Probabilities

Tinder is shit. Absolutely terrible.

I've tried so many dating apps, but none ever find a good match. It's usually just desperate men trying to find a good time. Disgusting.

And women? Most are straight, and those who aren't are just looking for money. Honestly, what on earth would it take just to find a partner?

Alright, I'll admit. I'm kind of a hypocrite in this situation, since I do have a fuck buddy. Her name is Anne.

But it's all for fun. We've known each other for such a long time. When she came out to me as lesbian, I was really happy for her. She was supportive of me being bi as well.

How we started was kind of blurry. We were at a party. That's what I do know; what I can remember.

We played seven minutes in heaven. I spun the bottle and it landed on her. My jaw literally dropped. I would've never thought I'd be kissing a girl I've known for eleven years.

Anne, on the other hand, her expression was somewhat nervous. I didn't pay much attention to it though, being so close to blackout drunk.

And so they shoved us into a room and locked the door.

I remember slightly panicking. I didn't know what to do.

It came as a surprise when I felt Anne's lips on mine. I didn't expect this feeling. Warm and fuzzy, curious and wanting more.

"Anne," I whispered, pulling apart.

"Don't," she said, grabbing me closer.

Soon, seven minutes were over, and we stumbled out of the room with hickeys all over our necks. The boys were hollering, so I threw my drink at them.

Anne grabbed me by my hand and led me to another room. I protested, claiming that I wanted to see what happened next, but she shut me up with another kiss. I didn't object to this one either.

It just felt right.

I wanted her and she wanted me. I thought it would go well, I really did.

I remember us waking up hungover, sharing morning kisses in bed.

"Anne, I think we should just stay friends."

I'd never forget her reaction to that statement.

"How could you say that? Don't you see what we have? What we could do?"

"I know! I just- I'm not prepared for that yet."

She sighed. "Fine. Take as long as you want. But we were meant to be, Ella. You can't deny it."

Maybe at the time I couldn't. And I definitely didn't. 

But what could I say in the moment?

We left the house in a hurry. That day was the day where we started having sex for fun. For the hell of it.

I never thought Anne's feeling for me would grow stronger. I thought they'd diminish over time. I thought she'd see that I wasn't anything interesting, and that she'd move on.

It was just yesterday when she asked me out on a date. On a date. It shocked me, to say the least. I don't like dates. I never really did. After all the catfishing and lies, you get sick of it. But why was I so reluctant to go on this one? I know Anne. I've known her for so long. I know that she'd never cheat me in any way, and I know that she isn't a middle aged dude trying to have sex with me. We already do that anyways.

What's the harm then? I had no idea. But what I did know was that it was never going to be the same between us again. I don't have feelings for her. She obviously does for me. So this can end in either two ways. The first way is me breaking her heart and risking everything we had, everything we have. The second way is me not willing to risk anything and saying that I like her too. But that would mean spending the rest of my life lying to her, and I'm not going to do that.

Would I rather break her heart or mine?

A logical person would say to break hers, as you should always put yourself first.

But what if we're one?

Anne and I, we're like sisters. More than sisters. We like the same things, have the same classes, we do everything similarly. We're one. To break her heart would mean breaking mine too. But only breaking mine would save hers. If there's one thing Anne is, it's oblivious.

I prepare for the date. It's a fancy date on the rooftop garden. I don't know what to expect.

Anne sits there in a blue velvet dress. Her glow surrounds her like a threatening aura.

"Ella," she croons, gesturing for me to sit. "I'm so glad you made it."

I walk over to the table and see that we're the only ones up here.

"I didn't know this place would be empty. It's usually packed," I say, looking around.

"I had them clear the space for just the two of us," Anne says, taking a sip of the dark red liquid in front of her.

"Drink," she says, pouring me a glass.

I bite my tongue. "I don't like wine."

"It's not wine, silly. I know you don't like it."

I twirl the blood red liquid around in my glass. "Then what is it?"

"A cocktail, made especially for us."

I stare at her. I'm ready to bolt out of here.

"What's wrong?" she asks, still drinking. "Don't you want a taste?"

"No," I say, putting the glass down. "Why did you ask me out? On a date no less?"

"I thought you knew," Anne says, genuinely surprised.

"That you liked me?"

"No, no. That I was the fake profiles on your tinder."

I drop the glass and it shatters on the floor.

"You- what??" I stutter. "No. No way. There's so many of those profiles! How did you-"

"You don't need to know that. I hired people to go out with you. I wanted you to see that everyone, everyone will disappoint you. Only I won't."

"You're sick," I whisper, horrified.

"No, Ella. I'm in love. With you."

I watch in horror as she gets down on one knee.

"Anne," I mutter, "don't do this."

"Ella, will you marry me?"

I shake my head. "No, I won't. You're a psychopath."

"I'm not, darling," she says, getting back up and walking towards me. I back up into a wall.

"If I can't have you, then no one can," she whispers, pulling out a knife.

"Then no one will have me!" I shout. "I won't date anyone! I promise! Just- stop this madness."

Anne breathes heavily. "And what about me?"

"What about you?" I snap.

"What do I need to do to win you back?"

"Nothing. There's nothing you can do."

I start walking towards the door, wanting to get the hell out of here.

"Ella!"

"What??"

"Give me one more try."

I slam the door open. "No!"

"Please!"

"There's one thing you can do, Anne."

"What is it?" she says excitedly.

"Stay the hell away from me. I don't want anything to do with you. We're done. This is all done."

"You can't do this to me!!" she shouts, fists balled up in rage.

"Yes, I can!" I shout back, one step closer to the stairs.

"But what about us?"

"What about us??" I say, laughing manically. "We were done as soon as you kissed me at that party!"

I watch as her face drains of colour. "I- I was drunk."

"Not an excuse," I say, starting to walk down.

"Wait!!"

"Oh my God!! What???"

"Give me one more chance, please," she cries.

"Fine. We can be friends. Whenever we see each other, I will say hello, and so will you. We can have one hug. But that's it."

"I can live with that," Anne says, her voice breaking. "But will we ever be together?"

I shake my head. "I'm never going out with you again."