chozen that name strictly because he wanted a name that nobody else had, or would ever want to have in the future. Yet it was hard trying to find a crew who would sail on his ship with that name, which he succeeded.

The Captain’s arch enemy was a ruthless sailor named Captain Jack. He got that ame since he had, “hi-Jacked” a humongous boat full of seafood so all he had to say was, “Hie, Jack,” and both he and his whole crew jumped off their ship and swam to shore. Nobody wanted to mess with Captain VanStop. It took his whole crew, which meant 4, to get all the fish off of Jack’s ship and onto his own. He was truly a ruthless sailor, not only that, but he also hated hearing about the Ruth who is in the Bible. Since she was actually such a cool-cat, she wrote the Book about herself. At any rate, the Captain hated the book of Ruth. Well, actually, he hated the entire Bible which some people call The Iwog, which is The Infallible Word Of God. Some people tried to tell him that another name for the Good Book is called, “The Cannon,” which is what he had on his ship, but even that didn’t make him want to have anything to do with it. Nobody who had any sense would dare mess with Captain VanStop, and not only, “cents,” but also dollars. That includes gold, silver, doubloons or even tripplooons. He was just a bad-egg, in spite of him having the desire to sit on his front, “poach” since it brought him great joy to see the other ships crew, “scramble” to find protection or get away from his ship although he loved seeing the men desert their ships for that meant he could come, “over easy” to their ship. when he would bring all their goodies back it would always bring his, “sunny-side-up” which was, “egg”-zactly what he wanted to see, his men bringing all their precious things, “over-easy” to his ship since that would always, “scramble” the other crew men's brains. When he saw all of those goodies he could steal, he didn’t feel at all, “shell”-fish when he or his men would bring all those goodies, “white” on to his ship, and the best part about it was the, “yoke’s” on the crew of the other ship he took.

Still, he loved how Trixie could control things simply by writing her stories. They each had some magical powers that when they were read out loud, would make whatever she had written about come true. That’s what Captain VanStop loved about her so much. He cared about her. He also gave her anything she wanted, except for the main thing that every couple should have, and that’s love. His heart was warm like a freezer. Most people didn’t think he even had one at all, at least he definitely didn’t have one towards anybody else. That was the reason his parents disowned him. His chest wouldn’t be moving when they would check on him at night to see if he was sleeping. Although he knew nothing about hearts, he certainly did know about, “diamonds” because that was one of the main things he stole from people’s fingers, he loved taking over all, “clubs” and he hated every pet which meant that he didn’t care about getting them neutered or, “apaayed.” Yet becoming rich appeared to be in the, “cards” for him.

The weirdest thing about him consearned his girlfriend, Trixie. She had a peculiar way of being able to control things with things with her mind such as the stories she would write about. She was especially fond of love novels because she actually wrote them about herself falling in love with the Captain. The only difference was she’d changed the character’s names so nobody would suspect anything. Yet after a while, she began to feel condemned about some of the things she and the Captain did with each other. She knew what he did was wrong about him killing innocent people and hi-jacking their ships because that’s what made it so easy for him to steal all the belongings from the people who were on board. That kind of reminded her of the Captain’s relationship with her, although they were anything but, “bored.” Yet deep down she knew what he was doing was bad. Still, she tried not to think about that and sent her priority on writing those love-novels she enjoyed. All of her stories ended the same way which was with the guy and the girl falling in love and getting married then living the rest of their lives happily.

Meanwhile, Captain VanStop continued being the scourge of not just the East Coast and South Coast, but of the entire ocean including the Atlantic, Pacific, Indian, Mediterranean and all the others. He preferred to call himself The Main Terror Of The Seas since he got his jollies from stealing the goods from all those other ships, and even on land. That was his bag, even though he knew nothing about paper money and paper was what they used to make bags.

One of his crewmates gave him a parrot named Chatterbox, but they called him Chat for short. He taught him to say things such as, “Pieces of 8!” and, “I love my captain!” Yet one day when his sink got clogged, he called a plumber to come and, “plum” it since that’s what they do. When he knocked on his door, the parrot yelled, “Who is it?” to which the plumber said, “It’s the plumber. I’ve come to fix the sink.” Then there was silence. Again he knocked on the door and the parrot said, “Who is it?” The plumber said in an irritated voice, “It’s the plumber! I’ve come to fix the sink!” Still nobody came to the door. Again, the plummer banged on the door and the parrot said, “Who is it?” to which the plumber fussed, “It’s the plumber! I’ve come to fix the sink!” Silence. Once more he pounded on the door and the parrot said, “Who is it?” The plumber, who was totally exhausted by then since all he wanted to do was, “plum,” because that’s what plumbers do. Finally he pounded on the door with all his might. Again, the parrot said, “Who is it?” The poor, exasperated plumber yelled at the top of his lungs,

“IT’S THE FLIPPING PLUMBER!!!! I’VE COME TO FIX THE DOG-GONE SINK!!!!”

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Then he had a heart-attack. The woman came home and saw the dead plumber laying there on her door mat so she cried, “Who is it?” The parrot said, “It’s the plumber! He’s come to fix the sink!” It served that lady right for going away from home and leaving a perot in her house. If

she had stayed at home, she would have been able to, “pair-it” with another bird. Instead, she had to choose a bird who was apparently nothing but a, “bird-brain.” If she had just bought a canary it would have been considerably, “Cheep!” er. The most amazing thing about Trixie was how she could control so many things with her mind by using osmosis. She also used it to do her homework and got all 100s on every one of her tests and homework assignments. She even could communicate with anybody she needed to by sending thought-waves to them. The most successful thing about her was with her great story-writing ability. That had been her best subject so she was writing such awesome stories that the teacher found her a literary agent who would pay her mega-bucks for all the stories she had written. Some she even mailed off to Hollywood and were made into movies. That meant she was really becoming quite famous and most of all, rich. She was even contacted by Jay Leno to be on The Tonight Show as his guest. She had guys fighting over her in school to go on dates. Until then, the only, “dates” she knew anything about was the kind that she ate. The difference was that kind had some, “pitts.” Plus all of Trixie’s books, which were each on the best-seller list, had made her quite wealthy indeed. She later bought her parents a bigger and better house with a jacuzzi and a swimming pool in it. Plus she bought her daddy a Mercedes Benz and she bought her momma some beautiful jewelry with 20 carat diamonds in them. They insisted she use the rest of it for her college education to any big school she wanted. Because of that, she applied to Harvard, Princeton, Duke, U. N. C. and Lynchburg College. When her daddy asked, “What school have you decided on?” she replied, “Yale,” with a tremendous-sized smile across her face. Then he asked her quite proudly, “Oh, alright then. WHAT SCHOOL HAVE YOU DECIDED ON!?!?”

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Yet during her sophomore year, she was suddenly struck with mononucleosis which meant she had to drop out of school. She spent so much time in the hospital that the professors didn’t want to pass her. Still, she insisted on going to summer-school since the classes were small and she could get some individual assistance. Her roommate in the sorority, was quite bright, like a burned-out bulb. Trixie was convinced that when God handed out brains, she thought He said, “Trans,” and missed hers. Perhaps she thought He said, “rains,” and ran for cover. At any rate, Trixie spent a lot of time helping her and almost didn’t get her own sheep-skin. That would have really been, “ba-a-a-ad!” like a, “sheer” disaster. Yet she managed to graduate anyway.

The professor, who happened to be the same age as Trixie, also, “popped-it” after her sophomore year there. At that point in time she hadn’t been out with many guys, it was really terrific to have a choice, but when the prof did that, she didn’t even have to think about what her answer would be. The next year, like a mule to a plow, they were both, “hitched.” The following year they blessed the world with some exceptionally good-looking, highly intelligent children who were at the top of their class throughout their whole scholastic time. All their children, and eventually grandchildren also went to the same schools and each one had a 4.0 grade-point average all the way through. In spite of his name, Vincent VanStop and his brilliant wife were quite proud of their children’s accomplishments. As a result, they eventually became deans of their own colleges, each with majors in thinkology 101, which is the ability to think better than the average geniuses. To say the Captain and his wife were absolutely, “egg”-static would have been a gross understatement. They said, “We’re so proud of you, sweet- heart! That is, ‘egg’- zactly what we wanted from you! Life is all it’s, ‘cracked’ up to be! Don’t let your brain get too, ‘scrambled’ by sitting on your front, ‘poach’ too much! ‘Om-lett’ ing you know that we love you so keep your, ‘sunny-side up’ and good-times will, ‘hatch’ if you don’t be, ‘shell’- fish! That’s, ‘egg’-zactly what we expected from you! It’s great your work was a challenge so you didn’t get, ‘bird’ with it! ‘Om-lett’ ing you know that you can succeed since you have shown us what you and your friend, ‘duos-in’ an hour, so, ‘feather’ you chose to get your b. S. and get your p. h. D., that’s ‘buss-stuff piled high and deep, we’ll be extremely proud of you so, ‘chick’ your mail each day to see when your job-opening happens. The time will, ‘fly’ by, you have my, ‘bird’ on that!”

Later she went out with a professor from her college The University Of Lynchburg. They later got married and blessed the planet Earth with some really intelligent, exceptionally good- looking children. At any rate, like the best-written children’s stories of all-time will officially finish up with,

“THEY ALL LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER!!!!”

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The end.

By, Cuz Roye.